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Daily superpower

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2013-09-15 20:20:28 EDT
Rating: 1.0 on 10 ratings (13 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Have you ever seen an actual superhero? I don't mean one of those fat farm guys who don't exercise and can somehow just lift a cow like it was a glass of water, or that Asian kid on Youtube that can stack cups faster than your eyes can track. I mean real and unexplainable supernatural ability.

I went to school for electrical engineering, and secured work as an electrical planner for a college friend's contracting company. Every time they need anything electrical done or get a contract for a new building, I get a phone call. It isn't exactly revolutionizing the modern world, but the pay is good. Because I live in a small town, everybody knows that I'm "good with technology" so I get phone calls from the locals about small work, and that I almost always take payment in trade.

The owner of my favorite bar gave me a call after the latest thunderstorm. A power surge fried his new jukebox, and he wanted to know if I could take a look at it because his insurance wouldn't cover it. My offer was that I'd do for a free two month tab. He agreed and I told him I'd be down this afternoon. I brought down my tools, ordered a drink, and opened the case. The speakers had blown out, several capacitors and resistors had been fried, and parts of the board had melted. I started testing everything to see what I could salvage and jury rig into working again before ordering replacement parts. I called him and told him to get a DJ in or run karaoke for tonight.

Edna Harris is 72 years old. She is my least favorite human on the planet. Aside from the normal small things that collectively add up to being judged as a terrible person, she still carries decades worth of institutionalized racism, blind nationalism, and a moral superiority that only comes from letting religion think for you over the course of a lifetime. She's the kind of person who pulls a full cart in the ten item or less lane, waits till the doors close in the elevator to fart, and invents new kinds of bigotry to cover for ignorance or inconvenience. As a point of reference, she makes the BNP seem open and accepting. She is, to the best of my knowledge, the planet's only superhuman.

She came in for lunch and as I was generally playing with a connection tester, she started talking to me. I try to be friendly, so I closed the machine and started talking to her, but when she got into the point of conversation where she was claiming that it was broken because it was made in Japan, my sarcastic remark was pre-interrupted by the lights, sounds, and overall working capacity of the clearly-should-be-dead jukebox.

Those capacitors were fried and anyone who has some experience with electronics will know that they smell of death after they burn out. I reopened the case to the smell of lemons, and it looked like it was delivered from the factory that day. I sat down at the bar and decided to find out more about this horrible woman. Nobody really liked her, and everyone seemed to be fairly willing to speculate and share.

Every detail of the major events of her life is suspicious, mostly based on how, who, and where I got the information from, but it's the closest to accurate I could find. She met her husband when she was 17, after his then girlfriend died in a car crash. They were married three weeks after high school graduation. Every time she wanted a bigger house or needed to make some opulent purchase to keep up with the neighbors, her husband had gotten a raise or a promotion, despite everyone who knew him having attested to his general worthlessness. It had been rumored that her husband had been cheating on her with a woman from work for years but she wouldn't give him a divorce, claiming it would ruin her reputation. Apparently she caught them in the act one day when she saw his car in the woman's driveway while out grocery shopping, and the neighbors called the police when the yelling got too loud. Edna was widowed at 35 because her husband died in a car crash the next week. Luckily she hit the lottery the week after her husband's life insurance money ran out.

It seems like over time, Edna's supernatural ability has weakened. She lives alone, and over time has driven away everyone who has tried to keep her company. Even stray cats avoid her house. Now her entire life is dedicated to making sure black people don't win the grand prize on "The Price Is Right."

This combines my love of charts and conspiracies.jpg
This combines my love of charts and conspiracies.jpg


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Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2013-10-13 13:23:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I would love to say i read this. But dinosaurs are mentioned on the graphic so +2

Submitted by The_Cyst_Master at 2013-10-11 18:53:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Dick hole.

Submitted by rob_berg at 2013-10-07 16:56:27 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

: )

Submitted by Shlongy at 2013-09-17 20:40:27 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Make that 8, below.

Submitted by Mr T pities jonnytexmex the old child toucher at 2013-09-16 13:57:10 EDT (#)

Mr T think published author aint such a big deal
maybe anyone can be a published author
even that crazy foo' sissyhiemer

Submitted by Mr T pities jonnytexmex the old child toucher at 2013-09-16 12:10:05 EDT (#)

That crazy foo' is a published author?

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2013-09-16 12:06:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by JonnyX at 2013-09-16 11:06:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Where's Brad Linzy when you need him?

Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-09-16 10:57:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

A good, long session of drunken fisting will set this old hag straight.

Submitted by McBain at 2013-09-16 09:43:19 EDT (#)

A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

-- Homer Simpson
Lisa the Greek

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2013-09-16 08:05:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by RoadSong at 2013-09-15 23:44:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Even stray cats avoid her house.


Plus
WildAss CHART!
Plus
Poots sighting below

Submitted by Poots at 2013-09-15 21:37:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

You should jam her in the butthole so that you can gain her powers.

I didn't worm my way through that, thing, you have at the bottom as I find them annoying.

Cheerio.

Chip chip.

Salsa.

Cheeseless macaroni.


Ding.

Dong.

Bye bye, Sir.


Homer: Well, the evening began at the Gentleman's Club, where we were
discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.

Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.

Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Ya
happy?

The Springfield Files