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My Day Off in Suburban Shit-Hole America

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2009-12-01 22:45:25 EST
Rating: 0.28 on 34 ratings (34 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I have Monday's and Tuesdays off and this was Tuesday. Monday, I spent the whole day drinking, napping, and playing World of Warcraft. I didn't really accomplish anything except for a couple emblems of Conquest and an achievement or two. Oh yeah, and I downed Ony in a 25-man PUG for the first time. I don't expect non-dorks to understand, but that was an epic battle and completely satisfying.

Today, Tuesday, I woke up around 11:00am and decided to write a few things down on a piece of paper that I wanted to accomplish today. Here were the things:

-clean room
-go to Borders to pick up a book
-get brother-in-law's Jeep detailed
-take back beer cans
-buy some new work clothes
-call Stu
-call Dr. and make appointment

Had I not written any of this down, I would have drank the whole day and played World of Warcraft. I didn't.

This is my story, my day, living and working in this fucking Suburban shit-hole. This horror of a corner of America where many reside, and many day-dream not of God, but of a shotgun with only one shell.

After I made my list I sort of tried to prioritize everything and figure out the most efficient route to take. My first stop was the book store, Borders, since there isn't any other book store in this stinky fucking arm-pit of Portland. I went to Borders.

Stay tuned for my comments on the Twilight series before I introduce you to Borders.

"Borders Group, Inc. trades on the New York Stock Exchange under the symbol BGP. The company is a leading global retailer of books, music, movies, and gift and stationery items with 2008 total revenue of $3.2 billion. Headquartered in Ann Arbor, Michigan, Borders Group, through its subsidiaries, operates approximately 1,000 stores and employs more than 25,000 people worldwide. More information on the company is available at www.borders.com/investors." (Borders.com, 2009)

Their stock is down for today's trading, closing at $1.29, down eleven cents, or 7.86 per cent.

Book in hand, I waited in line. My book was Anne Rice's 'The Vampire Lestat' and the guy right in front of me in line was super old and had some of the biggest ears I have ever seen. Not that they protruded like Ross Perot's ears, but they were super fleshy, with long thick dangling lobes. I imagine a small child couldn't resist tugging on these bastard's ears, they were that prevalent.

The Borders employee behind the counter, a good-looking early 20's type with ear-length wispy black hair said, "I can help whoever is next." The old man in front of me was next, and he shuffled forward with his books.

"Did you find everything OK today, sir," he asked.

"Nope." The stupid son of a bitch old fuck said. "I tried to find a book and you didn't have it."

"Well, did you know about our out-of-stock guarantee program? If an item is out-of-stock, we'll ship it to you for FREE."

Old fuck said: "No, and it's easier for me to just stop by here if you got something I want that aint here." Murphy1844, your friendly author, scratched his head at this one. How can driving to a store to pick something up be easier than checking your mail-box?

The stupid ass went on and on about how his books that he COULD find should have been priced differently and so on because he saw it outside with a sticker. This went on for almost a minute.

I was next.

"Did you find everything OK today, sir" the handsome young man asked.

I said, "nope!"

He said: "Well, if you couldn't find what you were looking for in the store--"

I interrupted him with "I know, I know... I heard you with the last guy and I'm just kidding."

He didn't seem entertained, nor annoyed. His reaction was disengaged for some reason.

The man scanned my item and seamed to break out of his corporate coating for a moment. Bad idea for him, for he didn't know who he was dealing with, Murphy1844.

He said, "Oooo, a Vampire book, have you read the Twilight series?" As he asked this, he printed my receipt and put it inside my book. I grabbed his hand as he was doing this and my eyes were mother-fucking serious. I said back:

"These Vampires <I pointed at the book>, don't sparkle when they're in the sunlight. They fucking DIE!" He pulled his hand away and said:

"Thank you sir, goodbye."


The next thing on my to-do-list was to get the Jeep I was driving detailed. I skipped the part where I cleaned my room because it was pretty uneventful.

