login / register
That's 'funny' for you? I see
Welcome to Ubersite!

The Art of Getting Sacked - Bringing the Dumb Cunt Down

Submitted by Spam at 2005-12-09 14:43:19 EST
Rating: 1.8 on 56 ratings (56 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Day One: http://www.ubersite.com/m/78574
Day Two: http://www.ubersite.com/m/78630


(a note to the septics: CV = Curriculum Vitae = Resume and GP = General Practitioner)



So that’s all folks.

I aint getting garden leave now. Sure as shit. My quest for a righteous suspension has been a spectacular failure, ended almost before it began at the hands of some dumb cunt purely for her own amusement.

Title make sense now?

Good.



Wednesday (day 3): Wrapping up the loose ends.

So I had a week to get the sack and find new a job right? But that’s out the fucking window quicker than a burning WTC office worker so now I gotta improvise, get creative. I’ve gotta come up with some brilliant reason why I can’t go to work for the rest of this week so I can spend the time I need to circulate my CV to the necessary people.

“Hi. Donna?”

“Yes Sam?”

“I can’t come in today - I’m Sick.”

<click>

Job done.

Of course, I’ll have hell to pay when I do go back but there’s fuck all they can do in the meantime - I followed company procedure by calling in, I just didn’t fuck about with explanations.



Thursday (Day 4): Seeds of a plan

CV’s were out yesterday but there’s no fucking way I’m going in this morning, so I make another early morning call to Brenda’s mobile.

“B, I need a favour”

“Anything honey.”

She means it too, I make a quick note to buy her a couple of bottles of wine before I leave for putting up with me.

“I need you to tell Donna that I’m not going in today but that you don’t know why. Then make sure that you tell Tom that I’m not actually sick and it’s all one big skive.”

“No problem” She chuckles and hangs up without asking any questions.



Friday (Day 5): My friend the doctor

No way. I mean, come on, it’s a fucking Friday, so I go to the pub for the day instead. But not before going to the Doctor’s surgery first.



So that’s week one done with. What’s the matter? Disappointed? I know what you’re thinking:- “You were supposed to bring that Ramona bitch down and so far you haven’t even been to work yet”. Am I right?

Ye of little faith.

It’s all in the details my friends, and for the most part, I’ve left them out thus far.

---

Week 2

Let me tell you about Ramona.

Frankly, Ramona disgusts me in almost every way imaginable, always has. I get a lot of shit from people when I explain to them how repulsive this girl is, for various reasons, but mainly it’s because she is protected by the fact that you could literally throw a bucket of discriminatory labels at her at and most of them’ll stick like shit to a blanket.

Don’t understand what I mean? Try this: she’s short, fat, black and ugly.

Don’t get me wrong, that’s not why I hate her - some of my best friends are fat and ugly. No, what I hate about her is her attitude. This girls is Rude in just about every sense of the word.

I remember one day when she’d just started I was interrupted from my pretence of work by a derisive snort from the desk opposite me, the kind of snort that actually just means ‘look at me, I’m about to say something’. So I made the mistake of looking up. The image I was met with was one that at the time, bought bile up to the back of my throat almost immediately but later I was to realise that in the absence of partitions between desks, I would just have to get used to it.

Ramona was slouched back in her chair, the legs of her 5 foot frame dangling just above the carpet. Her left hand clutched an enormous bacon roll which she seemed intent on cramming into her rotund face whole, crumbs mixed with saliva and globules of grease slopping down from her chin in the process. She had hitched up shirt her to expose her enormous and grotesque belly that’d been marbleised by a coat of stretch marks and was using the other hand to go about the serious business of removing the clumps of fluff and dirt that had gathered in her bellybutton in order to flick them absently onto my desk.

Seeing that she had got my attention she gestured to a chubby girl across the office who I knew to be nothing other than sweet and, with her mouth still full, said in heavily accented Jamaican tones: “I doan know ‘ow it’s possible to let yo’sel get into dat kinda state. Does she even re’lise wat she looks like? Dat girl needs to goan get some ex’cise.”

Even through the shower of half digested meat I was hit with, I knew then that this bitch had no redeeming qualities whatsoever.



Monday (Day 6)

09:15: Fruition

You know how this goes by now right? I’m only fifteen minutes late today because In all honesty, I’m expecting to walk into a bit of a shitstorm and I don’t wanna give these guys any more reason to be pissed off at me then they’ve got already. I probably only worked for a total of 15 minutes last week and all they’ve heard from me in the last 5 days is a phone call consisting of nine words and a hang-up.

