You fuck men and women. You're bisexual.Submitted by Unabonger at 2006-02-10 16:14:38 EST
Rating: 1.8 on 59 ratings (59 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Did I miss a fucking memo or something? Because sometime between my highschool days and now, probably while I was sleeping or on drugs, another sexuality has emerged. What, might you ask, has this metrosexual, emo, media-influenced, television-watching, cupcake-eating, internet-addicted, country-western, hardcore, punk, goth, cynical, lazy, industrious, Sean John-wearing society created?
It's called non-gender-specific sexual preference.
Has anyone else heard of this? Have I been under a fucking rock or something? Or are you, like me, thinking the world has gone completely off it's fucking rocker?
This is the story: I cruise out to French Quarter Cafe to hear some music and have a couple then cruise into Jonathan's on my way home for a quick The Godfather sandwich...yes it's fucking good. No it doesn't shoot people. As I'm sitting there with my friend, we notice a few cute girls come in. I think nothing of it because he's way fucking drunk and, if you've ever been there, you know it's a hindrance to say the least. But he insists on bringing one or two over to the table and having a drink. Who am I to argue? He's shitfaced and it means he'll buy me a shot too. We talk to them for a bit then all but one leaves. We have a couple of drinks and get to talking about all kinds of things. My friend lifted his head from the table and listened in as soon as she said "blah blah blah my ex girlfriend."
I don't bat an eye at that shit...it's like everyone is gay or bi or whatever these days and if it catches you off guard you need to get out more. But Barry went ahead and asked the obvious..."Are you gay?"
In mid sentence, she looked to him and said no then continued with what she was saying. Barry said "Oh you're bi, then?" She heaved a sigh and turned to him and said "No I'm not bi either. I'm non-gender specific."
I couldn't hold back the words as they sprouted, seemingly, from nowhere out of my mouth. "Kinda like Jaimie Lee Curtis when she was born, right?"
It didn't make anyone laugh but me and I giggled like a school girl. But I had to get the low down on this one.
Me: "Ok. You sleep with guys and girls."
Me: "You date guys and girls?"
Me: "But you're not bi, gay or straight?"
Her: (as if she should be shouting EUREKA THIS GUY'S GOT IT!) "Exactly!"
My Brain: "Fuck this, Unabonger. You're on your own. I can't grab that one."
So she explained a bit further. Apparently gender doesn't exist in the mind of a non-gender specific .....person. it's all about what feels right and has nothing to do with wanting to get some dick or wanting to lick pussy.
So I said "Maybe bisexual just isn't a term you like, honey, but you're it."
She got pissy. "Here my friend can explain it better than I can."
Her friend patronized me and I felt like a kid in school who just can't get algebra. She explained it in slow, one-syllable words. I stared, open-mouthed, into thin air not grasping this shit at all. I said "Do you fuck dogs?" to which I got (of course) a "no". But I thought it was all about the pleasure??
Like bisexual people are all about "OOOOH! today I wanna get a dick in me! Tomorrow I'm all about pussy!" instead of THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING DESCRIBED ABOVE!
Jesus it's like bisexuality has lost it's...uniqueness. It's lost it's appeal. Everyone's bisexual or gay or straight so it's inevitable that some morons are going to make up new shit to be so they can classify themselves as different.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you have sex with men and women, you are bisexual. Don't look at me like I should 'think outside the box more'. You're just being an idiot if you deny it. I don't need to think outside the box anymore than I already do. You need to get ahold of your insecure 'I need to be special so I'll make up a pretend sexuality so I can patronize people who don't get it...my secret is there's nothing to get! HAHA! LOLZ!"
And is there any defense when someone tells you you're not 'thinking outside the box'? It's like when someone calls you crazy and your eye twitches and you shout a desperate "I'm not CRAZY!"
...sure you're not, bub.
Anyway...I thought it was ridiculous but you may run into one of these people someday so consider yourself educated. It was a lesson in stupidity for me last night.
The chick demanded that I buy her a shot after the whole ordeal. I refused, grabbed my coat and left.