Sex I've had... and how I ruined it (15-25yrs)Submitted by Spam at 2014-01-26 19:12:13 EST
Rating: 1.95 on 25 ratings (28 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
“I Feel Dirty.”
Honest to god; Those were the first words I uttered after losing my virginity as a 15 year old. Michelle, The Great Deflowerer, had looked at me with a big proud smile and asked how I felt and, light-headed and slightly embarrassed, that was the first thing that came to my head.
Sure, it’s the sort of clichéd crap you hear people say in movies all the time nowadays, and maybe that’s why I said it, but genuinely, the whole experience was so crushingly awkward that all I wanted to do at that moment was get rid of her, have a shower and play Goldeneye 64 for as many hours as it took to forget the whole sordid affair.
It sounds like a horrible thing to say to somebody immediately after sex so on balance, I should tell you that earlier that day, she’d informed me that actually, she really fancied my older brother but thought he was out of her league so she’d settled for me as some sort of consolation prize. Nice.
She was right. He was way out of her league.
Sitting here, 16 years later, part of me wants to grab that confused kid and ruffle his hair, tell him that it gets better, easier. That maybe he’d be able to go for more than 30 seconds before finishing next time. But, looking back, that’d all be a horrible, horrible lie. For a while at least.
If I was really being honest with myself - my 15 year old self that is - I’d slap him the fuck around the face for all of the stupid things that he was going to do before, during and after sex.
But it’s hard enough having lived it really, god knows, I wouldn’t have wanted to know in advance.
My Age: 18
Situation: Drunken after-party. One night stand
We’ll start the list with the low point. Rock Bottom. The worst thing I have ever done. Told correctly, the story is hilarious. Told honestly, it’s hideous.
The first time I saw the movie ‘Road Trip’, I was grateful for two reasons. Reason one is Amy Smart in her skimpy red pants. Reason two reared its ugly head the moment I saw that enormous black chick shag the skinny guy; I knew then that for future storytelling, I would have a perfect way to describe Victoria. Sweet, black, pretty face, massively overweight.
In the pub anecdote version of the story, I stopped fucking Victoria halfway through because I’d started to sober up and realised how ugly she was. This isn’t true. For every person I’ve ever told that story to, I need two people to read this version to even out the horrific Karmic damage I’ve been doing to myself over the years.
Truth be told I stopped fucking her because I hadn’t sex since Michelle and my penis hadn’t been given enough use to erode away the unfortunate hair-trigger it came with. Nobody I knew had ever met Michelle so the fallout from her running around town announcing my lack of prowess to everybody who crossed her path was insignificant. Victoria was different though, people knew her, she could do damage.
Oh yeah, that’s how it works in my head by the way: As soon as I have sex with a women, she immediately begins the serious business of grading my performance and announcing it to anybody who will listen via the mythical female hive-mind: The Vagina Vine.
During peacetime my testicles are a democracy, like all good democracies they run by consensus and strive to maintain the status quo, with relative success. During times of war, however, emergency measures are taken and they elect a tyrannical leader. The One Sperm to Rule Them All.
So 10 seconds in, so to speak, I can already feel General Spermius, leader of my Ballsack Army, panicking. With scant experience of the horrors of war despite having been regularly drilled with twice daily exercises, he falls back to the only plan he knows. Without even taking a moment to survey the battlefield, he does his best Russell Crow impression, screams out “UNLEASH HELL!!” and spurs his rag-tag and confused troops forward for the premature (dis)charge.
I make the excuse that I need to go to the toilet, leap out of bed and bolt to the door.
I’m drunk, remember, so in the toilet the only plan I can come up with is to finish the job manually, go back to the bedroom and try and fill up my recovery time with other activities while Spermius conscripts a fresh batch of troops for the slaughter.
I ejaculate sadly and take a second to salute The Fallen as they drown in the porcelain bowl.
Back in bed I apologise and make a drastic decision. I can only think of one way to keep this going without her realising that my penis is now out of action for at least 15-20 minutes: I’m going to have to Go Down on Her.
It’s the first time in my fledgling career that I’ve attempted this high-tariff manoeuvre and I’m nervous at what’s entailed. However, every minute I’m cluelessly slobbering away down there like an epileptic dog gives me time to recover so to my mind, the plan is flawless.
I’m just sliding past the shapeless milkbags of her bloated tits when she realises what I’m doing.
“Don’t.” she says. “I don’t like that.”
I’ll be honest with you, I’m not prepared for her response.
Unable to fuck and unwilling to explain the inexplicable, I come up with a hasty Plan B.
“Wait here. I’ll be right back”
I’d love to tell you that I spent the long walk home thinking about how horrible this must’ve been for her. How upsetting and confusing it was to have some dude bail silently halfway through sex like a mid-coital Tenchu ninja. But I can’t tell you that, because it’s a lie. Instead, all I think about is whether or not I can say to the guys on Monday that I Got Laid with any degree of honesty.
She was a sweet girl and had apparently been holding a torch for me for quite some time and I’d just… well… there aren’t the words really, are there?
I never see or hear from Victoria again. Thankfully.
My Age: 22
Situation: Meet in Pub. Back to mine. Drunken one night stand.
