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FUCKING EAT THIS!- Recipes by Flack part 1: Brotein Chicken Muffins

Submitted by Flack at 2015-01-05 22:21:15 EST
Rating: 1.28 on 8 ratings (13 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

So tonight I made this shit for the first time and it was fucking delish. Surprisingly, its easy and fairly cheap to make as well. All you need is to have an open goddamned mind (and a bunch of ingredients and shit).

Here is what you need:
Muffin tray (I have a small 6-muffin tray, works bad ass)
Two eggs (large)
1 lb of ground chicken
1 stalk celery
2 green onion sprouts
1/4 cup shredded cheese

Some seasonings, doesn't matter what or how much but I used:

1 tsp crushed red pepper
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp lemon pepper seasoning
A spoon

Ok, so here's how you do it:

Preheat your oven to 350. While the oven warms up (much like the women I cook for), Get a big ass bowl and throw the all the ingredients in it. Make sure you chop up the celery and green onions real good, dumbass. If you put the entire stalk into one muffin depression, than you're a fucking retard. Next, wash your motherfucking hands! I know your dirty sons of bitches don't give a fuck, but not rinsing the shit off your hand after you wipe is gross as hell. Take your clean hands and mix all that shit in the bowl. Its gonna feel gross, but stop being such a pussy. This shit is gonna taste fucking titties, man. If you're a little bitch, you can use a whisk, but then you have to admit you're a complete fag and it'll take longer. Take some cooking spray (i use PAM olive oil because I'm trying to slim my fat ass down) and grease the fuck out of the muffin tray like it was an underage transsexual Thai whore (actually a light coating will do, you'll need the spray to make more shit for my next recipe). Now spoon whats in the bowl into the muffin tray you fucking dummy. After its all in, throw that piece of shit in the oven for 30-35 minutes.

After its done, you got about 6 muffins that are chock full of fucking brotein and low in shitty fat. Each muffin averages about 90 calories, give or take. I ate one with some brown rice and sweet potato. I put the rest in sandwich baggies in the fridge for me to enjoy at work tomorrow.

Guys, I'm telling you I don't even like egg and, though it looks eggy, you can barely taste it. Instead you has a blast of flavor that bends your tongue over and rapes its tight little asshole.

By the way, you're welcome.

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Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2015-04-06 10:04:46 EDT (#)

Skrappy's Famous Pussy Strips

2 lbs fresh Bear
A lot of chili powder
A lot of garlic powder
A fair bit of cum
A smaller bit of ass
Same amount of black pepper
A box of cheap red wine
Extra Virgin olive oil (heavy on the VIRGIN)
A bunch of Hickory chips.
A few sprigs of rosemary.
A meat tenderizer (use a hammer, then a fork)
Bear was 17 years old, so that's some tough pussy! You've got to tenderize the meat like it pissed you off. You cannot slam the living (dead) shit out of it too much. It's a goddamn cat, for fuck's sake. Wail on that sumbitch!!! Then stab the motherfucker like there's no tomorrow!!
Which, in Bear's case, is true!
-Season with half the spice and all of the cum.
-Place in litter box and cover with the entire box of cheap red wine.
-Cover and place in the refrigerator for 2-3 days (tenderizing and marinating in cheap red wine will break down the connective tissue and bring out the litter taste).
-Cry like a bitch on uber while you wait
-Place the old marinade in the water pan of the smoker with water. Jack off in the pan, mix to taste.
-Cut Bear into 1/4"-wide strips
-Drizzle VIRGIN olive oil and remaining spices onto Bear strips. Coat uniformly.
-Place on the smoker trays, place trays in smoker.
-Heat smoker and add Hickory chips/rosemary sprigs regularly until smoker interior temp has been 180F for at least 20 minutes. Do not allow temp to exceed 200F!
-Remove from smoker, enjoy that shit!

