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Constantine

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-08-23 00:01:49 EDT
Rating: 1.5 on 28 ratings (28 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

When I'm lying on my death bed gasping for my last breath my last thoughts may be on the love I've experienced. They may fall upon the things I've accomplished in life. Probably they will rest upon the things I didn't do with my meager existence. When that happens, I'll want the two hours I spent on watching this atrocity back. What I could have done with those two hours. I could have spent it rubbing my penis thinking about raping someone's grandmother. I could have spent it shoving M-40s in my ass. I could have spent it drinking bleach. Whatever I could have possibly spent that time on, it would have been 48975 times better than watching this piece of shit.

It's like Keanu's head is being dunked in the lake of acting and, when we stick that hose up his ass and try to suck more skill out of him, we're only getting the mud from the bottom.

I'd rather put my peener in a pencil sharpener than watch him do another movie other than a Bill & Ted III and I think Alex Winter died of a Liquid Television overdose years ago.

Poor Rachel Weis. At the end of the movie it was like they were about to kiss but then Keanu realized that, in her contract, she negotiated a "I'm not kissing that fucking retard" clause...

And what the shit was with him chewing gum at the end of the movie?? Fuck you, pussy. Smoke another cigarette and eb yourself closer to the death we're all thinking about when we smile ourselves to sleep.

Keanu, if your next movie sucks scrotem puss like this one did, I have a quick fix for you, pal:

3 parts gasoline
1 part Keanu
2 parts flame

mix and pour over a chilled, 6-foot hole in the ground.

enjoy.



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Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2007-06-17 22:00:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Fatterrific at 2007-06-17 20:59:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"I could have spent it rubbing my penis thinking about raping someone's grandmother."

This sentence alone warrants a +2.

Submitted by Unabonger at 2007-06-17 17:57:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

indeed.

Submitted by ICO at 2007-06-17 17:37:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-06-17 17:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1

http://www.ubersite.com/m/73713

linkwhore.

Submitted by lungfish at 2007-06-17 17:23:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I hated that movie.

Submitted by pannerplant at 2007-01-06 08:43:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-08-23 13:08:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

yeah. damned good actor but they'd have to dye his 5:00 shadow.

Submitted by Teephphah at 2005-08-23 11:58:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Jean Reno could pull off the cajun accent probably, but yeah, I think he's waaaaay too old.

Maybe not though, he was "The Professional" right?

Submitted by Mike00295 at 2005-08-23 11:42:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

To begin...that movie sucked ass buckets.

There was one point towards the end, where the female character says something like, "I have something for you" or something along those lines, then she pauses for just long enough for this guy sitting behind us to say out loud "I hope its a refund, this movie blows."

Shit was hilarious.

But the movie eats turds.

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-08-23 11:17:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Jean Reno as Gambit.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000606/

only person I'd suggest but maybe he's too old.

Submitted by AJ at 2005-08-23 11:12:12 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Movie sucked but so did this post.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2005-08-23 11:06:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Besides, I'm afraid that no living actor will be able to be cool enough to really BE Gambit
-----------

Dude, I think Jude Law.









I'M FUCKING KIDDING!
JESUS CHRIST, PUT DOWN THE KNIFE!

Submitted by Sassmasterr at 2005-08-23 10:49:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i was about to pick that movie up.

nice save.

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-08-23 10:20:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

In X2 when they were showing the list of 'registered mutants', it had Remy's name on it.

I'm dying to see him...I hope he's in the next one.

and what the shit was with the ship getting tossed with a couple of missiles in the second one?? I mean yes the planes were badass F20 raptors but we're talking alien technology here...Shiar plane should have been much better than that.

And you'll never hear me trash Howard the Duck...you asshole.

Submitted by Teephphah at 2005-08-23 10:12:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

BUT DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT CONTINUITY?!!!!!! If you have Gambit, you CAN'T (or, at least SHOULDN'T) be able to have Dark Pheonix too.

I know, I know, the continuity is already fucked to all hell with Rogue and Bobby Drake being a) teenagers; and b) in luuuuuuuv, but still. . .

