Girl Scout Cookie Objective Cookie-By-Cookie RatingSubmitted by Murphy1844 at 2007-03-01 00:49:53 EST
Rating: 1.44 on 44 ratings (44 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Before I objectively judge each Girl Scout cookie, I'd like to tell you a story. It's a true story and it happened last week.
I was at work (I manage a pizza joint) rolling out bread sticks. Briefly, to make bread sticks, you make a big glob of dough in a huge mixer by combining flour, tepid water, and yeast and then you cut up the glob in to weighed chunks of dough, then make the dough in to a ball, dust some dusting flour over them, feed them in to a machine to make them thin and then you shape the dough in to a rectangular sheet and put it in to a buttered pan and cut strips. After the strips are cut, you put some more butter on them and then sprinkle with some parmasean cheese and Italian spices and throw them in to the oven. I was cutting the sheet in to strips when my boss walked in the store. She said, almost in passing, "they're selling Girl Scout cookies in front of Albertson's, by the way."
I stopped cutting strips immediately and put the cutter down. This meant only one thing: Samoas.
The last time I put a Samoa cookie in to my mouth was the Winter of '98. I was at a friends house when her Mom said, "hey... anyone want some Samoas?" I didn't know what they were at that point, but after learning that a Samoa was a cookie, I said "yes."
If you have not had a Samoa, please let me explain what it it. A Samoa starts as a round butter cookie with a hole in the center. It is dipped in caramel, topped with toasted coconut and drizzled with chocolate syrup. In my opinion, anyone who hasn't tried a Samoa is three-quarters of the way dead.
Back to the Winter of '98. The Samoa was delicious.
Real time: After putting the cutter down and processing what I had just heard, I started making plans. I looked at my watch and calculated when, to the minute, my next break would be. I thought about how much cash I had in my wallet and considered jacking a five from the till if I was short. It turned out, after checking, that I had enough to cover one box of Samoa cookies and a pack of cigarettes. Time crawled until my break came... then my break came and I grabbed my jacket and bolted out the door.
Albertson's is in the same parking lot as this pizza joint I work at. I sparked a smoke and walked fast. As I approached the Girl Scout stand, I quickly ran my eyes over their merchandise to make sure there was a stock of purple boxes. There was. I twisted my smoke out under my shoe and took a deep breath. "Hi, can we help you please?" One of the Scout's said.
"I'll take a box please."
The Mother piped up, "okay, sure... what kind would yo---"
--"THE FRICKEN SAMOAS IS THERE ANY OTHER KIND." Oh shit, did I just flip out? Fuck. I looked away, a little embarrassed.
I could hear the Mother calming her child. She put her arm in front of her and slowly moved her back, saying something like, "it's okay honey... stress... something something." One of the other Mother's came from around the stand and handed me a box. I tried to smile, thinking an apology might be in order, but I was too focused on the thought of opening the box and pulling out the plastic tray and biting the corner off the thin wrapping and carefully plucking out a delicious Samoa cookie and stuffing it in my mouth and enjoying the shit out of it.
"Three fifty please." Any price, I thought. THREE FIFTY FOR FUCKING COOKIES. No, any price. These aren't just cookies. And these aren't on sale all the time. It's worth it. BUT THAT'S ANOTHER PACK OF--
"Sir..." I handed her the money after my internal argument and noticed that they had a fucking tip jar set on top of the cookies. What the fuck? Did the Girl Scouts turn in to a bunch of Jews!? Fucking three fifty PLUS TIP. I left nothing and walked away.
The box was in my left hand, opposite street side, in case of the worst. I could get the box to safety in less than a minute if I walked fast. And as luck would have it, a couple god damned tweakers rounded the corner and started walking in my direction. They were probably going to the store, not planning on jacking my cookies, but I took every precaution. Although they were bounding to walk by my cookie holding side- opposite street side, I didn't rotate the box to my other hand. I thought that might draw too much attention. Instead, I clutched the box as hard as I could without damaging the delicate contents. I tried not to make eye-contact. And the tweakers finally passed. I can't say for sure, but I think that one of them whispered to the other one after they passed. I think he said, "hey did that guy have a fuckin box of Caramel delites?" (This is what idiots call Samoas and all tweakers are idiots). It could have been my imagination. Anyway, I returned the box to safety.
I sat down in a safe place and opened the box, slid out the plastic tray, and looked at the cookies. They looked exactly as I remembered them from Winter '98. The toasted coconut, the chocolate drizzle... everything was in place. I inserted one in to my mouth and bit down slowly. I think my eyes rolled back in to my head momentarily as pure bliss consumed my body. First the chocolate, then the caramel, then coconut and butter cookie all pleasantly assaulted my taste buds. The warmth of my mouth melted and assimilated all flavors in to a taste I can only call Mother Mary's breast milk. God damned holy.
Now, one may think that, before OBJECTIVELY rating each different Girl Scout cookie on a ten-point scale, that I might be biased. This is not true. One thing I've learned from life is that there are few if any black and whites. Everything is a little gray. Here is my unbiased rating of all five current Girl Scout cookies.
1. Thin Mints: Although mint and chocolate are one of my favorite combinations, these cookies fall short because they aren't Samoas.
2. Tagalongs: Peanut butter is good on anything. Unfortunately, these don't come in a purple box.
3. Trefoils: One has to have a few before appreciating the simplicity of Trefoils. At once smooth and buttery, these cookies aren't complicated by chocolate, caramel, or coconut. Unfortunately.
4. Samoas: If you don't giggle uncontrollably after eating a Samoa, you're not eating a Samoa. By far the best cookie ever made. My only complaint is that they're now peddled by greedy jews.
5. Do-si-dos: Take two untainted Trefoils and stuff them full of processed and overly-sweetened peanut butter and you've got a Do-si-do. Whoever came up with this recipe and felt no remorse having jews sell a box at $3.50 should be held accountable. No one cares about the Girl Scouts and their "cause." People just want a good cookie and these don't fucking deliver.