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How To Scare the Shit Out of Your First Date

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2012-04-29 18:38:23 EDT
Rating: 1.29 on 27 ratings (34 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I subscribed to an online dating sort of thing, and met a guy. We talked for a short while through this dating website, and then I gave him my phone number. Then we chatted through text message for a short while before meeting in person. His name was Derek, and we met at a pool hall in the Hollywood district of Portland Oregon.

The pool hall was my idea, because if he bored me or it appeared that I bored him, I'd have an out. "Hey, wanna shoot some pool?" Then we could talk about how good I was at pool and how much he sucked. You see, I spent a few years of my life killing time in proper pool halls, not shitty bars with eight-foot tables. At a certain point, I owned my own cue and cleared nine ball tables. I know what I'm doing.

Derek was adorable. He was probably the sweetest man I've ever met. He smiled a lot, a sincere, open smile, and he seemed very shy. In fact, after we met, we sat at a table and he decided to order a rum and coke and an appetizer. Looking at the menu, he didn't say anything for a long time, and I'm like, "do you need my help?" I'm confident, and intense, and I know this. I suggested the salad or the Jalepeno poppers. He ordered the Jalepeno poppers. As we waited, he took a sip off his rum and coke and made a sort of disgusted look. I said, "is everything OK?" He said,

"Yeah, it's just a little strong as all." Listen: I'm a alcoholic, and I've never complained or made a face when a drink was strong. Strong drinks, to me, mean I'm spending less money to get drunk. Strike one.

We shot pool, I drank diet soda, and then we went to get some tea at this neat tea place down the street. In my car (he didn't feel comfortable driving after a single rum and coke strike two), I asked if he smoked cigarettes. He said no. I asked if he minded if I smoked in my car. He said sure. So I smoked with the windows rolled down, trying to be courteous and polite. A little while later I heard him let out a little sweet cough. I said, "is the smoke bothering you?" He said,

"No, I just got a bunch all at once." WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY! I finished my smoke and threw it out the window. Then I tried to find some music he might like. I thought to myself, 'what do gay men listen to?' Personally, I like anything Maynard does, including Tool, A Perfect Circle, and Puscifer. I also like some classical music, some electronic music, some metal, etc. Currently I'm playing some old-school Korn. I decided to play some electronic music and I played it at full volume, the only volume I listen to music at (unless I'm getting gas or something).

I've got a decent upgraded system in my car, with woofers and amps and all that, and my rear view mirror shakes when I play music. Judging from his posture, which sort of coiled in the passenger seat, I could see that he was uncomfortable. I said, "Is the music too loud?" He said,

"It's just that I can't hear anything else..." OH GOD FUCK ME. I actually turned the music down.

We had tea, and he seemed like an interesting enough guy. He was an atheist too, which we didn't really explore, but I could tell that he at least thought about life and was willing and able to make a stand on certain issues. There were frequent moments of awkward silence, and I quickly ran out of 'what should I ask if there's an awkward silence' questions. So we left, and I started to drive him back to his car.

Getting close to his car, I said: "Derek, listen. I can either turn right at this intersection and drop you off at your car, or I can turn left and we can find a dark ally and suck each other off." Hahaha. He said,

"Well, you're upfront aren't you?" I said,

"Yes." He didn't say anything, so I turned left. Turning left, I said, "I'm turning left," and tried to gauge his reaction. Ok, at this point I have no consent, so this could be rape in a law court. I needed consent from this timid, shy, sweet guy. I said, "are you cool with this?" He said,

"Yeah, I've had sex in a car before." CONSENT.

So we parked in a dark ally and sucked each other off. He could have been better, being a little toothy and not very confident, but it was alright.

The entire time, I left my engine running and Tool played softly in the background. Then I dropped him off. He said, "well, that was interesting."

Needless to say, we exchanged some text messages afterwards, and he absolutely has no interest in seeing me again. I think I scared the shit out of him.

Murphy


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Submitted by Dru M at 2015-07-15 13:45:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hot dogs! America! Baseball! Guns! Hot dogs! America! Baseball! Guns! Hot dogs! America! Baseball! Guns!

Submitted by JonnyX at 2015-07-15 11:18:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Wisher at 2012-05-23 18:51:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by HighatChurch at 2012-05-23 15:52:37 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

you sound like the kind of person i would never hang out with.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

You sound like the kind of person I would *love* to hang out with.


Submitted by HighatChurch at 2012-05-23 15:52:37 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

you sound like the kind of person i would never hang out with.

Submitted by Snypavat at 2012-05-12 07:44:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Wouldn't Prison Sex be more appropriate in this situation or is that reserved for butt sex in basements?

