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Blood and Buttsecks

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-09-06 02:38:04 EDT
Rating: 1.0 on 11 ratings (11 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

So I went to Home Depot today to get some air filters for the vents in the house. While I was there, I noticed the big Red Cross bus. They were having a blood drive. This is where they take your blood out of you and offer it to the Gods, soak you in it and dance around you chanting and speaking in tongues and having sex...I think. I've never donated before. But it's certainly a party I don't want to miss so I decided to register.

I went inside to scribble on a sign in sheet and they gave me a little sticker with a number on it and sent me out to wait. The line was pretty long. A few cigarettes and a pee break later, and they were calling my number. I went in and they stuck me in a room. I use the term 'room' lightly. It's like the bathroom in an airplane. I waited a bit longer, on the brink of clausterphobic rage, and in walked some lady. She took my ID and asked me questions about my current address, SS# DOB etc. Once she got it all, she printed out a form that had all my info on it along with about 30 questions. I went out of the bus to fill out the questionnaire.

There's a table out there that has a blue shield for you to use for privacy...like a big blue book standing up and open. It's not so bad. I certainly don't trade my sex for cash or drugs or use needles to inject non-perscription drugs so my need for privacy wasn't as strong as some people's I'd guess. Course I didn't see many junkie prostitutes out there trying to donate but whatever. maybe they got there early in the morning...you know those junkie prostitutes, all up at the crack of dawn and shit. I digress.

The crowd out there waiting to donate was growing by the minute. I barely paid attention, focused on filling this shit out so I could get done. Then a man approached me and asked me what my number was. I mentioned that I was already in and they kicked me out because they don't take Asians. He wasn't asian or anything (neither am I for that matter) but I was in a strange mood. He gave me the strangest look and backed away from me. And it was about this time that I noticed an older woman standing behind me looking over my shoulder at the questionnaire. I glanced at her and then went back to my questions...

Were you yourself a member of the military from 1980 to 1996?

Were you a dependant of someone who was in the military from 1980 to 1996?

Do you feel guilty when you masterbate? Do you cry?

Have you, in the last 12 months, had anal sex or sexual contact with anyone that has had anal sex?

and then I could feel the lady's breath on my neck. I turned my head to the left and her nose was practically in my eye. She wasn't making any move to hide her peeping. She was fully confident in her right to look over my shoulder and peruse my answers to questions about sex and drugs. Personal shit.

I said to her, "Hey...I had buttsex while injecting myself with meth amphetamines this morning. Do you think they'll still let me donate or should I lie?"

she got the idea and left.

The first question on the form was "Do you feel healthy and alert today?"

I was hungover. I had a pounding headache. And I thought I was suffering from allergies from mowing the lawn the other day and dusting the house yesterday. I've been sneezing constantly for a day and a half now. I filled out the "no" answer.

I finished the questions and returned to the bus. The people out there were pissed and asked me what my number was and "How do you know it's your turn? You can't just walk in there!" and many comments on this being 'ridiculous' and 'we've been here for an hour now!' and stuff. I ignored it all. I'd been there for an hour and a half by that point but I knew the entire time I could hop in my car and drive home. I didn't HAVE to be there. I wasn't going to lose sleep over it tonight if I didn't donate. I went in and sat down in another airplane bathroom and the lady looked over my answers.

"Not feeling good today?"

"No...I think I'm having allergy problems or something but I'm all stuffed up."

"Could you be coming down with something like a cold?"

"I suppose that's a possibility..."

"You shouldn't donate today."

shit. bummer. no blood-drenched orgy fest for me. damn! I got out of the bus and snatched a glazed doughnut anyway.

Review This Item




Submitted by Unabonger at 2009-06-22 16:01:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I saw this on MRR and thought a post with this title had to contain a wealth of awesomeness inside.

then I saw it was my post and I was right.


Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge at 2009-06-22 15:36:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by pannerplant at 2007-01-06 08:40:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2005-09-12 08:25:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

UberGrams 1st Place Award. You earned it.

Submitted by Donitsu2002 at 2005-09-06 07:37:45 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

loved it

Submitted by badassmofo at 2005-09-06 07:29:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I guess I'll spare you then, the conversation I had with the intake lady at Red Cross concerning the 'have you ever paid with drugs or money for sex' question. I mean technically speaking since I am married I pay for it everytime.

Submitted by Barnymeinhoff at 2005-09-06 05:15:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Boon at 2005-09-06 04:44:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Average_Dan at 2005-09-06 03:46:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'll read it later...

Submitted by williamson at 2005-09-06 03:30:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I tried to donate blood last week.

I entered a Red Cross place and realised it was just a clothes shop that raised funds, not blood, for the Red Cross.

So i left.

And had buttsex while injecting myself with meth amphetamines.

Submitted by comrad at 2005-09-06 03:19:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

That was...interesting.

Woman: Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very
valuable stone gargoyle, and -- Are you wearing a grocery bag?

Homer: I have misplaced my pants.

Bart After Dark