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The Art of Getting Sacked - Day Two

Submitted by Spam at 2005-11-09 06:37:00 EST
Rating: 1.87 on 61 ratings (61 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Day One: http://www.ubersite.com/m/78574



So Day One didn't go so well. C'est la vie, you know? I'll just up the stakes a little.

But you see, the thing is - the real fucked up thing - is that I caught a glimpse of something as I strolled out of the office yesterday that stung a little, more than a little even. That thing I saw?

Resentment.

Only natural I guess - I was fucking the bosses about good and proper and I hadn't even got started yet. It's inevitable they'd get a little pissed at me over it.

The funny thing though, the thing that really got to me, was that it wasn't my two managers who's eye I caught as I exited but instead, it was Brenda and Tim, my two 'team-mates' and the only two people in this shit-hole that I had any kind of respect for.
And when I say 'any kind', I really mean 'a fucking lot'.

The repressed anger behind their eyes hurt all the more because they were smiling at me at the time, trying to reassure me that they, at least in some small measure, gained something from my victory.

The real fact of the matter was that they'd had to split my workload between them yesterday because I was too busy fucking about and in all likelihood, they'd have to do so again today. I fucking hated that.


I didn't think guilt would be part of the bargain when I decided to walk this path.



Tuesday
0800: The alarm.
I dunno why I set it so early, it's not like I needed too - I don't plan on going into work until at least after eleven today and had I just woken up whenever I wanted to, it would have made me more convincing when giving my purposefully lame excuse of "I overslept": The best lies being based on truths and all.

Old habits die hard I guess.

I knew deep down though, that it had nothing to do with habit, so I called Brenda at home to apologise and let her know that she would have to cover my work again for the morning. She's earned that much at least.


0933: Fiona Bruce.
I think to myself, as I sit and watch BBC News 24 of a morning when I should really be at work, that if I ever pull my finger out of my arse and write down a time-stamped synoptic account of this whole debacle, then this lady is classy enough to warrant her own mini-section.


1115: My not-so-dramatic entrance.
I'm WAAY over 2 hours late. I'm expecting the dead to rise, seas to boil, fire and brimstone raining down from the sky – gimme ALL that revelations bullshit.

Nothing.

No Big-Boss-lady, no Even-Bigger-Boss-Man, just 2 anxious faces and one smug one seated around the 4-man 'pod' of quadrilaterally arranged desks I share with Tim, Brenda and Ramona the tea-spillage girl from yesterday.


1117: All kinds of warnings.
"Where's Donna?" The first words I say to them, no good morning, no hello - A sign that I've become too single-minded in my quest for garden leave?

"You're in shit mate." It's Brenda, my team-mate who's 55 but looks about 30 and has a rack to die for that I actually feel more than a little uncomfortable being aware of, seeing as I kinda wish she was my mum and all. Her no-nonsense assessment of the day so far is one of the reasons I love her so much.

I grin, she knows the score – I WANT to be in shit. That's the aim of the game: Piss people off until they're willing to pay to get rid of me.

"No love, not like that – You're in Real Shit. Donna knows that you planned to come in late, she wants to see you in her office now."


Fuck.


1120: Another Meeting.

Wanna know why this is bad?

Were you paying attention yesterday when I told you about the fine line between Misdemeanours and Gross Misconduct?

Well if not, here's a fairly general example of the difference: Oversleeping and turning up 2 hours late? Misdemeanour (albeit a pretty big fucker). Waking up with plenty of time to spare but staying at home to watch TV instead as part of an overly-elaborate plot to secure garden leave and hence earn enough time to find another job whilst simultaneously being able to get drunk and high in the comfort of my own front room?
Gross misconduct, baby.


"It's not going to work."

Seems like somebody else is dispensing with the formalities today, Donna is showing an uncharacteristic lack of bullshit with her somewhat mysterious greeting.

"I'm sorry?"

I play dumb but inside is turmoil. I can guess from her tone that I've been grassed up.

Ramona.

"I said it's not going to work Sam - Don't think for a single second that we're going to give you garden leave if you keep this up - it doesn't work like that."

Pretending that I had no idea what she was talking about would be an insult to her intelligence.

"I'm sorry Donna, but I really have no idea what you're talking about."