While we're at it, why not bitch about not seeing more of Colosus? Or, how about giving us a little bit of Emma Frost (preferably WITH stockings and garter belts), Kitty Pryde, Ms. Marvel/Carol Danvers (let Rogue steal her powers for good!), Mystique, Forge, Juggernaut, DEADPOOL, Cable, (any members of X-Factor), the StarJammers, the Shiar, Galactus, Mephisto, Bishop, Marrow, Calisto and/or the Morlocks, Apocalypse (or maybe an AoA movie!!! - BLINK!), the Shadow King, Sebastion Shaw and/or the Hellfire Club, Longshot, Alpha Flight, or the thousands of characters I'm not even thinking about.

There is sooooooo much material there, and I think ANY of it could make a kickass movie.

I love me some Remy LeBeau, but I'll be okay without him. (Besides, I'm afraid that no living actor will be able to be cool enough to really BE Gambit - Hugh Jackman gets MAJOR props for being able to pull off Wolverine, by the way).

Submitted by kaos-king at 2005-08-23 09:47:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I thought the movie kicked ass, but your review was funny as everyone else said...

Submitted by forthewin at 2005-08-23 09:46:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"And if they still don't include Gambit in X3 (which they haven't) it's going to be one hell of a hissy fit from me they'll need to calm down."

I know, man. Where the hell is Gambit?

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-08-23 09:23:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

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Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-23 08:53:04 (#)
Ranking: 2

Wow. Let's see, the movie came out in theatres back in February. Came to DVD almost a month ago. Boy, this is really timely. Glad you're right there with your finger on the pulse to let us all know what's going down on the cutting edge. Thanks man, we owe you.

<deep breaths>

Okay. This was still pretty funny. But if you EVER dis another geeky comic book movie*, I will hunt you down and kill you.

Thank you for your contribution.

*Exceptions: The Punisher (Dolf Lundgren); The Hulk; Fantastic Four; Hellboy; Lady Death; Howard the Duck; and Electra. These "movies" may be mocked with impunity.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Agree with the comic book geek bit. I will help him and hold his ass while he does it to you.

And don't forget to include Daredevil. They ruined what was one of my favourite characters in history.

And Batman Forever/And Robin.

And if they still don't include Gambit in X3 (which they haven't) it's going to be one hell of a hissy fit from me they'll need to calm down.

Bastards

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2005-08-23 09:19:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-08-23 08:25:39 (#)
Ranking: 2

I quite enjoyed the film but this rant was fuckin funny so have a plus2

Submitted by Teephphah at 2005-08-23 08:53:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Wow. Let's see, the movie came out in theatres back in February. Came to DVD almost a month ago. Boy, this is really timely. Glad you're right there with your finger on the pulse to let us all know what's going down on the cutting edge. Thanks man, we owe you.

<deep breaths>

Okay. This was still pretty funny. But if you EVER dis another geeky comic book movie*, I will hunt you down and kill you.

Thank you for your contribution.

*Exceptions: The Punisher (Dolf Lundgren); The Hulk; Fantastic Four; Hellboy; Lady Death; Howard the Duck; and Electra. These "movies" may be mocked with impunity.


Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-08-23 08:25:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I quite enjoyed the film but this rant was fuckin funny so have a plus2

Submitted by anhhaodinh at 2005-08-23 08:06:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

garsh i sooooo wanted to give this a -2 as revenge. but i couldnt. u got me on the "shoving m-40s in my ass" damn you and your hilarious disgustingness! damn it all. o and i refuse to give you a +2 because it didnt bad mouth that american idol fag like i thought u would. harhar he fell!

Submitted by supadupapupa at 2005-08-23 03:51:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Beautiful

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-08-23 03:51:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I disagree, but the post was well written. I enjoyed the film a lot.

Submitted by Saxon at 2005-08-23 02:48:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yup i wanted my money back too.

Submitted by shitfuck at 2005-08-23 02:08:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


You have a good point: it sucked.

Submitted by thecaes at 2005-08-23 01:24:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was gonna be a +1 until this line:

"Poor Rachel Weis. At the end of the movie it was like they were about to kiss but then Keanu realized that, in her contract, she negotiated a "I'm not kissing that fucking retard" clause..."

Constantine could have been such an amazing movie.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-23 01:17:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with
family, religion, community service. But those were all dead ends. I
think this chair is the answer.

-- Homer Simpson
Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?