Strange Things That my Brain Tells me I Want to do, but I Have no Idea Why.Submitted by Spam at 2006-10-24 19:12:50 EDT
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There’s something wrong with my brain.
Now I know, in this day and age, (and on this particular website), it could be reasoned that there is something wrong with ALL our brains, and I’m not going to argue with you on that point chums. It’s just that recently, I’ve noticed an increase in the number of strange impulses that rise up within me, each one stronger than the last. It’s about reached the point were I’m not sure if I can contain them any longer.
So I decided to make this list (Yes. It’s a fucking list post. Deal with it.) in the hope that should I get arrested for doing any of the below. I can show it to the judge and plead insanity on the grounds that only fucking lunatic would make such a list. Seeing as when he sees it, he’ll actually have to look at the rest of Uber to get it into context, I’m hoping that my case will be strengthened when he quickly realises that this site is OBVIOUSLY some sort of playground for the retarded and psychotic to unleash their evil in a healthy manor.
So with just the necessary amount of ado (Yes that’s right, I just dropped the old ‘Ado’ gag – fuck you if you don’t like it) and just a smidge of over capitalisation: I bring you – Strange Things That my Brain Tells Me I Want To Do But I Have No Idea Why.
1. Punch an old lady.
Wanna know why this idea appeals to me so much? Read the fucking Title.
But it happens, almost everyday – I’m walking down the street listening to the tranquil sounds of Rage Against the Machine and walking the other way is a helpless 80-something granny, huffling along all stooped over and shit - and all I want to do is see what would happen if outta nowhere, I step in and deliver a textbook power hook shot across her hairy jaw. Would it kill her? Would people be aghast? Or would they applaud? Questions I feel, that need an answer.
2. Fuck a Deaf Chick.
Seriously, think about it. You could fuck her from behind and scream out all sorts of twisted shit. – “Yeah baby – let me fuck you like your daddy never could” or, “You don’t know this yet, but I’m giving you AIDS right now, you deaf cunt.” And as we all know, the only thing in this world better than abusing somebody for their disability is abusing them whilst simultaneously fucking them up the arse.
(As Radley McRadleyson pointed out to me when I discussed the logistics of this with him, it might be preferable to go the extra mile and find a deaf chick who’s mute as well - I’m not entirely sure I’d be able to keep my wood if she started making those fucked up, gurgley ‘deaf-noises’ that are otherwise hilarious.)
3. Hot Coffee
Whenever it’s my turn to get the Tea round in, I invariably have to get some pretentious cunt a coffee and maybe it’s because I’m British but I can’t help but think that coffee is the devil. And it must be thrown. Strangely, I have no preference as to where it lands – somebody’s PC, on their lap, a no-look over-the-shoulder shot into someone’s face – I just always have this strange urge to throw that brown shit somewhere.
4. Drop-kick some twat’s stupid miniature Dog.
As my ex-girlfriends will no doubt confirm, I love dogs. I do however, have one rule: If I can run faster than It – it’s not a dog - It’s a fucking rat with a collar, it Needs to get kicked.
Since this idea first struck me, I have a growing curiosity as to exactly how far I could actually kick one of these yappy monstrosities and have even gone so far as to come up with a theoretical league table as to which breeds would be the most aerodynamic. (my money’s on the Chihuahua I reckon those big ears would act like the fletching on an arrow and keep the canine from wobbling around in the air too much – giving it a more efficient arc of flight.)
5. Pack a chicks arse full of coke and then snort it.
First question I am always asked when I discuss this with people is thus: “OFF their arse, or OUT their arse?”. OUT you fucking pussy, make sure she’s clean(ish) first and just man up.
It breaks down like this Uber – Cocaine, when snorted, is absorbed through the network of capillaries in the nose, that’s why it’s the high is so instant – it’s literally going straight into your bloodstream. There are more capillaries in the human anus than any other part of the body. A side effect of coke is the ‘numbing’ of the area it my be administered to.
That makes for one numb anus. Catch my drift?
(Bonus point: If the chicks a coke-whore – she’ll probably BEG to suck you off after you’ve finished defiling her)
6. Number 5 but with a deaf chick.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, cue people trying show off about how they’ve slummed it once declaring ”I’ve seen people’s lives ruined by that evil substance” and “Smackheads are not real people” and blah, blah, blah, etc etc. but seriously aren’t you even a little bit curious what could feel so awesome as to force you to rip off your own nephew’s piggy bank to get your next fix (happened to me folks).
Whenever anybody asks me that age old hypothetical – “what would you do if the world were going to end tomorrow?” I already know my answer. Fuck getting laid, or telling my family and friends that I love them or any soppy shit like that – I’m out to get high and spend Armageddon in god knows what kinda state of blissful oblivion – It’s not like I’d have to worry about my destructive addiction.
8. Try to pad lists so that they go up at least 10, even when we all know that this peaked at number 5.
9. Give up on number 8
...Alomst makes me wish I was Jonny Wilkinson.jpg