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Men and Their Secret Treasures

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-08-26 03:27:50 EDT
Rating: 1.84 on 56 ratings (56 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Male friends are like dopey brothers. They talk about anything and everything with you. You’re seen as an asexual squakbox with tits. You become the confessional. You hear about breakups and affairs—questions of etiquette and proper gifts. It’s almost endless.

I never have the heart to turn one of these guys away, though. Despite how ridiculous it is. I mean, they know about my failures in my personal life and my list of problems. What makes them think I could give them good advice? It’s like seeking out Mike Tyson’s council in order to find a cure for your speech impediment. It’s like sticking a finger up your nose to see if you’d like a dick in your ass. It’s nuts.

But what really kills me is when they think I’m a freaking doctor. They ask me what crabs feels like—about how their dick hurts when they pee and what they should do about it.

“I’m not sure, Chuck. You could start by washing your balls every week or so…or at least when the smell starts to waft up to your face.”

Of course, I keep those comments to myself. I shrug and shake my head. I say, “See the doc,” and walk away as fast as I can. That usually works, but every now and then, I get a strange case. Like a couple years ago.

I went to a party for a friend of mine named, Jesse. He graduated from college and wanted to wig out. His buds were more than willing to set it up, and I was willing to go for the free booze and promise of ham. I’m a sucker for ham.

When I got there, Jesse was already at the point of no return. He had a lampshade upside-down over his head, like those cones they put on dogs to keep from chewing their stitches. He had some cuts up and down his right arm so I was sure the lampshade was prescribed. Then my other friend Bill came up to me and told me what happened. Apparently, Jesse had gone skateboarding with his new chapeau and smacked against a brick wall.

“You let him skateboard like that?” I asked.

“Sure.” Bill shrugged. “He was sober, then.”

As I mingled, Jesse eventually disappeared into another room. I thought he had passed out until he returned an hour later. He wasn’t wearing the lampshade anymore, but was still bombed. He was walking with Bill and the pair of them were laughing at some anonymous joke. Bill was practical beside himself. When he passed me, he grabbed Jesse’s shoulder and yanked him over. “Ally, you…” he started laughing again.

“What?”

He looked at Jesse who was wobbling. Jesse returned the look and passed one of those “maybe we shouldn’t” expressions, but soon lost it with a “come on!” from Bill. Jesse giggled and said ok, and then Bill grabbed my arm and led the both of us into the bathroom.

“Ok, show her.”

Jesse got this weird smile on his face and started unbuttoning his pants.

“Let me out.”

“No way.” Bill stood between the door and me. “You’ll never forgive yourself if you miss this one.”

I turned back to Jesse and he had already dropped his boxers. He stood naked from the waste down. Bill now let out the loudest snort I had ever heard and he fell to the ground clutching himself. In the shock of it all, I hadn’t noticed why. I should have. It was very apparent.

One of Jesse’s nuts was the size of a grapefruit.

He stood beaming as if he just won first prize in the county fair. If he had enetered, he probably would have.

I shook my head. It was still there—stretched like a water balloon at breaking point. “What the fuck is that!”

Bill broke through his laughter. “It’s his nut!”

“How the fuck did that happen?”

Bill laughed again. “That’s the funniest part. He doesn’t know. It’s been like that for a week and he didn’t think it was a big deal.”

Jesse smiled again—the blue ribbon winner.

I pulled my eyes off it. Unconsciously I had been staring at it the entire time. “Go see a fucking doctor.” I said. “Jesus Christ, Jesse.”

He slurred. “Candy didn’t think it was anything to worry about?”

I turned to the idiot on the floor. “Fuck, Bill. How many people are you showing him to?”

“You, Candy…CNN.” He stood back up. “Shit this funny should have its own website.”

“I’m not joking, Bill. He needs to see a doctor.”

“He will—just as soon as I get a photographer and some people from the press.” He looked at the shower like he could see an imaginary vista in the distance. “I’m thinking about getting a backdrop that shows a Spanish Sunset…maybe a vineyard in France. This is a European nut”

Jesse sniggered. “That’s right. He’s ‘Frederick de Balzac!’”

Bill fell apart again.

“Let me out of here, you asshole.” He walked away from the door and I slid out. After Bill had separated from him, I pulled Jesse in a corner and suggested how immediate his problem was. Jesse promised to see a doctor and did. Turned out he had an infection and after a pound of antibiotics and a session in Willy Wonka’s Juicing room, he got it back to normal size. Bill is still very depressed about it.













