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Presidents are hated by the losing side all the time. The right hated Obama, the left hates Trump.
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The Birds and the Bees

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2013-03-04 20:17:44 EST
Rating: -0.25 on 4 ratings (10 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Last night was supposed to be a routine traffic stop. The lights flashed behind me, so I put on the four way lights and pull off to the side of the road to park.

I was going 7 over the limit, which is slow for that road.

I fumble inside the glove box for my registration and insurance papers while I'm waiting for him to get out of his car. I place them on the dashboard along with my driver's license and I put my hands back on the wheel. The radio is off, the dome lights in the car are on, and the window is rolled down.

I see him get out and take the slow walk up to the car. It isn't the local uniform, so it's got to be one of the state boys, and they're all worthless cunts. They just don't have any redeeming qualities. There's no point in trying to justify anything, so I'll just remain quiet the whole time. The basic plan is play dumb and fight everything in court. That was the plan.

We played the normal routine up to "License and registration." As I was handing him the paperwork, he pulled my arm. His hand went past mine, latched onto my wrist, and he tried to pull me out of the car. I don't know if it was my foot catching onto the seat belt or the door, but my foot caught on something and I dropped onto the ground hard.

I don't know if the boot to the face or the nightstick to the ribs was worse, but I do know that I lost more blood than a person is supposed to during a traffic stop. It couldn't have been more than three or four minutes, but it felt like longer. I think something is broken, but I know that I can't afford to find out, let alone pay to have it fixed.

I managed to crawl back into the car after he drove away. I don't know how I was able to drive back, but it couldn't have been pretty for anyone else driving the same road. I tried calling the police, but was warned that falsifying information and wasting police time was a criminal offense before they hung up on me.

And that is how babies are born.

The inside of your mothers anal cavity feels amazing..jpg
The inside of your mothers anal cavity feels amazing..jpg


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Submitted by PukingDog at 2013-03-08 14:26:32 EST (#)
Rating: -2

This story sucked complete shit. It was like reading a poem.

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2013-03-05 19:37:32 EST (#)

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2013-03-05 18:11:17 EST (#)

Wait, how could you have fallen to the ground if only the window was open?
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"His hand went past mine, latched onto my wrist, and he tried to pull me out of the car."

YOU MEAN THAT AN OPENING LARGE ENOUGH TO FIT THROUGH IS A POTENTIAL EXIT?

If the foot is caught on something, and you're past the point where you can maintain balance, gravity takes over, then your foot is the point which your body initially pivots on when you're falling.



Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2013-03-05 18:11:17 EST (#)

Wait, how could you have fallen to the ground if only the window was open?

Submitted by Shlongy at 2013-03-05 12:58:00 EST (#)
Rating: -2

I'M SURE THAT YOU DESERVED THE BEATING.

And even if you didn't, I love happy stories like this.

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2013-03-05 10:39:02 EST (#)

I love a long build to a single joke.

Submitted by Sage at 2013-03-05 10:18:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Did this really happen? Like, for serious?

All of y'all uber folks need to lay the fuck off the molly. You be talking cray cray.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2013-03-05 09:16:58 EST (#)

I wish for a turkey sandwich on rye bread with lettuce and mustard. And
-- and I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey
myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises -- you got it?

-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror II

Submitted by FALLEN at 2013-03-05 08:54:55 EST (#)

It feels like I missed something here.

Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-03-04 21:21:07 EST (#)
Rating: 1

wait...what?

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2013-03-04 20:24:43 EST (#)

Sex machine!


Homer: There couldn't be heaven if there weren't a hell.

Bart: Who's in there?

Homer: Oh, uh ... Hitler's dog. And that dog Nixon had, whassisname, um,
Chester ...

Lisa: Checkers.

Homer: Yeah! One of the Lassies is in there, too. The mean one -- the
one that mauled Jimmy.

Dog of Death