Submitted by Spam at 2012-05-12 05:29:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I had sex to Lateralus at the the tail end of a party while everybody else was sleeping. Wonderful night.

Submitted by Hsibaf at 2012-05-03 16:52:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Bubs at 2012-05-03 14:06:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

my bad

Submitted by Bubs at 2012-05-03 14:06:18 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

g@y

Submitted by X54 at 2012-05-02 23:22:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-04-30 10:04:35 PDT (#)
Rating: 1

You're gay.

This really doesn't work out as well as a Shlongy insult when you ARE really gay.
-----------
ha ha.

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2012-05-01 22:40:22 EDT (#)

What's up bud.

Submitted by poisonyourkids at 2012-05-01 17:13:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Murphy, glad you're still here man. 1844, year of the blue ribbon.

Submitted by DeMoNiC at 2012-05-01 08:42:35 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

This made a lot more sense after discovering that you're a gay. You should have warned everyone that what they were about to read qualifies as R rated faggot erotica.

Submitted by orphelia at 2012-05-01 08:31:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Sphagnum at 2012-05-01 06:22:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I took a shit on that faggot's dick before you blew him. Did it taste like Vindaloo? Because he did when I blew him

Submitted by FATMANTPK at 2012-04-30 16:08:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Did I miss the review with the terribly obvious "Attention Ghey Menz!"?


Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-04-30 13:04:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

You're gay.

This really doesn't work out as well as a Shlongy insult when you ARE really gay.

Submitted by Sage at 2012-04-30 11:52:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

After reading the comments, I was right. Yay! Again, neat.

Submitted by Sage at 2012-04-30 11:50:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

- I asked if he smoked cigarettes. He said no.

***********

Nevermind.

In other news, I can't decide whether or not this was a true story and written from your {male} perspective, or if this was fictional and written from a female perspective...I'm going with the former. I didn't know you were ghey.

Neat.



Submitted by Sage at 2012-04-30 11:46:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

His name was Derek, and we met at a pool hall in the Hollywood district of Portland Oregon.

************

Uh, are you dating my ex husband? Mother fucker.

Submitted by DaBeast at 2012-04-30 10:26:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2012-04-30 10:16:49 EDT (#)

True story: I just got finished having sex with The Freak. She looks up at me from the bed and says, "You know, being a cumdumpster doesn't pay very well, but it's more of a "perks" job." - complete with air quotes.

Oh yeah. She's a keeper.

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2012-04-30 10:13:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Director is right. Redskies is perfect for you.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2012-04-30 08:50:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I can't see how you scared him off, but he sounds like a weeping vagina, so you dodged a bullet there.

Submitted by ICO at 2012-04-30 08:35:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

First-post-I-read-since-returning-to-ubersite auto +2.

You just weren't each other types, I guess. I think I'd be more like him; I involuntarily scrunch my face after my first drink of the day.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-04-30 07:41:02 EDT (#)

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2012-04-30 00:31:49 EDT (#)

...In my view, it's mother nature's recognition that we already have enough people on the planet so she shits out people who don't care to make more people.
-----
I agree with your view on this, if by "enough" you mean "far, far too many".

Submitted by Director at 2012-04-30 07:01:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I don't really give a shit dude. Suck all the dick you want. Pork away, pal! Fuck him blue! In fact, I know a guy I can hook you up with. Redskieslookfake. That guy jams on cock the way I go down on a bowl of blue bell ice cream.

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2012-04-30 00:31:49 EDT (#)

Yes and yes. Gay people are everywhere. In my view, it's mother nature's recognition that we already have enough people on the planet so she shits out people who don't care to make more people.

Submitted by Director at 2012-04-30 00:13:48 EDT (#)

Wait...are you a dude...and...and he's a dude? I don't know what's going on. I'm frightened and confused. Make it go away, Mommy. MAKE THE PICTURE IN MY HEAD GO AWAY.

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2012-04-30 00:02:18 EDT (#)

...and kissed him on the cheek.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2012-04-29 20:33:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've actually gotten head to Eulogy before. It wasn't on a date and I didn't scare her away, but I find nothing wrong with what you did.

Choir boy just couldn't handle it. I wouldn't have been surprised if his mom still tucked him in at night.

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2012-04-29 20:05:26 EDT (#)

Hahaha, Wildman.

No I'm pretty sure I scared him. Imagine getting head to Eulogy if you're not used to that sort of thing.

Submitted by Chroniclysm at 2012-04-29 19:17:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Not sure you if you scared him or he was just kind of fucking lame.

Submitted by comicbookguy at 2012-04-29 18:57:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I wish I was gay


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let's smoke.

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