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The Hunt for Loque'nahak (World of Warcraft)

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2010-02-03 05:01:01 EST
Rating: 0.11 on 47 ratings (47 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

In the World of Warcraft, there are extraordinarily rare monsters. These monsters are so rare that, in my time playing this game (which is better measured in MONTHS rather than hours) I've seen maybe six or seven all-together.

One of these monsters is named Loque'nahak, and you can see how beautiful she is in the screen shot I'll attach at the end of this post.

I tamed this wonderful cat tonight, after three days of searching for her. I'm here to tell you about the hunt, because nobody in real life will listen to me.

A few things I'd like to get out of the way before I start. First, this is meant for a reader who has never played World of Warcraft. I could jump right in to the technical gaming jargon, but I'm afraid that that would alienate most people. Instead, as I explain this, I'll pretend you haven't even heard of the game. Second, before I explain exactly what I just accomplished tonight, you have to understand how rare this monster was. So I'll do that now.

Loque'nahak has what's called a "spawn timer." This means that the people who made the game decided that rare really means rare, and not just any old fellow can get their hands on something without tenacity, grit, time, research, and no life. The spawn timer for Loque is a mystery, but it's been rumored to be around six to eight hours after she's been either killed or tamed by a hunter. Additionally, once this girl spawns, if nobody kills or tames her within eight minutes (again, this is still a rumor), she'll DE-spawn, or disappear, until the next random timer.

Add to this different spawn locations. To give you an idea of the scope of this game, just one zone, I'll measure it in time. I'm only talking about one *zone here, the only zone this creature appears in. To take your character and walk from end to end without stopping or being attacked, takes about 15-20 minutes going fast in this particular zone (Sholazar Basin). To speed things up, WoW has added *mounts, both land and flying, to speed things up. To *fly the same distance would take maybe three or so minutes from end to end. To fly to each of the known spawn points, seven in all, takes about ten minutes.

Still with me?

So, in order to even have a chance at finding this son of a bitch, you basically fly in a big jagged circle for hours and hours at a time, knowing full well that you could be wasting your time if the random spawn timer is at six hours. Or maybe someone else has tamed or killed her before you, which you have no way of knowing. Does this sound ridiculous? Well, it is, until you look at the screen shot below and fall in love like I did.

Tonight, around midnight PST, after three days of searching on average three hours/day, I found the one and only Loque'nahak and tamed the little bitch. This is where my story begins.

I'm on my flying mount, an eagle looking thing, flying around in a circle and moving my mouse around to spot the creatures around me. In most cases, creatures come in bunches and all look alike. Only rare creatures have an out-of-place look about them so I was looking for something out-of-place (also monitoring my beast-tracking ability unique to the hunter class). I was tired, tipsy, wanting to smoke a cigarette, but determination and focus guided my behavior. I was about to give up, my mouse-hand cramping, my eyes going blurry from staring at my monitor for hours straight, the smell of a continuous stream of farts coming from my bottom, hunger pangs, dry throat, and least of all self-shame, when I found her.

I looked twice, but didn't have time to really process what I was looking at. If I had a chance, I mustn't think, but ACT, and act fast! I first verified that this wasn't some other hunter's pet who was fucking with me. Check. Then in one swift and sloppy motion, I dropped my bird to the ground and began to tame her. She killed me in the first try (it takes like fifteen seconds to tame a beast, and they get pissed while doing it, so you have to tame them before they kill you). Fuck me, I thought.

(You can never really *die* in this game, you just get set back, sent to a place away from where you died, and it takes about thirty seconds to find your "corpse". But thirty seconds is a long time when competition to tame her is thicker than Honeymint Tea. Not to mention the achievement whores or skinners out for some nice loot)

I started to panic. My hands were too sweaty to grip the mouse properly and in my mouth I was on the edge of literally TASTING defeat. I started thinking about giving up the hunt if I couldn't get her. This was literally a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I couldn't let it pass me by.

I found my dead body, resurrected myself, and she was still there. Fuck yeah. I bandaged myself, laid down a freezing trap, tagged her with my auto-shot, and hit the "tame beast" button again.

In probably the fifteen longest seconds of my entire life, I tamed her. She was mine.



Review This Item




Submitted by skitty at 2010-02-09 01:43:42 EST (#)
Rating: 1

liked it.

reminded me of my last semester before china: finals. chain smoking. tennessee whiskey. hundreds of pages of term papers. lsd. and rizal, my hot gay blood elf.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-02-06 02:21:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

At this moment I am torn, by my desire to reinstall and reactivate my Guild Wars account and my gratitude that the internet service here sucks so badly it could never support online play for anything other than say, Pong. This post nearly convinced me to sell my soul to internet gaming again... damn you...

