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Sales people are wankers. And now I am too.

Submitted by Spam at 2006-09-11 10:20:56 EDT
Rating: 1.9 on 71 ratings (71 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

“Coke please. Diet.”

Brenda raises her eyebrows as I order but bless her, she doesn’t comment on my uncharacteristically unalcoholic choice of lunchtime beverage. It’s the first time I’ve seen her since I left my old job and I guess she realises that a lot have things have changed.

“So, You’re an Insurance Borker now? How’s it all going mate?”

“Yeah it’s okay” I say, unconfidently.

She grins and stays quiet, silently urging me to continue with amused eyes.

“Well…” I hesitate, knowing full well that verbalising my opinions for the first time will induce the downward spiral of disobedience that we all know is a formality anyway. I take a sip of my irritatingly unintoxicating drink before continuing. “…Well, it’s just that everybody else in the place has these moments where they fucking annoy the shit out of me.”

Brenda chuckles knowingly and starts to say something but I’ve opened Pandora’s box, I need to keep speaking.

“Seriously B, I really love the job - for fucks sake, I go in unpaid on Saturdays to catch up on paperwork and shit.” Another sip of my coke that I wish contained a far higher percentage of Brandy. “…but these people, my ‘colleagues’, they use buzz-terms like ‘PMA’, ‘Inspirational satisafaction’ and ‘Motivation to Action’ like they actually fucking MEAN something to them… And I’m expected to do the same. I swear, if I’m told one more to stand up when I’m on a call because ‘Motion Creates Emotion’ there’s a good chance that I might slap somebody.”

Brenda’s grinning broadly now, but she at least has the courtesy to offer me some advice. “So why don’t you?” she asks.

I look at her blankly so she continues further.

“What I mean is, if everything’s pissing you off so much - next time somebody comes out with one of their meaningful motivational slogans, why don’t you just be honest about it and tell them they’re a prick?. Try it. Just for one day. It’ll be cathartic, and being off-key for just one day won’t do too much damage will it?”

I’m pretty sure she’s joking, but at the same time, I can’t help thinking that she may have a point.

I mean seriously, I don’t how long I can put up with trying to act like a cock the same as everybody else but the smart money says ‘not very’. Maybe I should just be myself just for one day to see what happens.

---

“Another thing I want to discuss today is some of the unprofessional language I’ve been hearing after you’ve failed to close the customer.”

Matt, our new sales manager who’s decoded that we need to have ‘motivation discussions’ each morning , begins to write on the board. Well I say write, what he actually does is draw pictures, he says that words only use 30% of the brain where as a combination of pictures uses closer to 80%. Matt’s a bit of a prick.

“What do you mean ‘unprofessional language’?” I ask from the back of the room.

Matt smiles in the smug way of somebody who thinks they’re a genius because they’ve already anticipated what is essentially, a fucking obvious question.

“What I mean is: no more calling a customer a ‘knob’ after you hang up the phone. If you can’t get a client to like you then that’s your fault, not theirs. So you’re the knob. Not them.”

Everybody is nodding in agreement at this sage statement, and as I look around I realise that I’m nothing like these people. Nothing like these people at all. I’m not nodding. I put up my arm to ask a question.

“Yes Sam?” Matt’s voice has a weary cadence to it.

“Well…” I Say, “What if they actually ARE a knob??”

My team all turn to look at me with a mixture of scorn and disgust.

“What I mean is, there are some people out there who have no interest in sales calls and give you a bollocking before you have a chance to speak to them. Now I like to think that I’m not a cock, and so if I’m NOT a cock, then surely they MUST be. Right?”

“No Sam, none of our customers are cocks..”

“Well what about ‘Twat’? Can I use the word ‘Twat’?

The rest of my team all shift their seats away from me.

“No.”

---

later.

“Hello, Mr Garnier?”

“Yes?”

“Hi. My name is Sam and I’m calling you from ________ Insurance because you were on our website requesting a quotation for your home insurance and what I needed to do was…”

Mr Garnier cuts me off in his gruff voice. “how long is this likely to take?”

“About 5 minutes.”

He sighs dramatically and for some reason this really pisses me off. “Make it quick” he says.

