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Let's Write a Letter to My Insurance Company!

Submitted by Flack at 2014-12-08 16:20:12 EST
Rating: 1.0 on 15 ratings (21 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

So my insurance company is kinda pissing me off. They are trying to raise my rates because of a comprehensive claim I made last year. I called them and told them to go fuck themselves and now will be switching car insurance companies (where I'll get an even cheaper rate and deductible then had before).

So I figured maybe Ubersite would want to help me with the letter informing them of my decision to switch insurance companies. Everyone gets TWO sentences to add to the letter. Make it as vulgar, racist, sexist, misogynistic, dry or inane as you would like.

NO VIOLENT THREATS!!!!! (I don't want to go to jail).

I'll start.




To Whom it may Concern,

This e-mail is to inform you that I will be canceling my Auto Insurance with Allstate. In 2013, I filed a comp claim for a small scratch on my front passenger side door, paid the deductible, and a year later you have decided to raise my rates for no particular reason other than you are a bunch of assholes.





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Submitted by skrapmetal at 2014-12-15 15:35:14 EST (#)

If you can manage it, you can get a Surety Bond that will (in most States) exempt you from having to keep current car insurance. Get the Bond, provide it's details to the State, and you'll get a Certificate of Financial Responsibility which you carry like an insurance card. In FL it's cheaper than car insurance if you've got cash/good credit and don't mind hiring a lawyer if you need to sue or are getting sued after the crash (which is the "fiduciary responsibility" function of the InsCo contract you signed if you're paying them).

Not buying car insurance: another way for the rich to get richer.

Submitted by Loren at 2014-12-14 12:49:33 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Allstate raped me repetitively when I used them. I've been w/Geico for years, and though I haven't had a claim other than glass for almost 20 years, I'm happy w/them.
Allstate should NOT have raised your rates, contrary to what FATMAN says. For one reason - the value of your car has depreciated over the last year. At the very least, they should have left it as is. They'd still break even or be ahead in the long run.
Good luck.

Submitted by FATMANTPK at 2014-12-12 22:12:28 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Dear Insurance Company,

I filed a claim that you paid. That means I did not pay the full cost of the repair. You raised my rates. That is how the insurance business works. I don't like it so I am going to whine, stomp my feet, take my ball and go home.

Submitted by Dervel at 2014-12-11 07:58:01 EST (#)

Darling fascist bully-boy. Give me some more money, you bastard. May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman. Neil.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2014-12-10 11:07:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Have you attempted to call them up, and inform them you're leaving due to their actions? If you do so, they may provide you with a counter-offer that is better than you're getting by leaving.

I'm not saying they don't deserve to be left, all insurance companies are shitty, and all will attempt to screw you over if it provides them a profit. As all companies are equal(ly shitty), see if you can start a bidding war between them to provide the best services for yourself, just make sure you get it in writing before you commit to anything.

Submitted by DaBeast at 2014-12-09 21:15:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2


I would frame that letter and display it proudly!

Submitted by Darth_Famine at 2014-12-09 21:06:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

In conclusion Please take a moment to reflect on the enclosed photo of my naked hairy ass.
(enclose a great shot, cheeks spread, maximum eye to browneye contact)
Sincerely

Your friends at Ubersite

Submitted by Flack at 2014-12-09 20:05:20 EST (#)

NOW WITH EDITS!

To Whom it may Concern,

This e-mail is to inform you that I will be canceling my Auto Insurance with Allstate. In 2013, I filed a comp claim for a small scratch on my front passenger side door, paid the deductible, and a year later you have decided to raise my rates for no particular reason other than you are a bunch of assholes.
What I mean when I claim that you are a bunch of assholes is not that your company is filled with people that possess assholes. What I mean is if your company were an organism that it would have been created entirely from assholes, a Frankenasshole, if you will, lumbering mindlessly about while trying to force the asshole that most approximates the position of a mouth on other, superior organisms, trying to fart out the only word that makes you happy: money. That you can actually manage to fart things that sound like actual words is astonishing in the extreme and it proves that your organism is not only an abomination but also that it is the harbinger of the Apocalypse. The Horseman of Asshole, riding on a pony crafted entirely of limp, useless dicks, come to suck all of the money that it possibly can into its large, gaping asshole, conveniently situated on its posterior where the Dick Saddle on the Limp Dick Pony can keep the Horseman of Asshole seated properly. There are no words vile enough, strong enough, vindictive enough for me to convey the entirety of my outrage but, rest assured, I will use every ounce of my being to summon the vitriol necessary to convey how upset you have made me to every single person that I can get to stand still long enough to listen. This is the Internet age, Frankenasshole. Believe me when I tell you that I can get EVERYONE to stand still long enough to listen.
"You're in Good Hands, with Douchebags"
Now, I understand that your company is a addicted to profit like a truckstop whore is addicted to crank, but for that I'll still not grant you license to rape my budget like so many of your secretaries have been undoubtedly raped by your sales staff.