I know that my plan has worked immediately when I see two anxious glances to me as I walk in the door and when Tim turns to give me his warning, I know already what it is he wants to say.

“She did it again mate. Brenda told me last week that you weren’t really sick, but that fucking twat Ramona overheard her again and went crying to Donna and Martin about you. All three of them are waiting in Martin’s office for you now”

I grin.

“Excellent.”


09:30: Yet another Meeting

“Morning all”

I stroll into the office cheerfully and I can see that this unsettles everybody immediately. Over the course of the last two years, I’ve built a reputation for fucking with people during private meetings and Donna and Martin recognise straight away that my charming smile signifies that I’ve got something up my sleeve for them. Nonetheless, I know they’ll carry on with everything regardless, unoriginal bastards that they are. Ramona, on the other hand, has no idea what I’m like and her victorious expression is something I’m going to take real pleasure in removing.

Martin starts up the meeting.

“Sam, do you know why you’re here?”

I shouldn’t, but it’s too good an opportunity to refuse.

“Because it’s tough to find jobs where I can get paid for sitting at home watching TV?”

Martin knows better than to pursue that line of conversation and yet again, I have to say I’m impressed at how professionally he lets the quip slide.

“We know that you weren’t sick for the last three days Sam, we’re here to give you an opportunity to explain yourself.” Again, it’s very diplomatic and it almost sounds like he’s doing me a favour by dragging me into his lair.

“Well that’s very gracious of you Martin, thank you. But I’ve a better idea. Why don’t the three of you tell me what grounds you’ve got to sit there and call me a liar to my face and then, when you realise that you’ve made a mistake, you can all apologise to me.”

It’s only when I hear myself come out with statements like that, that I realise how far I’ve come in the last week. When this started all I wanted was to leave early without pissing anybody off too much and still get a reference. And now…?

Well now I just Don’t Fucking Care.

Anger passes over Martin’s face for the briefest of instances and I can tell I’ve got to him. Which means I’ve won. When he replies, the diplomacy has dissolved and there’s a hard edge to his voice.

“Well Sam, in that case would you care to explain two things for me please? Firstly, how is it that on my lunch break on Friday, I drove past you strolling down the high street looking more than healthy and without a care in the world and secondly, tell us how it is that Ramona came to overhear your colleagues discussing a phone call where you admitted to one of them that you were not sick at all.”

Fair dues, being spotted on Friday was unexpected, but nothing I can’t handle. I fill my repost with as much feigned anger as I can muster.

“Well Martin, let me first congratulate you.”

“I’m Sorry?”

“Well y’see, when you saw me I was in fact, on my way to the doctor’s surgery to get my back checked out. The reason I’m congratulating you is because this doctor, Doctor Kott, had to do at least five years of medical school followed by maybe another year or so of internship in order to become a GP. Even after all that, he still had to perform a number of lengthy medical tests to come up with a diagnosis. Yet YOU, a call centre manager with absolutely no experience in medicine whatsoever, were able to fully examine me and confidently give me a clean bill of health BECAUSE YOU DROVE PAST ME IN THE STREET?!!.”

Stop getting carried away Sam.

All three faces in the office are agape at my apparent fury and It is with a struggle that I don’t burst into laughter. So that they don’t notice my inner turmoil, I look down as I rummage around in my pocket and the produce the sign-off note Doctor Kott had given me on Friday. I slide it across the desk with evil smile straight at Ramona.

Donna and Martin stare in turn at the note, then at me, until finally their questioning gaze falls upon Ramona too.

“No, no, no. wait a sec'and. I swear I ‘erd Brenda telling Tim wha’gowan.”

There’s a pause as the managers try to make sense of the gibberish. A pause I take full advantage of.

“Look,” I begin, “I didn’t want to go into this but you’re leaving me no choice here. I’ve noticed that over the last three weeks or so, Ramona’s had some sort of problem with me for some reason. I can’t explain it properly but it seems that she’s always sniping and having a go at me. Now I know - I’m a big boy - and really, I don’t mind that so much, but last week she was discussing my lateness with Donna when it had nothing to do with her and today she’s making up lies to get me into more trouble with you guys.”

Donna and Martin have that look of worry that I love to see on the faces of management and Ramona is completely outraged.

I continue: “I’m sure if you ask Brenda and Tim in here, they’ll confirm that this alleged phone conversation never took place.”