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Reviews


Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2007-09-05 15:10:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by boomslang at 2005-12-01 11:43:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by cham0159 at 2005-09-12 22:58:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Whiplash at 2005-08-31 21:45:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Saxon at 2005-08-31 21:26:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Not sure how ive missed your posts before. You really are funny, i like your style. Its refreshing to see new female talent on this site. Do as Cookie suggested and you will rate better.

I also completely understand what you mean about reading in your mind. i do it too.

I look forward to more stuff from you.


Submitted by ghola at 2005-08-31 20:40:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by spamtrap50 at 2005-08-29 15:54:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ally, every time I read your stuff I end up laughing my ass off (except this time when I was laughing and cringing) - keep it up!!!

Submitted by CookieLass at 2005-08-26 19:40:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Nah, Ally. You're solid. I'm just a grammar nazi, and I hate to see a strong piece screwed by spelling. I do it in my own posts, and I wouldn't be upset if someone pointed it out.

You're good. I don't hate you.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-08-26 19:21:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Haha, I just did it in that review.

"reading and rereading"

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-08-26 19:15:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-08-26 18:31:32 (#)
Ranking: 1

Okay, Ally... this would have been a +2 but for one thing... proofread. Do what just about everyone on Uber does, and write your story in MS Word first, then cut and paste to the submit box. Because honestly... the grammar and spelling were beyond dodgy through the whole thing. Other than that? Solid and good. Actually, solid and very very good.

_________________________________________________________________

Haha, I did write it in MS Word. It will pick up the occasional sentance fragment or two (which are usually intentional), and chastise me for my passive sentances, but I rarely see much beyond that.

As for spelling and word usage, well, that just comes down to knowing the words by heart. After writing and rereading my work 20 times or so, I start to read from my mind...if that makes any sense. I'll follow along on the page, but if a word is mispelt or missing, my eyes just scan over it and refer to the memory in my head. I can read: "...and he *** down to the drugstore" 50 times and think that "went" is written there every single time. The same goes for "wastes" where I meant "waist" and so on...

If you saw anything that bothered you feel free to be explicit...subject/verb agreements...whether I maintain the same tense throughout...whatever.

I have skin like bull!

:)




Submitted by CookieLass at 2005-08-26 18:31:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Okay, Ally... this would have been a +2 but for one thing... proofread. Do what just about everyone on Uber does, and write your story in MS Word first, then cut and paste to the submit box. Because honestly... the grammar and spelling were beyond dodgy through the whole thing. Other than that? Solid and good. Actually, solid and very very good.

Submitted by Crystle at 2005-08-26 18:14:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good for a giggle

Submitted by JonnyX at 2005-08-26 16:44:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ok, this was stupic, but 'Balzac'?

Oh, you witty wench you! You're a regular Oscar Wilde, aint'ya?

Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart at 2005-08-26 15:47:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Teephphah at 2005-08-26 13:29:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Great.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2005-08-26 13:18:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

sick

Submitted by sideshow at 2005-08-26 12:43:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I hope my nut never reasembles anything other than a walnut.

Submitted by Hadley at 2005-08-26 12:41:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Something about this didn't sit right, and for the life of me I can't figure out what it is. All I know is that it's keeping me from giving a +2. sorry.

Submitted by Circe at 2005-08-26 12:30:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I love you. Be my friend.

I'm so lonely.

Submitted by Foonbo at 2005-08-26 12:23:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

good work.

Submitted by miss_tila at 2005-08-26 12:20:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-08-26 11:04:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Never a disappointment.


Submitted by papaya_princess at 2005-08-26 10:07:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ajanssen at 2005-08-26 10:00:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ally, from the bottom of my black, moldy heart I love you.

Submitted by thecaes at 2005-08-26 09:33:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ally, you're fun times.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2005-08-26 09:28:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Needs more Shlongy!

Submitted by NotSteve at 2005-08-26 09:10:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Male friends are like dopey brothers. They talk about anything and everything with you. You're seen as an asexual squakbox with tits. You become the confessional. You hear about breakups and affairs—questions of etiquette and proper gifts. It's almost endless

---------------
I do this with a fat chick I don't want to nail.

Submitted by goose at 2005-08-26 08:57:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"It's like sticking a finger up your nose to see if you'd like a dick in your ass."

Time for a new coffee....

Submitted by stardamage at 2005-08-26 08:54:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Plus fucking two!

Submitted by Merlina at 2005-08-26 06:21:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Turned out he had an infection and after a pound of antibiotics and a session in Willy Wonka's Juicing room

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HA HA HA HA HA HA

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-26 06:14:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-08-26 05:45:17 (#)
Ranking: 1

No Comment

-------------------------


WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

HE DID THIS TO THIS POST YESTERDAY http://www.ubersite.com/m/73886

AND LEFT NO COMMENT, BUT HE'LL FUCK UP MY CHANCES AT BEST EVER?



