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Jake the NSFW pony (Or why I hate today's cartoons)

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2013-01-07 15:48:22 EST
Rating: -0.25 on 8 ratings (14 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

There's a subtle truth hidden away in the dark corners of the internet that most people will thankfully never be aware or depraved enough to notice. Those who don't possess the right kind of awareness will click away in horror and disgust, and those depraved enough to find it on their own are too preoccupied with their carnal need to fulfill their fetishistic lusts. That dark and hidden truth? There is only one horse which fulfills the needs of the entire horse porn community. Jake is the only pony on the internet who humans have sex with.

Think about it. Have you ever seen any other horse, or is it just the one brown one? TRICK QUESTION: Try answering "yes" without admitting to having watched horse porn.

Jake grew up on a fairly normal farm in California by the Nevada border. Jake didn't come from any special lineage, but grew up around people and was generally unaware of the world around him, content to let children ride on his back across the property.

The point where Jake's life becomes interesting is the day his owners had finalized their divorce. It wasn't working out, and neither person was who the other thought they were. It didn't end in tears or bloodshed, and though the decision was painful, he had given up custody of his daughter. She was young enough that eventually he wouldn't even be a faint memory after they moved away, in the hopes that it would be the best decision for her.

There's only so long that one man can support a farm, and eventually he parceled off parts of his land every few months to help him get by until he could find a new way to make a living. That way found him during a visit to a brothel just off the Nevada border. It was during a conversation with a new girl after their session. It started with the usual questions (How did you start, Do you actually like it, How long have you been doing this) and the planets aligned as the light bulb of brilliance flashed above his head. He asked about the strangest thing she's ever had requested, and she laughed for a second as she recalled how much she was paid to whip and urinate on a guy while his wife gave their golden retriever a blowjob. She told him that the more specific the fetish, the more she can make.

That's when he made the offer for a private showing. She would provide the clients, and they would each pay to watch her fuck Jake. Her clients were interested in a safe and secluded area to indulge their fetishes, and needed to avoid the risks of Mexico and the myth of donkey shows. Eventually clients would have special requests (specific acts, different people, various positions, private experimentation) and they would always be granted. By the time the internet came into the picture, they were living comfortably, but now they could live well.

They went dark for a long time after they had to cover up an accidental death. They could have stopped before it happened, but the money from new videos was too good to pass up, and Jake wasn't complaining. After that, traffic hit a major slowdown. People's fantasies suddenly felt too real, and there was suddenly a danger where before there was only size and mess. Money was still coming in, but after a move to the darker side of the internet to avoid legal trouble, it was just barely enough to keep going. They had lived well, but hadn't actually saved much.

The demand for live shows dropped completely after several brothels were shut down for drug trafficking. Those live shows were the staple of their business because they were also the bulk of their video content for the website. Subscriptions fell, members left, their videos were being stolen and uploaded for free on other sites, and money was an increasing concern.

The point of no return hit in late 2010. They weren't getting any private requests, and their traffic dropped to zero. For the first time in over a decade, more land had to be parceled off. It wasn't unclear why. The sudden influx of newer ponies had taken over. It didn't matter that they were vibrant technicolor cartoons. With cartoons, the most physically impossible and over exaggerated positions and actions were a few clicks away, perfectly safe from the legal and physical dangers of live sport.

It was August 2012 that the farmer had to let Jake go. Jake was an old horse who had been entirely responsible for keeping the farmer fed and clothed. Too old to sell, and to personal to just shoot behind a barn, the farmer drove Jake away from the farm, too far for Jake to remember how to get back. Jake was released in a pasture, hoping that the land owners would take pity and allow him to remain. The rest of the land and farm were sold, and Jake's owner moved away to start a new life. Jake starved to death on an uninhabited corner of that pasture.

Thanks bronies, you collectively managed to kill a real pony, which you could have actually had sex with.

Fuck every one of you. Especially pony cosplayers. Fun fact - unicorns are transvestites..jpg
Fuck every one of you. Especially pony cosplayers. Fun fact - unicorns are transvestites..jpg

Review This Item




Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2013-01-16 22:30:25 EST (#)


Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2013-01-14 13:45:50 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Something actually worth reading on Uber? Fucking hell.

Submitted by Anglophile at 2013-01-12 19:26:57 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2013-01-12 07:43:31 EST (#)

It's "America - FUCK YEAH!" and "Califoria Uber Alles". Get your pop culture references straight, below.

Submitted by asmasta808 at 2013-01-12 03:16:01 EST (#)
Rating: -2

california fuck yea!!

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2013-01-11 02:24:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I liked this immensely. It puts light on the fact that not all porn horses are lazy skanks trying to make money from perverts. They are just trying to make money any way they can because the world has fucked them. Poignant.

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2013-01-10 14:37:15 EST (#)

I'm glad somebody knows the reference.

Submitted by Ducky at 2013-01-10 06:58:19 EST (#)

Oh crack fox...

Submitted by RoadSong at 2013-01-09 00:53:20 EST (#)

A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

-- Homer Simpson

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2013-01-08 22:33:50 EST (#)
Rating: -2

berg below

Submitted by rob_berg at 2013-01-08 22:03:52 EST (#)
Rating: -2

: )

Submitted by FALLEN at 2013-01-08 09:14:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by ilikesteak at 2013-01-07 22:36:07 EST (#)

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2013-01-07 20:44:18 EST (#)
Rating: 1

What is this "porn" of which you speak?
Night time films for me in the night times, for the fuzzy tinkle times.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2013-01-07 20:44:18 EST (#)
Rating: 1

What is this "porn" of which you speak?

Coyote: Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide.

Homer: Hiya.

Coyote: There is a lesson you must learn.

Homer: If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead
of ya.

El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer