login / register
Wait.. how did you soulless fuckers lure me into a feud with blackbear? Damn it.
Welcome to Ubersite!

Quickest Way To Lose Confidence

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2012-04-21 18:16:44 EDT
Rating: 0.9 on 15 ratings (20 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I scored a date online, and needed to buy some new clothes. This post is about buying new clothes, although I’ll say something about the date in a later post.

I’m a pretty simple guy… I just wanted some better tailored pants and maybe a new shirt. The only places I really shop are Fred Meyer and Old Navy. I’ve tried the whole mall and strip outlet shopping thing but everything seems overpriced. I don’t know what brands are supposed to “mean” (if they’re supposed to mean anything, that is), and I’m just clumsy when it comes to fashion. To compensate for this, I choose simple, solid colors, and focus on fit rather than style.

I went to Old Navy and selected a few pairs of jeans to try on in the fitting room. One fit very well, so I selected that pair, along with a cool looking striped shirt that I saw on one of their mannequins.

Waiting in line, I tried to breathe. I’m trying to stay in the present moment and accept reality as it is, and as it unfolds around me, rather than live in a fantasy world that I’ve constructed for myself over the last year or so of heavy boozing and the occasional bong hit or coke line. Sobriety is… different. Sometimes I hate what I see in reality, and want to change everything, so I poison myself to create a reality more suitable for my taste. Poison works, but comes at a price that thing about no such thing as a free lunch sort of thing. The price was too high, so I’m stuck with reality. It aint so bad, though. People come, people go, time passes, and we have choices to make all the time.

Looking around, I noticed most people fingering the merchandise right in front of them. I can’t assume that these people around me are clawing for a distraction to relieve depression or severe anxiety… they’re probably just bored. Marketers understand this well, so they put shiny shit in front of people where they’re likely to feel bored, such as standing in line waiting to purchase perfectly tailored jeans for a date. I reject this distraction because I’m not a sucker. I just watch people as they come and go, and try to enjoy the time as it passes, and not create an alternate reality subjectively that isn’t connected to anyone else’s… a practice I’m good at, and a practice I know leads to pure fucking loneliness. I just accept without judgment what’s happening around me, and breathe as naturally to the rhythm of time as I can. What can I say… it seems to be working, and I don’t have to poison myself and pay those nasty consequences.

“I can help whoever is next,” went the friendly clerk. I was next. I approached the counter. I shared reality with her for a moment.

“Did you find everything okay?” She started scanning my merchandise.

“Sure did, thanks,” I said. She went:

“Did you know that you could save ten per cent off this purchase with the Old Navy credit card?”
I said, “no thank you… the interest rates are too high. I know you know that too, and you’re just doing your job.” My voice is pretty deep and masculine, and I looked at her like a human being, like someone just like me trying to get by and live with dignity in a confusing and fast world. She looked back. She kind of whispered,

“I know… the interest rates are ridiculous… it’s a total rip off. I’m just…” I listened carefully. We had a nice share. Then I asked if I could swap out my clothes in the fitting room after my purchase. “Oh absolutely,” she said.

I swapped out my clothes, and then looked at my ass in the mirror with my new jeans and shirt. Hot! I was looking hot. Modesty is the shittiest of all virtues, if one could even call it a virtue. I did a little dance move in front of the mirror, put my old clothes in the bag, and started out the door. My shoulders were square, and I felt confident and connected.

Walking out the glass doors, on top of the world, breathing fresh air, ready for my new date…

…I shart my new pants.


(Good to see you around, old friends. Hope life is well.)

Review This Item




Submitted by DeMoNiC at 2012-05-02 00:12:32 EDT (#)

Sharting is a side affect from the horrendous amount of cock that you take inside of you.
It has undoubtedly rendered your anus too loose to support normal bowel movements.

Submitted by X54 at 2012-04-26 10:17:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I liked the sudden transition from the mundane act of purchasing clothes to your feeble and ultimately pointless struggle to retain a tenuous grip on reality. But the ending sucked.

Submitted by Sage at 2012-04-25 14:03:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2012-04-24 15:18:27 EDT (#)

All that for a shit joke, yes. No cough, no sneeze, just an innocent stab at farting gone bad.

Thanks for the fashion advice Sage. How's the pup?


She's good, thanks for asking. She'd be better if I could get her potty trained :(

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2012-04-25 12:59:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2012-04-24 20:12:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Not your usual grade-A stuff.

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2012-04-24 15:18:27 EDT (#)

All that for a shit joke, yes. No cough, no sneeze, just an innocent stab at farting gone bad.

Thanks for the fashion advice Sage. How's the pup?

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2012-04-24 09:59:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Sage at 2012-04-23 14:08:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Sage at 2012-04-23 14:07:37 EDT (#)


In any event, I know you think that brand name clothing can be overpriced, but I do suggest moseying around J Crew/Banana Republic or the like for classic pieces (jeans, blazers etc) and buying "trendier" pieces at cheaper stores. The cheap stuff will last through the trends and the more expensive stuff will last forever if you take care of it correctly.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-04-23 13:47:13 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Not EVERYTHING...I +2-ed a couple of broads.

Submitted by DonovanMD at 2012-04-23 12:00:53 EDT (#)
Rating: -1


And Shlongy is still -2ing everything and anything. The site looks different but I guess the more things change the more they stay the same.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-04-23 11:30:49 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

All that for a BAD shit joke?

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2012-04-23 08:22:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

All that for a shit joke?

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2012-04-23 08:22:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

All that for a shit joke?

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2012-04-23 00:28:37 EDT (#)

Oh come on it was a great lead in with a good flow and then.....


Like you just shat your pants? Wait.. what? Was there no sneeze or cough or anything to cause a human being who is capable of mashing his fingers onto a keyboard in a coherent fashion to form a story from shitting his presumably adult pants........is that even humanly possible? or am I just so dead tired I missed it?

Submitted by comicbookguy at 2012-04-22 19:55:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2012-04-22 19:20:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"The very pants I was going to return"

Submitted by beeltea at 2012-04-22 09:30:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you can get 10 percent off just for the application. Doesn't matter if you get denied.

Submitted by beeltea at 2012-04-22 09:28:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2012-04-21 18:17:20 EDT (#)

Oooo, I love that "Publish" button. It makes me feel important.

Two-hundred-thirty-nine pounds?! I'm a blimp! Why are all the good
things so tasty?

-- Homer Simpson
Brush With Greatness