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Your Work Attire Sucks and You Should Feel Really Bad About That: Tips On How To Not Look Like A Retard At Work

Submitted by Flack at 2019-03-06 15:11:36 EST
Rating: 0.5 on 6 ratings (13 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

So I just got back to my office from the cafeteria at my worksite when I saw this fucking guy wearing a polo shirt with a tie (wtf) tucked into jeans while sporting New Balance running shoes. It took everything inside of me to not go up to him and say, “What’s it like to be a fucking asshole?”

The words “Business Casual” mean something completely different in Colorado compared to everywhere else I have ever worked. Back in Michigan, North Carolina, or Texas, business casual means wearing slacks, leather or suede shoes, a leather belt, and collared shirt tucked in to your trousers at the minimum. You might also wear a tie or perhaps a jacket. Basically, dressing just short of wearing a suit.

However, here in Colorado, it pretty much means “whatever the fuck as long as your shirt has a collar.” This means jeans, sneakers, untucked button-downs, and the like. Now, I’m not bitter about the difference in work-attire between Colorado and everywhere else. I’m actually on board with the idea that you shouldn’t have to dress up to get your job done. As long as you aren’t wearing anything that could be construed offensive or logos of your competitors, fuck it, wear whatever.

BUT….. that doesn’t mean you should dress like a fucking retard either. Especially on those days when you have a meeting with the brass or whatever and actually have to look somewhat respectable. Me personally, I wear slacks and a button down with leather shoes every day except Friday. Sometimes I rock a jacket/sport coat, sometimes I wear a tie, and sometimes I wear a cardigan or v-neck sweater. On important occasions like when I present to the big bosses, I’ll wear a suit, though that’s not really required. On Fridays, I wear jeans and a button-down with some clean Chuck Taylors. It’s really my personal preference.

Unfortunately, I constantly see a bunch of fucking cocks that think they look good when they dress nice but really they look fucking horrible. And it drives me up the wall. Gentlemen, dressing nice for work should be something to CELEBRATE, NOT DESPISE! Dressing nice for work does several things for you:

1. It makes your peers, subordinates, and bosses take your more seriously.
2. It makes your clients/customers respect your advice and counsel.
3. Bitches fucking LOVE it!

So here is a list of rules for dressing nice at work so you don’t look like the toolbag that I saw in the cafeteria earlier:

1. When wearing a jacket, DON’T BUTTON YOUR BOTTOM BUTTON. Jackets are actually designed specifically for this. If you button the bottom button, you look like you DON’T know what you’re doing and you will be immediately dismissed by anyone that knows better as someone that doesn’t pay attention to detail. If you have three buttons ion your jacket, it goes:

a. Top- Sometimes
b. Middle- Always
c. Bottom- Never

For two button jackets, same principle, just get rid of the Middle Button rule. Also, DO NOT SIT DOWN with your jacket buttoned. Unbutton it before you sit down. This mitigates tightening, wrinkles, and popping your buttons if you have a bit of a gut like me. It also shows people you give a shit about your shit, which in turn makes them think you’ll give a shit about their shit (even if you think their shit can get fucked).

2. Rocking a Pocket Square is a fast track to Awesome-ville. Putting a pocket square in your jacket pocket is the easiest way to not look like a complete chomp. However, DO NOT match your pocket square with your tie. A pocket Square should complement your tie, not match it. Have you ever been in one of those men’s shops where they have a matching tie/pocket square sets you can buy? Don’t buy them. That’s cheating and if you cheat in fashion, your co-workers and customers will think you cheat at other shit as well. Don’t cheat. Compliment colors but never designs. And colors should BE CLOSE, but NEVER match.

Do this: https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0347/3225/files/amagansett_blue_large.JPG?15712885130501674662

Not This: https://img1.etsystatic.com/044/1/8195016/il_fullxfull.514131911_6kp9.jpg

3. A four-in-hand knot is okay, but take the time to learn how to tie more formal knots like a Double Windsor. DO NOT TIE A MATRIX KNOT (the knot the Merovingian wears in The Matrix: Reloaded). It makes you look like a fucking uptight prick.

4. Pleated pants are not now, nor have ever been, cool and fashionable. If you have a pair of these monstrosities, take them out of your closet and burn them. If you’re the type of person that wears pleats, then you should probably also be penciled in for a visit from the angel of death.

5. Black shoes go with black, charcoal, or gray slacks. Brown shoes go with navy, blue, khaki, or grey slacks. Learn this. Know this. Live this. Here’s a cool protip: extremely dark brown shoes (almost maroon) go with EVERYTHING. And, if you’re REALLY ballsy, you can wear brown shoes with black slacks so long as you match the belt. It’s a bold move, Cotton. But if you can pull it off, you have a better chance of getting your cocked sucked by an intern in the supply closet.

6. As it relates to point 5, always match your leather. If you are wearing bright brown shoes, wear a bright brown belt. If you are wearing a wristwatch with a black leather band, wear black leather shoes and black leather belt as well. It goes back to the whole paying-attention-to-detail thing. If you don’t give a shit about how you look, why should anyone else give a shit about what you have to say?

7. If you drink alcohol, make sure you have at least one hangover shirt. A hangover shirt is a dress shirt that is a dark pink or light purple or maybe a light orange color that detracts away from the fact that you pounded 9 shots of whiskey and a 12-pack the night before. I don’t recommend you get that wasted on a work night, but it does happen. Make sure this shirt is ready to go for the next morning, and people will think you’re just under-the-weather instead of a fucking degenerate alcoholic. Here is a good example: https://lookastic.com/men/light-violet-dress-shirt/shop/end-on-end-cotton-dress-shirt-811994

8. Suspenders are cool, but you gotta wear them correctly. Suspenders should NEVER be worn without a tie. I don’t care how the hipster trash you saw on South Broadway in Denver was wearing them, YOU ALWAYS WEAR A TIE WITH SUSPENDERS. If you rock a bow-tie with suspenders, you’re a fucking bad-ass. Keep it up.

