Life On LexeproSubmitted by Murphy1844 at 2005-05-17 19:10:50 EDT
Rating: 1.56 on 31 ratings (31 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Last night I cooked the best chicken ever. I used a charcoal grill and cooked chicken thighs and drumsticks. The secret, I think, and what made this chicken’s flavor so succulent, was the BBQ sauce. You see I infused this sauce with a half bottle of Habenero sauce. Habenero peppers are the second hottest peppers in the world.
So I started by building a fire. You shake a half bag of charcoal briquettes in a clean grill. Then squirt lighter fluid all over the briquettes and light. Wait about twenty-five thirty minutes before applying the meat. At that time you’ll have a nice, hot, manly fire. The fire was so hot, last night, that I could feel my crotch swelling. I don’t know what it is about a hot fire.
There was nothing particularly special about the chicken—like I said, this shit was so tasty because of the sauce. The Habeneros. Just throw the bits of chicken on the grill and prepare for flare-ups. You don’t want the flame touching the chicken because if it does, your drumsticks or thighs or whatever will taste like burnt lighter fluid. Turn them a few times, rotating the outer chicken to the middle of the fire, and close the lid whenever the coals flare up. At this point, with the lid closed, you’re creating an oven. Just sit back, be patient, and dance around in the flavorful smoke. And get your sauce ready.
I walked from the patio to the kitchen, pausing in front of the T.V., to get the sauce started. Joel, my roommate, said, “hold on, wait.” I stopped, looking at the screen. “Okay, GO,” he said. He was playing Resident Evil 4. To those of you who don’t know, RE4 is a revolutionary sequel to the whole RE series. It is considered a ‘survival horror’ game and, in RE4, your job is to rescue the President’s daughter from the evil grip of Lord Salazar. Salazar is the leader of a bizarre cult based in an unnamed location in Spanish-speaking Europe. You play an agent of the Raccoon City Police Department, named Leon Scott Kennedy. This game has amazing graphics, control, gameplay, level design, sound—everything. It is the best console game ever made. Okay, you can skip to the next paragraph. To those who do know: right now we’re trying to beat Krauser on PRO mode. I already beat the game on normal mode, unlocking Assignment Ada and The Mercenaries (and got a 5* rating on all levels with all characters, unlocking the handcannon [SAY SOMETHING!]). But Krauser is a bitch. He’s too powerful.
I ran between Joel and Leon Scott Kennedy and grabbed a plastic bowl and poured a whole bottle of Fred Meyer brand BBQ sauce in the bowl, gloop gloop gloop, and then threw in a couple dashes of Habenero sauce. I started to twist the cap back on the bottle of Habenero sauce and paused. I looked up from the kitchen and everyone was staring at the screen because Joel just put a Killer7 bullet in Krauser’s face. Then I quickly unscrewed the cap and tripled the amount of Habenero sauce in the bowl. For some reason, I felt guilty and inconsiderate doing this. As I was shaking the sauce in the bowl, I screamed “ANOTHER KNOTCH, WAH WAH.”
“What the fuck?” A voice from the living room. I grabbed the bowl, feeling a little embarrassed, and I started to run across the living room. Then Joel said:
“Wait wait wait.” I could hear the buttons clicking. The T.V. went ‘chick chick boom hahaha bam uh huh boom boom huh.’ Joel said, “NOW” and I ran outside. I plucked the chicken from the grill and dipped them in the sauce. The chicken sizzled as they were being drenched and coated. I put the chicken back on the grill to bake on the sauce and then I took them off a few minutes later, recoated them in more sauce, and then I stacked them in a bright orange plastic bowl that had ghosts and pumpkins printed on the side. Then we grubbed.
I was so hungry that I burned my fingers picking up the hot, dripping, meat. The chicken literally fell off the bone. It was smoky. It burned the shit out of everyone’s lips. I couldn’t stop laughing. People were screaming “MILK!” or “BREAD, BREAD, WATER, SOMETHING!” I laughed some more and drank, then ate more chicken. After the pussies had their milk, they took another piece and cried all over again. We all sat around the kitchen with BBQ sauce all over our lips, cheeks, and fingers. Sweat beaded on our faces and several people were blowing their noses and wiping their eyes. We were laughing our asses off. And we all agreed: this was the best chicken ever.