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What are Your Famous Bear Rape Preferences?

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2012-05-03 19:00:39 EDT
Rating: 1.56 on 17 ratings (22 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

My full day YESTERDAY revolved around this thought: Of all the famous bears, if they raped you, which ones would you be most and least bothered by?

*The bear doesn't have to be real, but the fictional bear does have to be in the social stock of common knowledge.

The example of a fictional bear you can use is Smokey Bear, an American cartoon bear which has been in printed advertizements, television commercials, songs, stickers, and children's books for more than fifty years. You don't necessarily need quite the impressive background, but the bear does have to be known fairly well.

The example of a fictional bear you can't use is the one which didn't read the storybook which Frankie Boyle didn't live in as a child, thus not actually risking his existence being ended by the closing of the book on an episode of "Would I Lie to You?" Despite its high viewer count that day, and the slight spread of the video on the internet, there isn't any continuity,


**The bear must be alive to rape you although it doesn't have to be currently alive. This rule forces the bear to be the focus of the rape, removing zombie rape (The issue would be that it's a zombie, not a zombie bear) and various forms of time travel (The issue would be an endless backward and forward frozen in time rape scenario, focusing the problem on time travel, as opposed to the bear)

I don't think I'd mind if Yogi Bear did it. He'd probably be drunk from stolen picnic basket wine and in a drunken haze confuse me with Cindy Bear. I don't think I could stop laughing if I heard Yogi Bear talk during sex. Take a few moments to imagine it, and try not to smile.


If would be nightmarish and almost surreal to have Yang Guang (To be referred to as Jeff Bridges), the panda from the Edinburgh zoo rape you. If you're raped by Jeff Bridges, it's clearly your fault. If Jeff Bridges refuses to mate the one time a year that he gets an opportunity, and he hate fucks you on a pile of bamboo, you did something wrong and Jeff Bridges is punishing you for it. Just hundreds of pounds of sexually repressed panda bearing down on you as it destroys the adorable cartoon/discovery channel "feel bad for the endangered species" ideal everybody keeps on a pedestal.

Your turn.


That's right princess.
That's right princess.


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Submitted by Average_Dan at 2012-05-24 22:25:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

There need not be a description on why this post is being rated +2. The title says it all.

I'll never look at whinnie the pooh the same again. Those cold, beady eyes cannot mask the hurt little baby bear cub living within IMO.

Submitted by Spam at 2012-05-11 13:26:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Danni Behr.

Submitted by Sage at 2012-05-04 16:01:08 EDT (#)

Submitted by FATMANTPK at 2012-05-04 12:59:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

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What if Ruxpin replaced his story tape with Barry White? Or, say...Nirvana?

**************

You might have had me on the Nirvana. But, I think it's the incessant/random blinking that would bother me most.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2012-05-04 14:08:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Pedo-bear I suppose. I figure as much raping as he does he should at least be good at it. If you're going to get it, may as well be by a pro I guess.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-05-04 13:56:49 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

Well, I added a point for the ad.

Submitted by MANICMOTHER at 2012-05-04 13:56:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by DeMoNiC at 2012-05-04 00:12:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

My, my... How this website has enticed the sexually depraved into the Uber-light and coaxed them to reveal their inner rape-by-bear fantasies to the world. Bravo.
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Excellent place isn't it.

Snuggles the fabric softener bear. He'll make you snuggly, huggably soft no matter how loud you scream.

Submitted by FATMANTPK at 2012-05-04 12:59:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by sage is fancy at 2012-05-04 09:10:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Ok so I didn't read the *entire* sentence.

Most bothered by Teddy Ruxpin, obvi 'cause he keeps blinking and reads to you during.

Least bothered by Smokey the Bear, because he's got a good head on his shoulders & seems more appropriate for me, age wise.


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What if Ruxpin replaced his story tape with Barry White? Or, say...Nirvana?

