It Took Me Less Than 24 Hours....Submitted by Flack at 2012-06-25 18:46:49 EDT
Rating: 1.78 on 14 ratings (21 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
..... To form an opinion of New Jersey.
First, I'll just come out with it: New Jersey is friggin lame. Its expensive, highly inefficient, and full of douchbags. The fact that I have to spend 18.50 on a burger and fries or the fact that I am, by law, not allowed to put fuel into my rental car myself (I have to have an employee of the gas station do it) is only the tip of the Iceberg.
Right now, I'm typing this from my hotel room in Princeton. Yes, THAT Princeton. James Madison, Ben Bernanke, David Patreus, Samuel Alito...PRINCETON.
Now I've come to find that there are four different types of people in this town. So let's discuss these guys first:
1. Ultra-rich Preppy Cardigan-wearing Asshole (UPCA): The UPCA is regarded as the lifeblood of Princeton. He is a legacy of Princeton in that every member of his family attended the school at some point in their lives. He is 19 yet drives a brand new Audi, lives in a gorgeous house just off campus complete with tennis court, swimming pool, and an enema machine that shoots champagne up his ass. He is quick to let you know that he is worth a shit ton of money, and will flaunt it by going downtown and telling any woman who will listen exactly how much his family's net worth is. He reeks of Polo, drinks Perrier water, and only wears the finest imported shirts, slacks, and shoes. Fuck your Haggar's..... this asshole only wears Gucci when he walks to the corner store.
2. "I'm Gonna Change The World With My M.S.W and Tight Jeans" Hipster Douche: While not as rich or as powerful as UPCA, his douchiness is unrivaled. I had the (dis)pleasure of meeting one of these specimens in a downtown brewery last night. He was bar tending. He proceeded to explain to me the process in which beer ferments. I told him I already understood the process, but that didn't stop him from continuing on with going into a convoluted, inane, and confusing diatribe about a relatively simple chemical reaction that anybody who ever read an article about beer would know about.
"So are you a student." he asks.
"No," I replied. "I'm here on business."
He then proceeds to tell me all about his research into the political and sociological aspects of
the welfare system and tells me that "after he earns his MSW, he's going to change the world." He wore a bright yellow fitted t-shirt and black jeans that were so tight, I wondered how he was able to pull his dick out to take a piss. For being an Ivy League student, I would bet that he is so clueless that he actually thinks the song "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People is a hipster anthem as opposed to being a song about a high school loser shooting up a bunch of hipsters (listen
to the song, seriously).
3. Roid-Rage Blowout-Hair Orange-Skinned Fist-Pumping Guido Dipshit: Guess what? The Jersey Shore is absolutely true! There really are retards like that in Jersey and I was able to see a couple in action at the aforementioned brewery last night. While sitting at the bar drinking a beer and
finishing my poutine, I heard a loud "What the fuck, dawg!" come from behind me. Turning around, I see this incredibly beefy dude with orange skin and spiky hair rising out of his seat to confront his counterpart across the table.
"I told you dawg, it's pronounced MARY-OH, not MAH-REE-OH."
I assumed that the other patron at his table had mispronounced his name, would apologize,
and squash the situation. WRONG!
"Man fuck you, Tomato- Tomahto, why you trippin?"
Well, Mario decided that this wasn't going to fly and proceeded to threaten the other Guido with menacing stance, a sinister glare, and an incredibly audible "I will fuck your day up." This was
quickly squashed when an equally idiotic female of the same species tried to break it up, at which point Mario and The Dude That Be Trippin' proceeded to call her a "ho" and then told her to "shut the fuck up."
4. The Chinese and European Students and Faculty: There's a shit ton of them. I've never seen more foreigners in one place in my entire life. Not Detroit or New York or Chicago can compare to the number of foreigners at Princeton. They are in the majority, which is sad because it shows just how fucking dumb Americans are. We can't even get into our own schools so instead, we fill those slots with foreigners. Not that there's anything wrong with foreigners. They're actually the only people in this town I can somewhat relate to. How fucked is that?
New Jersey is also home to Route 1. This Route is so packed with traffic that it literally took me 45 minutes to go from my hotel to my worksite. My worksite is 4 miles away. It also took me about a half hour to get back to my hotel earlier this afternoon.
New Jersey is a weird state. Its stuck in the middle between the ultra-sophistication of New York City and the ultra-fundamentalism of West Pennsylvania Mennonites. Go down 295 south and see Camden, the nastiest city in the United States. IT also smells horrible and
everything is so fucking expensive. I was recently in NYC and it doesn't even hold a candle to how expensive shit is in New Jersey. And its not even that nice. Yeah, the campus is nice, but thats it. Even the "nice" residential neighborhoods kinda look like Flint. You guys... I'm serial.
In conclusion, New Jersey sucks. I cannot imagine myself living here and I would suggest that you never visit the state unless you absolutely have to, and even then, try to stay in either New York or Pennsylvania at night. It makes you REALLY appreciate Detroit.
By the way, you're welcome.