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FUCKING EAT THIS!- Recipes by Flack part 2: Bacon Cheeseburger Muffins

Submitted by Flack at 2016-01-26 03:32:17 EST
Rating: 1.5 on 8 ratings (8 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

More muffins? Yeah, bitch! More fucking muffins!

Here's the shit you will need:

>Muffin tray (as I said last year, I use a 6-muffin tray, makes bigger shit)
>Skillet (you only need one but I use two just to keep my prep time down)
>mixing bowl
>a small knife
>1.25 cups of Bisquick (or whatever generic biscuit mix you can find...no England, not cookie mix)
>7 Tablespoons of Buttermilk
>4 strips of Bacon (get the thick shit from the deli counter)
>.5 lbs of ground beef (it doesn't matter if it's lean, this shit is NOT nutritious)
>1 jalapeno pepper
>2 cups shredded cheese (it doesn't matter what kind, just get the cheap shit)

Alright, do you got this shit? Good. Preheat your oven to 400˚. For those of you that are freedom-deficient, this would be 204.4˚ Celcius.

Then, after you turn your oven on, wash your fucking hands you grimy piece of shit. Most food that is tainted is only that way because some asshole like you forgets to wash his hands properly after taking a massive shit and then starts cooking. That's disgusting. Don't do that. It takes 20 seconds to wash your hands. Here's a good rule, sing the first verse of your favorite Beatles song while you do it. That should take about 20 seconds. You can start with "I'm a Loser."

Since your oven is preheating, why not fry up the goddamned bacon in the meantime. You want this shit to crumble good so get it crispy. You wanna know a neat trick to see if bacon is crispy enough? Basically, if you have to ask yourself is it crispy enough, than its not crispy enough. Get it right, dummy! Once its cool, crumble the bacon.

As the Bacon cools and drains, fry up the ground beef (or be smart like me and just do this at the same time with another skillet, dumb ass). Drain the ground beef and set in a bowl or plate or some shit to the side.

So while all this shit is cooking or cooling, grab a sharp knife and try not to stab yourself in the eye with it you fucking simpleton. Instead, dice the jalapeno up. This is going into the mix. Now, I have this roommate who is a total bitch about spicy shit so I have to gut out the seeds and inner skin first. Don't ask me why he doesn't like spicy shit, because I think he just sucks a lot of cock and its affected his palate. If you are a little bitch like my roommate, you can easily get all the spicy shit out the pepper by cutting of the stem end of the pepper with a small knife (like a pairing or a steak knife) and basically rotating it around in the cavity of the pepper until all the seeds and inner skin just falls out. Fucking genius.

Now, take the crumbled bacon, the cheese and the Bisquick and combine it in a mixing bowl. Use your (washed) hands to mix it up. Then, stir in the ground beef and buttermilk. You want to do this separately because if you mix it all together at the same time, it gets to be a real pain in the ass. Once its mixed, transfer the mixture to the muffin tray. Make sure the mix goes all the way to the top of the depressions in the pan. Put that shit in the oven for 15 minutes and there you go, Bacon Cheeseburger Muffins.

It makes 6 servings at 492 Calories per serving. It also has 39 grams of fat and 28 grams of protein per serving. Basically, don't eat this shit all the time or you will get fatter than me which is bad because I'm like a Teddy Bear and shit; I'll cuddle the fuck out of your bitch and spit in your face while I do it. In sum: Think of this as really good drunk food.

You can also roll the mix into little balls (huh huh) and put them on a baking sheet for the same amount of time. They're smaller, but make for a great app the next time you have a bunch of alpha dudes over to fuck your wife while you watch and simultaneously jack it in the corner of your bedroom, crying, using your own tears as lubrication, wanting to kill yourself, and wondering where it all went wrong...

Your welcome.

Review This Item




Submitted by Average_Dan at 2016-05-25 16:24:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

God bless you. God bless you good!

Submitted by Woggo at 2016-01-27 13:15:00 EST (#)
Rating: -2

As funny as leprosy.

Submitted by DaBeast at 2016-01-26 22:57:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You forgot the most important steps.
STEP 1: Slap that little bitch Flack until she gets back in the kitchen and emerges with PIE!
STEP 2: Repeat.

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2016-01-26 19:45:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Glorious final paragraph.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2016-01-26 18:47:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Too many ingredients and too much work but - THIS IS UBERSITE.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2016-01-26 17:58:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by FALLEN at 2016-01-26 11:05:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by OathMeal at 2016-01-26 09:39:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Please do not cuddle the fuck out of my bitch.

The weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities.

-- Homer Simpson
Bart vs. Australia