login / register
Presidents are hated by the losing side all the time. The right hated Obama, the left hates Trump.
Welcome to Ubersite!

I was going to write something, honest.

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2012-10-28 16:18:20 EDT
Rating: -0.15 on 7 ratings (11 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I was going to write a thing about a gradually increasing need for human augmentation to compensate for the effects of a massive injury which would normally render a person a vegetable. There was going to be this thing where eventually something goes wrong with the programming (I'd blame it on Vista) and he rises up against the scientists who saved him after they try using him as a display object. He'd eventually break down, maybe get a blue screen of death, and die. I'd probably have him kill a bunch of people first.

I stopped because it started to remind me of some horrible combination of the six million dollar man and Frankenstein's monster. It might be worth reading, but it wouldn't be worth writing.

For the last month I'd type something into the message box, lose motivation, and stop.

I've been bored lately, and when I get bored, I find new and interesting ways to make me laugh. Trolling Youtube and Twitter are too easy. Christian chat rooms? I may hold the world record for the fastest banning ever. Chatroulette and Omegle are short term, and lost their novelty quickly. Forums are endlessly predictable. Product reviews? One star of five. There's only so long I can defend the Time Cube guy, or really any section of mild/blind insanity and maintain any semblance of conviction. Webcomics are great, but I tend to read them in large groups when I discover them, and to know that I read a few years of someone's life work in less time than it takes me to make soup borders on depressing.

In case you were wondering, it takes me a long time to make soup. Here's an example:

Corn, Chicken and/or any other kind of meat, Carrots, Celery, Onions, Potatoes, Peppers, Rice or any other kind of noodle like product you want. Fuck it. It's your soup. Put whatever you want in it. It's the most generic soup description on the planet, but it works every time with whatever you want to throw in it.

Just to drop my cook time down from five hours, I've started using store broths. DO NOT USE STOCK. There is no excuse for using stock. Seriously, quit buying that shit. Since I usually end up with virtually no liquid to my soup because I never think that far ahead, where I'd normally use 64 oz, you should use 128 oz. Step one is get that to a boil. It's going to take forever, but trust me, do it.

You're going to add various green seasonings to the broth.

You're only using one deep pan and one large pot.

Cut and clean every vegetable. I like to have things cut around the length of a quarter (For those of you with silly international money, the euro or the pound will work as substitutes. If you're not using one of those forms of money, your country is a hilarious joke to the rest of the world, and you should move. Seriously, how did you get internet access?) You're going to cook the pan on between medium and low. The pot on high until you get a boil, backing it down to medium after that.

Carrots do not have the skin removed, just washed. I don't want to say "brown" the carrots, but you should do that. Carrots are going to go in the pan first with at most, a third of a cup of broth. Just after there's some color on the carrots, they're going to go right in the broth, and stay there until they learn why what they've done was wrong.

You're going to cook the vegetables in reverse order of how soon they'll break down in the soup. Carrots cook forever, onions last forever, corn holds up remarkably well, celery takes a while to break down, potatoes break down unless you cube them and crisp every side (you should)

Feather at least one, if not two onions. Seriously, look that shit up. It's the most fun way possible to cut an onion. You'll shed tears of joy from how awesome it is. Throw that in a pan with a little salt and cook it on low until they turn this Carmel color and start to stick together.

You cook every vegetable separately, and after they are cooked, let them rest away from the pan for two to five minutes before they are put into the pot.

Protip: Find weird colors of the vegetables you would normally use if you want the people you feed this to to think it tastes better than it normally would. The only time visual interest doesn't play a part in how people think your food tastes is in a blind taste study.

Eventually all your vegetables are going to be cooked and added to the pot, and it's time for the meat. Here's the point where paying attention is a good idea. 3/4 the way through cooking it, start your rice/noodle in the pot. Once it's 90% done, throw it in the pot and let the heat finish cooking it. It's not really that important that you're paying attention to my real instructions, it's that you've had a concentrated heat source on for quite a long time, and if you're like me you don't pay too close attention with a strong tendency to walk away and do other things, fully intending to come back and check on your soup, but forgetting entirely, thus ruining another pan and setting off the fire alarm again. Your kitchen and/or house may be on fire, and you should probably check on that.

This soup is the cure for everything. Colds, AIDS, chicken pox, the black plague, and infertility are all solved with this soup. If you fed it to The Edge, he'd go from a shit guitar player with a few delay pedals running around a stage like a total cunt as if he's got any level of talent responsible for the hyper-inflated success of his awful music, to approaching Eric Clapton after he got sober. He'll never approach Cream-era Clapton, Chet Atkins, Adrian Legg, or Dave Celentano.

Other than my constant obsession with science-ish things, music, building things, documentaries, tools, and cooking, I'm running out of internet to harass.

Essentially, the only thing left is to theorize how to start the revolution.

I need to find those glaseses that give a HUD to regular life..png
I need to find those glaseses that give a HUD to regular life..png

Review This Item




Submitted by Floyd Wooderson at 2012-11-28 03:08:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Just want to show my support for you.

Submitted by asmasta808 at 2012-11-23 12:39:23 EST (#)
Rating: -2


Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2012-11-23 08:15:40 EST (#)
Rating: -1

too much analysis.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-10-29 16:05:48 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Well, this was certain zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2012-10-29 09:39:58 EDT (#)

Homemade soup? WTFINRAT

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-10-29 03:25:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Other than my constant obsession with science-ish things, music, building things, documentaries, tools, and cooking, I'm running out of internet to harass.

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2012-10-28 22:35:59 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

skrappy makes his soup in the pool: http://tinyurl.com/skrappyslanaisoup

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-10-28 21:26:25 EDT (#)

If you live in a quasi-populated area in this day and age, there is no excuse for not using fresh vegetables. There is also no excuse for Starbucks, but I wasn't in the focus group when they were coming up with that idea.

If you can make a decent soup, you will do well in life. Not at all strange, but demonstrably true.

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2012-10-28 21:20:24 EDT (#)

I almost forgot! If you can, cook the corn on a grill. If you can't, slice it right off the cob. I don't even add it if I can't find it fresh.

I avoid canned vegetables at all costs when I make anything. There's something about fresh ingredients that tastes better, and it doesn't cost that much more.

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2012-10-28 21:16:52 EDT (#)

I follow the Bill Cosby school of thought when it comes to spices.

You're going to need a whole lot of spice to affect the taste, just looking at the actual volume of the soup. A few bay leaves are nice to look at, but you're really unlikely to be able to taste it. The broth itself gets flavored by everything as you add it, and it cooks down pretty well, and you really won't need any spice.

Mind you, I always add salt to taste at the end, and I'm a huge fan of adding pepper or sriracha to a soup, but when I'm happy with it, everyone is all "Why'd you make pepper soup?" so I just add it to mine in my bowl.

Submitted by Anglophile at 2012-10-28 19:16:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Meat, veggies, broth, and rice/pasta?

No spices? WTF?

Good chicken soup requires several spices.

Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I
thought it's be fun and exciting, like the movie `Spaceballs.' But
instead, it's been painful and disturbing, like the movie `Police

-- Homer Simpson
The Springfield Connection