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Drinking Motivates Me To Write

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2019-03-06 03:46:25 EST
Rating: 0.66 on 3 ratings (7 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I only write when I have a buzz or better. When I’m sober, I don’t think I have anything to say. This leads to awkward silence for anyone around me. I prefer to be quiet if I have nothing to add to the silence.

Now that I feel like chatting, I’d like to tell you a funny story.

It’s about a bum who was bad at math, and literally made me laugh out loud. Let begin from the beginning.

Years ago, I worked for a big retail company called Fred Meyer as a Loss Prevention Specialist. So basically store security, and we carried around concealed handcuffs in the event that we caught someone stealing and had to arrest them. I want to be clear that the only lawful authority we had was a “citizens arrest,” which anyone can do. In the US, if any citizen commits any crime, that citizen has the authority to execute a citizen’s arrest. This isn’t anything special.

We used cameras and walkie-talkies to chat with each other, and it was actually a lot of fun when we caught someone. The approach made me feel important because we had to show this meaningless badge and all that, then chase/tackle/cuff them if needed, then do the boring stuff like report writing and calling the police.

When I started the job, I assumed every bum was a shoplifter because they were broke bums. I spent a great deal of time monitoring bums trying to jack beer or deli items. Turns out, most bums either don’t steal at all, or if they do it’s for something less than ten bucks, which we were trained to ignore.

Most financial theft actually occurs internally, which was my boss’s job, or externally with big-ticket items. Trends change, and when I got more experience, I looked for anyone with a Dyson vacuum cleaner in their shopping cart. Yes, people just roll out the door with a shitload of shit all the time.

Knowing this, I still kept an eye on the bums just because I find bums kinda interesting. Other wasteful activities include but are not necessarily limited to:

- Watching fat people on camera eat food from the deli, and editing the video to show my coworkers
- Staring at strange disabilities, like this one dude who had a “growth” growing out of his leg that looked like a mushroom. Then I’ll say things to my coworkers like, “Hmmm, wonder if you cut that thing off and shave it over some pasta — They’d say, “Stop it again!”
- Watching people with piss bags piss in their bags in real-time is a hoot as well. I wonder if it makes any sound.

One particular big fat bum caught my attention. I can’t remember his name, so let’s call him “Ambiance.” Ambiance was a regular bum, and the bus would poop him out a couple times a week around afternoon.

Every time he came to the store he’d buy a can or two of Steel Reserve and a can of tomato juice. Then he’d fuck around outside and drink his booze and then go away. He wasn’t obnoxious, and I didn’t get any complaints about him, so I ignored him most of the time.

One day was different because he stole.

He stole a package of discounted raw beef. I approached him, not because he stole, but because he had raw beef and I was concerned he’d be stupid enough to just chuck it down. He was laying on the side of the building, well away from the general public.

I walked up to him. I said, “Hey Ambiance.” He looked confused. He always looked confused. I said, “you’re going to cook that first right?” He said,

“What?” I feel stupid every time I do this, but I pulled out my little badge and announced that I’m Fred Meyer security blah blah know he stole beef know it’s inside his left jacket blah blah. I said,

“I don’t give a shit, just don’t steal again and make sure you cook that shit before you eat it.” He continued to look confused and all bummy. Whatever. I blew cigarette smoke from the corner of my mouth in to the wind. I asked, “I’m curious... what’s the ratio of your beer and tomato juice mixture?” He said,

“Oh it’s about 90/20.” I laughed out loud, and commanded Ambiance to have a nice day and then I walked away.



Review This Item




Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2019-04-03 15:44:09 EDT (#)

Is this you or the liquor talking? Ricky, I *am* the liquor.

My intention here isn't malicious... I just think it's a funny story. What is funny to me is nearly always offensive or risky. If this is very ubersite, then I *am* ubersite.


Submitted by Shlongy at 2019-03-12 09:45:42 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I don't believe that we are allowed to use the term "bums" anymore.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2019-03-10 14:34:03 EDT (#)

Ridiculing some of the most marginalized people in society who, for example, don't have legs to walk on or a pot to piss in is very ubersite, and always has been, for sure. I just have a lower tolerance for ignoring it now, probably has something to do with working with disabled people and seeing what effects this type of ridicule has on their lives. I think I remember generally liking your posts.

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2019-03-08 14:13:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

A fine read.

Submitted by Bestmate2 at 2019-03-07 15:53:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I enjoyed your tale. Ergo, top mark.

Submitted by DaBeast at 2019-03-07 01:27:58 EST (#)

Just keep it simple, Murph. Don't go adding shit to the code to make it newb friendly. I know Shlongy would like the fresh meat but gawd, I don't think I could stand to watch that again. It was gruesome last time.

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2019-03-06 03:51:03 EST (#)

That extra step to publish is annoying and not very intuitive. Prevents bots, sure, but there must be a more user-friendly way to just submit posts. Hate to see anyone not too techy try and interact with this site, it being so terribly UI/X unfriendly. Captcha maybe? It's down to a check box and machine learning at this point...

Busy with other shit, I get it. But implementing this shouldn't take more than a couple hours I'd think. I can help for free if you'd like.

Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to

-- Homer Simpson
Dead Putting Society