Jess is a simple story. A handful of sideshows aside, I’ve been single for a long time. Desperate for a relationship, I ask her: “When will I see you again?”
Problem being I ask during sex.
“Erm… Do you want to get this part out the way first?”
Out The Way, that’s how she says it. I don’t pick up on it at the time, however.
Spermius gets it though, and he’s already giving the good news to the troops: ‘Stand down, Stand down. No invasion today lads’.
I continue for a few futile thrusts nonetheless but the nagging sensation continues.
“It’s just that I really like you and this sort of thing doesn’t normally happen to me and I was wondering what happens tomorrow”
Jesus Christ, it must have been like having sex with Woody Allen.
“For fuck’s sake dude, Now is not the time to be having this conversation.”
I attempt to continue but she’s having none of it.
“Arrrgh…” she exclaims, frustrated, “You’ve fucking ruined it now.”
She pushes me off her and starts to get dressed. I make no move to stop her as she leaves.
Instead, head bowed, I silently make my way to the Porcelain Alter to sacrifice another batch of my poor boys for The Cause.
Name: Nikki (part one)
My Age: 24
Situation: Endgame following months of work-based flirting. Morning after work party. We are both in bed after having passed out too drunk to fuck the previous night.
My best friend and famed military leader, Bobby, slept with Nikki a few months before. He says she’ll be good for me, an easy campaign to give the troops a taste for battle and a much needed morale boost.
She rolls over and gives me a good morning kiss before telling me that it’s time for her to leave. But fuck that, I’ve come way too far already to have this slip away at the last moment. So I go balls out:
“No. We’re having sex first. I’m not missing this opportunity.”
She pauses uncertainly at my brazenness before her face breaks out into a grin.
“Check you out, being all demanding and shit.”
She straddles me anyway and starts to rub her pussy up and down my cock to get it hard. It doesn’t take much. Just as she’s about to ease herself onto me, a thought strikes me and I start to rummage in a bedside drawer.
I come out with a Durex and when she notices it she chuckles slightly, which I think is odd. So I attempt an explanation:
“You forget,” I say with a smile, “I know where you’ve been.”
You may laugh.
General Spermius shakes his head sadly.
Nikki is content with a slap to the face.
I make my way to the bathroom for The Ritual while The General prepares a fresh platoon.
Name: Nikki (part two)
My Age: 24
Situation: Somehow I recovered and a couple of months later, Nikki and I are fuck buddies. Joy.
Nikki is bouncing up and down on my cock with a joyless kind of mechanical abandon that gets the job done quickly and efficiently. The General is a battle hardened veteran by now; One eyed, grizzled and campaign-weary, he likes to absorb a cavalry charge or two before assaulting the gates.
All of a sudden, my phone starts to ring and its putting me off my stride so I scrabble around for it. As I fumble, Nikki ,who previously looked bored, frankly, starts to moan loudly and grind her hips into me with ever increasing urgency at each passing bar of my ringtone.
She’s on the very precipice of a bone juddering climax when my hand reaches phone and I hit the silence button.
She stops. Crestfallen.
“Aww… I thought you were going to answer it”
It takes a second for me to realise that, kinky bitch that she is, she was getting off on the thought of coming noisily while I was on the phone. To Bobby, of all people.
I’m at a bit of a loss as to how to recover.
“I can call him back if you want?”
“Fuck you Sam, that’s messed up.”
The General sighs as she dismounts. He knows what happens next.
My age: 25
Situation: Old work friend and smoke buddy. I’m leaving town and go round her house for a goodbye drink. It morphs into some heavy petting on her sofa.
“I can’t believe we’re doing this” she pants between breathless kisses.
There’s been a military coup and General Spermius has taken full control of the situation.
‘Just shut the fuck up and leave this one to me boss’ he says, ‘Christ know, you can’t be fucking trusted’
“Ummm” is all I say to Jules, taking heed of the new boss in town.
She slides onto the floor and before I know it her thong is off and her skirt hitched up around open legs.
“Fuck me Sam, come here and fuck me right now”
“ummm…” I say again.
Quicker than a striking cobra, my trousers are down and my cock is flack jacketed-up and combat ready in seconds.
“Oh fuck yes!” She says as I enter her.
“ummm” I say.
‘THIS IS THE BIG ONE FELLAS’ yells The General to his boys.
“Oh god, this is amazing!” She gasps
’DO YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVER?!’ he bellows.
“What you doooing?” sings a small voice from the corner of the room.
‘SOUND THE RETREAT! SOUND THE FUCKING RETREAT!’
It’s Jules’ 8 year-old son, he’s crept down half asleep and been watching my bare ass bob up and down over his mum for an undetermined period if time.
Jules goes from Slut to Mum so quick I expect her to be giving it some serious Usain Bolt afterwards. She takes him off to bed still half naked and assures him it’s all a dream.
Fucking Nightmare more like.
When she returns, I’m fully clothed and halfway to the door. She raises an eyebrow.
‘Fuck this noise boss, the troops don’t wanna know anymore. There’s nothing I can do - you’ve scared the life out of them.
“ I think I should go.”
“Ummm… Yeah.” Is all she says.
9 seconds is a bloody lifetme.jpg