Submitted by Flack at 2014-12-09 20:05:14 EST (#)


It would please me greatly to know that you will print out this letter and post it up on the break room refrigerator, so that all the fat, sorry sots who pitifully toil for Allstate know that their feelings about your company are not in isolation.
I shall relate my experience with your company fervently, and with great gusto, to anyone who will (or won't) listen from now until my death (or Allstate's buyout by Progressive) to ensure that every single time anyone anywhere ever thinks of Allstate Insurance, it is me and my foamy-mouthed psychotic street corner tirade they picture (such that "Allstate" and "Psychotic homeless street demon with Ebola" become interchangeable in the minds of the American public). You, your agency, Allstate, and the insurance industry in general, are nothing but parasites on the otherwise healthy body of the economy, drawing blood and nourishment from your host (me) while offering nothing but noticeable discomfort at the site you've latched on to (my wallet) until the time comes that I actually could use some aspect of your dangling money-engorged carcass as a shield from some other predator, when, instead of helping, you just take a bigger bite of my flesh and then berate me for not having enough blood left to satisfy your thirst.
Fuck you, fuck everybody that looks like you, fuck your dog, fuck your cat, fuck your mom, fuck your dad, fuck your entire lineage back to the first protozoa, fuck the process of insurance, fuck the industry of insurance, fuck the concept of insurance, and fuck the Anasasi for prehistorically sparking the development of proto-human forebears into upright-walking large-brained tool-making sentient beings who one day ended up selling insurance. You smell.
As we all know, Allstate is for stupid people. Look at your fucking ad with the lit grill getting locked in an SUV with a gallon of lighter fluid, I mean really, who sees that and identifies with it enough to be like YES I need this company's services.
You shouldn't be allowed to drive. You're a stupid fucking pussy and one of the main reasons we lost Afghanistan. Also, please feel free to fist yourself with Hulk hands as that is about as close to "good hands" as you puss dripping cunts will ever get.
Respectfully,
Flack
PS: Smoke weed muh nigga.

Submitted by Tyrone at 2014-12-09 19:50:14 EST (#)
Rating: 0

PS: Smoke weed muh nigga

Submitted by DaBeast at 2014-12-09 14:28:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Hey, Flack - don't forget to post the finished letter so we can all read it!

Submitted by Hadooken at 2014-12-09 11:31:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Please feel free to fist yourself with Hulk hands. That is about as close to "good hands" as you puss dripping cunts will ever get.

Submitted by DaBeast at 2014-12-09 11:04:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2


What I mean when I claim that you are a bunch of assholes is not that your company is filled with people that possess assholes. What I mean is if your company were an organism that it would have been created entirely from assholes, a Frankenasshole, if you will, lumbering mindlessly about while trying to force the asshole that most approximates the position of a mouth on other, superior organisms, trying to fart out the only word that makes you happy: money. That you can actually manage to fart things that sound like actual words is astonishing in the extreme and it proves that your organism is not only an abomination but also that it is the harbinger of the Apocalypse. The Horseman of Asshole, riding on a pony crafted entirely of limp, useless dicks, come to suck all of the money that it possibly can into its large, gaping asshole, conveniently situated on its posterior where the Dick Saddle on the Limp Dick Pony can keep the Horseman of Asshole seated properly. There are no words vile enough, strong enough, vindictive enough for me to convey the entirety of my outrage but, rest assured, I will use every ounce of my being to summon the vitriol necessary to convey how upset you have made me to every single person that I can get to stand still long enough to listen. This is the Internet age, Frankenasshole. Believe me when I tell you that I can get EVERYONE to stand still long enough to listen.

Submitted by OathMeal at 2014-12-08 22:36:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

...and fag 3 below.

Submitted by OathMeal at 2014-12-08 22:35:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

What class, below.

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2014-12-08 22:13:14 EST (#)
Rating: -2

you're a stupid fucking pussy and one of the main reasons we lost afghanistan

Submitted by Shlongy at 2014-12-08 21:29:36 EST (#)

You shouldn't be allowed to drive.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2014-12-08 20:46:14 EST (#)

Allstate is for stupid people. Look at your fucking ad with the lit grill getting locked in an SUV with a gallon of lighter fluid, I mean really, who sees that and identifies with it enough to be like YES I need this company's services.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2014-12-08 19:53:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I shall relate my experience with your company fervently and with great gusto to anyone who will (or won't) listen form now until my death or Allstate's buyout by Progressive to ensure that every single time anyone anywhere ever thinks of Allstate Insurance it is me and my foamy-mouthed psychotic streetcorner tirade they picture, such that "Allstate" and "Psychotic homeless street demon with Ebola" become interchangeable in the minds of the American public. The insurance industry in general, Allstate, your agency, and you in particular are nothing but parasites on the otherwise healthy body of the economy, drawing blood and nourishment from your host (me) while offering nothing but noticeable discomfort at the site you've latched on to (my wallet) until the time comes that I actually could use some aspect of your dangling money-engorged carcass as a shield from some other predator, when, instead of helping, you just take a bigger bite of my flesh and then berate me for not having enough blood left to satisfy your thirst. Fuck you, fuck everybody that looks like you, fuck your dog, fuck your cat, fuck your mom, fuck your dad, fuck your entire lineage back to the first protozoa, fuck the process of insurance, fuck the industry of insurance, fuck the concept of insurance, and fuck the Anasasi for prehistorically sparking the development of proto-human forebears into upright-walking large-brained tool-making sentient beings who one day ended up selling insurance. You smell.




I know it's three sentences, but whatever. There's only so many commas even I can use.

Submitted by OathMeal at 2014-12-08 17:53:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Now, I understand that your company is a addicted to profit like a truckstop whore is addicted to crank, but for that I'll still not grant you license to rape my budget like so many of your secretaries have been undoubtedly raped by your sales staff.

It would please me greatly to know that you will print out this letter and post it up on the break room refrigerator, so that all the fat, sorry sots who pitifully toil for [XXXXXXXXXX] know that their feelings about your company are not in isolation."

Submitted by JonnyX at 2014-12-08 17:02:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"You're in Good Hands, with Douchebags"


Homer: You know what?

Grampa: What?

Homer: We're both screw-ups.

Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy