Starcraft 2 APM and MasturbationSubmitted by Murphy1844 at 2010-10-21 13:12:44 EDT
Rating: 0.5 on 21 ratings (21 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
In Starcraft 2, the most polished and balanced and best created real-time strategy game ever created, there is something called APM, which stands for “actions per minute.”
An action here, defined, is simply a keystroke on a keyboard or a mouse-click.
For those who haven’t played this wonderful game (and I’m not getting a stipend or any other compensation from Blizzard by saying this) I’ll explain it like this: It’s basically a computerized chess game. The real players play one on one matches, or battles, or games, which usually last about fifteen minutes. The object of the game is to destroy your opponent, and there’s an infinite number of ways to do this. You destroy your opponent by directing different units to do different things, and the chess-like element comes from playing dynamically—responding to what your opponent is doing as quickly as possible.
After one gets the basics of the game down, the better player can be measured by how quickly he plays the game. This quickness is measured by APM.
Players also have the option, after playing a match, to view a replay of the match. In this replay, and since the game kicks so much ass, a player has access to a host of information, such as total units, army value, production, etc. And APM. APM is, as it’s implied, an average of actions over a minute’s time. When a player looks at this during a replay, they’re given two sets of numbers—one is the APM and the other is the real-time actions, or APS (S-seconds). Obviously the real-time calculation of actions varies.
This is where I’d like to talk about masturbation.
You see, I have quite a bit of respect for these high-level players. It’s part envy, part… ok, it’s all envy. I’ll never be that good, nor do I have the time or motivation to become that good (the best SC2 players “practice” for about twelve hours a day). When I review replays from fellow players, I look at both their APS and APM, and when their APS peaks, I start to get horny.
I mean like hard-core erection horny. A normal man would immediately pause the game, then alt-tab and watch porn to relieve himself. If he’s lucky, he’d have his boyfriend (or girlfriend) help them out, but lots of luck here! Imagine that conversation: “hey would you mind if you went down on me at a specific time while I watch a replay of the world’s greatest RTS?”
“No it’s simple. Just sit next to me and when I say ‘go’, just go. You love me right?”
“Wait, you want me to give you head while you watch a stupid video game?”
“No. It’s not stupid. But pretty much yeah.”
“I won’t do it. Go fuck yourself.”
This conversation is imaginary, but it would probably be pretty accurate. So what is a player left to do? Simple. Masturbate.
A very very good player can reach an APM of 300. Since APM is an average, the APS shifts radically, both very high and low.
Actually watching a player play this well on YouTube is amazing. Some videos have a split-screen, so you can see the actual game and also a video of the players lightning fingers on his mouse/keyboard. Audio-wise, it’s like listening to Mike Portnoy (Dream Theater, fill-in for Avenged Sevenfold) play the drums. In words, mind-boggling.
Speaking for myself, when I see a player hit over 200 APS, I start to lean back in my chair and take deep breaths. I don’t think about doing this, but I find my hand feeling its way under the slip of my pants. Eventually it’s cupping my balls and sort of half-stroking myself. I don’t look down while I’m doing this… I’m totally focused on the game and the calculations.
When the APS peaks, like around 250 or so, the zipper comes down and I sort of pull my pants down half-way. If the total APM is above 200, I’m usually starting to get a pretty good stroke on.
This is the fun part, because it’s unintentional, and not the way I’m used to masturbating. When the numbers peak, I get more and more horny. If I ever see an average player hit 300 APS, I pretty much shoot all over my keyboard. Lately, I’ve taken to having a pile of Q-tips handy so I can soak up the mess before it dries and makes the keys stick together.
I’ve never seen a replay with a player hitting 300 APM. I thought it was impossible until I actually watched these crazy Korean players do it. From a masturbation point of view, though, I don’t think I’d even have to touch myself to splatter all over the place if I personally witnessed an APM that high!
I hope you enjoyed the read, or at least didn’t find it boring.
Murphy (highest APM at 60, sadly)