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Girl Scout Cookie Objective Cookie-By-Cookie Rating

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2007-03-01 00:49:53 EST
Rating: 1.44 on 44 ratings (44 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Hello, friends.

Before I objectively judge each Girl Scout cookie, I'd like to tell you a story. It's a true story and it happened last week.

I was at work (I manage a pizza joint) rolling out bread sticks. Briefly, to make bread sticks, you make a big glob of dough in a huge mixer by combining flour, tepid water, and yeast and then you cut up the glob in to weighed chunks of dough, then make the dough in to a ball, dust some dusting flour over them, feed them in to a machine to make them thin and then you shape the dough in to a rectangular sheet and put it in to a buttered pan and cut strips. After the strips are cut, you put some more butter on them and then sprinkle with some parmasean cheese and Italian spices and throw them in to the oven. I was cutting the sheet in to strips when my boss walked in the store. She said, almost in passing, "they're selling Girl Scout cookies in front of Albertson's, by the way."

I stopped cutting strips immediately and put the cutter down. This meant only one thing: Samoas.

The last time I put a Samoa cookie in to my mouth was the Winter of '98. I was at a friends house when her Mom said, "hey... anyone want some Samoas?" I didn't know what they were at that point, but after learning that a Samoa was a cookie, I said "yes."

If you have not had a Samoa, please let me explain what it it. A Samoa starts as a round butter cookie with a hole in the center. It is dipped in caramel, topped with toasted coconut and drizzled with chocolate syrup. In my opinion, anyone who hasn't tried a Samoa is three-quarters of the way dead.

Back to the Winter of '98. The Samoa was delicious.

Real time: After putting the cutter down and processing what I had just heard, I started making plans. I looked at my watch and calculated when, to the minute, my next break would be. I thought about how much cash I had in my wallet and considered jacking a five from the till if I was short. It turned out, after checking, that I had enough to cover one box of Samoa cookies and a pack of cigarettes. Time crawled until my break came... then my break came and I grabbed my jacket and bolted out the door.

Albertson's is in the same parking lot as this pizza joint I work at. I sparked a smoke and walked fast. As I approached the Girl Scout stand, I quickly ran my eyes over their merchandise to make sure there was a stock of purple boxes. There was. I twisted my smoke out under my shoe and took a deep breath. "Hi, can we help you please?" One of the Scout's said.

"I'll take a box please."

The Mother piped up, "okay, sure... what kind would yo---"

--"THE FRICKEN SAMOAS IS THERE ANY OTHER KIND." Oh shit, did I just flip out? Fuck. I looked away, a little embarrassed.

I could hear the Mother calming her child. She put her arm in front of her and slowly moved her back, saying something like, "it's okay honey... stress... something something." One of the other Mother's came from around the stand and handed me a box. I tried to smile, thinking an apology might be in order, but I was too focused on the thought of opening the box and pulling out the plastic tray and biting the corner off the thin wrapping and carefully plucking out a delicious Samoa cookie and stuffing it in my mouth and enjoying the shit out of it.

"Three fifty please." Any price, I thought. THREE FIFTY FOR FUCKING COOKIES. No, any price. These aren't just cookies. And these aren't on sale all the time. It's worth it. BUT THAT'S ANOTHER PACK OF--

"Sir..." I handed her the money after my internal argument and noticed that they had a fucking tip jar set on top of the cookies. What the fuck? Did the Girl Scouts turn in to a bunch of Jews!? Fucking three fifty PLUS TIP. I left nothing and walked away.

The box was in my left hand, opposite street side, in case of the worst. I could get the box to safety in less than a minute if I walked fast. And as luck would have it, a couple god damned tweakers rounded the corner and started walking in my direction. They were probably going to the store, not planning on jacking my cookies, but I took every precaution. Although they were bounding to walk by my cookie holding side- opposite street side, I didn't rotate the box to my other hand. I thought that might draw too much attention. Instead, I clutched the box as hard as I could without damaging the delicate contents. I tried not to make eye-contact. And the tweakers finally passed. I can't say for sure, but I think that one of them whispered to the other one after they passed. I think he said, "hey did that guy have a fuckin box of Caramel delites?" (This is what idiots call Samoas and all tweakers are idiots). It could have been my imagination. Anyway, I returned the box to safety.

I sat down in a safe place and opened the box, slid out the plastic tray, and looked at the cookies. They looked exactly as I remembered them from Winter '98. The toasted coconut, the chocolate drizzle... everything was in place. I inserted one in to my mouth and bit down slowly. I think my eyes rolled back in to my head momentarily as pure bliss consumed my body. First the chocolate, then the caramel, then coconut and butter cookie all pleasantly assaulted my taste buds. The warmth of my mouth melted and assimilated all flavors in to a taste I can only call Mother Mary's breast milk. God damned holy.

