I have a new thumbprint!Submitted by ilikesteak at 2014-02-10 00:23:45 EST
Rating: 1.5 on 11 ratings (18 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
It's something I always wanted. I always thought the idea was cool. The ability to touch something without leaving a trace was just kind of epic.
I remember in school they took our fingerprints when we were really young. I thought it was cool then, because we all got to leave a super boring english class, and I got to keep my prints. Later I figured out that this was part of a massive government tracking system. I was a paranoid kid. As it turns out, I was completely right about everything.
Fast forward to last year. I was making some carrot soup. I'm awesome at soup. Ask anyone. One of the things I'm super big on is having a consistent cut, because it gives an even cook time. I didn't want one bite to be way too soft and another bite to still be raw. This brings me to the ultimate tool for making consistent cuts.
The mandoline slicer. Two seperated plates of adjustably spaced height, with an insanely sharp blade on the high plate. You run the vegetable along the low plate, into the high plate. The blade cuts the vegetable and the forward motion is enough to allow the carrot to drop through the space between the blades. Hot knives slicing through butter have more resistance than this blade.
Everyone knows where this is going. I cut the tip of my thumb off. After making sure that I had health insurance, I pressed the bit of thumb to where it was supposed to go, made a call, and went to the hospital.
You know what really speeds up being admitted in the Emergency Room? Accidental amputations. You know how you can tell your medical staff are good people? They can laugh at jokes about mandolines being dangerous. "You could lose a finger with one of those things." In a feat of crazy focus, both the surgeon and I had to try not laughing at the crazy drunk/drugged guy shouting at his police escorts after he fell out of a tree during a "domestic disturbance." Cutting off part of a finger didn't hurt at all, but those needles sting like a motherfucker, and stitches directly into a not quite numb enough thumb were less than fun.
Paid my copay, and went for tacos. It was taco tuesday, and I have a weakness for cheap tacos. I was not given any form of pain medication. It occurs to me that if I wanted drugs, I should have lied and said it hurt. I was left to figure out how to be left handed for a while, and they suggested that I take a break from playing the guitar.
Fast forward to right now. The stitches worked. Kind of. I got to keep the tip of my thumb, but its only at about 85% sensitivity, and that's improving. If the knife wasn't as sharp as it was, the cut wouldn't have been clean enough to repair, and I'd have a weird flat spot on my thumb. Now I have a line in my thumb, and the cut side is slowly growing back a thumbprint.
(I didn't finish making the soup. Everything sat out way too long, and it would have had that "cannibal" feel to it. Everybody knows once you start eating people, you can't stop. I have since used the mandoline, but my new safety measures are bordering on silly. It didn't come with a guard of any kind, even though it said it did on the box.)
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