"Okay then, why don't you tell me why you were late today intead?"

MAN this chick's an amateur. Even if I hadn't been tipped off already, I'd know by her supercilious tone that she was laying a trap for me – she knows somehow that I planned today's little foray into tardiness and she wants me to give her a lame excuse like 'stuck in traffic' so she can drop her witness on me like a two-tonne slab of concrete and drive me into the ground on charges of gross misconduct and thus, out of her nice little ordered life.

"Sorry, I had an interview."

It's been such a long time since I had to break out an emergency lie that I'm almost taken aback by the smoothness of my delivery.

But as I've said before, I guess old habits die hard.

"What?"

Thrown her.

"I had an interview at 0830 today that was scheduled to finish for 0900. I knew I'd be a little late but to be honest, I was hoping to blag you about that."

Take note novices - wanna get away with something big? Admit to something small and take the rap with a suitable look of repentance – most of the time, all your accuser really wants is to feel like they've caught you out, they're rarely that bothered about what you were actually doing at the time.

"Anyway," I continue, "As it turns out, the interview ran over, and I didn't feel it appropriate to ask to stop halfway through to use my phone to call in. I did however, call Brenda this morning in case she had to cover my work-load – I was just hoping that she wouldn't have to."

And I think that pretty much ties up all the lose ends there.

"Well regardless," Donna sighs, defeated. "We KNOW that you're looking for Garden Leave and I gotta tell ya, we're never going to give it to you Sam – not a chance. I guess you really only have two choices: Tow the line and stay here for your four weeks notice, or leave now before we sack you for gross misconduct."

She looks me right in the eye - no more games, she says to me silently.

"It's up to you if you stay here or not."

And she exits, leaving me alone in her office.


1200: Informant.
"She Grassed you up man", Tim whispers to me as he leans across his desk and towards mine. Anger seeps into his voice as he spits out his information.

"She wasn't even asked about it, she just overheard Brenda on the phone with you this morning, and when Donna came in, she just gave you up - just like that. The only reason I can think she'd do something like that is just to be a cunt."


1220: Motivation
Oh dear Ramona. Oh dear, oh dear. Your little Philby impression may have just clued the bosses into my plan and cost me all but a shred of a chance of getting Garden Leave but damn girl, you've just given me a whole NEW reason to work my out notice:

Plotting your demise.

I may have to leave in three and a half weeks but I'm sure as shit going to take you out with me.


It's ON, bitch.



It's on like Donkey Kong.








Who the hell is Fiona Bruce.JPG
Who the hell is Fiona Bruce.JPG


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Reviews


Submitted by Linus at 2008-08-17 13:50:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 Spam. I hope this works--goddamn thing took me an hour to write.

Submitted by Spam at 2005-12-09 14:48:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Method at 2005-12-03 15:40:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by alfakyle at 2005-12-03 15:35:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Pretending that I had no idea what she was talking about would be an insult to her intelligence.

"I'm sorry Donna, but I really have no idea what you're talking about."




GOLD!!!!

Submitted by bush_for_god at 2005-12-03 15:19:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

haha

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-11-16 12:04:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Soups on Bitches!!!

Submitted by Yes at 2005-11-10 17:49:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

YOU CAN DO IT!

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-11-10 17:37:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Your strange jargon mystifies me.

Submitted by RamJetMax at 2005-11-10 17:17:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

True or not, this is good.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2005-11-10 17:08:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

you'll enjoy your new quest more, anyways...

Submitted by One4TheRoad at 2005-11-10 12:37:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Take note novices - wanna get away with something big? Admit to something small and take the rap with a suitable look of repentance – most of the time, all your accuser really wants is to feel like they've caught you out, they're rarely that bothered about what you were actually doing at the time."

That, sir, is stellar advice. So much so, in fact, it's going into my "Big Book of Sage Advice" that I'm writing for my son.

I learned it myself from a really shitty '70's movie (or early '80's maybe) called "No Big Deal," starring Matt Dillon's little brother.

Submitted by boomslang at 2005-11-10 11:58:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 04:51:32 (#)
Ranking: 2

Hello?

Day Three called, he wants to know if his story is finished yet.

-----------------------------

seriously, it's noon over here now. What are you doing, the last three days work?