I begin asking him the requisite questions and I can tell he’s getting more annoyed with each one. As though by asking him for the fundamental information I needed to carry out the service he’s asked me to do, I am in some way inconveniencing him massively. Strangely, I’m getting more fucked off then he is, because the last thing I want to do right now is deal with another dickhead who thinks that I’m subordinate to him.

Two minutes in to the call and I can’t take any more of his condescension.

“Do you know what Bill, Forget it.” I say after a particularly morose response from him.

“I sorry?” He replies, shocked.

“I said forget it. You don’t sound remotely interested in anything that I’ve got to say to you and personally, I can’t be bothered to waste my time giving sound financial advice to somebody who isn’t listening, so what do you say we stop this conversation here, hang-up the phone and just assume that each other are knob-heads?”

Bill Garnier stays shocked into silence for at least 10 seconds before replying in a hurt voice. “I don’t think I’ve ever been spoken to so rudely in my entire life…”

“Get used to it.” I yell, and hang up the phone.

---

It’s the next day and I’m in Colin’s office.

Colin Thomas. Head Honcho. The Big Dick. Dropped out of school with no qualifications to join the army and then started out in sales at the age of 25 after being demobbed. Worked his way to being the top salesman for a leading estate agency before leaving to start up his own small insurance brokerage. He’s now 35, a self-made millionaire and sole owner of one of the largest insurance companies in the country despite having a case of dyslexia so severe that he can neither read nor write.

This man doesn’t fuck about and I’m bloody terrified. Not for my job, I’m already certain I’ve lost that, but for my health. Shit, he used to kill people for a living and the rage he goes into when he loses money is legendary. There’s a good chance he’s gonna give me a kicking before slinging me out. His expression at the moment though, is completely unreadable.

Matt is standing behind him like a good lapdog, looking at me with barely concealed contempt.. I guess after showing him up in the meeting yesterday, I’m not on his Christmas card list anymore.

“Would you like to explain your phone call with Mr Garnier yesterday?” Matt snaps.

I see a flicker of annoyance flash through Colin, and he turns his head to Matt to silence him with a stern glare before coming back to me. “Do you realise what you did yesterday?” He asks almost softly.

“I swore at a client” I confess.

I’ve never been on the receiving end of Colin’s rage before but his icy-calm exterior just makes the terrible fury which we all know is coming that much scarier.

“And do you know who that client was?”

“No.” My throat’s gone completely dry and I can barely croak out the word.

“That was Bill Garnier. Bill owns his own private housing firm with over a hundred properties. He was looking to insure them all through ourselves, and arrange a three million pound life insurance as well. That’d make him the biggest client in the history of the company.”

oh. fuck.

“The commission of that sale would’ve been quite substantial wouldn’t it?”

I just nod sadly.

“Do you know how I know all this Sam?”

“No”

“It’s because I called Bill earlier today when Matt brought this matter to my attention. Would you like to hear the call recorder for that conversation?”

“Not really” I whisper.

If I’ve just cost this guy a few million because of the advice a friend of mine gave me in the pub at lunchtime, I don’t anticipate much chance of getting out of this office alive.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to insist.”


*Hello, is that Bill Garnier?*

*Speaking*

*Hi Bill, my names Colin Thomas. I’m the Owner of ________ Insurance. I understand that you had a rather abrupt conversation with one of our senior advisors yesterday and I just wanted to call you to let you know that….*

Bill cut’s Colin off

*Ahhh, Colin. I’m glad you called, I’ve been meaning to contact you guys at some point today anyway.*

*Oh?*

*Absolutely. A chap from your office called me up yesterday, and I was rather rude to him. I’d been having quite a difficult day at the time and I think I may have taken it out on the poor fellow.*

*I See*

*Anyway, It doesn’t do to be impolite to strangers like that and I feel a little ashamed of the whole affair in all honesty. Could you possibly do me a favour and ask him to call me later this evening regarding the insurance of my portfolio?*

Colin, Smooth Talking Sales Professional Extraordinaire, is flabbergasted.

*Absolutely Mr Garnier*

*Super.*

Colin stops the playback with a grin, and Matt an I are starring open mouthed at the laptop we’ve just been listening to, trying to work out what the fuck just happened.

