Flack Moves To Colorado Part 2 of 2: Don't Move To ColoradoSubmitted by Flack at 2019-01-24 17:20:33 EST
Rating: 1.27 on 11 ratings (16 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Ok, so you all read about my adventures in college and how dumb that shit was. Now I’ll tell you about the last 3 and ¾ years in Colorado.
Part 2 of 2: Don’t Move To Colorado
So if any of you are thinking about moving to Colorado, don’t. Seriously. There are already enough assholes here and we don’t need more of you dickweeds coming out here as well.
“But Flack, you’re not from Colorado. Who are you to tell people not move there lol !!!!1!!one!”
I speak for every Native Coloradan when I say that you all should stay in Asshole, Arkansas or whatever fucking place you’re from and don’t move here. Housing is expensive, there’s less of it every day (because assholes like you keep moving here), and what used to be cowboy country has turned into a bunch of libshit vegan restaurants complete with wheatgrass enemas. On top of that, I’m trying to move back to Michigan so you can put that finger away before you point it at me.
You may be wondering if I hate Colorado. The answer is, unequivocally, no.
I LOVE Colorado. Its beautiful, the music and art scene is bad ass, the air (outside of Denver) is fresh, the powder is bitchin, there’s a ton of slutty yoga bunnies, and Red Rocks is the greatest music venue ever.
BUT……. Its full of assholes. I don’t mean native Coloradans, I mean the assholes like me that moved here. Cocksuckers from California, Oregon, Chicago, Alabama, Texas, and even Michigan moved out here about 6 years ago because “muh weed dude” and its been a shitshow ever since. There are 4 types of assholes that move out here from other states:
1. Some guido from Hoboken or some fucking place on the east coast that one day went “Ey, Marie! I heard weed was legal in Colorado. Oh shit, let’s move there!” Then, while driving on I-70, Anthony turns to Marie and says "Oh shit Marie, look at the mountains" and then causes a 40 car pileup because he wasn't paying attention. It happens every day.
2. Some "wook" (google it) from the Midwest that thought moving out here to work in the weed industry would be a good moneymaker (note: Its not) but because he is a burned out wook, he has no work ethic, and is now homeless.
3. Some faggot from the west coast that moved out here because it’s cheaper, but they just make it just as expensive as the place they came from anyways for reasons I cannot fathom as someone who has done extensive research on the housing market. It just seems that wherever Californians go, they make wherever they are as expensive as California. Some douche from the bay area could move to Montgomery, Alabama and the ramshackle houses on the outskirts of town would immediately list for something like 1.3 million. I think we should nuke California.
4. People like me that came here for school and/or work.
So yeah. Don’t move here. I’ll be leaving as soon as I qualify for a transfer at my current job back to Michigan.
Ok, so now that we got the bad shit out of the way, here is why I LOVE Colorado and will continue to visit this state even long after I leave it:
1. Its literally one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been, and I’ve traveled the world. Whether on the front range, deep in the mountains, or on the western slope, Colorado is absolutely awesome as long as you are west of I-25. In 2016, I hiked my first 14-er, Mt. Bierstadt. When I got to the summit, I got completely naked and did a little dance. Then I fucked the mountain (note for the slow: I did not actually fuck a mountain).
2. I LOVE the music scene here. As a musician, this place has really helped me to grow. I started playing professionally out here literally as soon as I moved out here. I now make a really good living supplementing my income by playing music several times a month. And Red Rocks is fucking titties. One time I was seeing Umphrey’s Mcgee there and I took a LIFE CHANGING hit of acid. It was such a great experience that I actually went sober for 3 and a half weeks. I really like acid.
3. Coloradans outside of Denver and Boulder are fucking cool. I met Oathmeal out here and yes, even he is cool IRL (Dude, we really should jam some more). People here are extremely hospitable, generous, and good-natured. Its all the fuckwads from California that make it a pain in the ass.
4. Mexican food here is really good. Wild game is also big here. Unfortunately, everything else food-wise sucks. Like, don’t expect good shwarama or good pizza here. And if anyone tells me that BeauJo’s is good pizza again, I’m going to fucking shoot them in the head. Honey on pizza? What the fuck is wrong with people?
5. So one time I was playing a gig in Fort Collins and there was this girl dancing in the crowd. After I finished my set, I went and introduced myself to her. 20 minutes later, we were fucking in the green room. It was rockstar as fuck. The promoter walked in on us and I just smiled and gave him a thumbs up. Shit was so cash. I haven’t been booked at Hodi’s Half note since. Whatever…
6. I met the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with here in Denver. She is literally the best thing that ever happened to me and makes me so much better than I ever was before I met her. I truly don’t deserve her. She is a transplant as well, but she’s lived here for over 20 years since she went to college at Colorado State in the 90’s. That makes her more Native than asshole in my book. And before you ask, no. She wasn’t the girl from point #5.
7. If you’ve never hit up mountain hot springs butt naked in the middle of winter on some REALLY killer molly while looking at the stars and smoking DMT, why even live?
In sum: Don’t move to Colorado. If you want mountains, move to Utah or Idaho. Unless you absolutely love things like rent that’s higher than it should be, bad food, a bunch of liberal dicksucks arguing with you about pronouns, and dready rich kids that never bathe, then by all means come out and enjoy being homeless. I do recommend you visit though. It’s so fucking worth the trip. Catch a show at Red Rocks in the summer, ski Loveland in the winter, and hit up hot springs on drugs whenever.