How To Scare the Shit Out of Your First DateSubmitted by Murphy1844 at 2012-04-29 18:38:23 EDT
Rating: 1.29 on 27 ratings (34 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
I subscribed to an online dating sort of thing, and met a guy. We talked for a short while through this dating website, and then I gave him my phone number. Then we chatted through text message for a short while before meeting in person. His name was Derek, and we met at a pool hall in the Hollywood district of Portland Oregon.
The pool hall was my idea, because if he bored me or it appeared that I bored him, I'd have an out. "Hey, wanna shoot some pool?" Then we could talk about how good I was at pool and how much he sucked. You see, I spent a few years of my life killing time in proper pool halls, not shitty bars with eight-foot tables. At a certain point, I owned my own cue and cleared nine ball tables. I know what I'm doing.
Derek was adorable. He was probably the sweetest man I've ever met. He smiled a lot, a sincere, open smile, and he seemed very shy. In fact, after we met, we sat at a table and he decided to order a rum and coke and an appetizer. Looking at the menu, he didn't say anything for a long time, and I'm like, "do you need my help?" I'm confident, and intense, and I know this. I suggested the salad or the Jalepeno poppers. He ordered the Jalepeno poppers. As we waited, he took a sip off his rum and coke and made a sort of disgusted look. I said, "is everything OK?" He said,
"Yeah, it's just a little strong as all." Listen: I'm a alcoholic, and I've never complained or made a face when a drink was strong. Strong drinks, to me, mean I'm spending less money to get drunk. Strike one.
We shot pool, I drank diet soda, and then we went to get some tea at this neat tea place down the street. In my car (he didn't feel comfortable driving after a single rum and coke strike two), I asked if he smoked cigarettes. He said no. I asked if he minded if I smoked in my car. He said sure. So I smoked with the windows rolled down, trying to be courteous and polite. A little while later I heard him let out a little sweet cough. I said, "is the smoke bothering you?" He said,
"No, I just got a bunch all at once." WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY! I finished my smoke and threw it out the window. Then I tried to find some music he might like. I thought to myself, 'what do gay men listen to?' Personally, I like anything Maynard does, including Tool, A Perfect Circle, and Puscifer. I also like some classical music, some electronic music, some metal, etc. Currently I'm playing some old-school Korn. I decided to play some electronic music and I played it at full volume, the only volume I listen to music at (unless I'm getting gas or something).
I've got a decent upgraded system in my car, with woofers and amps and all that, and my rear view mirror shakes when I play music. Judging from his posture, which sort of coiled in the passenger seat, I could see that he was uncomfortable. I said, "Is the music too loud?" He said,
"It's just that I can't hear anything else..." OH GOD FUCK ME. I actually turned the music down.
We had tea, and he seemed like an interesting enough guy. He was an atheist too, which we didn't really explore, but I could tell that he at least thought about life and was willing and able to make a stand on certain issues. There were frequent moments of awkward silence, and I quickly ran out of 'what should I ask if there's an awkward silence' questions. So we left, and I started to drive him back to his car.
Getting close to his car, I said: "Derek, listen. I can either turn right at this intersection and drop you off at your car, or I can turn left and we can find a dark ally and suck each other off." Hahaha. He said,
"Well, you're upfront aren't you?" I said,
"Yes." He didn't say anything, so I turned left. Turning left, I said, "I'm turning left," and tried to gauge his reaction. Ok, at this point I have no consent, so this could be rape in a law court. I needed consent from this timid, shy, sweet guy. I said, "are you cool with this?" He said,
"Yeah, I've had sex in a car before." CONSENT.
So we parked in a dark ally and sucked each other off. He could have been better, being a little toothy and not very confident, but it was alright.
The entire time, I left my engine running and Tool played softly in the background. Then I dropped him off. He said, "well, that was interesting."
Needless to say, we exchanged some text messages afterwards, and he absolutely has no interest in seeing me again. I think I scared the shit out of him.