The Cock BlockSubmitted by Unabonger at 2006-08-09 00:21:22 EDT
Rating: 1.09 on 13 ratings (13 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
The cock block. You've experienced it, in one way or another, at some point. The definition of cock block goes as follows:
1. (v) The means at which one individual prevents the sexual conquest of another individual by word, action or motive and acts accordingly to prevent sexual intercourse between the fucker and the fuckee.
2. (n) A person who prevents said intercourse through previously stated means. See also "Ron's a fucking cock block."
There are many versions of the cock block and I'm positive I won't cover them all here. But the ones that spring to mind go as follows...
1. The Savior. The Savior acts independantly at your usual get-together/bar/club/random night at the cat house. This usually includes guy sitting at the bar who sees some chick fall off her stool and immediately comes to her side whenever a guy approaches. He thinks to himself "She's not an adult. She came here against her will and was forced those twelve shots of Jager and can't defend herself properly". This guy may or may not know the girl he's protecting but as soon as you go up to 'special-ed drunk girl', you are harrassed with blatant insults and assumptions towards your motive. While these assumptions are, in their purest form, accurate, the fact that you're going to take her in your car, fuck her silly and leave her on the side of the road doesn't necessarily mean you're going to drive her to the middle of nowhere to do it. I mean what are you, an asshole? These assholes will prevent you at any step of the way from banging the drunk chick at the bar.
Solution: As with any situation, it needs to be scoped out. If you're that desperate asshole at the bar, showing up thirty minutes before last call, and trying to get the drunkest girl in there to go home with your slovenly-ass, there's only one thing to do when Cock Block Ver. 1.0 steps up...Slam a beer bottle or a glass ashtray into his fucking teeth. But the scoping provides the assumed knowledge that she is there without a man and got drunk knowing, full well, that she was going to get shagged by a stranger with a prepensity towards anal sex and a raging case of herpes. By quickly jutting a beer bottle in his face, the cock block in this situation is left without proper use of his tongue and/or jaw and, ergo, cannot insult you or question your motive in any mono-syllabic dialect so that she understands what a jerkoff you are.
2. The Drunken Friend. The drunken friend is usually your buddy. Regardless of how many times you two have gone out together, regardless of how many times he's been the perfect wingman, any friend can become Cock Block Ver. 2.0 with too much to drink. Tonight, there's two really hot chicks that are totally into chilling and drinking and talking, but your friend had one too many. He keeps commenting on her physical features...as in turning to the same girl three times in an hour and saying "wow you have pretty eyes" or "geez, you got a butt that won't quit!".
Solution: Tell him that the four (five six seven) of you are going to a burger joint and convince his drunk ass to meet you there. Then stay and have a couple more drinks with the ladies. Hope and pray on the threesome (foursome fivesome whatever) but don't count on it. At best, you'll convince one of them that you're not a complete loser who ditches his friends and you'll score.
3. The Designated Fat Friend (DFF). The desgnated fat friend is, possibly, the most difficult cock block to overcome. Women go out with their girlfriends and rarely leave home without the DFF. this is the girl that women invite so that they have a mother-figure telling them when it's time to leave, time to stop drinking, time to stop having fun, etc. Women feel more responsible if they bring a DFF. Plus the tubby bitch can throw down a 12-pack and not feel drunk so it's a designated driver too. She'll do anything in her power to prevent her friends from getting laid by your fake, pimp-ass. She'll go even as far as to hit on you heavily and pretend she's drunk. DO NOT fall for this. You're not going to bang her and, even if you did, you prevent yourself from ever banging her hot friends.
Solution: This one's tricky. I'd say shove an ashtray in her fat jowls but it'll probably turn off the victim. Your best bet is to make nice and pretend like you have more than two dimensions to your character and hope they go to the bathroom and talk about what a nice guy you are...but the big problem lies in that the DFF never gets any shagging. If you're too nice, you'll be the object of DFF's affection too. That's a bad place to be. Your best bet is to be the nice guy for a couple hours and then turn to the object of your desire and say something along the lines of "You know (DFF) told me you're gay...I was kinda bummed to hear that cause I really would like to take you out to dinner one night". The idea is that you prevent total honestly between the victim and the DFF. Or shove a bottle in her face and move on to the next bar.
4. Version 4.0 includes the simple individuals I haven't quite covered. Like the object's child, relative or ex husband. It can also include your ex girlfriend/boyfriend (if you're into that sort of thing...
...and there's nothing wrong with that...) These versions can also contain certain acts of God like fire, tornado, hurricane or lackof welfare check.
Solution: Forget it. Go somewhere else while there's still time. In fact, while we're at it, forget all the solutions I've posted. Just fucking run. Find yourself some other bar whore who'll give you love, admiration and sex for one night and leave you with a long, tiring case of HPV.