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Strange Things That my Brain Tells me I Want to do, but I Have no Idea Why.

Submitted by Spam at 2006-10-24 19:12:50 EDT
Rating: 1.73 on 52 ratings (52 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

There’s something wrong with my brain.

Now I know, in this day and age, (and on this particular website), it could be reasoned that there is something wrong with ALL our brains, and I’m not going to argue with you on that point chums. It’s just that recently, I’ve noticed an increase in the number of strange impulses that rise up within me, each one stronger than the last. It’s about reached the point were I’m not sure if I can contain them any longer.

So I decided to make this list (Yes. It’s a fucking list post. Deal with it.) in the hope that should I get arrested for doing any of the below. I can show it to the judge and plead insanity on the grounds that only fucking lunatic would make such a list. Seeing as when he sees it, he’ll actually have to look at the rest of Uber to get it into context, I’m hoping that my case will be strengthened when he quickly realises that this site is OBVIOUSLY some sort of playground for the retarded and psychotic to unleash their evil in a healthy manor.

So with just the necessary amount of ado (Yes that’s right, I just dropped the old ‘Ado’ gag – fuck you if you don’t like it) and just a smidge of over capitalisation: I bring you – Strange Things That my Brain Tells Me I Want To Do But I Have No Idea Why.


1. Punch an old lady.

Wanna know why this idea appeals to me so much? Read the fucking Title.
But it happens, almost everyday – I’m walking down the street listening to the tranquil sounds of Rage Against the Machine and walking the other way is a helpless 80-something granny, huffling along all stooped over and shit - and all I want to do is see what would happen if outta nowhere, I step in and deliver a textbook power hook shot across her hairy jaw. Would it kill her? Would people be aghast? Or would they applaud? Questions I feel, that need an answer.


2. Fuck a Deaf Chick.

Seriously, think about it. You could fuck her from behind and scream out all sorts of twisted shit. – “Yeah baby – let me fuck you like your daddy never could” or, “You don’t know this yet, but I’m giving you AIDS right now, you deaf cunt.” And as we all know, the only thing in this world better than abusing somebody for their disability is abusing them whilst simultaneously fucking them up the arse.

(As Radley McRadleyson pointed out to me when I discussed the logistics of this with him, it might be preferable to go the extra mile and find a deaf chick who’s mute as well - I’m not entirely sure I’d be able to keep my wood if she started making those fucked up, gurgley ‘deaf-noises’ that are otherwise hilarious.)


3. Hot Coffee

Whenever it’s my turn to get the Tea round in, I invariably have to get some pretentious cunt a coffee and maybe it’s because I’m British but I can’t help but think that coffee is the devil. And it must be thrown. Strangely, I have no preference as to where it lands – somebody’s PC, on their lap, a no-look over-the-shoulder shot into someone’s face – I just always have this strange urge to throw that brown shit somewhere.


4. Drop-kick some twat’s stupid miniature Dog.

As my ex-girlfriends will no doubt confirm, I love dogs. I do however, have one rule: If I can run faster than It – it’s not a dog - It’s a fucking rat with a collar, it Needs to get kicked.

Since this idea first struck me, I have a growing curiosity as to exactly how far I could actually kick one of these yappy monstrosities and have even gone so far as to come up with a theoretical league table as to which breeds would be the most aerodynamic. (my money’s on the Chihuahua I reckon those big ears would act like the fletching on an arrow and keep the canine from wobbling around in the air too much – giving it a more efficient arc of flight.)


5. Pack a chicks arse full of coke and then snort it.

First question I am always asked when I discuss this with people is thus: “OFF their arse, or OUT their arse?”. OUT you fucking pussy, make sure she’s clean(ish) first and just man up.

It breaks down like this Uber – Cocaine, when snorted, is absorbed through the network of capillaries in the nose, that’s why it’s the high is so instant – it’s literally going straight into your bloodstream. There are more capillaries in the human anus than any other part of the body. A side effect of coke is the ‘numbing’ of the area it my be administered to.

That makes for one numb anus. Catch my drift?

