Fucking Washing My DogSubmitted by Murphy1844 at 2012-05-09 17:34:28 EDT
Rating: 1.43 on 9 ratings (12 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
My dog, named Falcor, started stinking pretty bad. I only wash her like twice a year, and she started smelling like stinking dog. So I gave her a bath.
Here's a little background on this stinking dog: I got her from a pound, and she's some unknown mixed breed. Judging from her face and body, I'd guess she's like half German shepherd half lab or something. I don't really know. What I do know is that she's the dumbest dog I've ever encountered. I love her to death, don't get me wrong, but this dog is fantastically stupid. Examples:
We had some guy come over to clean our windows yesterday, and the faucet that he needed to plug his equipment in to didn't work, so I had to snake a hose around from the back yard. Falcor barked at the fucking hose.
We have a full length mirror in the dining area. After we installed it, Falcor fucking barked at her reflection.
When the window dude was cleaning the windows, I needed to run to the store to get some cigarettes. I was gone for maybe twenty twenty-five minutes and when I came back fucking Falcor jumped on me and yelped and whined and wagged her tail like I was returning from a month-long vacation in the Czech Republic.
This dog is retarded.
And I had to give her a damn bath, because she wreaked.
Yesterday, the day I gave this retard a bath, I'm like, "Falcor come here," and I patted my lap. She usually comes if I'm going outside or something, but this time she just stared at me like I was equally stupid. I said, "come on, girl" and she stared. I slapped my legs hard and lowered my voice and I was like, "come HERE." She came, with her head lowered. I think she may have been abused at this dog shelter thing we got her at. Anyway,
She came, and then she went to her little bed thing we have and laid down and stared at me. I'm like, "no, come here girl," and pointed at the ground below my feet. She didn't budge, so I eventually had to go over to her and grab the scruff of her neck and drag her to the shower.
She made a huge fuss, whining and making weird noises I'd never heard before like, "arrrhhh, arrrrh," and she laid on her back and pissed on the floor. She bared her teeth and nipped at my hands a couple times, so I basically pushed her with my feet in to the shower. After she was in the shower proper, she fucking froze still and I could see that she was looking for an escape route, so on my knees I blocked her retarded ass from escaping. Then I turned on the water and it made a little "shhhh" sound as it turned on.
I got her wet, starting with her back, and the second water touched her fur I noticed a little bubble forming and starting to expand. I thought, "what the fuck" and continued getting her wet, so I could get some doggie shampoo on her retarded ass and get her clean. More bubbles started forming where I got her wet, and they were getting bigger. I thought, "huh?"
Eventually her entire body was covered in these weird fur-covered bubble things, and I started to get scared. The first bubbles were expanding and making a noise like a balloon stretching to full volume like "eeeeeeeeee". I thought to myself 'fuck this' and loosed her from the bathroom. She did that dog shake thing and all these little bubbles fell off her and landed on the ground next to her. Then she came up to me and licked my hands.
Terrified, I just walked away and went up to my bedroom to take a nap and pretend like my dog didn't just shake off a bunch of fur-covered whatever the fuck they were.
When I woke up from my two-hour power nap, I went back downstairs and noticed little fucking Falcor puppies running all over the place. There must've been like twenty of them running all around. I'm like, "what the FUCK!"
I had no idea what to do, so I just laid out a bunch of dog food for all these new little animals, a huge bowl of water, then left the house and went to the bar to drink and think about things. That was a huge mistake, because I stayed at the bar until they cut me off at 2:10 AM, and then I came home all drunk and noticed that besides Falcor, there were twenty or so slimy cocoons like oozing and making weird sounds. I touched one before I got scared all over again and then I rubbed my fingers together to feel this weird slimy texture and then I came up to the computer room and started typing.
Something is going on downstairs as you read this. I don't know what, but I'm afraid. Please keep me safe, Ubersite. I beg you. PLEASE!