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Landscaping & Suicide

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2010-09-10 18:07:12 EDT
Rating: 0.93 on 28 ratings (28 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

My brother-in-law complained to me today about the landscaping work that was recently done to his front yard. He asked me if I liked it. I said I did, even though I don't know anything about landscaping. It looked fine to me..

"I don't like it," he said. I looked at him as if to say go on...

"Well," he started, "it doesn't look anything like the drawing they did. The grass doesn't come up far enough and we're stuck with just a bunch of bark dust." He complained about this, along with the size of the plants. "I know they'll get bigger in a COUPLE YEARS, but I wanted something that looked you know... fuller.

"I don't want to sound like an asshole, but I'm going to call them and complain."

The grass didn't come up far enough, like it did in the drawing, and the plants were too small, and it cost him three thousand dollars to get this work done. He threatened to take measuring tape to actually measure how much square footage of grass he had, and compare that against what he paid for. He complained that they didn't move any of the sprinklers from their original position, noting that certain sprinklers were, as he put it, "squirting on fucking NOTHING." To add to all this, the mound of bark dust looked like a "mound of bark dust, see THAT." I guess that's a bad thing. He did like the rocks they put in near the porch but he was upset that they didn't extend the bark dust to the portion of the yard leading to the gate.

During this, I noticed my thoughts wandering to blood and slicing and bleeding and warm water.

He looked around during a moment of silence, shaking his head back and forth. His arms were crossed. He said to an imaginary person in front of him, "see that," and pointed at something. I went along with it, feeling stuck.

Suicide can be categorized in two ways. Physical and chemical. Both, and this is self-explanatory, aim to interrupt life processes. One popular method is bleeding, which aims to reduce the volume and pressure of blood to below critical levels. Cutting and suicide are different, and it's important to understand the distinction. Those who cut aren't trying to kill themselves. They're either trying for a cry for help because something is wrong and not getting enough attention, or they're trying to relieve themselves of unimaginable emotional pain-- basically by forcing the brain to think about physical pain to a point where the emotional pain they're going through eases up a bit. Cutters usually cut across the wrists or arm or leg.

The neighbor came around to the both of us standing there and said, "lookin' nice, lookin' nice." My brother-in-law immediately targeted him and launched a whole new round of complaints. The neighbor said he would have liked a certain bush pushed a little toward the house because, from his perspective while sitting on his porch, it would have looked nicer.

There are many arteries in the human anatomy to pick from, but in the interest of my fantasy, I'll pick the inside-the-forearm artery, or radial artery. The best method for success here is to slice the artery open along where it runs, length-wise up the arm. The radial artery branches from one thick tube to two smaller tubes around where the elbow bends. So if one is in a hurry, it's best to start from that bend and cut deep up to the shoulder. Many with some know-how in the business of suicide would start at the wrist, then cut up along one of the radial’s subsidiaries. This is perfectly acceptable and will work just fine. Depending on whether or not one draws a warm bath of water to help the gush, it's almost always possible to enjoy your last glass of favorite wine, or listen to your favorite song, or make your last phone call. It really is a matter of preference and totally up to the individual.

The yard looked fine. The edges were clean, the grass was green, and the bark dust had that new bark dust smell, which is pleasant. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt like an alien from a different plant. It won’t be the last, either.

Once his attention was focused on the neighbor, I scooted away as quickly and politely as I could.

Driving away, I imagined the look of blood in water like in those shark videos. It’s similar to plopping a thing of creamer in a black cup of coffee. At this I sort of smiled.


Review This Item




Submitted by loki at 2010-09-14 13:36:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Chroniclysm at 2010-09-13 17:41:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2010-09-13 11:55:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by BranDo at 2010-09-13 07:44:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by skrapmetal at 2010-09-13 07:43:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Fallen and Psygns are right, you know.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2010-09-13 07:37:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

you hired Irish landscapers?
well, murphy sound Irish, so probably.

Mexicans yo, mexicans can scape the fuck out of a yard.
or DIY, DIY yardwork involves beer and hambugers.

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2010-09-13 03:49:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Lesson 1: If you want a job doing to your standards, do it yourself!

Submitted by alphy at 2010-09-13 01:34:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by alphy (user info) at 2010-09-13 01:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

i'm takin over this thread for the bettergoodment of my writer friends :)

Submitted by alphy (user info) at 2010-09-13 01:23:58 EDT (#)


say me never gave you nuthin.