End.

Now, one may think that, before OBJECTIVELY rating each different Girl Scout cookie on a ten-point scale, that I might be biased. This is not true. One thing I've learned from life is that there are few if any black and whites. Everything is a little gray. Here is my unbiased rating of all five current Girl Scout cookies.

1. Thin Mints: Although mint and chocolate are one of my favorite combinations, these cookies fall short because they aren't Samoas.

RATING: 0/10

2. Tagalongs: Peanut butter is good on anything. Unfortunately, these don't come in a purple box.

RATING: 0/10

3. Trefoils: One has to have a few before appreciating the simplicity of Trefoils. At once smooth and buttery, these cookies aren't complicated by chocolate, caramel, or coconut. Unfortunately.

RATING: 0/10

4. Samoas: If you don't giggle uncontrollably after eating a Samoa, you're not eating a Samoa. By far the best cookie ever made. My only complaint is that they're now peddled by greedy jews.

RATING: 10/10

5. Do-si-dos: Take two untainted Trefoils and stuff them full of processed and overly-sweetened peanut butter and you've got a Do-si-do. Whoever came up with this recipe and felt no remorse having jews sell a box at $3.50 should be held accountable. No one cares about the Girl Scouts and their "cause." People just want a good cookie and these don't fucking deliver.

RATING: 0/10

Murphy


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Submitted by coley at 2007-04-03 20:10:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Still-Life (user info) at 2007-04-03 16:27:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-02 04:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Y HALO THAR FELLOW OREGONIAN

Just me, you and electro..we should have a party.

WA > OR

vancouver 4 lyfe.

I don't have a dollar to my name but I NEED cookies now.

AFK, robbing girl scouts.
=====
ARE YOU TRYIN TO FIGHT ME?

OR is SOOO >WA

Submitted by Still-Life at 2007-04-03 16:27:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-02 04:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Y HALO THAR FELLOW OREGONIAN

Just me, you and electro..we should have a party.

WA > OR

vancouver 4 lyfe.

I don't have a dollar to my name but I NEED cookies now.

AFK, robbing girl scouts.

Submitted by GetNakeddd at 2007-04-03 16:07:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

When I initially read this post I thought, "Boy that guy is a douche! Trefoils are teh shit!!"

But then, I had a box of Samoas
An entire box

And then another
And another

I'm still skinny, but I have changed my mind
Fuck Trefoils in their cookie asses!

SAMOAS RULE!!!!!
(I had to come back here and tell you so)

Submitted by beeltea at 2007-03-02 19:15:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by BrittInToledo at 2007-03-02 05:21:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I bought 6 boxes and now I weigh 250 lbs.

Submitted by coley at 2007-03-02 04:13:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Y HALO THAR FELLOW OREGONIAN

Just me, you and electro..we should have a party.

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-03-02 03:57:27 EST (#)
Rating: -2

"4. Samoas: If you don't giggle uncontrollably after eating a Samoa, you're not eating a Samoa. By far the best cookie ever made. My only complaint is that they're now peddled by greedy jews."



Bob Dole wants you to FOAD. or DIAF. Bob Dole hopes someone murders you with a cactus.

Submitted by justagirl27 at 2007-03-01 23:22:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

samoas are my favorites, though i think tagalongs deserve slightly higher than a 0!

Submitted by JonnyX at 2007-03-01 17:13:38 EST (#)
Rating: 0

ahh, GS cookies are selling for $4 this year, sporto

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-01 15:39:50 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I will call you Samoa Joe from now on, round eye.

Submitted by RyuFu at 2007-03-01 14:03:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Are they made with real Girl Scouts?

Old movie quotes aside, I am thoroughly familiar with these cookies, as I've paid for 2 of each box the past few years for my niece. Most of these cookies go straight to the office pantry.

I don't quite feel the same contempt for thin mints as you, but there is no denying the deliciously fatty goodness of the Samoa. Cookie, that is.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-01 13:52:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-03-01 13:41:48 (#)
Ranking: 2

Samoas rock.

But the oatmeal & peanut butter ones are better.
===
BLASPHEMER

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2007-03-01 13:41:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Samoas rock.

But the oatmeal & peanut butter ones are better.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2007-03-01 13:02:51 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I appreciate the rankings but to be honest, I simply don't like Girl Scout cookies. This could cause a divorce in my household as Mrs. Shlongy loves the goddamn things.

I DO, however, like some of the Girl Scouts.


