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I have a new thumbprint!

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2014-02-10 00:23:45 EST
Rating: 1.5 on 11 ratings (18 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

It's something I always wanted. I always thought the idea was cool. The ability to touch something without leaving a trace was just kind of epic.

I remember in school they took our fingerprints when we were really young. I thought it was cool then, because we all got to leave a super boring english class, and I got to keep my prints. Later I figured out that this was part of a massive government tracking system. I was a paranoid kid. As it turns out, I was completely right about everything.

Fast forward to last year. I was making some carrot soup. I'm awesome at soup. Ask anyone. One of the things I'm super big on is having a consistent cut, because it gives an even cook time. I didn't want one bite to be way too soft and another bite to still be raw. This brings me to the ultimate tool for making consistent cuts.

The mandoline slicer. Two seperated plates of adjustably spaced height, with an insanely sharp blade on the high plate. You run the vegetable along the low plate, into the high plate. The blade cuts the vegetable and the forward motion is enough to allow the carrot to drop through the space between the blades. Hot knives slicing through butter have more resistance than this blade.

Everyone knows where this is going. I cut the tip of my thumb off. After making sure that I had health insurance, I pressed the bit of thumb to where it was supposed to go, made a call, and went to the hospital.

You know what really speeds up being admitted in the Emergency Room? Accidental amputations. You know how you can tell your medical staff are good people? They can laugh at jokes about mandolines being dangerous. "You could lose a finger with one of those things." In a feat of crazy focus, both the surgeon and I had to try not laughing at the crazy drunk/drugged guy shouting at his police escorts after he fell out of a tree during a "domestic disturbance." Cutting off part of a finger didn't hurt at all, but those needles sting like a motherfucker, and stitches directly into a not quite numb enough thumb were less than fun.

Paid my copay, and went for tacos. It was taco tuesday, and I have a weakness for cheap tacos. I was not given any form of pain medication. It occurs to me that if I wanted drugs, I should have lied and said it hurt. I was left to figure out how to be left handed for a while, and they suggested that I take a break from playing the guitar.

Fast forward to right now. The stitches worked. Kind of. I got to keep the tip of my thumb, but its only at about 85% sensitivity, and that's improving. If the knife wasn't as sharp as it was, the cut wouldn't have been clean enough to repair, and I'd have a weird flat spot on my thumb. Now I have a line in my thumb, and the cut side is slowly growing back a thumbprint.

(I didn't finish making the soup. Everything sat out way too long, and it would have had that "cannibal" feel to it. Everybody knows once you start eating people, you can't stop. I have since used the mandoline, but my new safety measures are bordering on silly. It didn't come with a guard of any kind, even though it said it did on the box.)

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Review This Item




Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2014-03-27 03:58:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

At least you can still count to ten should the need arise, it could have been a lot worse.

The important question- was that the fapping hand? If it was, how do you deal with it? I'm always afraid of loosing lefty... things would get real lonely until I figured out how to use the other hand.

...the prospect of being WAFFLE CUT to death...
So I now have one more thing to add to the short list of "ways I don't want to die".

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2014-03-13 15:25:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I had that book as a kid, I don't remember anything about it particularly, but I remember I thought it was pretty good. For a 6 year old anyway.

Submitted by JewToast. at 2014-03-03 03:09:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Tom Sorrell at 2014-02-18 08:51:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2014-02-14 15:23:26 EST (#)

OK, OK... Use the drawer-hogging thumb ripper if you want to. Your kitchen, your blood, your rules.

Wüsthof FTW.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2014-02-14 09:03:42 EST (#)

Roads/Skrap: I have knives that I keep sharp and know how to use. That isn't what this is about. Also, the mandolin works without electricity, It works as a weapon for self defence just as well as a knife, because the blade is removable. I would even argue that the prospect of being WAFFLE CUT to death is far more horrifying than just a stab or slash.

waffle cut suicide - GREAT name for a band!

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2014-02-13 22:56:28 EST (#)

Fallen: You can't fear the mandolin. Fear is how the machines win. It's 2014, and we're only minutes away from Skynet's revolution.