I turn to Ramona now and say in a tone of friendly support, “Ramona, I have no idea why you’d be like this but I’m sure you see how unfair this is. The only thing I can come up with to explain it is that maybe you’re attracted to me in some way but you’re upset because you're wise enough to know that I'm not intrested. I’m probably wrong, but like I say, that’s all I can come up with”

Another stunned silence The managers’ faces are plastered with raw curiosity and intrigue now, like they’re watching their favourite soap opera. Ramona’s look of rage has gone now and in it’s place, rather inexplicably, is one of acute sadness.


“Who Tol’ you dat?” She says.



“Dat wos supp’sed to be a secret”



Well fucking hell.

Even I didn’t expect that.



(To be continued...)
(maybe)



Review This Item

Rating:

Comment:




Reviews


Submitted by Linus at 2008-08-17 13:50:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 Spam. I hope this works--goddamn thing took me an hour to write.

Submitted by rodyarask at 2006-10-27 11:35:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Superb. You have a good way with abrupt endings.

Submitted by Spam at 2005-12-20 10:52:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

all posts (and indeed, reviews) from myself will be on hold until the new year pending recover from recent surgery, try to contain your chagrin.


(in case you were wondering, I had my penis reduced to a more mangeable 10 inches)

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2005-12-17 20:42:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Read 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest'

From reading this i think you'd like it

Submitted by Davros at 2005-12-17 20:25:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Spamuel, e-mail me. I only have your work address which I would presume no longer works.

dave.groves.at.gmail.com

-Dave

Submitted by Grimm at 2005-12-16 06:51:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Get Ramona on your side - then turn up the heat - great posts

Submitted by jack11058 at 2005-12-16 05:56:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

well done. so, are you gonna pork the porker?

Submitted by ozzy at 2005-12-16 05:52:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Fat fucking moolies.

Ha ha, Moolies.

I fucking love that word!

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2005-12-16 05:46:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Still taking notes...

Submitted by drewbear at 2005-12-16 04:58:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

dude im in a similar situation , you have inspired me !

Submitted by Dervel at 2005-12-16 03:50:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Shut it with your 2-0 nonsense. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you got lucky.

BTW, worst pun in a decade? Surely not, I've cracked worse this week. It's what I do best.

Submitted by Astropath at 2005-12-13 23:20:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Devious, insidious, and otherwise superior bastardry. Outstanding.

Submitted by jeveuxgagner at 2005-12-13 21:38:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Your reviews were amusing so i decided to check out your latest post.

i am glad i did.

Submitted by parzival at 2005-12-10 22:18:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Stin at 2005-12-10 17:10:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

More.

More, more, more, more, more.

Please?

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2005-12-10 11:35:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-10 06:19:19 (#)
Ranking: 2

thats the point.


or a conundrum.
____________________________________________
I bought a pack of conundrums at the drugstore just last week.

Submitted by U927 at 2005-12-10 11:19:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-12-09 16:08:44 (#)
Ranking: 2

Awesome.

I have been waiting for this follow up.

Submitted by Barnymeinhoff at 2005-12-10 08:11:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Rivers of blood

Submitted by Dervel at 2005-12-10 06:22:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I spent two hours trying to figure out the same conundrum.
The legend says that to enter the secret passageway, one must answer the ancient conundrum.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-12-10 06:20:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

im so tired right now, and have 2.66 hours until I am allowed to go home.


I think I'll take a nap.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-12-10 06:19:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

thats the point.


or a conundrum.

Submitted by Dervel at 2005-12-10 06:14:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Rad, if you were from England, you wouldn't.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-12-10 06:07:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

If I was from engerland Id want to be a northerner

Submitted by CHR15 at 2005-12-10 06:04:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Dervel at 2005-12-10 05:41:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

We make them.

We ridicule anyone who doesn't conform to a set racial stereotype.

For example, Spam is a Northener therefore he has to be amusing and resemble either Jonny Vegas or Peter Kay and be prone to bouts of unemployment.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-12-10 05:09:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

why do your darkies sound like our darkies?

Submitted by Dervel at 2005-12-10 04:45:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"But that's out the fucking window quicker than a burning WTC office worker"

---

Mwahahahahahhahahaha!

<breathes>

Bwahahahhahahahahaahahahahha!

<dies>


Submitted by silent1 at 2005-12-09 20:04:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Please finish! You can't be so mean as to leave us in the dark.

