ConstantineSubmitted by Unabonger at 2005-08-23 00:01:49 EDT
Rating: 1.5 on 28 ratings (28 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
When I'm lying on my death bed gasping for my last breath my last thoughts may be on the love I've experienced. They may fall upon the things I've accomplished in life. Probably they will rest upon the things I didn't do with my meager existence. When that happens, I'll want the two hours I spent on watching this atrocity back. What I could have done with those two hours. I could have spent it rubbing my penis thinking about raping someone's grandmother. I could have spent it shoving M-40s in my ass. I could have spent it drinking bleach. Whatever I could have possibly spent that time on, it would have been 48975 times better than watching this piece of shit.
It's like Keanu's head is being dunked in the lake of acting and, when we stick that hose up his ass and try to suck more skill out of him, we're only getting the mud from the bottom.
I'd rather put my peener in a pencil sharpener than watch him do another movie other than a Bill & Ted III and I think Alex Winter died of a Liquid Television overdose years ago.
Poor Rachel Weis. At the end of the movie it was like they were about to kiss but then Keanu realized that, in her contract, she negotiated a "I'm not kissing that fucking retard" clause...
And what the shit was with him chewing gum at the end of the movie?? Fuck you, pussy. Smoke another cigarette and eb yourself closer to the death we're all thinking about when we smile ourselves to sleep.
Keanu, if your next movie sucks scrotem puss like this one did, I have a quick fix for you, pal:
3 parts gasoline
1 part Keanu
2 parts flame
mix and pour over a chilled, 6-foot hole in the ground.