“Ctenoid” comes from one of my favorite books, “Jarrold’s Dictionary of Difficult Words.” I challenged a member of the Mega Society [a society whose members have ultra-high I.Q.s], who claimed he could spell anything, to spell “ctenoid.” He failed. It’s that silent “c” that gets them every time. “Ctenoid” means “having an edge with projections like the teeth of a comb.” It could refer to rooster combs or the scales of certain fish.

For the inner logoleptic in all of us, allow me to recommend the Web site:"


Submitted by Wildman at 2010-09-13 00:19:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Don't mind Bubba.
Shit happens.
Just scrape the bottom or your shoe on the edge of a curb and it'll be all good.

Submitted by FilthyMonkey at 2010-09-12 19:38:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Do you often take mushrooms before visiting your brother in law?

I think this was an over-ambitious post, I think I get what you were trying to do but came off a little half cocked, and weird.

But +2 for the attempt - those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2010-09-12 17:57:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by SPECIALk at 2010-09-12 15:02:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Enmeduranki at 2010-09-12 14:18:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It's always nice when the mind has cleared of the fog :)

Submitted by paxilliona at 2010-09-12 13:55:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by apollo88 at 2010-09-11 22:51:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by alphy at 2010-09-11 16:18:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hey murphy :) fer some reson or nother my postin new threads got messed up with the perl system use on this here uber board. wat i need is a collaborator to post my headers fer me. then i can fuk up tha minds of these perverts on this shithole board. thay are all on drugs an booz and r out of orbit ifin u get my gist. less get ta gether an kick thar asses ok? less make history :) in private this shithole group says you er a bastardo an other vile things. we can turn the tables on them :)

Submitted by august_sobriquet at 2010-09-11 12:56:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2010-09-11 07:39:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Your brother in law is an idiot.

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2010-09-11 07:39:07 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Your brother in law is an idiot.

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-09-11 03:38:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2010-09-11 02:49:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

No. Suicide is a thoughtless excersise. I'm not suicidal. I meant to be funny.
I like this but I don't get it neither do I find it funny.
It's like two different posts dude.

RE landscaping, I bet they were Irish. Fucking pikeys.

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2010-09-11 02:49:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

No. Suicide is a thoughtless excersise. I'm not suicidal. I meant to be funny.

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2010-09-11 02:46:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I don't know if posting here makes me feel better or worse.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-09-11 02:45:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I liked this for its imagery and I am willing to award it with a two, on the condition that you admit this was massively over dramatized and that while the idea of suicide may have flashed before your minds eye it was only a momentary, amusing and Uberpost inspiring moment. If you wanted to commit suicide as this emopost seems to suggest you wouldn't be talking about it on Uber you would be sitting in a rapidly cooling bathtub working on exsanguination.

Submitted by cheerios at 2010-09-10 21:56:23 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

too much suicide.

Submitted by TuTs at 2010-09-10 21:27:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

It cost him $3000 and he didn't get what he wanted. That would piss me off too. Like I want my car black, idiot head is keeping it a baby puke champagne colour because "it's easier", I'm paying for it out of my own money and he gets sexual favours, so not getting what I want pisses me off.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2010-09-10 20:17:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I have a shitty landscaper who overcharges and has been systematically killing my lawn for the last couple of years...and I am too lazy to fire him and hire someone else, which, in itself, makes me worse than the landscaper.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2010-09-10 19:32:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

MLWaI do our own landscaping for this very reason. If you pay someone stupid money for a half-ass job that doesn't meet your expectations, you're mad at the contractor and nobody wins. If you do the work yourself, you still get a half-ass job but it's because godDAMN it's fucking hot out or I thought you were going to dig the holes or I'm not making a sixth trip to Lowes today so fuck it let's get in the pool. Voila! Saved $2500 on half-ass landscaping.

Submitted by willartstorg at 2010-09-10 18:19:36 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Just noticed you've been here for over seven years!!

tough shit. You suck EVEN MORE FOR TAHT!!!!!!!

Submitted by willartstorg at 2010-09-10 18:18:08 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Sorry. you. suck. and. not. well.

Lenny: Yeah, he got injured on the job and they sent him home with
pay. Pfft. It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity.

Homer: Stupidity, eh?

King-Size Homer