Submitted by Barnymeinhoff at 2005-11-10 04:52:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

When facing your enemy you must aim for their weakest point, through correct use of the Budda finger you will prevail!

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-11-10 04:51:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Hello?

Day Three called, he wants to know if his story is finished yet.

Submitted by missedthepoint at 2005-11-09 19:48:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Burn the fucking building down baby!

Submitted by GaidinCanuck at 2005-11-09 17:42:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Funny stuff... And don't feel bad about screwing your co-workers... It's all part of the game. If they had balls, they'd quit too.

Submitted by Mook at 2005-11-09 14:28:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Take note novices - wanna get away with something big? Admit to something small and take the rap with a suitable look of repentance - most of the time, all your accuser really wants is to feel like they've caught you out, they're rarely that bothered about what you were actually doing at the time."

that's called the bait 'n' switch. if i had a nickle for every time it worked on my parents, i'd be richer than bill gates

Submitted by MrHappyPants at 2005-11-09 14:05:08 EST (#)
Rating: 0


Submitted by Spam at 2005-11-09 12:28:25 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-11-09 12:18:01 (#)
Ranking: 2

Fokken A. Naai hulle in hul poepol in!
And stuff.

----

AHAHAHAHAH!!!

I'm so gutted we couldn't hook up this weekend dude.


Davros: after the day I've had today, there will definately be something to write about tomrorow but you all have to bear in mind that I don't really know where this series is going as technically it's kind of a blog - if I lose my balls halfway through this whole ordeal, then this series will come to an abrupt end.

Unless I just start to make stuff up, but I'm trying to keep this fairly truthful (hence it may seem anticlimatic at times but do remember: I am actually DOING these things).

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2005-11-09 12:26:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm digging this like a grave.

Submitted by Davros at 2005-11-09 12:22:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Whoses fucking number was it?

Thus far we have ruled out..

Me
Spam
Pock
Dervel
Apollo
Mikethescottish
Berty
Merlina
Phuzzy
Aderaterial


Was it Soley?

-Dave

Submitted by phuzzygish at 2005-11-09 12:18:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Fokken A. Naai hulle in hul poepol in!
And stuff.

Submitted by m0ke34 at 2005-11-09 12:16:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

aim higher. bankrupt the entire company. you'll make it up to the one remaining guy for whom you have any respect.

Submitted by Davros at 2005-11-09 11:46:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

More Tomorrow?

Please.

-Dave

Submitted by scourge at 2005-11-09 11:23:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Unexpected $5K raise for me = +2 for front page posts

This would have gotten one anyway.

Don't let on that you know she did it. Ask her out for drinks. Insert roofie. Leave coworker in alley sans pants.

Or, just slap the ever loving shit out of her.(probably not the best idea, but certainly the most satisfying)

Or spill tea on her again. After it takes a twenty minute ride in the microwave.

Submitted by Hadley at 2005-11-09 10:52:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Methinks Stin needs to talk to a fella who is bored at wurk....

Submitted by Stin at 2005-11-09 10:48:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Go Spam WOOOO!

Submitted by Hadley at 2005-11-09 10:31:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-09 09:23:44 (#)
Ranking: 2

Start a vicious rumor about the STD's she gave you.

or

Find out her phone # and do the whole "for a good time call" thing in the nastiest bars in town. Or the gay bars cause them bitches get possesive.
----
Or, for a full week, let the air out of her tires. I mean, really, who has flat tires every day for a week?

Submitted by Fabit at 2005-11-09 10:29:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Way to go for old lady love Spamwise.

I don't think you're going to get Garden leave. I'd ask for patio leave. Start small eh?

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-11-09 10:27:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i dont know but ive been told

eskimo pussy is mighty cold.

Submitted by DeathJester at 2005-11-09 09:55:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-11-09 09:27:08 (#)
Ranking: 2

I'm liking this series

------------------

Hmmmm good.

Feels good.

Tastes good.

Mighty good.

Good for you.

Good for me.

Submitted by Ainkara at 2005-11-09 09:27:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm liking this series

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-11-09 09:26:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

keep it up!

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2005-11-09 09:23:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Start a vicious rumor about the STD's she gave you.

or

Find out her phone # and do the whole "for a good time call" thing in the nastiest bars in town. Or the gay bars cause them bitches get possesive.