Submitted by mismathed at 2010-02-06 00:41:09 EST (#)
Rating: -2

I balked at 'sperm timer' and quit when you asked 'still with me'.

Submitted by computerjockey at 2010-02-05 22:38:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I liked it.

Submitted by Entaran at 2010-02-05 21:23:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

play eve

Submitted by bart at 2010-02-04 23:01:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2


I played WoW for a few months until I realized it was a tremendous waste of time at which point I canceled my account.

A couple of years later, I was thinking about reactivating it, but my install was so many versions behind that I had to download / upgrade / restart enough times that I finally lost interest. Thank god.

Submitted by lunaticpandoraxi at 2010-02-04 22:57:40 EST (#)
Rating: -1

+1 for knowing what you have been through as a hunter looking for a rare spawn pet.

-2 for being Alliance =)

Submitted by TuTs at 2010-02-04 20:42:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2010-02-05 05:06:37 WST (#)
Ranking: 0

Back to Loque'nahak. It's been a couple days and I still get hard with this pussy. Ironic.


See there is comedy in this. This is a man who has sex with men, getting hard over a pussy. I get ya Murphy.

Submitted by iddqd at 2010-02-04 17:56:58 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2010-02-04 13:45:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

i kinda liked it.

i love the reviewers below who play another form of online game adopting a position of scorn on WOW.

we all have our obsessions.


while i didnt like the post, this ^

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2010-02-04 16:06:37 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I love how this happens over and over and over on this site:

You try and put something in the title that hints at what the content will be about. In this case "(World of Warcraft)" and people still click and read the whole thing, then bitch and complain that the content was about World of Warcraft.

I can't refund your time wasted reading this... all I can do is put up a warning.

Here's another example. If a post says "Not Safe For Work" in the title, and you're at work, and you click on it anyway, and you get caught and fired, please don't comment that it's the poster's fault you suck.

Back to Loque'nahak. It's been a couple days and I still get hard with this pussy. Ironic.


Submitted by Beer_bong at 2010-02-04 15:39:44 EST (#)
Rating: 0


Submitted by Liquidice281 at 2010-02-04 14:45:34 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Great. Die quietly.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2010-02-04 13:45:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i kinda liked it.

i love the reviewers below who play another form of online game adopting a position of scorn on WOW.

we all have our obsessions.

Submitted by TuTs at 2010-02-04 07:42:05 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I still can't believe no-one has made a joke about the gay guy getting some pussy yet.....

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-02-04 06:15:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2010-02-04 06:15:00 EST (#)
Rating: -2

congratulations. you are probably in the running to beat ei for least likely to get a girlfriend.

Submitted by Ryland at 2010-02-04 05:59:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Having said that, I spent fucking DAYS killing Yiazmat on FFXII so I can't relly complain.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-02-04 02:13:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Hello my name is Ridiculous and I am a recovering gamer.
I spent nearly every available hour of my life for a period of two years playing Guild Wars... I too have chased the impossibly rare, I too have succeeded on the brink of heartbreak and starvation. While I cannot condone dedicating your life to something like this I can certainly identify with the dispair and elation associated with it.

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-02-03 18:52:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

wow the geek on this post is making me wet

Submitted by JonnyX at 2010-02-03 17:03:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2




Submitted by Ryland at 2010-02-03 13:24:53 EST (#)
Rating: 0

The best WOW story was the one about that chick who died in real life and all of her online buddies held a huge funeral for her IN THE GAME but made the mistake of holding it in a zone where you can attack each other.

I'm not too sure of the intricacies of it all but the you tube video showing a bunch of geeky simpering fucks Eulogising about a conceptual entity was fucking hilarious.

Especially when a rival clan - who had been told in advance about the 'service' and asked to leave them to pay their respects in peace - comes bounding over the hill and fucking slaughters eveyone and everything within killing distance, insulting their victims the whole time.

I honestly never thought I'd be interested in anything to do with WoW but that vid is fucking priceless.

Submitted by SkullBiter at 2010-02-03 13:19:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by RoadSong at 2010-02-03 13:07:56 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2010-02-03 06:39:08 PST (#)
Ranking: -1

Anagram for Loque'nahak: Equal A Honk
Anagram for World of Warcraft: Row Crawl Tard Off
The anagram Master has spoken

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2010-02-03 12:50:22 EST (#)
Rating: 0

mazel tov

Submitted by RoadSong at 2010-02-03 12:35:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

" I'm on my flying mount, an eagle looking thing, flying around in a circle and moving my mouse around to spot the creatures around me. In most cases, creatures come in bunches and all look alike. "
I have not played the game, but have taken rides on flying mounts and seen creatures.{perhaps it was the Bufo toxin from that laughing toad}

Submitted by gascs at 2010-02-03 12:30:49 EST (#)
Rating: -2

I read part of this and thought, "Wow, what a huge fucking geek."