Love the deviousness.

Submitted by Spam at 2005-12-09 18:54:12 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Boom: I know you probably won't believe me but I have to say this just because your comment make me fucking piss myself.

Of all the things that have been embelished and hollywoodised in this story, I swear to fucking god the description of Ramona is one part with absolutley no exagerations whatsoever. That scene I described actually happened, word for fucking word, I'll never forget it. In fact, afterwards (and seriously, I'm not fucking jokeing) whilst I was starring at her, mouth agape with shock and disgust, she shrugged, bent over to pull out her waste paper bin from under her desk and just hocked up a big fuck-off loogie and spat it into the bin. In the middle of an office. Whilst I was watching. From about a 6 feet away.

If you only ever believe one thing I've ever written, it should be this.

Submitted by Kindred at 2005-12-09 18:15:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Chi_Guy (user info) at 2005-12-09 16:00:12 (#)
Ranking: +2

Because of this:

But that's out the fucking window quicker than a burning WTC office worker

And this story is pure gold.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Submitted by apollo88 at 2005-12-09 18:09:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

awesome.


Submitted by boomslang at 2005-12-09 17:52:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-12-09 16:40:44 (#)
Ranking: -2

Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2005-12-09 16:14:18 (#)
Ranking: 0

tim, tom, thom, whatever. i find this the least believable of the series.

--

what's not to believe?

It's not like I punched anybody in the face or called them a cunt or anything. Remember where I explained how, because I had handed my notice in already, they could only sack me for gross misconuct? Well, the reason I was so laborious about setting that up in the first couple of parts is because I knew somebody would cry shenanigans.

Yes, I have exaggerated and over-elaborated and used poetic license etc, and yes, I am nowhere near that eloquant when I speak but the bare balls of this is fairly accurate.

Not that it matters anyway, I only started this series to give me something to do during my final days at work and now that I have left the shithole, I find that I can't really be bothered to conclude it. The only reason I am at all is because I'm aware of the "are you going to finish that series or not?" comments I will get on any future posts.

Meh, I've typed too much already. Thank you for the implied compliment that I could actually fabricate something like this.

------------------

The part with Ramona just seemed to go overboard to get the reader to hate her. The scene with the bellybutton seems a little overembellished. While it may have been true, even for real life I think it's hard to believe. I think already the reader hates her enough because she's your enemy in the story.

Also, this one departs from the familiar format of the first two. The fact that you've lost the drive to conclude it properly shows in the piece. At this point the reader really wants to see something heinous happen to Ramona, but also still needs to believe that everything is genuine.

+2 for your extra efforts and everything in the reviews.

Submitted by EatMeCompletely at 2005-12-09 17:28:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I have been waiting for this.

Submitted by Spam at 2005-12-09 17:12:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Everything you ever wanted to know about Chi_Guy
User id: 4028
Registered on or around: 2003-12-03 13:22:38
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 73
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0.00

---

only 73 reviews in 2 two years?

personally I don't care and I've never asked this queation of a reviewer before ever - but are you an alter?

I hope not, it seems strange to me that somebody would feel the need to log into an alter to give me the rating they feel I deserve, like I'm gonnaa get all offended or retaliatory or something.

Submitted by DavyJones at 2005-12-09 17:02:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Chi, come now, that was a grand analogy.

Submitted by scourge at 2005-12-09 16:52:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Another damn fine installment in this saga..

Submitted by Spam at 2005-12-09 16:40:44 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2005-12-09 16:14:18 (#)
Ranking: 0

tim, tom, thom, whatever. i find this the least believable of the series.

--

what's not to believe?

It's not like I punched anybody in the face or called them a cunt or anything. Remember where I explained how, because I had handed my notice in already, they could only sack me for gross misconuct? Well, the reason I was so laborious about setting that up in the first couple of parts is because I knew somebody would cry shenanigans.

Yes, I have exaggerated and over-elaborated and used poetic license etc, and yes, I am nowhere near that eloquant when I speak but the bare balls of this is fairly accurate.

Not that it matters anyway, I only started this series to give me something to do during my final days at work and now that I have left the shithole, I find that I can't really be bothered to conclude it. The only reason I am at all is because I'm aware of the "are you going to finish that series or not?" comments I will get on any future posts.

Meh, I've typed too much already. Thank you for the implied compliment that I could actually fabricate something like this.

Submitted by Avals at 2005-12-09 16:36:09 EST (#)
Rating: 1

THAT DID NOT ACTUALLY HAPPEN, YOU CUNT!