(Bonus point: If the chicks a coke-whore – she’ll probably BEG to suck you off after you’ve finished defiling her)


6. Number 5 but with a deaf chick.


7. Heroin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, cue people trying show off about how they’ve slummed it once declaring ”I’ve seen people’s lives ruined by that evil substance” and “Smackheads are not real people” and blah, blah, blah, etc etc. but seriously aren’t you even a little bit curious what could feel so awesome as to force you to rip off your own nephew’s piggy bank to get your next fix (happened to me folks).

Whenever anybody asks me that age old hypothetical – “what would you do if the world were going to end tomorrow?” I already know my answer. Fuck getting laid, or telling my family and friends that I love them or any soppy shit like that – I’m out to get high and spend Armageddon in god knows what kinda state of blissful oblivion – It’s not like I’d have to worry about my destructive addiction.


8. Try to pad lists so that they go up at least 10, even when we all know that this peaked at number 5.


9. Give up on number 8




...Alomst makes me wish I was Jonny Wilkinson.jpg
...Alomst makes me wish I was Jonny Wilkinson.jpg


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Reviews


Submitted by Linus at 2008-08-17 13:50:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 Spam. I hope this works--goddamn thing took me an hour to write.

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2006-11-14 13:30:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2


I should probably start reading more of your material.




Color me aroused.

Submitted by mrwolf at 2006-11-14 13:17:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Dude, you are so fucked up in so many ways.

Love and hugs,

Paul

Submitted by Coyote at 2006-11-10 18:54:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

No apology necessary Spam, it happens. "Real" stuff should always trump uber stuff in priority.

Well, except maybe for someone getting Beebed.

Submitted by PMN at 2006-10-26 00:52:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this made my nipples hard

Submitted by Spam at 2006-10-25 17:34:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-10-25 17:30:00 (#)
Ranking: -2

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-25 11:31:40 (#)
Ranking: 0

This list never "peaked".

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High five

--

nice alter you got there fucknuckle. man up and rate with your proper account - what exactly do you think I'm going to do about it??

Submitted by drgoatcabin at 2006-10-25 17:30:00 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-25 11:31:40 (#)
Ranking: 0

This list never "peaked".

----

High five

Submitted by JohnnyMac at 2006-10-25 17:29:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Fuckin A, Snorting coke out of a hooker's ass is like cornbread, nothing wrong with it.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2006-10-25 17:19:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

wooo 666 hits yadda yadda satan

Submitted by rad1101 at 2006-10-25 17:19:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I "peaked"

Submitted by Spam at 2006-10-25 12:40:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-25 11:31:40 (#)
Ranking: 0

This list never "peaked".

--

Agreed.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2006-10-25 11:39:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I need to talk about deaf chicks at some point

Submitted by Shlongy at 2006-10-25 11:31:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

This list never "peaked".

Submitted by DrSeussman at 2006-10-25 11:15:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Kick the shiat out of that chihuahua!

Submitted by Spam at 2006-10-25 09:00:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-25 08:39:24 (#)
Ranking: 2

10. Pack a chihuahua's ass with heroin and stick it inside a girl's anus, then snort the heroin.

--

BAhahahahaha

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2006-10-25 08:39:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

10. Pack a chihuahua's ass with heroin and stick it inside a girl's anus, then snort the heroin.

Submitted by Cadrach at 2006-10-25 08:03:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-10-25 07:53:57 (#)
Ranking: 2

put you in another world, I can't hear you
like telephone sex with a deaf girl
--------------------------------------

Word.


I want to try herion. I bet it's better than macaroni and chees with hot dog slices and a little bit of catsup (ketchup) in it.

Submitted by leilani at 2006-10-25 07:53:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

put you in another world, I can't hear you
like telephone sex with a deaf girl

Submitted by Spam at 2006-10-25 05:56:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:40:56 (#)
Ranking: 0

for some reason this read like idqdq


-

NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Submitted by British_Bulldog at 2006-10-25 05:31:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Speaking as a fellow brit, i was Whole-heartedly agreeing with 1 - 4. After that it kinda Skew-whiffed a tad for my liking. ON THE HOLE (pun is obvious)...+1

Submitted by JoeyG at 2006-10-25 03:43:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Excellent stuff!