“As you can imagine, that piqued my curiosity so I listened to the first call you had with him. And do you know what my immediate reaction was?”

“What?” Matt and I both say at the same time.



“ ‘That man was a Fucking Cock’ “



True story, that..jpg
True story, that..jpg


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Reviews


Submitted by Linus at 2008-08-17 13:50:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 Spam. I hope this works--goddamn thing took me an hour to write.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-22 06:47:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is genius and some of the lines are just pure gold.

I probably wet myself a little.

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2006-11-14 13:26:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Dude....... this rocked my fucking face off.

Submitted by mrwolf at 2006-11-14 12:56:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This was brilliant.

I have to admit though if I get any kind of sales call I tend to get extremely angry. If I wanted to buy something I would have called them.

If there's that characterstic pause after I've said hello that tells me it's long distance I start the screaming and swearing before they even start talking.

The only calls I will give any time of day to are from companies I am already a customer of provided it's not going to take long... if they're trying to sell me something I use it as an opportunity to get off my chest to someone how little my employer pays me, they don't get a word in edge ways after that.

Submitted by rodyarask at 2006-10-26 18:39:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Very, very well written.

Submitted by erosion_rules at 2006-10-23 17:53:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

WTF I'm not reading all that.

I just got done with a 10 hour day punching holes in steel, so my attention span is gone. I'll assume for now it was good, and read it later.

But tell me, how exactly does one bork insurance?

Submitted by Barnymeinhoff at 2006-10-23 17:47:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Theres seventy million people out there Mostin!"
"Really?....what do they want?"

Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2006-10-15 21:18:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Your UM entry reminded me of this story that I wrote a little while ago. Please try to ignore where I fuck up and change the protagonist's name.

http://www.ubersite.com/m/90328

Submitted by kybernetikum at 2006-10-12 20:58:58 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2006-10-12 20:45:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

(Possibly) premature congratulations, but I reckon you're gonna walk away with the ubermadness win. Well in. I read your story and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Submitted by c1ndy at 2006-10-04 07:52:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam at 2006-10-04 07:43:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-10-04 04:52:53 (#)
Ranking: 2

HA HA! Hilarious.

Are you still doing sales Spamial? Has it made you all dead inside yet?

--

I have found that the stench of self-loathing is easily washed away by the ridiculous sums of money I am now earning.

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2006-10-04 05:02:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

BRAVO! BRAVO!

Submitted by Berty at 2006-10-04 04:52:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HA HA! Hilarious.

Are you still doing sales Spamial? Has it made you all dead inside yet?

Submitted by burt_mianus at 2006-10-04 04:23:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm giving you a plus 2 cos you are simply put the funniest person i have ever read. the sacked stuff is just genius, in fact everything about your last job is genius! did you by any chance work at O2's head office in slough?

You are genius!

Submitted by Spam at 2006-09-30 08:25:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Tyler_Durden (user info) at 2006-09-30 08:00:12 (#)
Ranking: 0

I fucking hate insurance sales people. Its not a matter of whether you are subordinate or not. Its a matter of if I want your fucking services I'll call you. Cocks. For this reason alone I demand an incinerator key for all phones.

---

I only phone people up who have filled out a form on our website requesting I call them.

Cock.

Submitted by Tyler_Durden at 2006-09-30 08:00:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I fucking hate insurance sales people. Its not a matter of whether you are subordinate or not. Its a matter of if I want your fucking services I'll call you. Cocks. For this reason alone I demand an incinerator key for all phones.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2006-09-30 06:38:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Stupid insurance borker.

Submitted by thorpe at 2006-09-30 06:27:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Insurance Borker"

Submitted by thorpe at 2006-09-30 06:23:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

http://www.ubersite.com/m/93260#2164450

That's amazing - you should take it as high praise then. I highly recommend it, it's a stand-alone Discworld like Small Gods, although Death does have a bit of a storyline. The similarities between your entry and Thief of Time are numerous:

A secretive secluded order of monks with ranks including Acolyte and Novice
A bumbling novice with a hidden power who becomes the apprentice of a wiser monk
His ability to freeze, or "slice" time, so that it goes so slowly that they are able to move at insanely fast speeds (there's a great scene where they have to race a lightning bolt)

Actually that's about it, but it really stood out, with similar characterization and everything.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2006-09-27 17:48:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-09-27 17:38:50 (#)
Ranking: 0

I once came very close to posting your full name during the whole Pepe La Flamme debacle. I remember that at the time, you were going on about how having personal info wasn't a big deal and such and part of me really wanted to test that theory.