On my way to "Washman," the company my brother-in-law insisted I go to because he had a coupon, I had to drive by my work.

I work in the lounge of a restaurant, bar-tending. For some reason I pulled in to my work, Elmer's, and decided to quit my job. I walked through the bar entrance, said hello to the day-shift bartender Megan, then asked to speak with Cliff (the general manager of the joint). She sort of whispered "why" like she was privy to inside information or worried about her job or something, and I was stoic. I usually am not, so this bothered her... she went to get Cliff.

"Hey Murphy1844," he said, sort of feigning excitement to see me. I said:

"Hey Cliff. I quit." He was shocked. And he did this weird thing with his lips and tongue that I've seen him do before when he's not quite sure what to say. He said:

"Well, okay Murphy1844, but WHY? I mean, you can't just quit... you have to..." he stumbled a bit. "You have to, well, did we do something wrong or something, I mean why is this, why are you just suddenly doing this?"

I gathered my cell-phone charger and started out the door. I turned back and looked at Cliff's shocked face, at Megan's synthetic indifference, and said to Cliff, "fuck you you fat-fuck; roast in hell." Cliff isn't actually that bad of a man. He's trying to pay his bills and support his family like the rest of us, and he's been fair to me since I've worked with him, but I felt at that moment like I should be angry. That's why I said what I said. He disappeared.


Washman, according to their website, has cleaned over nine million cars. I thought the company was bigger when I wrote this, but I guess they're concentrated to the Oregon - Washington area with around a dozen or so locations.

Pulling in to the place, so far everyone in my to-do-list day was exclusively white in ethnicity. This was my first Hispanic experience of the day. The second comes later, when I decided to get the mother-fucking delicious McRib combo meal at McDonald's.

I got my brother-in-law's jeep cleaned. I had a beer at a local bar while it was being done. I went to McDonald's for their mother-fucking delicious sandwich. I ate it and smiled, and said to the Hispanic-Americans behind the counter that it was delicious and I tipped them a couple bucks. They smiled.

Moral of the story: Fuck: white-mostly-middle-class-suburban-stupid-ass-Republican-dumb-fuck-Fox-news-watching-zombie-Americans.

Second moral: It is a contradiction, but the McRib fucking rules. It's drenched in BBQ sauce and topped with fresh onions and pickles, on a sesame bun for a reasonable price. Here's more info. about McDonald's:

"Thanks for your interest in the
2009 MONOPOLY® Game at McDonald's®!

This promotion ended November 16, 2009 at 11:59:59 p.m. ET.

We're delighted to report that millions in cash and other prizes were awarded (all subject to verification).

Still Need to Claim Your Prize?

To claim a prize, follow the instructions in the email message that you received. The deadline for claiming a prize is 11:59 p.m. ET on
December 15, 2009, and the deadline for receiving any/all required prize claim materials is December 31, 2009. Receipt after that date may invalidate the prize claim and cause the prize to be forfeited.

To claim your My Coke Rewards® points, you must comply with the Official Rules and complete the points claim process. Then take your points to mycokerewards.com by 11:59 p.m. ET on 12/31/09.

Contact Us

Please Visit
for upcoming promotions from McDonald's."

Everything I put in " " " marks was copied and pasted from: http://monopoly.promotions.com/monopoly09/front.do


Review This Item




Submitted by FilledwithHate at 2009-12-09 19:53:10 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Quite a tale here--like a modern day "Ulysses". You may well be the next James Joyce.

Submitted by YELLOW-MAN at 2009-12-09 05:12:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by nkev2182 at 2009-12-05 14:25:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Thank you for being nice to us hispanics Mr. White Man. Come again!

"This was my first Hispanic experience of the day. The second comes later, when I decided to get the mother-fucking delicious McRib combo meal at McDonald's."

Not all hispanics wash cars or flip burgers. People just ignore the ones that don't.

