Claw Machine Champion.Submitted by ilikesteak at 2012-04-07 13:37:54 EDT
Rating: 1.42 on 7 ratings (10 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
It started innocently enough on trips to and from the grocery store.
My job was so mind numbing and soul crushing that I avoided sleeping because I knew I'd be waking up to go to work. I forced myself to have as much distraction as possible while I wasn't at work in the hope that I'd forget that I'd rather be raped by honey badgers than be there for another day.
One of the best things I did to kill time was learning and developing new skills because it takes a long time to plan, acquire materials, and actually do what I'm planning. The one thing I focused most on was cooking because it meant I could spend endless hours watching cooking shows, and when I actually did anything, I could taste the results after hours of work.
Why would I spend three and a half hours cooking soup? Because if you taste it, you'll lose control of your goddamn legs for twenty minutes as you hear a pack of wolves join the BBC orchestra to play the song from Tubby the Tuba, then maul them to death. It's that good.
I started buying one meal's worth of food instead of shopping for several days or weeks at a time because I would make something new and awesome every day. My general hatred for most of this area's general public combined with being awake for twenty hours every day meant I spent a good amount of time in everyone's favorite purveyor of Chinese sweatshop made goods after midnight.
Every time I would walk in or out, I'd have to walk past a series of claw machines, singing and shining with the promise of the chance to be a winner. One day as I was leaving, I stopped, put down my groceries, and dropped in the two quarters change from whatever I was buying that day. Of course I didn't win, but trading fifty cents for twenty seconds of forgetting everything every day was going to be completely worth it.
This went on for a week and a half until it happened. I won. I was fixated on winning a certain special prize, and I won it. As the claw gave it's final turn on the way down, it lodged itself between the shallow opening of the box and the foam keeping it in place. The lift was solid, and the suspense of watching my new trophy swing and dangle from that mechanical arm was way more intense than watching the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre ever had been. My prize was hanging over the opening and as the claw opened, I could see the problem. The prize was actually wedged on a claw. The machine was mocking me, but I would not be denied. After a full seven minutes of physical/mechanical abuse, my trophy dropped. I pushed the prize door, and prayed that it would actually fit.
I had won a Mickey Mouse watch, housed in a bright pink Disney case. Much to my surprise, it not only fit, but it fit incredibly well. Did I have an erection? Yes. Yes I did. I have a beloved cartoon character from the 20's to tell me what time it is, and life is good.
It's been months since I've won that watch, and I wear it at all times (Except for in the shower, as it isn't marked as waterproof or water resistant.) I've won countless other random trinkets and baubles since then, and I am now a claw machine black belt.
Here's how you too can be a winner.
1. Play a test game to see if you can win. Make sure that at least two of the three claws close and stay closed. If you've got a gap, your odds of winning are going to rapidly approach zero. Watch the individual claws and see how they spin on their way down. Check if you can move in all directions, and see if you're limited in how many times you can move forward or to the side.
2. Don't aim with the center of the claw, aim with the claw arms that stay closed.
3. Try to catch an extremity. Anything with a plastic band should be a good target. Everyone aims for the body, and the prize is still there.
4. Line the prize up from the front and the sides. Claw machines are designed to affect your depth perception and your ability to tell if the claw is actually above what you're aiming at.
5. Anything on a hill is a trap. You can still win, but the whole claw likes to tip over and fuck things up.
6. If you're going to play more than once, pick a prize and focus on it. You can fine tune where the claw is going to land to get closer to winning.
7. Most importantly, if both of your quarters are rejected by the machine, that is a sign to walk away.
Such a sweet, infuriating Bitch..png