Then, of course, I remembered that I'm not a cunt and that you know roughly where I live.

still, I wonder how that would've gone. """

badly.


Submitted by AJ at 2006-09-25 15:12:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Apologies, but it sounded exquisitely British.

I liked it.

Submitted by Soley_Trinity at 2006-09-25 07:13:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It would be a crime to drink brandy with diet anything. Shame on you for even contemplating it.

I was hoping you'd kick matt square in the nuts.

Submitted by mikethescottish at 2006-09-13 21:32:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome post, dude.

Submitted by RPharazon at 2006-09-13 21:16:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Well what about 'Twat'? Can I use the word 'Twat'?

The rest of my team all shift their seats away from me.

"No."


GENIOUS.

Submitted by paint_it_black at 2006-09-13 04:00:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

FUCKING GREAT

Submitted by Spam at 2006-09-12 13:46:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by richardcranium (user info) at 2006-09-12 13:40:01 (#)
Ranking: 0

Didn't read. "Wankers". Limeys.

--

I'm so proud I qualify for the Alter treatement. And on only the second post you;ve ever reviewed too!!

Submitted by richardcranium at 2006-09-12 13:40:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Didn't read. "Wankers". Limeys.

Submitted by compEngineer0 at 2006-09-12 11:57:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2006-09-12 09:14:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Gotta love the reverse-psychology-guilt-trip.

Submitted by shitfuck at 2006-09-12 00:45:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Blah balyh blah

Submitted by coley at 2006-09-11 23:23:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-09-11 23:19:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
When I call somebody, one of the first things I do is ask people if they're happy to talk to me. If they say 'No' than I apologise for bothering them and hang-up the phone. That's the way it should be done.

What fucks me off is when you tell a salesman that you're not interested, and they still keep coming at ya. AT that point, I figure they're fair game for me to start fucking with them.
=========
That's awfully nice of ya.
If I wasn't so scurred of internet strangers, I'd say to put me on your calling list. Then again, I don't need no steenking eensurance.

I agree..I tell the caller twice, politely, that I'm not interested and to have a nice day. If they keep going, fuck em. I'm hangin up.

"What the hell man ,if you tell them you're not interested ,and they keep comin at ya ,more better you hang up on them than have to listen to their scripted pitches ,uh?"

Submitted by Spam at 2006-09-11 23:19:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-11 23:02:59 (#)
Ranking: 2

Fabulous.

let it be noted that I am physically and emotionally unable to simply hang up on a telemarketer.
Though I have never (and hopefully *will* never) held that job, I feel it is my duty as a decent human being to let them finish their first sentence and then politely yet firmly let them know I am not interested.

Is that a character flaw? or does that make me nice?

I can't decide.

--

When I call somebody, one of the first things I do is ask people if they're happy to talk to me. If they say 'No' than I apologise for bothering them and hang-up the phone. That's the way it should be done.

What fucks me off is when you tell a salesman that you're not interested, and they still keep coming at ya. AT that point, I figure they're fair game for me to start fucking with them.

Submitted by coley at 2006-09-11 23:02:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fabulous.

let it be noted that I am physically and emotionally unable to simply hang up on a telemarketer.
Though I have never (and hopefully *will* never) held that job, I feel it is my duty as a decent human being to let them finish their first sentence and then politely yet firmly let them know I am not interested.

Is that a character flaw? or does that make me nice?

I can't decide.

Submitted by JulsInsane at 2006-09-11 21:33:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by LeaderOfMen at 2006-09-11 20:59:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I laughed so hard when I read potatomanjack's comment I pissed a little in my pantaloons. A definite +2 for Boiler Room, let alone the story.

Submitted by potatomanjack at 2006-09-11 20:30:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Rectum?

Damn near killed em'!

Man I love that line. This story reminded me of it, because it is also good.