*blows head off*

Submitted by Berty at 2005-08-26 05:56:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-08-26 05:15:50 (#)
Ranking: 2

This was class. With a capital C.
On a completely unrelated note, Guinness makes you shit like a machine gun.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can burn that poo as a substitute for coal. It's really good shit.

Submitted by Barnymeinhoff at 2005-08-26 05:45:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by ozzy at 2005-08-26 05:15:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was class. With a capital C.
On a completely unrelated note, Guinness makes you shit like a machine gun.

Submitted by Avals at 2005-08-26 05:03:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

WOO GHEY MENZ?

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-08-26 04:45:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Rad: "In conclusion, perhaps the jizzum found on sunshine bear was meant for you."

HAHAHAHAHAHA. You're awesome.

I have had the odd flirtation from a couple of guy friends, and I have flirted back, but generally I try to keep my social life all square and even without too many gray areas.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-26 04:39:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh, I have no clue as to your physical appearance, and make no judgements in that respect; however, I have found in my life that all males of this species will at some point try to fuck their female "friends" with no regard to:

1. The validity/stregnth of their relationship
2. Her physical appearance
3. if she is overtly willing to reciprocate

In conclusion, perhaps the jizzum found on sunshine bear was meant for you.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-08-26 04:38:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Yep. Shit.

Jeanneee was right (see # 10)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/73912

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-08-26 04:35:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-26 04:26:05 (#)
Ranking: 2

Well here's the thing, when these fellas go to their mates with a problem they take pictures and laugh. When they go to you you give them actual advice. Besides, you love it.

----------------------------------------------------------

Well, admittedly, there is a certain appeal--call it a morbid one--in knowing the sordid details of someone's crazy life. But in my defence, I never seek them out.

Well...almost never.





haha, and rad...if i had to pick one i'd say that that those guys are loaded when they talk to me, though with all modesty, i'd give my face some points. :)


Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-08-26 04:33:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

waist not waste though....

Submitted by Berty at 2005-08-26 04:26:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Well here's the thing, when these fellas go to their mates with a problem they take pictures and laugh. When they go to you you give them actual advice. Besides, you love it.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-26 04:25:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

furthermore

I call SHENANIGANS

everyone knows skaters cannot finish university.

Submitted by vexx at 2005-08-26 04:16:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Boy, I'd really like to chew on my crotch right now.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-26 04:15:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Perhaps they look at your face when they talk to you,

or they are blind drunk most of the time?


Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-08-26 04:11:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-26 04:03:21 (#)
Ranking: 2

things with tits are not asexual.

therefore, they are just not able to see your tits.

---------------------------------------------------------

Oh. Snap!

Haha, don't worry they're there. Two of them, even.

Submitted by coley at 2005-08-26 04:05:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

yknow these boys are lucky to have a squawkbox like you cause
you can torque a testicle and cut off the blood
supply and it can die and then you have to have it removed and then
you are unitesticular

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-26 04:03:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

things with tits are not asexual.

therefore, they are just not able to see your tits.

Submitted by ajanssen at 2005-08-26 04:03:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The "friend" level is a terrible one to break out of.

Submitted by williamson at 2005-08-26 04:02:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

No fucking way would I risk potential longterm harm to my balls and not go to a doctor.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-08-26 04:01:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-26 03:53:29 (#)
Ranking: 2

I don't see you as an asexual squawkbox with tits. No, i see you as a Muslim male mostly between the age of 17 to 40.

____________________________________________________________________

Shoot. I got to stop adding those hidden messages that praise allah and rogaine.

:)

Submitted by GodChicken at 2005-08-26 03:57:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Har har. Stuck in the "Friend zone"


Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-08-26 03:56:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I thought they were gonna rape you in the bathroom. It was much more pleasant to read that they didn't.

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2005-08-26 03:53:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I don't see you as an asexual squawkbox with tits. No, i see you as a Muslim male mostly between the age of 17 to 40.

Submitted by wileyfinger at 2005-08-26 03:51:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

yea that made me cringe a little, but funny none the less

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-08-26 03:49:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Frederick de Balzac

------

Don't you mean Honré de Balzac?

Or should I say Horny de Balzac?

Either way, the fucker needs to learn the art of masterbation. I could teach him...




















...but I won't.

Submitted by matchoo at 2005-08-26 03:40:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this is great. you have an ease of writing that is a pleasure to read.


Homer: The secret ingredient is --

Moe: Homer, no!

Homer: Cough syrup! Nothing but plain, ordinary, over-the-counter
children's cough syrup!

Flaming Moe's