British Uberers (one T): Bow down to your new rulerSubmitted by Spam at 2005-10-31 11:15:40 EST
Rating: 1.71 on 31 ratings (31 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
REF - http://www.ubersite.com/m/77777
And so, the voting ends and with it, so do our fears of chaotic leaderless existence.
It was a close fought contest, the three main candidates remaining after the initial elimination round all coming from wildly different backgrounds with their own varying strategies and manifestos but in the end, there could be only one.
The results in reverse order:
Nath (w_g_a_y_l_o_r_d): 5 votes
Clearly overcome with a sense of smug self-satisfaction after getting on B@W for the seventeenth time, newbie Nath stepped up to the podium to unleash the wonder of his public orations on an unsuspecting, and largely uninterested British Uber public. Going the Tony Blair route and wheedling votes and support from his cronies appeared to work for him initially, and with an endorsement from the apostate Apollo88 himself, an early steamroller victory seemed likely. Later however, after a vitriolic speech by his fascist second in command the dark lord Fabit coupled with rumors that he was hiding WMD’s in his beard, the public got wise to this poorly groomed false prophet and he quickly lost the support of the cagey elder Uberers who had waited patiently before casting their votes. When asked how he felt about coming last in an internet popularity contest, a dejected Nath merely shrugged sadly and announced that ‘he didn’t fucking care about the group of geeky cunts anyway’. Despite this bravado however, our photographer captured this telling shot of Nath at home wallowing in self pity after a self-destructive bout of binge drinking - http://www.channel4sales.com/programming-and-schedules/images/bears-tail.jpg
Dervel: 5 ½ votes
A good showing from early favorite and ladies man Dervel, who used his own special brand of animalistic charm and quasi-wit to woo the impressionable female population of Uber into voting for him. After a promising start however, the political gigolo lost his way slightly after waging a bitter war of words with his joint rival and jilted lover, the miniscule Pock Hobbert. Scathing e-mail correspondence burned through the airwaves as these two former sweethearts got stuck into each other in the most manly way possibly - Branding each other gay. Clearly on the losing end of the exchange as discovered after these mails were leaked out, Dervel quickly lost popularity as his once loyal supporters turned to Hobbert for guidance. In the end, Dervel had to make do with a close second, a fact that didn’t seem to go down too well when he informed his somewhat over-bearing father - http://ironikubrick.free.fr/img/fmj/fmj-09.jpg
Pock Hobbert: Withdrew
An absolute shocker for Uber’s diminutive Pock who joined the campaign late and instantly went about making up for this by sending out some downright brilliant press releases. After winning the murky war of words with former bum-buddy Dervel, it seemed at one point that nothing could stop this plucky oompah-lumpah reject from taking the over reins of leadership from the exiled walking cranium Apollo88. Then, when victory was practically all wrapped up, disaster struck, A FOURTH candidate stepped from the shadows and pock, in a state of abject terror, immediately withdrew from the election to back this mystery competitor like the sissy girl he is. http://www.campbeltown.info/images/of%20week/mohican.jpg
Which brings me to the announcement.
The winner of this election… and NEW Supreme Ruler of The British Coalition (and Rad)
In an unprecedented series of events, Dave's Majestic Gut sweeps the voting after only being eligible for votes for around 20 minutes. Clearly a political genius, Dave’s belly of justice set about winning this election before it was even announced, infecting the useless sack of flesh he was attached to weeks ago in order to secure a few weeks off work sick so that he would have internet access at the required time. Then, during the early stages of the election, when all else were caught in a frenzy of sycophantic vote grabbing, The drug-bloated and ulcerated Belly waited patiently until the 11th hour where it blobelled forth from the sidelines and announced with a bassy gurgle that it would be standing and all should bow before him lest they be crushed by it’s more than ample mass. Stricken by a primal fear and not wanting to incur the vengeful wrath of this gastronomic titan, voters were soon queuing to support the belly and when, in a genius masterstroke, Wondergut overthrew rival Pock and digested all of his votes to finally win the competition.
And so begins the dawn of a new era, will it be a golden age, or will we suffer under cruel tyranny as we have done in the past? Only time will tell, and the public waits anxiously to see what their new leader will do next.
All Hail The Majestic Gut.JPG