The Quad WhopperSubmitted by Murphy1844 at 2006-05-28 19:41:53 EDT
Rating: 1.22 on 25 ratings (25 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
My boss at work is disgusting. He’s a short guy, in his early thirties, and he’s fat and weasly. He smokes a cigarette about every thirty minutes and, when he’s not smoking, he’s got some chaw nestled away in his gums. His name is Jason.
One time, we went through the Wendy’s drive-through. He was driving and he needed to order for both of us. “What do you want,” he asked, his voice as gravely as a veteran smoker in his late 70’s. In fact, if he weren’t in his minivan at the time, I guarantee he’d have a smoke burning between his fingers.
“Number one, no tomatoes, with a diet and two sides of BBQ sauce,” I said.
“Number one, diet, no tomatoes…”
I said, “don’t forget the BBQ sauce.”
“And a couple sides of BBQ sauce.” Then he ordered for himself. “I’ll have a large number five with a coke (the triple burger, mind you)… and…”
He paused. Oh my god, I thought, he needs MORE! I laughed out loud. He knew what I was laughing about. I always make fun of him for being a fat, nasty pig. He always makes fun of me for wanting to stick my dick in a man’s asshole. I guess it’s a wash.
He said the next sentence really quick because he knew what I was laughing at. “A Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger that’s it.” Then he looked at me, I was still laughing, and he said “shut up, bitch.”
I watched him gorge. When Jason eats, it’s him and whatever else is in front of him. He’ll keep the conversation greased, saying “uh huh” and “yeah, yeah, okay” and so on, but he never looks up from his food. When extra mayonnaise drips down the side of his lips, he slurps it in to his mouth with no shame. He’s still chewing when he drinks from his soda. It’s fucking hilarious.
So asked him, “hey Jason, you think you could put down a quad whopper.” He laughed at me. Andrew, another one of our coworkers, laughed at me too. Feeling outnumbered and cornered for some reason, I said to Andrew: “What… you think YOU can?”
Andrew said, “well… yeah, I think, but I’m not going to. Do you know how many CALORIES are in that?” Andrew’s watching his weight. He’s been eating a lot of soup lately.
I said, to both of them: “I’m pretty sure you can Andrew, but I think Jason would have some problems.” Andrew snorted. He knew what I was doing.
“Fuck you,” said Jason, and then he smashed about twenty crunched up fries in to his mouth (that were dripping with fry sauce).
“Okay,” I said. “How about next week? Both of you? We’ll see who finishes first…”
Andrew came back the next week with three bags of food from Burger King. The first thing he said to me is, “Jesus… here: feel how much this WEIGHS!” I held the bags and instantly started laughing. God, this was going to be funny.
As I was arranging the quads for some shots with my digital camera, Andrew told us about the drive through. “I told ‘em I wanted a triple whopper meal, add one patty.” I guess the drive-through person said, “triple whopper meal, add CHEESE?” Andrew corrected, “no, no… add an entire PATTY… make it a quad.” He said that he swears they were laughing at him.
A quad whopper is pretty easy to visualize. FOUR patties of beef, sandwiched between two sesame seed buns, dripping out the bottom with greasy condiments. The bottom bun looked helpless… trapped under the weight of FOUR patties. Being satisfied with my pictures, they started.
The next part is sort of anti-climatic. Jason always has to be the one that’s right, the one-upper. It obviously stems from some sort of insecurity, and as I watched him eat, Jason was completely humorless. Personally, I couldn’t stop laughed. They had to practically YAWN to take a bite. And Jason, of course, finished first (and pointed it out, again, rather shamelessly).
“That,” I said, “is probably up there with one of the sickest things I’ve seen.” Andrew laughed, still working on the last two bites.
“I don’t think I can finish,” he said, putting the glob of meat on the waxed paper. “All I can taste is meat.”
“Just finish you fucking pussy,” Jason said, as he was taking a sip off his soda.
Anyway, I developed the pictures and took them home to show my roommates. I showed David first. David has about 35% body fat and is almost as disgusting as Jason. David smokes a lot of weed too, so over indulging is something he’s quite used to. And I should have known when I showed him the close-up shot of the Quad. You see, I can’t fathom how anyone could look at this picture and then grab their side as if experiencing hunger pangs. It’s the most disgusting (and somehow disturbing) shot of fast food ever taken. Burger King’s stock would plummet if I posted this thing on the internet and it got in the right hands.
“God, that looks GOOD,” David said. He was stoned.
He agreed to take The Challenge. Only I upped the ante. We agreed that, if David could put down a large sized meal with a quad AND a triple whopper (that’s SEVEN FUCKING PATTIES OF BEEF!! OH GOD!!) then I would spring for half the cost. If he didn’t finish, he’s buying the whole thing.
David finished the quad and went to bed early, complaining of being sick. The next morning, he slept in, complaining of being sick. The quad fucked up his whole night and next day.
So to scamble for a moral to justify this post, all I have to say is this:
Don’t fuck with quad cause you know what? The quad don’t change… it changes YOU!