"Fuck: white-mostly-middle-class-suburban-stupid-ass-Republican-dumb-fuck-Fox-news-watching-zombie-Americans."

I agree.

God Bless America.

Submitted by hollygolitely at 2009-12-04 04:34:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The Borders thing was weird because I worked there for a stint. They paid me minimum wage, but I didn't care because it was a second job and I really like books.

It is weird what they expect of their employees, though. They made it seem like we were going bankrupt and that the only way for the company to sustain itself was through Borders Rewards (which is a free discount program by the way).

The other bizarre thing about working there was the arrogant mentality of the employees. It didn't matter that they were college educated and couldn't make enough to live on their own, (most were married to people in other fields or lived with their parents)- they were the most catty people I have ever worked with. A lot of them were really mean! You wouldn't believe the drama they created for themselves.

Maybe that register guy was preoccupied with the fact that he literally couldn't afford McRibs even though he works 40 hours a week and has very few bills. He was probably just hungry.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2009-12-04 02:37:15 EST (#)
Rating: 0

WoW... Now I am a self admitted dork but even I have boundaries. -1

Tipping at McD's in a former life I worked there for 3 years. I was either their best or 2nd best employee depending on who you asked, and in accordance with company policy I refused tips. They were only ever offered on 5 ocassions, in 3 years. Thank you for tipping. If you want fresh frys request them. The McRib is fucking awesome BTW, even better w/ extra pickles and black olives though :) +2

You are nuts to quit your job on a spur of the moment decision but I've done it so how can I judge? Why berate your former boss though? the poor bastard probably sat around for an hour wondering why you hate him and assuming that he was the reason you quit. Did you actually have a reason for quitting? -1


Submitted by Ducky at 2009-12-03 20:38:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm not sure you can help me with anything. Fat takes time and gay is cool, but there's really no excuse for you to be greasy dear (says the truckstop waitress called Flo...my name is not Flo btw and I don't work at a truckstop...that made little sense because I don't know Flo and if I did I'm not sure that she'd say that to you because she doesn't know you but then again neither do I...blinks). Anyways, I would like to recommend MC Chris to you if you don't already listen to him. Wika wika wika.

Submitted by catscradle at 2009-12-03 19:52:39 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I hope you choked on your freshly crisp french fries.

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2009-12-03 02:16:37 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Cats: People who work in an industry that expects tips, i.e. waiters, bartenders, bellhops, etc.

At McDonald's they had about 5 or so large french fry containers full of french fries. After I tipped the HA, she literally scooped a fresh bit of fresh french fries in to the container that would eventually make it's way to my bag.

Who tips McDonald's employees? Fucking me bitch fucking me.

The better question would be: Who wants fresh french fries?

Eat it.


Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2009-12-03 02:12:53 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I am fat and greasy. I am gay. And I'm planning on getting the hell fuck out of this shit hole.

It stinks here.

What else can I help you with?

Submitted by catscradle at 2009-12-02 23:48:36 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Who the fuck tips at McDonalds????!

Submitted by apollo88 at 2009-12-02 23:43:30 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-12-02 09:33:33 CST (#)
Ranking: -1

For even thinking about actually trying to convince someone in a bookstore that vampires in Anne Rice books are serious but those stupid sparkly Twilight ones are not.

hahaahha, and that.

Submitted by iddqd at 2009-12-02 20:45:41 EST (#)
Rating: 0

vampires are gay and overdone. i hate vampires they are anal leakage.

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-12-02 14:15:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I only know this 'world of warcraft' as Southpark depicts it.

Shall I assume that you are fat, greasy, and sitting in a pile of your own excrement?

Submitted by august_sobriquet at 2009-12-02 13:54:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"A" for Effort, keep pluggin away you crazy gayer

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2009-12-02 13:25:02 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-12-02 13:11:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

why did you have to buy new work clothes when you quit your job?


