A Broken Man...Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2018-02-21 08:37:06 EST
Rating: -0.78 on 12 ratings (17 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Please listen to while you read... "Cold"- Jorge Mendez
Co-Worker: I can't believe you want to be a writer? How do you deal with the loneliness?
Co-worker: Yeah, my dad is a writer, makes good money.. He's lonely as fuck, and always
Perkman: Nah, I'm going to hold on to people..
Co-Worker: They all say that...
The solitude.. "Facing the page", as they say. I'm not going to say the last 6 years have been good. In fact, it's been a lonely journey.. too lonely.
I can't even cry real emotions, as I lost everyone I fought for over the years. I was, "chasing the check, chasing the dream.. or truly, chasing the carrot"... and I have nothing to show for it.
I've gotten into those circles, the writers, the producers, the riches.. I see it, and watch their shallow lives, laughing, crying... Shiny Roll's Royce's off of Santa Monica Blvd, nice shoes, even nicer shirts... drunk, and on coke, doing line after line, in a group laughing, giggling, but sadly still alone... their still alone...lonely.
I watch YouTube videos, and watch their emotions, and I try to feel them... Their joy, their pains, their happiness, their loss... since I don't attach my own. It seems as the days have grown older, I have no attachments, no emotions. I have no loves of my own.
Maybe I'll writer better, the whispers in my ears sprout, like a cold wind encompassing empty basements, as the whispers are like early morning cricket's, keeping you keen, but you cannot find them...
I left my town but a broken boy... Feeling unloved, and decided to never go home again... It's fucked, and I watched my brothers and mother age... lost my sister in the process (She didn't pass, but this journey has left us fractured, and we'll never be together again, like a broken vase... no amount of glue can put it together).
I searched so hard for a chance... for a mentor. I wasn't supposed to go into the industry "This way", no.. I was educated, I was polite, I was earnest... but realized that's only a fraction of the potion, didn't have enough of the other attributes and wealth, to attain the right ingredients.
Fake friends from college, patronize me, as if they're watching me "sink or swim" in the ocean that is the industry, without an open hand out stretched. I felt I was fair enough to them, but I guess not. I guess old rivalries never die, huh? I scoff at that, but I realize it is true...
I was a private party 2 nights ago... celeb circles, everyone drinking wine. I met some award winning writers, made "connections", had a producer try to jump my bones.. it was all so... so hollow. It seemed so fake, not even stoic, just "meh", and this was it. I met some producer telling me about his new YouTube series, another about Netflix, and the lot... all broken, all lost, no love... Just chasing the dream... I wanted the "money", and now.. I see what it is.
Some of these people were in their 50's, still chasing the carrot, no contentment in their eyes, others were talking about some event they weren't invited too...Angry with, "How dare they?", and words of, "Do you know whom I know? You don't know him, I know that, I can end you", as their tongues were forked with the rage, and the double entre of lies, and truths rolled into one.
I looked around, and watched... as they talk too crass for children, and discussed the "scandals" and how some felt they were justified, other's thought it was bullshit, but there was nothing there... Everyone in their mid 30's at the youngest, well into their 50's, and here I was.. unhappy, just like them...
I decided to get thrashed, breaking my rule not to "Drink in front of them", and I said, "Fuck it", and I've been on a bender for the last 2 days.. Unequivocally, I hope the money is worth it, but lately I doubt it. I'm sadder every day, and ponder doing blow like the rest, even partaking... to live for the night my mind says, only this "once", live for the whim.. live for the moment, since "Fuck it, why not?". I hope the friends I lost, please understand.. I couldn't go home again...
Not back to a rusted town, that would always see me as the scum I rolled within Jr. High, I needed a new horizon, and I could never return. Maybe the pressure was too much, I don't know... but, here I sit back, dejected and melancholy and ponder.
Girls I lost on the journey, I apologize.. but this was the path I chose.. please don't weep for me... I made my choices...
I'm like the milleniall's now.. no friends, looking to "YouTube stars" for a semblance of normalcy, and nothing to hang onto.. Old friends I miss them, but we talk shit, but never visit, make up dates we never keep promises for.. I guess that's "Grown up", huh?
I'm leaving this place...4 more months, and I'm gone... The devil run's this place... I have to leave this dream to save myself, and regain my dignity... Thanks for watching this journey, but the pain is over.. I overlooked my past ubersite posts, and I've been sad for over 6 years... something is wrong... I finally figured out what it is...
"A man can only admit when he's wrong..., and ask forgiveness"- Lord Glover "Game of Thrones"
Blow me up.