9. When it comes to socks, I have noticed that the more adventurous they are, the better to wear. I used to be of the idea that dress socks should be plain, black/navy socks. Nothing more. I have since changed my mind and now my sock game is so fucking on point. The best aprt about socks is they don’t necessarily have to match your outfit. Because you aren’t showing them off constantly, it adds a little fun to a more serious outfit and people will fucking lock onto that. There is this cute girl I work with that once caught a glimpse of these socks I was wearing with some grey slacks and she had an orgasm right there. True story. These were the socks I was wearing: https://deadsoxy.com/hudson/

10. Lapel pins for your jacket are cool and should be worn often to show people how awesome you are and how you’re not putting up with any bullshit because you know how to fucking dress. I have a serious collection. Fake flower lapels are my favorite as you can pair them with a cool tie/pocket square combo. Every man should have the following lapel pins:

a. Your country’s flag (https://pinsbyfrank.com/american-flag-lapel-pins/ )
b. Something that signifies a hobby (I have a bass clef lapel pin because I play bass https://www.musiciansfriend.com/lifestyle/aim-pin-bass-clef )
c. A fake flower like this: https://www.ties.com/ties-com-purple-the-piped-lapel-flower-lapel-pins
d. A cool metal one like a Fleur-de-lis (https://www.ties.com/v/b/ties.com-fleur-de-lis-gold-lapel-pin ) or your college logo (https://www.cubookstore.com/p-78212-cu-lapel-pin-silver.aspx ) or something meaningful to your life (https://www.amazon.com/U-S-Army-Cavalry-Division-Lapel/dp/B00APKK9HE )

So there you have it. If you read this entire thing, cool. You’re well on your way to becoming a more productive member of your workforce. Follow these rules and people will take you more seriously, your dick will get sucked that much more often, you’ll increase your sales, and you’ll generally not look like the fucking degenerate piece of shit that you truly, deep-down, know that you really are. And don’t wear a tie with a polo shirt, dipshit!

You’re welcome.

Review This Item




Submitted by Ralph at 2019-03-15 15:26:41 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Fuck you.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2019-03-13 12:16:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Old Skool Uber.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2019-03-08 17:32:22 EST (#)

It's Ms Fucking Foul. I enjoyed your comment very much, thanks.

Submitted by Bestmate2 at 2019-03-08 16:44:16 EST (#)

Hi Mr Fucking Foul
Yes indeed, in the noun form, brace is also used in the dental area in blighted, Blighty.
Not withstanding, is it not quite delicious that here we are two patriots, divided by a heaving sea, where seagulls fornicate on the wing, where the lamentations of long dead sailors call out to their kin, where seabed cables strain to maintain the porn momentum, that we two knights of the written word, duly and with an appropriate respect, share a knowledge of our respective cultures.
Mighty is the bird of knowing, as magic circles emanate from our swirling phallus. A pulled finger stretching to another with a strike of lightening joining the two. At such moments, the wails of Ariadne, drift into a nothingness. The goddess is tamed.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2019-03-08 13:41:47 EST (#)

I am rather happy that I don't have to spend energy worrying about the caprices of fashion in order to be taken seriously in my job*. Cargo shorts, a t-shirt, slip-on shoes, and a boonie hat FT relaxed fit W.

*exception: when I have to testify in court. There, a suit is required. Judges are picky that way.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2019-03-07 18:12:50 EST (#)

In America, braces are orthodontic devices.

Submitted by Flack at 2019-03-07 17:21:55 EST (#)

Submitted by Bestmate2 at 2019-03-07 16:11:05 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Well I was concentrating until you mentioned suspenders.
We Brits refer to them as “braces”, whilst the said suspender is a clip like device to hold up a lady’s stocking. They are also often used as a prop in sexual role play.
I know that it is well off topic but hey oh, an educational morsel appertaining to another’s culture may just be of some interest to you earthy Americans.


You guys are on a whole other level of English than we are. Where do you get your weed?

Submitted by Bestmate2 at 2019-03-07 16:11:05 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Well I was concentrating until you mentioned suspenders.
We Brits refer to them as “braces”, whilst the said suspender is a clip like device to hold up a lady’s stocking. They are also often used as a prop in sexual role play.
I know that it is well off topic but hey oh, an educational morsel appertaining to another’s culture may just be of some interest to you earthy Americans.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2019-03-07 13:44:51 EST (#)

Asmasta wears pleated pants and polo shirts with ties

Submitted by Flack at 2019-03-07 11:54:40 EST (#)

Submitted by asmasta808 at 2019-03-06 18:36:56 EST (#)
Rating: -2

ursuck and your americunt sux.

Well...that's certainly not cool of you.

Submitted by DaBeast at 2019-03-07 01:34:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Oh, my, we are full of snoot. I read this out loud while performing my 'John Oliver' nasal bit. Could use just a little more cheese with the whine, though. Might have been... ya know... properly hosted... just sayin'...

Submitted by asmasta808 at 2019-03-06 18:36:56 EST (#)
Rating: -2

ursuck and your americunt sux.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2019-03-06 18:01:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Lapel pins are for white baby boomers and Congressmen. I approve of all your other tips though. I can't believe you actually saw a polo shirt with a tie in the wild. Tragic.

First Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then he makes fun
of the way I talk -- probably -- now he steals my right to raise a
disobedient, smart-alecky son! Well, that's it!

-- Homer Simpson
Two Bad Neighbors