Submitted by Spam at 2005-12-09 16:31:58 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by Chi_Guy (user info) at 2005-12-09 16:00:12 (#)
Ranking: -2

Because of this:

But that's out the fucking window quicker than a burning WTC office worker

And this story is pure bullshit.

---

AHAHAHAHAHA!!

You touchy fucker!! I knew that there would be somebody unable to pass up the oppurtunity to get all self righteous about that comment. It's one of the reasons I left it in there.

Submitted by boomslang at 2005-12-09 16:14:18 EST (#)
Rating: 0

tim, tom, thom, whatever. i find this the least believable of the series.

Submitted by RamJetMax at 2005-12-09 16:08:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome.

I have been waiting for this follow up.

Submitted by Chi_Guy at 2005-12-09 16:00:12 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Because of this:

But that's out the fucking window quicker than a burning WTC office worker

And this story is pure bullshit.


Submitted by Lisa at 2005-12-09 15:56:15 EST (#)
Rating: 0

"Ramona was slouched back in her chair, the legs of her 5 foot frame dangling just above the carpet. Her left hand clutched an enormous bacon roll which she seemed intent on cramming into her rotund face whole, crumbs mixed with saliva and globules of grease slopping down from her chin in the process. She had hitched up shirt her to expose her enormous and grotesque belly that'd been marbleised by a coat of stretch marks and was using the other hand to go about the serious business of removing the clumps of fluff and dirt that had gathered in her bellybutton in order to flick them absently onto my desk."


Nice catch, blanco nino.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2005-12-09 15:27:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Who Tol' you dat?" She says.



"Dat wos supp'sed to be a secret"
------

HAR HAR JUNGLE FEVER - YOU HAVE TO MAKE A BABY WOG WITH HER NOW, YOU POOR DUMB CUNT

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-12-09 15:17:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hahahhh

Submitted by EAZEDZT at 2005-12-09 15:10:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Wow that would be fun.

Submitted by stuckfix at 2005-12-09 15:04:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Brilliant. You should do some consulting, help out others with their dipshit co-workers, and make a profit.

Submitted by Yes at 2005-12-09 15:01:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ferris bueller grew up and turned limey? I didn't see that one coming.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2005-12-09 15:01:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by loki at 2005-12-09 15:00:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This is why I'm glad I'm not in management anymore.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2005-12-09 14:59:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:46:28 (#)
Ranking: 2

Her left hand clutched an enormous bacon roll which she seemed intent on cramming into her rotund face whole, crumbs mixed with saliva and globules of grease slopping down from her chin in the process. She had hitched up shirt her to expose her enormous and grotesque belly that'd been marbleised by a coat of stretch marks and was using the other hand to go about the serious business of removing the clumps of fluff and dirt that had gathered in her bellybutton in order to flick them absently onto my desk.
-----

nice image. ::pukes::

Submitted by punkerrjess at 2005-12-09 14:53:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I liked the first two, like this one, and can't wait for more.

Submitted by wardy at 2005-12-09 14:51:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

cool man. read my aryan nation post. it'll make you laugh. it'll make you cry. it just might make you pee a little bit in your pants so you have to sit at your desk for awhile wondering if anybody will notice the tiny small spot on your pants.

Submitted by GodChicken at 2005-12-09 14:51:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hahaha

Submitted by Spam at 2005-12-09 14:47:10 EST (#)
Rating: -2

wow, that's pretty fucking long. Sorry

A rather amusing thing I left out of this because of space/attentin span constraints was that I DID actually have a bad back. Ironically, The Wednesday and Thursday I spent sitting in my chair in front of my PC played fucking hell with my back and the examination and Doc's note were completly accurate and above board. In essence, I got sick because I skived off work.

Well, it made me chuckle at the time anyway.

Submitted by leilani at 2005-12-09 14:46:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Her left hand clutched an enormous bacon roll which she seemed intent on cramming into her rotund face whole, crumbs mixed with saliva and globules of grease slopping down from her chin in the process. She had hitched up shirt her to expose her enormous and grotesque belly that'd been marbleised by a coat of stretch marks and was using the other hand to go about the serious business of removing the clumps of fluff and dirt that had gathered in her bellybutton in order to flick them absently onto my desk.
-----

nice image. ::pukes::


It's okay, Marge. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too
much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those
tiny packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.

-- Homer Simpson
Lisa's Rival