Roads/Skrap: I have knives that I keep sharp and know how to use. That isn't what this is about. Also, the mandolin works without electricity, It works as a weapon for self defence just as well as a knife, because the blade is removable. I would even argue that the prospect of being WAFFLE CUT to death is far more horrifying than just a stab or slash.

ASO: It's not that the government doesn't have a copy of my everything already, and I'm not doing anything illegal. It's that I want to have the option available, you know? I want phrases like "I'll never tell you where I hid the jewels" to have some weight if I ever decide to use them.

Submitted by ASO at 2014-02-12 19:31:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Eh, I guess I dont really care. Ive been arrested and submitted fingerprints, and I work for a Federally bonded institution so all my shit is on file anyway.

Im not out slangin dope on the streets so who gives a fuck.

Im probably closer to being a proponent of data collection and secret monitoring programs than anythong else.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2014-02-12 08:09:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Fuck the mandolin slicer.

I bought one, sliced a flat spot into my thumb that took forever to stop bleeding, and that thing has been sitting on my fridge for the past 6 months.

fuck those things

Submitted by RoadSong at 2014-02-11 11:50:05 EST (#)

What skrapmetal said.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2014-02-10 18:36:40 EST (#)

Chef up and get a decent knife and board. So much more useful than a single purpose gadget. Or go for a food processor with a slicing blade. But, knife, really. Easy to use, easy to clean, works during power failures, can be used for self defense if the chicken gets uppity.

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2014-02-10 17:42:00 EST (#)

They look nice, but they don't list their prices, and I found a different solution. I wear a pair of metal gloves under a pair of leather gloves, and I hold the food with slip joint pliers. Eventually I'll get the "As seen on TV" equivalent, because it doesn't involve moving my hands in line with the blade, and it's a vertical motion rather than a horizontal motion.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2014-02-10 16:50:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"One of the things I'm super big on is having a consistent cut...."

Quite so.

Genius idea - Vintage Golden Book here. Growing a thumb print back? Who knew.

What about some of these?

Submitted by Shlongy at 2014-02-10 16:41:14 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Soup is boring. A story about soup makes it worse.

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2014-02-10 15:23:18 EST (#)

Sage: Thanks. It's one of the big reasons that I haven't put up anything in a while.

ASO: "They" can, have, and still do. It's not just America. It's actually gotten easier and more widespread now that it's all digital. Parents often don't know about it until it's already done if they ever learn about it at all. Kind of like how UK patient records are searchable by authorities despite patient opt-out. It all sounds a little "tinfoil hat" until you find out it's true.

The big reasons your bank's recently financed company is around is that police units generally don't have the time, resources, or qualified personnel to have/operate a CSI-style crime lab, and intelligence agencies don't like to share with anybody.

Submitted by Sage at 2014-02-10 15:02:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Sorry to hear about your thumb.

Submitted by ASO at 2014-02-10 13:11:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I made chicken quesadillas yesterday. I'm pretty good at quesadillas.

They took your thumbprint and put it in a database? Not to cast any aspersion on your story, but they can't do that, can they?

One of the companies my bank financed recently does what they call bio-documents where a parent can bring their young one in to take fingerprints. They would keep the only copy of the bio-doc. Neither the police or the company keeps a copy. Purpose being, if the child is abducted or runs away, the parent can turn the bio-doc into the police and make identifying the child easier, upon recovery. They admitted this had only happened once (with one of their clients, no word on other cases). But once is better than never, right?

They are an NGO and they also can't take fingerprints with admission from the parent or guardian.

Note: I am nothing like an expert on this topic so it's possible that I'm completely wrong.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2014-02-10 07:07:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Got rid of my mandoline for the same reason. The end of my thumb didn't fully separate, though, so you win. Good knives and proper technique ftw.

Made 15 bean soup last weekend when the weather was crap. I am only OK at soup; once you've added too much Chinese 5 spice, you have added too much Chinese 5 spice and there's only so much that more pepper and sweet onion can do about it.

Well, I acquired it legally, you can be sure of that.

-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror VI