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2012-05-04 10:22:10 EDT (#)

Submitted by sage is fancy at 2012-05-04 09:10:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Ok so I didn't read the *entire* sentence.

Most bothered by Teddy Ruxpin, obvi 'cause he keeps blinking and reads to you during.

Least bothered by Smokey the Bear, because he's got a good head on his shoulders & seems more appropriate for me, age wise.

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Smokey Bear would be 68 this year. Even if he had a ten year lead on you, you'd still be too old to use the internet.

Submitted by Sage at 2012-05-04 09:10:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Ok so I didn't read the *entire* sentence.

Most bothered by Teddy Ruxpin, obvi 'cause he keeps blinking and reads to you during.

Least bothered by Smokey the Bear, because he's got a good head on his shoulders & seems more appropriate for me, age wise.


Submitted by Sage at 2012-05-04 09:08:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Teddy Ruxpin.

Only read the first sentence.

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2012-05-04 08:23:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hey! ..Bear fucker! ..do you need assistance?


Does Manbearpig count?

Questions posed regarding bears are pretty bosh in my book.

Submitted by Soyware at 2012-05-04 00:34:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Oh crap! I have but two days to find a poncho to wear with my sombrero so I can make light of Mexican stereotypes this Cinco de Mayo.

Also, through this whole post I could only picture that scene in Super Troopers where the cop yells "Hey, BEAR FUCKER!" into his microphone.

Submitted by DeMoNiC at 2012-05-04 00:12:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

My, my... How this website has enticed the sexually depraved into the Uber-light and coaxed them to reveal their inner rape-by-bear fantasies to the world. Bravo.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-05-03 23:54:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yes, I do want a fucking poncho

Submitted by Director at 2012-05-03 23:32:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by zxcvvcxz at 2012-05-03 20:23:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Bear rape is more appropriately called "brape".

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I'd be cool with getting assfucked by either Fozzie Bear (it would make his day, and that poor guy needs it) or Baloo, because that motherfucker is infectiously happy, and I need that.

Submitted by X54 at 2012-05-03 23:21:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I was going to say Winnie the pooh might not be so bad, but then SW pointed out what a twisted bastard that little fucker actually is. So I guess I dodged a bullet.

Submitted by DeMoNiC at 2012-05-03 20:28:38 EDT (#)

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Submitted by zxcvvcxz at 2012-05-03 20:23:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Bear rape is more appropriately called "brape".

Submitted by Chroniclysm at 2012-05-03 20:20:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Paddington rape or Rupert rape seem like you could walk away alive, so I guess I have to reluctantly go with those.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-05-03 20:01:26 EDT (#)

http://www.circusrosairemovie.com/images/upload/Pops%20w-Gentle%20Ben-Pam%20narrates.jpg

Gentle Ben would not rape you. He'd make you want it. He'd make you beg for it. He'd tease you with his tongue and subtle yet exhilarating paw work. The he'd give it to you, slowly at first as his name implies, but ever harder and faster until you cry out not in anguish but in sheer, unbridled ecstasy! And then he'd eat a couple salmon and and leave you, exhausted, sticky, and wanting more.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2012-05-03 19:30:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Okay, my worst nightmare would be for Winnie the Pooh to get his rape on. No one, including bears, is that laid back all the time without hiding some deep, dark secret. I'd wager that it manifests itself in the form of the most depraved, horrific sexual fetishes in the known universe. He has an addictive personality, as well. I imagine he'd probably lock you up in his dungeon and perform blood and bondage rituals on you for several days. Make no mistake, this would be a prolonged, multiple-event affair. Honey-heavy diets provide a lot of energy.

I'd guess I'd be cool if Paddington was to throw one to me, though Peruvian bears in real life are vicious bastards.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-05-03 19:30:00 EDT (#)

Bear rape- *sigh*
Better send Bart the grizz, I will fight unto death..seriously.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75O_JBfpX7I


Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.

-- Homer Simpson
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