Submitted by scourge at 2007-03-01 12:34:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-03-01 10:21:58 (#)
Ranking: 2

You're god damn right Samoas are the best

Submitted by Lib at 2007-03-01 12:26:27 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Yum Yum cookies where the orginal, (before the GS had them) someone ruined the yum yum's all that is left is waiting for the Girls scouts to get your fix.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2007-03-01 12:16:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

lol

Submitted by ghola at 2007-03-01 11:34:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i love samoas.

Submitted by messmind at 2007-03-01 11:30:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

cookies!

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-01 11:04:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-01 10:20:50 (#)
Ranking: 2

I would promise to look at you with nothing but love and a full belly :-)

What is I sent a full sack across the pond to you?
==
Awww..

Wait..sack of..what?

Oh, and I just read this in earnest. Your rating scale is hilarious. I DO love my thin mints though.

I opened my first box of samoas of the season last night.

Submitted by The_Drake at 2007-03-01 10:59:18 EST (#)
Rating: -1

I have a sinking feeling this wasn't too objective.

Submitted by Daccory at 2007-03-01 10:32:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good read.

Submitted by tiaprae at 2007-03-01 10:24:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I've been avoiding the girl scouts every time I buy groceries...now I have to run to the store during lunch and buy some goddamn cookies.

Submitted by Adamdidit2u at 2007-03-01 10:21:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You're god damn right Samoas are the best

Submitted by DrogoRoch at 2007-03-01 10:20:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I would promise to look at you with nothing but love and a full belly :-)

What is I sent a full sack across the pond to you?

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-01 10:07:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-01 09:28:49 (#)
Ranking: 1

I've never had Girl Scout cookies; they don't sell them over on this side of the pond. I will have to try and get the ones chained in my cellar to start baking.

===
Last time I sent American sweets across the pond, redskieslookfake looked at me weird for weeks.

Submitted by thorpe at 2007-03-01 09:40:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by DrogoRoch at 2007-03-01 09:28:49 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I've never had Girl Scout cookies; they don't sell them over on this side of the pond. I will have to try and get the ones chained in my cellar to start baking.

Cookies sound nice; made me hungry now.

Submitted by gravitas at 2007-03-01 08:41:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

someone i know is going to enjoy this.

Submitted by Amontillado at 2007-03-01 07:53:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I once liked thin mints. Before I discovered the glory of samoas.
So it happened that there was a box of thin mints, unopened, on my desk all last semester, and I didn't even want to open them.

Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope at 2007-03-01 07:50:48 EST (#)
Rating: -2

those cookies are 70 CALORIES a POP.
Each cookie (regardless of type) has more artery clogging, saturated fat, than a Tablespoon of Olive Oil.

They also like to say that a "serving" is 2 cookies HAHA.

Enjoy, if at a consequence.





Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues at 2007-03-01 07:47:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

*looks at Girl Scout cookies on desk* I have moved on from Juliannes to Tagalongs. Goddamn Girl Scouts discontinuing Juliannes - they were my all time favorite. *cries into box of cookies*

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2007-03-01 07:38:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I thought this was good.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-01 07:31:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

As a child, I vowed that if I had to choose one food to subsist on for the rest of my life, I'd want it to be samoas. Thin Mints are also an annual requirement.

Submitted by Hookhand at 2007-03-01 04:11:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

My only complaint is that they're now peddled by greedy jews.

Roflsharts!

Submitted by kuroneko_sama at 2007-03-01 02:58:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

tagalongs rock, if i dont get a box at least once a year... people die

Submitted by jfreakman at 2007-03-01 01:53:16 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by BadSamaritan87 (user info) at 2007-03-01 00:58:16 (#)
Ranking: 1

Decently written, but I dislike coconut. Thin mints>you.

Submitted by manic_impressive at 2007-03-01 01:36:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Your post for the year?

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2007-03-01 01:36:18 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Ummm... falafel. What ARE those?

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2007-03-01 01:35:29 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Hard on the outside with a milky center... I'll stoop just this once. That was a bad joke.

Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude at 2007-03-01 01:27:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

coconut sucks cock, which is why you like it

Submitted by Falafel at 2007-03-01 01:15:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yes. I used to be a girl guide.. man, the two best kinds are the mint and these:

http://www.girlguides.sk.ca/newcookie.jpg

What blasphemy do you speak of, about a cookie's deligtful crunch being desacrated by the seeping, oozing sogginess of caramel?!

Submitted by supadupapupa at 2007-03-01 01:15:32 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Jews don't need tips, we have secret Jew gold. Plus we rule the media, the government, and your mom

Submitted by BadSamaritan87 at 2007-03-01 00:58:16 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Decently written, but I dislike coconut. Thin mints>you.


I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills.

-- Homer Simpson
Homer the Smithers