And I'm a huge fucking geek. I actually feel like I could go tryout for QB of the football team now.

Submitted by Foolproof at 2010-02-03 12:22:06 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Hours? For a kitten?

Does the game give you a blowjob if you do this? If it doesn't, you wasted your time.

Submitted by GroundHorse at 2010-02-03 11:23:58 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by wardy at 2010-02-03 11:09:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Ballare at 2010-02-03 10:59:27 EST (#)
Rating: -2

-2 balls

Submitted by triangle_man at 2010-02-03 10:58:25 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Nice looking paragraphs, If I could care about games I'd read it

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2010-02-03 10:46:45 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Well, at least you got *some* pussy out of it.

Submitted by BranDo at 2010-02-03 10:45:53 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-12 10:16:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

On the 6-sided dice of life, all of your faces read "shitheel."

Submitted by Procon at 2010-02-03 10:32:43 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Good fuck your life is sad.

Submitted by spuj at 2010-02-03 10:32:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I have a feeling berty has played a similar game before.

Or he wiki'd all the terminology.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2010-02-03 10:31:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rob_berg at 2010-02-03 10:26:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The nerd is strong in this one, yoda.

Submitted by icarus1987 at 2010-02-03 10:19:31 EST (#)
Rating: -1

What Berty said. Go with the crossdressing story. Those are always a good laugh.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2010-02-03 09:39:08 EST (#)
Rating: -1

Anagram for Loque'nahak: Equal A Honk
Anagram for World of Warcraft: Row Crawl Tard Off

Submitted by Berty at 2010-02-03 07:40:13 EST (#)
Rating: -2

I have read posts like this on numerous forums, and also on this forum. It's like reading about people playing online poker, which is to say: boring.

If you must tell stories about WoW then you should tell stories about how you joined a guild as a girl and had a relationship with another male player for a laugh, but started to really enjoy yourself. You could tell us about the fatefull day you broke the news and how you missed those romantic walks through Stormwind together, the little gifts you liked to recieve and how it helped you understand what it meant to be a woman.

If you never have done anything so interesting just make something up. We don't care, as long as it's interesting. A story about how you befriended a fellow who was a white supremacist but was really good fun, and how you played along with his racial prejudice in spite of the fact that you're black.

Or how there's a woman in your guild who is 89 years old and rocks at PvP. An eternally marginalised priest who tries, unsuccesfully, to convert people to Christianity but is too reliable for raiding to kick out. A couple who got divorced and had to argue about who got to stay on the server.

Y'know, something interesting.

Submitted by Judgement at 2010-02-03 07:28:15 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2010-02-03 07:22:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Congratulations. I have no idea what you're talking about, but you talk about it with such passion.

Submitted by TuTs at 2010-02-03 07:05:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I have sacrificed hours to games before, so I admire your dedication. I don't get the attraction to wow though, but ummm congrats?

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2010-02-03 06:55:35 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 at 2010-02-03 06:49:38 EST (#)
Rating: -2

"because nobody in real life will listen to me."

No-one here gives a shit either. You know that "real life" place? you probably want to head back that way there are far more things to do there, but no "button that instantly does what i want" unfortunately.

I even read this as I've always wondered what the hook with this game was, I'm a gaming addict, but i've never wanted to sacrifice my life to WoW.

Pressing a "tame beast" button and waiting 15 seconds?

Wow, sounds pretty fucking exciting.

Off you fuck.

- I'm currently playing MAG, a proper game, if anyone else is too, add me PSN: Foolishbean69 - So i can shoot you in the fucking nuts.

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2010-02-03 06:15:13 EST (#)
Rating: -2

You've been here long than I have, and you post this? seriously?

...damn dorks.

Submitted by czwij at 2010-02-03 05:53:36 EST (#)
Rating: -2

what the hell is this?
i come here for insults,NSFW,really cool copy pasta gifs, poop stories and the occasional undead read.

this belongs on a gaming forum, with like people who give a shit about similar things.
am i in the wrong place?

no. you are in the wrong place.

how bout time warping back to your game instead of killing my time.
also, give me my 45 seconds that i took to write this, back.


Sir, I must strongly advise you, do not purchase this. Behind
every wish lurks grave misfortune. I, myself, was one
president of Algeria.

Homer: C'mon, pal, I don't want to hear your life story! Paw me.

Treehouse of Horror II