Submitted by Mike-Mc at 2006-10-25 03:38:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by beeltea at 2006-10-24 23:24:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

make sure she's clean(ish) first and just man up
--
ha

Submitted by Fungah at 2006-10-24 22:55:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I heartily endorse you for the next governor of Arkansas.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2006-10-24 22:49:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I believe I mused once about whether or not deaf people mouth out their moans during sex so they can read each others' lips, or if they actually have sign language specific to sex so they can appropriately convey their pleasure to one another while busting a double horizontal.

Submitted by Amontillado at 2006-10-24 22:35:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

My brain told me to spin around on those little line dividing bars at a fast food restaurant and I did.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2006-10-24 22:31:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by skrapmetal at 2006-10-24 22:09:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Mindless +2 onaccounta I closed on ma house today.

Submitted by I_love_Kracka at 2006-10-24 22:09:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

that was great

Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2006-10-24 21:56:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I thought it peaked at #6, actually.

Submitted by Sparxicus at 2006-10-24 21:47:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I remember reading something about this "fucking a deaf chick" phenomenon somewhere (was it on ubersite?) Anyways it went real in-depth, had stuff about talking on a phone while fucking her, etc. Does anybody have a link to this by any chance? Couldn't find it by searching.

Great post, btw.

Submitted by lechuza at 2006-10-24 21:38:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was awesome, also B@W

Submitted by bob at 2006-10-24 21:21:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

7. is the same with be but with acid and dmt and any of those seemingly fun substances.

Submitted by ih8u2man at 2006-10-24 21:12:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

A gem. This was awesome. Best thing in a few weeks at least.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2006-10-24 20:57:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by RPharazon at 2006-10-24 20:51:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hi-Larity!

Submitted by HotWillie at 2006-10-24 20:47:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by JMG114 at 2006-10-24 20:43:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@W!

Submitted by Dexter-Brown at 2006-10-24 20:12:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

For some reason I read #2 as "fuck a dead chick."

Submitted by Maltese at 2006-10-24 19:45:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

No Comment Nessecary

Submitted by Hookhand at 2006-10-24 19:42:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Kwality

Submitted by LSD420 at 2006-10-24 19:41:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Strange Things That my Brain Tells me I Want to do, but I Have no Idea Why."

... and number 10 is that chihuahuahua?

Submitted by shandythedog at 2006-10-24 19:40:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

for some reason this read like idqdq


so you really have TEA breaks over there????

Submitted by rodyarask at 2006-10-24 19:33:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Thank you, I laughed my ass off

Submitted by Spam at 2006-10-24 19:22:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:14:27 (#)
Ranking: 1

i've always said i'll try heroin before I die.

--

not if you keep giving me +1's you wont.

We are/were Uber Buddies no? YOU MUST +2 OTHERWISE YOU WILL NO LONGER BE MY INTRAWEB FRIEND AND THE E-MAIL PICTURES WILL STOP.

Submitted by Spam at 2006-10-24 19:20:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:18:26 (#)
Ranking: 2

That makes for one numb anus. Catch my drift?
------

wouldn't it give you a numb peener too though>? I mean not as absorptive a surface as the rectum but one would think....

-

longevity

Submitted by leilani at 2006-10-24 19:18:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That makes for one numb anus. Catch my drift?
------

wouldn't it give you a numb peener too though>? I mean not as absorptive a surface as the rectum but one would think....

Submitted by Sepsis at 2006-10-24 19:17:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2006-10-24 19:17:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hahahahahaha

Submitted by Crystle at 2006-10-24 19:17:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

or at least anti-coke...


$5 for a picture of you drop kicking that dog - or any like it...

Submitted by apollo88 at 2006-10-24 19:14:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

i've always said i'll try heroin before I die.


Submitted by Spam at 2006-10-24 19:14:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Props to Rad for partly inspiring this post.


Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. Dear
Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.

-- Homer Simpson
Bart the Lover