My Day Off in Suburban Shit-Hole AmericaSubmitted by Murphy1844 at 2009-12-01 22:45:25 EST
Rating: 0.28 on 34 ratings (34 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
I have Monday's and Tuesdays off and this was Tuesday. Monday, I spent the whole day drinking, napping, and playing World of Warcraft. I didn't really accomplish anything except for a couple emblems of Conquest and an achievement or two. Oh yeah, and I downed Ony in a 25-man PUG for the first time. I don't expect non-dorks to understand, but that was an epic battle and completely satisfying.
Today, Tuesday, I woke up around 11:00am and decided to write a few things down on a piece of paper that I wanted to accomplish today. Here were the things:
-go to Borders to pick up a book
-get brother-in-law's Jeep detailed
-take back beer cans
-buy some new work clothes
-call Dr. and make appointment
Had I not written any of this down, I would have drank the whole day and played World of Warcraft. I didn't.
This is my story, my day, living and working in this fucking Suburban shit-hole. This horror of a corner of America where many reside, and many day-dream not of God, but of a shotgun with only one shell.
After I made my list I sort of tried to prioritize everything and figure out the most efficient route to take. My first stop was the book store, Borders, since there isn't any other book store in this stinky fucking arm-pit of Portland. I went to Borders.
Stay tuned for my comments on the Twilight series before I introduce you to Borders.
"Borders Group, Inc. trades on the New York Stock Exchange under the symbol BGP. The company is a leading global retailer of books, music, movies, and gift and stationery items with 2008 total revenue of $3.2 billion. Headquartered in Ann Arbor, Michigan, Borders Group, through its subsidiaries, operates approximately 1,000 stores and employs more than 25,000 people worldwide. More information on the company is available at www.borders.com/investors." (Borders.com, 2009)
Their stock is down for today's trading, closing at $1.29, down eleven cents, or 7.86 per cent.
Book in hand, I waited in line. My book was Anne Rice's 'The Vampire Lestat' and the guy right in front of me in line was super old and had some of the biggest ears I have ever seen. Not that they protruded like Ross Perot's ears, but they were super fleshy, with long thick dangling lobes. I imagine a small child couldn't resist tugging on these bastard's ears, they were that prevalent.
The Borders employee behind the counter, a good-looking early 20's type with ear-length wispy black hair said, "I can help whoever is next." The old man in front of me was next, and he shuffled forward with his books.
"Did you find everything OK today, sir," he asked.
"Nope." The stupid son of a bitch old fuck said. "I tried to find a book and you didn't have it."
"Well, did you know about our out-of-stock guarantee program? If an item is out-of-stock, we'll ship it to you for FREE."
Old fuck said: "No, and it's easier for me to just stop by here if you got something I want that aint here." Murphy1844, your friendly author, scratched his head at this one. How can driving to a store to pick something up be easier than checking your mail-box?
The stupid ass went on and on about how his books that he COULD find should have been priced differently and so on because he saw it outside with a sticker. This went on for almost a minute.
I was next.
"Did you find everything OK today, sir" the handsome young man asked.
I said, "nope!"
He said: "Well, if you couldn't find what you were looking for in the store--"
I interrupted him with "I know, I know... I heard you with the last guy and I'm just kidding."
He didn't seem entertained, nor annoyed. His reaction was disengaged for some reason.
The man scanned my item and seamed to break out of his corporate coating for a moment. Bad idea for him, for he didn't know who he was dealing with, Murphy1844.
He said, "Oooo, a Vampire book, have you read the Twilight series?" As he asked this, he printed my receipt and put it inside my book. I grabbed his hand as he was doing this and my eyes were mother-fucking serious. I said back:
"These Vampires <I pointed at the book>, don't sparkle when they're in the sunlight. They fucking DIE!" He pulled his hand away and said:
"Thank you sir, goodbye."
The next thing on my to-do-list was to get the Jeep I was driving detailed. I skipped the part where I cleaned my room because it was pretty uneventful.
On my way to "Washman," the company my brother-in-law insisted I go to because he had a coupon, I had to drive by my work.
I work in the lounge of a restaurant, bar-tending. For some reason I pulled in to my work, Elmer's, and decided to quit my job. I walked through the bar entrance, said hello to the day-shift bartender Megan, then asked to speak with Cliff (the general manager of the joint). She sort of whispered "why" like she was privy to inside information or worried about her job or something, and I was stoic. I usually am not, so this bothered her... she went to get Cliff.
"Hey Murphy1844," he said, sort of feigning excitement to see me. I said:
"Hey Cliff. I quit." He was shocked. And he did this weird thing with his lips and tongue that I've seen him do before when he's not quite sure what to say. He said:
"Well, okay Murphy1844, but WHY? I mean, you can't just quit... you have to..." he stumbled a bit. "You have to, well, did we do something wrong or something, I mean why is this, why are you just suddenly doing this?"
I gathered my cell-phone charger and started out the door. I turned back and looked at Cliff's shocked face, at Megan's synthetic indifference, and said to Cliff, "fuck you you fat-fuck; roast in hell." Cliff isn't actually that bad of a man. He's trying to pay his bills and support his family like the rest of us, and he's been fair to me since I've worked with him, but I felt at that moment like I should be angry. That's why I said what I said. He disappeared.
Washman, according to their website, has cleaned over nine million cars. I thought the company was bigger when I wrote this, but I guess they're concentrated to the Oregon - Washington area with around a dozen or so locations.
Pulling in to the place, so far everyone in my to-do-list day was exclusively white in ethnicity. This was my first Hispanic experience of the day. The second comes later, when I decided to get the mother-fucking delicious McRib combo meal at McDonald's.
I got my brother-in-law's jeep cleaned. I had a beer at a local bar while it was being done. I went to McDonald's for their mother-fucking delicious sandwich. I ate it and smiled, and said to the Hispanic-Americans behind the counter that it was delicious and I tipped them a couple bucks. They smiled.
Moral of the story: Fuck: white-mostly-middle-class-suburban-stupid-ass-Republican-dumb-fuck-Fox-news-watching-zombie-Americans.
Second moral: It is a contradiction, but the McRib fucking rules. It's drenched in BBQ sauce and topped with fresh onions and pickles, on a sesame bun for a reasonable price. Here's more info. about McDonald's:
"Thanks for your interest in the
2009 MONOPOLY® Game at McDonald's®!
This promotion ended November 16, 2009 at 11:59:59 p.m. ET.
We're delighted to report that millions in cash and other prizes were awarded (all subject to verification).
Still Need to Claim Your Prize?
To claim a prize, follow the instructions in the email message that you received. The deadline for claiming a prize is 11:59 p.m. ET on
December 15, 2009, and the deadline for receiving any/all required prize claim materials is December 31, 2009. Receipt after that date may invalidate the prize claim and cause the prize to be forfeited.
To claim your My Coke Rewards® points, you must comply with the Official Rules and complete the points claim process. Then take your points to mycokerewards.com by 11:59 p.m. ET on 12/31/09.
for upcoming promotions from McDonald's."
Everything I put in " " " marks was copied and pasted from: http://monopoly.promotions.com/monopoly09/front.do