I think he considers raiding in WoW to be "work". He needs to replace his T-shirt as the cheetos stains had gotten excessive.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2009-12-02 13:11:01 EST (#)
Rating: 0

why did you have to buy new work clothes when you quit your job?

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2009-12-02 11:35:14 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Jeez FG, get off the coffee and change the rag already. While I can see your position you are making snap judgments. How do you know he doesn't have a savings account that he wants to live from for the next few years? Also, I think the episode with the borders clerk was meant to be funny but the clerk didn't have a sense of humor. Of course, I could be wrong in which case I don't apologize but ffs woman!

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-12-02 11:30:50 EST (#)
Rating: -1

You really sound like a Grade-A asshole.

Please don't tell us you live at home AND playing WoW all day because if you are, you should be bludgeoned with the hardbacks of both the entire Anne Rice vampire chronicles and the Twilight series. Simultaneously.

You quit your job and were a douche to your boss who you admitted wasn't a bad guy. Plus you quit on a whim, during this economy, without having another job lined up. Therefore you either live at home (in which case, see above), or you're sponging off somebody who is out there busting their ass. Either way spells loser.

You acted like a jackass to a Border's clerk who is probably barely earning a living wage and is nearly ready to go postal because of...JACKASS CUSTOMERS LIKE YOU!

And fuck McDonalds.

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2009-12-02 11:03:32 EST (#)
Rating: -1

So, fundamentally you spent your weekend playing WoW and reading gay Anne Rice vampire novels?

That's so sad I don't even have a witty put down for it.

Submitted by nanceepants at 2009-12-02 10:38:21 EST (#)
Rating: 0

-2 because this is a choppy mess of a rant with no beginning middle or end, and quite frankly if i had been that cashier at Borders i would have bitch slapped your emo ass.
but now apparently your an out of work bartender, so you can strip in the evenings if you need to, so grab a pole and head to the nearest gay night club my friend +2

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2009-12-02 10:33:33 EST (#)
Rating: -1

For even thinking about actually trying to convince someone in a bookstore that vampires in Anne Rice books are serious but those stupid sparkly Twilight ones are not.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2009-12-02 10:13:40 EST (#)
Rating: 0

you could always move.

Submitted by icarus1987 at 2009-12-02 09:22:27 EST (#)
Rating: -2

So you're a melodramatic attention whore. Am I supposed to be impressed or something?..

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2009-12-02 08:46:44 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Not quite sure about this but the line about not sparkling in the sun saved this from negativity.

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2009-12-02 08:38:53 EST (#)
Rating: -2


Submitted by cheerios at 2009-12-02 07:43:33 EST (#)
Rating: -2

playing wow... -2
bashing republicans.... -2
decent story... +1
effort... +1

so that equals -2.

Submitted by TuTs at 2009-12-02 04:56:21 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Yes EI post.

SO Murphy have you read the Sookie Stackhouse series?

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-12-02 04:27:19 EST (#)
Rating: 1

ei may post

Submitted by spuj at 2009-12-02 04:15:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Bit random, but you kept me interested on a slow day at work.

I nearly had to -2DIE your ass for playing WoW. But im feeling nice.

Sort of

Submitted by joedaddy at 2009-12-02 02:17:58 EST (#)
Rating: 0

well, you stayed out of the dirt for another day

there's that

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2009-12-02 01:14:52 EST (#)
Rating: 0

x54: Yeah, there's a couple on 82nd st. One closed down not long ago.

To the other guy: Yes: it's not only worse... it's WAY worse.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2009-12-02 01:05:55 EST (#)
Rating: 1

The worst day in Oregon is like the best day in Toad Suck Arkansas...

Submitted by X54 at 2009-12-02 00:48:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I've been to an Elmer's in Portland. On NE 82nd. I guess there's probably more than one.

Submitted by whiskey_jack at 2009-12-01 23:41:53 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa, and make a fresh
star with Maggie.

-- Homer Simpson
Lisa's Pony