I'll meet you in the next life... Don't be late.Submitted by Spam at 2006-02-03 14:02:09 EST
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I wanted to do this in fine style and, to some extent, I guess I could’ve done so quite easily. But for this occasion, I thought I'd tell you all something about me.
I’ve been fucking everything up since I was around 13
I never really knew why because despite the arrogance implicit in such a statement, I’ve always felt that there wasn’t really a lot I couldn’t do.
I’ve touched briefly on my school days in a previous post and I wasn’t exaggerating then when I said that I was unanimously described as ‘gifted’ by my teachers but then, in the spirit of fairness, I guess I should tell you that the same teachers also described me as ‘the biggest disappointment in their teaching career’. It sounds narcissistic to tell you this I know, but for reasons which may become apparent to the more intuitive reader, reactions I get to this post matter not to me, so fucking deal with it.
Ever been told: “if you put as much effort into doing your work as you do avoiding it, you’d be the best student here.”?
Well I never thought of that as a cliché until I started senior school.
And you know, it’s fucking true. I really do put more effort into avoiding a job set for me then it would take to actually do the fucker and although this is the first time I’ve actually sat down and thought about the reasons behind this, I’m fairly sure it’s down to the fact that I’ve never, ever, enjoyed doing a SINGLE task that somebody else has asked me to accomplish. I’m fucking CERTAIN that I’ve always got a far greater sense of achievement from dodging stuff then I would actually fucking doing it.
Did I ever tell you that, at 14, I got a result on my Key Stage 3 maths exam that was so high, they had to MAKE UP a new grade for me? ‘s true, the test went from level 1 to level 7 and I got given a level 8, a feat that nobody else in the history of the exam had ever achieved whilst attending our school. Once, in a GCSE geography exam, there was a printing mistake in the test paper and we were asked questions about a graph that didn’t make sense. So I redrew the graph, rewrote the question and then answered it.
That year, I was the only person in the county to get that question right
It’s at this point that you should be reaching for the -2 and asking yourself why I’m regaling you guys with a tale of how brilliant I am and, in all honesty you should, for there is nothing of merit in this post – I just want you to know why I’m doing what I’m doing.
You see, I left school with mediocre results, a fact that was – wrongly - attributed to laziness by my tutors. In reality, it was merely because I just DIDN’T WANT TO DO WHAT YOU WANTED ME TO DO.
They kicked me out of my ‘A’-levels a year later because of this lethargy and I got my revenge by paying out money to take them anyway - even though I’d had no tuition.
Again, that bell’s ringing in my head - the warning claxon that signals me when I’m being too egotistical, and I feel the need to apologise - even though I don’t feel sorry for telling you what, in essence, is the truth.
I walked from school straight into a job I excelled in (again, this is something I’ve touched on in a recent post) and from there I went from strength to strength, ending in a well paid position that I could (and DID) do whilst inebriated to point of unconsciousness. In all honesty, I didn’t do that job too well, but then, that was simply because I didn’t WANT to rather than because I couldn’t.
And that’s my story. I’ve spent my entire academic and ‘working’ life getting good results whilst simultaneously working my ass off to avoid putting effort into anything worthwhile. It’s been easy and it’s been fun.
If you’re pissed off because I’m here telling you how easy I’ve had it through my life, then I can understand, but this next section is something that you’re probably going to want to read and besides, these are things that I’ve never really discussed with anybody.
You see, even with all this ‘success’, coming so easily to me, I’ve always struggled. I’ve always felt empty.
Wanna know why?
Fuck, you probably do already right?
They’re a fucking mystery. There’s nothing - and I’m not kidding – NOTHING that I’ve set my mind on accomplishing that didn’t just fall in my lap for me, but throughout it all I’ve felt unfulfilled - like there’s been a piece missing.
I can’t talk to them you see. Or rather, I can’t talk to any woman that I find attractive. And I’m not just talking superficially attractive – those chicks are fucking easy – I’m talking the whole bag, chicks with fucking POTENTIAL – those are the ones that fuck me up.
I dunno why it is, I’ve a slew of female friends who all think I’m charming and witty and shit, but the thing is, they’re my fucking FRIENDS. Show me a woman that I actually want to sleep with and something fucking happens to me and I turn into a drooling mute.
