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You people are pathetic.
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Trying to keep a promise...

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-12-08 00:52:16 EST
Rating: -1.0 on 6 ratings (21 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Listen to this while you read.... Rick Ross- "Ten Jesus Pieces"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTJYn1SFGas

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"Slit his throat and be done with it..."

As the words echo, and the flush of wind hits them all...

"What"?

"You heard me... be done with it."

The crassness of his voice hits them all... they didn't care for the prisoner. They are just foot soldiers, just pawns in a war they signed up for, for a check.

As one of the guards sits up, and he looks at the other two.. head down.

As his minds starts racing... "Should I be doing this?" he asks himself... Whose soul will suffer in hell for this act? The soldier or the general? For some reason lately he's become religious. It happened when his best friend of 23 years died in a horrific car crash... It was an accident.. Who am I kidding? It was on purpose, the asshole was hopped up on molly, coke, and adderall, and a fifth of gin. He ran through the double wide, across the freeway, and died in a blaze of glory... As the thought hits his mind, he shudders...

"Fuck"...

As they walk down the steps to carry out the deed, for some reason the floors went from 3, to about 30, as they click their guns off of safety, and go towards the basement. They were only supposed to beat him up, smash out a few teeth. The guy wasn't even the reason for his own abduction. It was a debt his brother owed. His brother is one of those brothers, that you wonder why the lord even gave them brothers? Always creating deals, problems, and leaving them, running, cunning, betraying... but this brother in the basement isn't innocent either. He was in on many of their shady deals, the petty ones, just nickle and dime stuff. He didn't know his brother got into debt, with Mr. Jafeon... Mr. Jafeon is a different breed of psycho. Raised in the land of dirt sands, where maidens dress with vales, and people get their hands cut off for simple theft, and though it's 2016, his family still owns slaves.. families of them. Some are still castrated and controlled.

A loud crash is heard...

"What the fuck is that?"

As they start to rush down the stairs, galloping, and jumping three steps at a time... as they get to the door, they catch the man, somehow he escaped from the ropes, and his eyes were wild with bewilderment, revenge, and anger, as he clutched to a random knife, as it shined off the moonlight, that hit off the window sill...

"Calm down.. calm down buddy"

"FUCKERS!"

He says, erratic, and a bit deranged, as the drugs they pumped him with, start to ignite.

As one of the Guards whispers in Guard #2's ear...

"Listen... we can't shoot him here. It's too loud, there's a club next door, and residential streets..."

"fuck"

"Calm down kid... we're... we're not here to hurt you..."

As the kid turns around, in a glare, and defiant stance... you can tell.. he doesn't care to die... the rage and drugs have engulfed him, half deranged, with the adrenaline of freedom in his veins, and the rage of vengeance rings through his body, like a clock tower...He wants vengeance.. revenge... and we all know, "Revenge is the sweetest joy next to getting pussy"...

As Guard #3, is inching towards him from the back, and thinking he can overpower the youth, as he lunges at him, he didn't realize how fast the boy was, as he jumped around him, with ease, as he grabs him by his arm, and gets him in a back neck lock, with the knife to his throat..

"NO!, Don't!"

Is yelled at the youth, as he begins to press the blade on the rotund man's neck.

"You must pay... someone has to pay!, What you did to me... the torture, the pain.. he must pay!"

The kid screeches out, like a demon has engulfed him, and his finger's start to shake and tremble, as he starts to get invigorated from the power over another creature...

"Stop kid...just stop"

As Guard #1 pulls out his gun, and points it at the kids head.

"If you do this, you won't leave alive"...

The kid looks at him, a bit sad..., then a derange smile goes across his face...

" You think I didn't hear you upstairs? Discussing me, my family, my brother... oh.... I recall.."

"You didn't hear anything lad... we just want everyone to get home safe, your brothers debt is paid"

"LIAR!"

He retorts as spit flies out of his mouth, like poisonous venom... As he press the knife harder on the Guards throat...as blood starts to ripple through his neck, as little droplets come down, like the cover of a Goosebumps book... As the guard starts to whine in agony...

"Why do you think we lied? Look, we'll let you go...but let him go... let him go.. he's got a wife and kid..."

"really?"

"Yes"

"Please enlighten me, on why I should show you the same compassion you did not show me?"

As shame engulfs both the guards faces, and they put their heads down... they know, the kid was right... but, no. This is a business, his family owed a debt, they knew the game.

"You owed a debt, that's how this works kid. You borrow money, you pay..."

"Whatever... it wasn't my debt"

"We're going to let you go kid.. Scouts honor.. out the back, into the alley...just don't kill David."

The kids energy seemed to fade, he for sure thought he was going to die...but they're giving him a way out. He can get out of this, he can live, he can repent, he can change his path...

"Honest?"

"Yes... whatever debt you owe, if you let him live. It's forgotten"...

The kids arms starts to get weak... he looks over at the guards, and a bit of smile engulfs him. He sees the horizon, he's going to change his ways, rehab, go to church, say hello to his mother, and go see his kid.

"Alright,"

As he starts to inch towards the door.. slowly, with the knife on David's throat.

"Listen up, Jim(Guard #2), when the kid let's David(Guard #3) go, he can leave.. got it?"

"Yeah.. I got it."

As the kid inches closer and closer to the door. The Guard's were content to let him go, a life for a life, isn't that the universal exchange? As they've started to feel a bit better about the ordeal, and things are going well...

"Than... Thanks... thank you.."