Submitted by missflibble at 2005-11-09 09:21:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm lucky, I got signed off sick for my month's notice.
mwahaha.
if I'd been there under a year I'd have needed to give 1 week notice rather than a month. oh well. no skin off my nose, just meant my doctor writing a different word on the little slip of paper.
i kinda miss my job, but know there was no way i could still do it.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-11-09 09:10:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

1 month notice is standard here in the UK. You don't have to work it though.

Submitted by Spam at 2005-11-09 09:02:32 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:55:55 (#)
Ranking: 2

FOUR WEEKS? I only worked a two week notice at my last job and it was a long ass two weeks. Why did you give a four week notice?

I feel like I missed something here anyway, what happened to make you quit?

--

Spurious disciplinary. I've purposefully left out the finer points of it, but if you really want the details, they are on reviews throughout my last 3 or 4 posts.

Submitted by loki at 2005-11-09 08:55:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

FOUR WEEKS? I only worked a two week notice at my last job and it was a long ass two weeks. Why did you give a four week notice?

I feel like I missed something here anyway, what happened to make you quit?

Submitted by youarewrong at 2005-11-09 08:52:56 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Fiona Bruce = instant +1.

Stuck up bit of totty of the highest order.

I know for a fact that she can only achieve an orgasm by getting gang fucked in her glorious arse hole. Tis true. She told me one night whilst I was masterbating over my hundreds of betamax videotapes of the BBC News.

Submitted by Spam at 2005-11-09 08:44:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-09 08:33:01 (#)
Ranking: 2

how fucking anticlimatic.

--

We're not do yet Rad. Not by a long way.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-11-09 08:33:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

how fucking anticlimatic.


Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky at 2005-11-09 08:21:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ghola at 2005-11-09 08:18:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

fucking yea man.

Submitted by sinna at 2005-11-09 08:06:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Take the bitch down.

Submitted by CHR15 at 2005-11-09 08:03:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Start by spitting in her drinks.

Submitted by LadyPlural at 2005-11-09 07:50:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Fight the good fight!

Submitted by thecaes at 2005-11-09 07:34:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Nice ending. I await with eager anticipation.

Submitted by williamson at 2005-11-09 07:32:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yeah... Good luck with all that.

Submitted by indoninja at 2005-11-09 07:28:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

If I was brenda I would have sold you out as well, but I would have done it much better.


You are fucking them over too, if you were screwing with my work load I wouldn't want to help you get garden leave.

But this still cracked me up.

Submitted by Spam at 2005-11-09 07:26:09 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Berty: I trained them both up about a year ago and then had to carry the team for a few months whilst they learnt the ropes - we're a really tight group.

Submitted by Dervel at 2005-11-09 07:20:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I like these.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2005-11-09 07:15:47 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Sucks that you were ratted out, and that so early. I look forward to the next installment of Spam: The Serial Slacker.

They won't let you post to uber while you're awaiting arraignment, but short of that: Go Speed Racer, Go!

Submitted by Berty at 2005-11-09 07:15:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-11-09 07:01:19 (#)
Ranking: 2

2 and a half years.
---------
Makes you think doesn't it?

Have you been with Brenda and wossname all that time?

Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey at 2005-11-09 07:09:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

are you sure she's not a member of ubersite?

>looks around nervously<

I mean that could ruin all of your plans

Submitted by Spam at 2005-11-09 07:01:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

2 and a half years.

Submitted by ozzy at 2005-11-09 07:01:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yeah this is bloggish, but I don't give a fuck. It's entertaining.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-11-09 06:58:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

How long have you been working at that place Spam?

Submitted by Soley_Trinity at 2005-11-09 06:52:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

They'll all miss the way you run your fingers through your hair.

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2005-11-09 06:47:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Moonwalk all around your office!

Moonwalk everywhere!

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2005-11-09 06:47:33 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I know I've hit the 'rank' button - but my review hasn't appeared. Annoying.

Ruin her. She's endangered all of your careful work.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-11-09 06:44:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Do you remember that film Shallow Grave? It all starts out relativly light hearted fare as the flat mates hide the money and stuff but it all goes crazy.

This is like that.


Homer: We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a
bucket of fish heads once a week.

Marge: It saved out marriage!

Treehouse of Horror VII