Submitted by Spam at 2006-09-11 18:26:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-11 11:18:55 (#)
Ranking: 2

Coffee is for closers.

--

awesome movie.

Submitted by Crystle at 2006-09-11 18:22:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Bwahahahaa...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-11 11:18:55 (#)
Ranking: 2

Coffee is for closers.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2006-09-11 17:00:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

coo.l

Submitted by CrewAndrew at 2006-09-11 17:00:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

awesome

Submitted by Davros at 2006-09-11 16:08:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Wanker.

-Dave

Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart at 2006-09-11 15:59:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by UnderOathMeal at 2006-09-11 14:37:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*Quite* well written. Nice work.

As a salesperson myself, I'm tempted to defend your generalizations here. For the sake of brevity however I shall not.

Submitted by DeathJester at 2006-09-11 14:26:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HAHAHAHA Borker.

Classic.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2006-09-11 14:25:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

All customers love the cack.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2006-09-11 14:22:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

somebody called called called gag?

stuttering fuck.


Submitted by BadSamaritan87 at 2006-09-11 13:20:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for having seen Boiler Room.

Submitted by Spam at 2006-09-11 13:02:39 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

The eighties called - they want their 'somebody called' called gag back.

Submitted by Uberjunkie at 2006-09-11 13:00:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2006-09-11 12:50:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

fat tony called he wants his schtick back.


Submitted by sideshow at 2006-09-11 12:48:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

So true.

Submitted by Susie_Derkins at 2006-09-11 12:41:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Logged in just to rate this. You have inspired me, sir. I usually yell obscenities at my voicemail as it plays messages from asshole lawyers or their bitter assistants. But I've always been tempted to tell them to call me back when they've taken their head out of their ass and then hang up on them.

Submitted by Stin at 2006-09-11 12:39:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome.

Submitted by loki at 2006-09-11 12:37:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm not allowed to talk to clients, it's for the best really.

Submitted by ubetidid at 2006-09-11 12:20:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AJ at 2006-09-11 12:03:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Dervel at 2006-09-11 11:54:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm a buyer so everyone has to be nice to me, even when I'm uncharacteristically being a git.

It's amazing how far you can push people before their pride, and fear of losing their job, kicks in and they stop taking needless crap from people.

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2006-09-11 11:26:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I live to hang up on people

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2006-09-11 11:18:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Coffee is for closers.

Submitted by JoeyG at 2006-09-11 11:04:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm glad I no longer have to deal with our clients, face to face or over the phone. If I had to, I would have been sacked a loooooong time ago.

Submitted by hour_man at 2006-09-11 10:48:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Happens all the time to me.

Submitted by matchoo at 2006-09-11 10:42:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Well written.

It's a bit odd, by my name is Matt, and I'm a Sales Manager for an insurance company. But that guy sounds like a prick, so it can't be right.

Ah well, maybe.

I enjoyed it anyway

Submitted by GodChicken at 2006-09-11 10:41:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by St_Jimmy at 2006-09-11 10:39:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"No Sam, none of our customers are cocks.."

That line made me squirt coke out of my nose. Wanker.

Submitted by littledan at 2006-09-11 10:38:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Just fucking beautiful.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2006-09-11 10:33:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Loved it. I'd buy the fucking T Shirt.

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2006-09-11 10:31:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I know a dude who works in a call centre, similar thing happened to him once, good show!

Submitted by UnderOathMeal at 2006-09-11 10:28:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-09-11 10:22:00 (#)
Ranking: -2

I don't care if it's too long, go fuck yourself.

============

*fucks himself*

Submitted by Merlina at 2006-09-11 10:26:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You know, many years ago I decided I preferred honesty. I have only ever been fired once (suprisingly) and I've said what I thought to every single person I've met through business.

When I was a shop manager (many years ago) I'd refuse to serve rude customers, tell them firmly to just leave the shop and then ring head office to tell them the truth before the customer got to them. And I was always okay.

Honesty IS the best policy.

Good for you. Most people ARE knobheads.

Submitted by Spam at 2006-09-11 10:22:00 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I don't care if it's too long, go fuck yourself.


I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a
spare in case Bart's brain blows up.

-- Homer Simpson
Bart the Genius