The kid mumbles under his breath, as he lets David go, as David's fat body collapses to the floor...As he's shaking, and trembling, as the kid turns to see...

A barrel of a gun in his face...

"Mr. Jafeon, NO!"

BANG!!!!!

"No one gets away from paying me... fucking filth."

As the kid's body falls to the ground, and slumps...

"What the fuck did you do? We let him go?! It wasn't even his debt, you fucking psycho"

Guard #2 yell's at his boss. As he rushes to the boy, only 21 years old...

"The kid was druggy filth anyway... next time, I give you an order. You follow it?, Got it?"

"Yes.. Yes, sir"...

End.





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Submitted by Pubis at 2017-03-07 11:39:44 EST (#)
Rating: -2


Submitted by Dru M at 2017-02-18 06:06:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by shitfuck at 2017-02-10 00:57:58 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Where did you learn to write like that?

I ask only to make sure I never make the same mistake.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2016-12-09 19:59:20 EST (#)

This is by far the least shit thing you've ever posted

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-12-08 16:35:58 EST (#)

That's the point, Silvr... He wanted to seek revenge, is almost there, and he doesn't get it, kinda like life, right? Well, thanks for reading.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2016-12-08 16:13:02 EST (#)

Snippets are supposed to be teasers, man. This didn't tease anything. There's no broader story intimated in it. The only possible interesting character was killed off. The sweet revenge he was supposed to get never happened. Even if you intend to have the brother seek vengeance, you've already portrayed him as only caring about himself. I suppose there could be a story involving his change of heart and character, but you've already made the reader apathetic to him. If this is supposed to be a broader story, you haven't left the reader wanting more. In fact, you've all but made the reader tune out altogether.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-12-08 15:40:46 EST (#)

It's only a snippet of a broader story Silvr.. sheesh, it's like you expected me to write an entire movie on here.

Submitted by blackbear at 2016-12-08 11:53:19 EST (#)
Rating: -1

"Revenge is the sweetest joy next to getting pussy"...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Submitted by apollo88 at 2016-12-08 11:31:31 EST (#)

but whom killed him?

and why must he sleep with the fishies???


Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2016-12-08 11:07:22 EST (#)

You liking your own writing won't get you paid, Perk.

That is the goal, right?

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-12-08 11:00:05 EST (#)

Sometimes you throw things out there, some stick, some don't. Well, I liked it.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2016-12-08 10:28:56 EST (#)
Rating: -2

TOTAL TARD-FEST!

Submitted by Dru M at 2016-12-08 10:00:36 EST (#)

No.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2016-12-08 09:56:28 EST (#)

You named your palms?

Submitted by Dru M at 2016-12-08 09:53:29 EST (#)

Neigh and no way respectively.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2016-12-08 09:48:19 EST (#)

They both look better than your palms.

Submitted by Dru M at 2016-12-08 09:41:01 EST (#)

Sage is better looking than your wife Silvr. ALOT better.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2016-12-08 09:39:50 EST (#)
Rating: -1

I'll give you a point for the effort.

Your dialogue is forced, contrived and not believable (the kid went from deranged, raw fear to "please enlighten me"? The hired guns are negotiating using a paid killer's wife and kids as leverage? Mr. "Follow my orders when I tell you to kill someone's family member in cold blood" is going to tolerate one of his lackeys calling him a fucking psycho? "Scouts honor", from a hired goon?).

And what of the plot? You barely give us any info on the guards so the hostage situation means nothing to the reader. These professional, bad guy killers click their safeties off before they're even to the room, and THEN decide that they can't shoot the kid there? These are the least intimidating goons ever. You make a vague, stereotyped description of Mr. Jafeon like we're only supposed to dislike him because he's Arab. We have no reason to pull for the kid anymore once the guards pull that change-of-heart, Scouts Honor nonsense. And your twist, surprise ending was the least surprising event in the whole story. At no point did I think, "This kid's going to get away and an exciting adventure is going to start." No, the thought in my mind from the start was that this kid was going to get shot in the face. Utterly predictable. On top of that, you threw in the religious angle on two of your characters for no reason at all other than to feebly attempt to force the reader to infer that all crises of conscience and conviction are somehow divinely inspired. Then, you render that fairy tale notion moot by wasting the kid. I have zero interest in knowing if this story goes anywhere. The only person I could have possibly been curious about further, you eighty-sixed. This reads like it was a creative writing assignment, thrown together at the last minute only to reach a word count quota.

Now I know that you'll just take this comment personally and fly into a spittle-filled rage, but I'm having some RealTalk with you, homie. This is my honest take on your piece... no vitriol involved. Nevertheless, I eagerly await your three boilerplate, unimaginative insults. They'll make for funny reading when Sage and I are out on the town.

Submitted by Tormentos at 2016-12-08 07:22:42 EST (#)

All you haters, you jellies, you scoffers and doubters, take note! This post is a blinding spotlight shining on Perkman's writing talents, and it's beam reflects into our eyes, our minds, and our hearts, the extent of his wordsmithing skills. Lo! Let all agree and no one deny that, with his posting of this piece of literary work, any uncertainties we may have once held as to the the magnitude of Perky's prosepooping ability have been hereby thoroughly, formally, and unequivocally laid to rest.






--Or--







PERKMAN IS A TALENTLESS SEMIRETARDED HACK AND NOW THERE'S PROOF HIS APOLOGY FOR THIS MESS IS EXPECTED

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-12-08 00:54:35 EST (#)

yep.


Marge: Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to six
servings a week?

Homer: Marge, I'm only human.

Principal Charming