And let’s be honest here people, if a women ever falls for me, it aint gonna be because of my looks.
Fuck man, I’m pretty fucking drunk right now, and I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but up until a couple weeks ago, I’d never slept with a single woman that didn’t annoy the living piss out of me.
That’s my curse, doomed to failure as I am by my inability to charm ladies I actually want, I’ve been forced to prey upon the undesirable in order to gain any kind of sexual gratification.
I can’t think why. I guess that maybe the idea that a woman is deluded enough to find me attractive is the biggest turn off I can think of. Fuck, reading that sentence back is depressing.
So, so far this post has been a strangely mismatched exercise in arrogance and insecurity, two traits that, oddly enough, always seem to go hand in hand. Again, I can feel the few who will have read this far will now be thinking ‘SO?? WHAT’S THE FUCKING POINNT OF ALL THIS??!!’
There is no point.
When I was a kid, I had this toy. It was picture of a penguin painted onto a 4x4 grid of interconnected tiles. The thing was, there was one tile missing you see, so you could swap the tiles around randomly to mix up the picture and then spend the next few minutes trying to logically slide the tiles around so that they made up that penguin again.
The thing that always fucked me off about that game was that no matter how hard you worked, no matter how quickly you slid the picture back into place, it would ALWAYS have the corner missing. No matter what you did, that picture was never going to get completed. But I guess, if there were never a piece missing, you couldn’t slide that shit around and then what would be the fucking POINT?
I always felt life was a bit like that, that you’re only ever given a few tiles that you have to rearrange to make the picture that most pleases you. At some points, you may manage to get an almost perfect image of happiness and at others, everything is such a jumbled mess that nothing seems to make sense. But no matter what, never - never once - do you have everything you ever wanted. Not in the real world.
But like the tile puzzle, if you ever did have all the pieces, what’d be the fucking point?
Fuck this, I’m tired of waxing lyrical to you fuckers about shit that you don’t care about.
And in a way, I guess that’s really what this whole post boils down to.
I lost my job a couple of months ago you see, and yes, I’m using the term ‘lost’ loosely. And now, with all my experience in high pressure, well-paid positions, with all my good results from exams I didn’t revise for, for the first time in my life I can’t get a decent job. Ten years of slacking catching up with me.
Am I depressed about my failure in the one field I’ve always been successful at?
Because this all happened about the same time I hooked up with The Girl.
The Lord giveth, and the lord taketh away.
So I’ve been lost this last month, happy as I was with my tag of being lucky with money but unlucky in love, I was completely unable to deal with the complete reversal of the situation.
But I’ve thought about it. The tiles slide and a new picture forms and it’s up to you to do your best to re-organise things until everything makes seems.
You haven’t worked this out yet have you?
I’ve gotta change guys. I just don’t think I can go on like this, slacking off was cool whilst everything was going well for me and anyway, I always felt I deserved a break somewhere because the one thing I wanted had always eluded me. But now I’ve GOT that one thing, and I can’t rightly expect anything free to come my way anymore. I gotta start working for my shit.
So I made this promise, one that I’ve made a thousand times before but never believed until this moment, I promise to try, to work, to graft. I promise that no matter where I end up tomorrow, no matter what it is I end up doing for money, I’m gonna do it well, give it my all. I’m gonna Work where before I merely just existed. I’m gonna change. I’m gonna drop all the stupidity I used to waste my time with
I’m gonna succeed.
Sure, if the day ever does come where I’m happy with my station in work, I can guarantee that fate’ll come along and fuck something else up for me.
But I gotta at least TRY and change things, otherwise what’s the point in playing the game?
So, ‘What does this all mean?’ you may ask again.
It means that I’m not the same person as I was last week, for better or worse. It means that everybody I come into contact with has got to get used to this change too. The guy you knew isn’t home anymore. Sure, sometime he may come back, depending on how things go, but for now, he’s dead.
That Me is dead
Spam is dead.
…And so he bids you all adieu.
'When I was a child, I played with childish things,
as I become a man, I put those childish things away'
...Thanks for All the Fish.JPG