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2015-04-06 09:41:40 EDT (#)

So your neighbor just got back from taking his boat out for the first time in like 4 years, and he called you to tell you he's got WAY too many mackerel in the hold so would you like some, and you said 'hells yeah!' and went over to get some, and he loaded you up with a goddamn 3 footer, and only then did you recall that mackerel is like tuna in that it doesn't freeze well so what the hell are you going to do with the 6 pounds of mackerel steaks you've got in that bag which you have to cook basically today? The answer is: you're going to do this...

Boil water in a big pot with a bunch of soy sauce, garlic powder, onion powder, and Old Bay.

When it's at a rolling boil, put in the mackerel steaks. Once it boils again, turn down the heat and boil for 10 minutes. Turn off the heat and remove the lid of the pot. Let it cool until you can touch the pot side without pain.

Remove the steaks. The meat will be easily removable from the bones. Flake the meat into a large bowl, discarding skin/bones/fat/anything else you don't want to eat. It will be messy, but you can deal.

Coarse chop jalpeño, green onion, sweet onion, garlic, and whatever colorful peppers you've got left over from the recipe below. Squeeze a lime over the veggies.

Put 80% fish and 20% veggies in the food processor and pureé. Put the resultant paste in a large bowl. Repeat until you're out of fish and veggies.

Mix equal parts cream cheese and sour cream with some Vidalia Onion salad dressing into the fish/veggie paste until it's creamy and smooth. Add Old Bay and salt to taste.

You now have 8 pounds of Mackerel Dip in a big bowl. Chill it in the fridge before you serve. What you don't take out by the pool and eat on saltine crackers with maybe a drop or two of Frank's Red Hot or Dave's Insanity, you can spoon into ziplock bags, squeeze out all the air, and (since it's cooked now) freeze for later. Thaw in the fridge or by immersing the ziplock bag in tepid water for a while, never in the microwave.

Note: Save some of the boiling water - what you've got there is awesome fish broth.

De nada, mi amigos.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2015-04-06 00:50:30 EDT (#)

Coarse chop seedless cukes, red/orange/yellow/green bell peppers, green onion. Toss in olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Chill in fridge 1 hr.

Slice zucchini lengthwise into 6 pieces. Toss in olive oil, salt, and pepper.

Slice lemon and sweet onion into 1/2 inch thick rounds. Sprinkle with kosher salt.

Rub salmon fillets with olive oil. Dust with Old Bay.

Saute finely chopped garlic in butter. Add a bit of lime juice. Stir in flour to make very thin roux.

Grill zucchini , onion, and lemon over high heat, move to warm part of grill.

Grill salmon 3 min on high meat side down (until it doesn't stick to grill grid), then lower heat to medium and flip. Cook 5-7 min skin side down until skin is crispy.

Plate chilled peppers/cuke, top with salmon, drizzle roux, add zucchini to plate side.


Delicious, healthy, easy, and minimal cleanup.

You are welcome.

Submitted by Mr T pities jonnytexmex the old child toucher at 2015-03-29 13:38:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by T wants more at 2015-03-29 13:31:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by DaBeast at 2015-01-06 20:10:33 EST (#)

Death is something everybody has in common. It'll get you, sooner or later. Since that's an inevitable, there's no way in all that's holy or hell that I'm gonna eat ground chicken. BEEF, man! Are your testicles in your momma's purse? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEF!

Submitted by OathMeal at 2015-01-06 15:23:22 EST (#)


Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2015-01-06 14:48:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

WTF Im not eating all that.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2015-01-06 10:54:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by OathMeal at 2015-01-06 10:50:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by FALLEN at 2015-01-06 08:43:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

so basically you made muffin shaped, chicken meatloafs.

using Myfitnesspal.com this works out to
139 cal each
7 gram fat
143 mg cholesterol
340 mg sodium
237 mg potassium
1 g carbohydrate
18 g protein


Submitted by OathMeal at 2015-01-06 00:37:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I am making this and if it tastes like shit I'm putting a hit out on your bitch ass.

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2015-01-05 23:48:59 EST (#)
Rating: -2

stfu pussy

A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

-- Homer Simpson
Lisa the Greek