login / register
Rhetoric cannot harm you unless you fear it. As clearly you do.
Welcome to Ubersite!

The Eric Bana Star Trek glass

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2009-05-24 00:52:31 EDT
Rating: 1.53 on 35 ratings (35 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I went to Burger King this evening so I could get a Star Trek glass. I wouldn’t consider myself to be a rabid fan of the series. I’ve never gone to a convention. Never donned make up or learned any swears in Klingon, but I have appreciated the show and its spinoffs. The ridiculousness of a utopian society where people still work even if they don’t have to is mitigated by fancy technology and epic phaser battles. This appreciation has lead me to watch most of the original series as well as Next Generation and Voyager.

(I could never get into Deep Space Nine because they didn’t go anywhere. They boldly explored their backyard. It seemed contrary to the intent of the series, like changing Robot Chicken into a live action drama with an arcing plotline. They should have just call it what it is, Star Trek: Mini Mall Nine. At least then they might have hit the female 31-45 demographic)

On a whim I decided to go to Burger King to revel in my nostalgia and buy one of those collectible glasses they are pushing. The commercials did it for me. Klingons come to your house and steal your Star Trek glass because they are so rad—and why wouldn’t they?

Of course, there’s the whole “why didn’t they just go to BK and steal all the glasses they want” issue. The Klingons only pick on poor saps who fuck their steakhouse burger while staring at Uhura’s cleavage. I guess they are saying that BK security is that good, and burger fuckers are that inept. Maybe BK has a transporter disrupter. Or maybe those BK bigwigs are in league with the Klingons, stealing the glasses back so they can keep reselling them.

Anywho…

I went and I got a steakhouse burger—which incidentally tasted like some guy had fucked it—and a Coke. I didn’t want the Coke. You have to buy the drink or you can’t have your glass. I’d bitch about it, but I think it gives me a greater understanding of what guys go through to get tail. You pay into your coochie quarterlies, often without a return on your investment. Worst of all, the way society is run, you aren’t allowed to say one bad thing about it. Its fucking noble what you brave men endure. Next time I go on a date, I’m guaranteeing an HJ for any entertainment valued at over 10 bucks. That’s just being fair.

I asked the lady in drive thru for a Star Trek glass with my meal. She asked what kind? I said, “Doesn’t matter.” Looking back, it was a huge mistake. If I had thought about it, I would realize that Burger King probably sells a shitload of the good glasses. People want the Kirks and the Spocks and even the Uhuras. But nobody is asking for the Neros a.k.a. Eric Banas. He is the Ugly Duckling. A sad sack. His story parallels another from Voyager, about some jerkoff who lost his family when he used his time control device, and spent two episodes changing history over and over to bring them back. At least that character was deeper. He was getting revenge on his enemies while trying to save his family. Nero just wanted the revenge.

So, because he is such a loser, BK probably has a directive to get rid of those fucking glasses whenever someone is stupid enough to say “doesn’t matter.” The lady handed me Nero with a smile, and I pretended I wasn’t pissed. She probably expected me to say, “Fuck this asshole, give me some of that Quinto shit.” I probably would have, but I didn’t want to appear shallow. Who wants to be judged by teenager making 7 bucks an hour? I also thought about taking the glass out of its box and licking it up the side in a suggestive way, as if I were saying, “Oh yeah, I can work with this!” but I was tired and didn’t feel like pretending I was a crazy whore.”

(Speaking of which, I was in a library and I walked up to a group of people in some lounge chairs because I thought I knew one of them. A girl to my left gave me a look as if to say, “What are you looking at?” Lost for anything else to say, I offered “just browsing” and smiled as I walked away. I thought it was witty at the time, but looking back, it makes me look like a creepy lesbian.)

I’m staring at Bana as I type this. They didn’t use a good picture. He is in profile standing about 20 feet in the distance. Did they think his picture would turn people off their iced teas? That makes his situation even sadder. The consolation, for me, is that Bana glasses might be rare some day. Like the stamp with the upside down airplane. Maybe I could sell it and buy a time machine and go back and tell myself not to buy the Bana glass. But then I would get a headache from the paradox, and start ranting to Riker about firing the deflector pulse in three different time periods while Q orgasms. Seems like it would be a hassle.







looked for the nero glass but this one kicks ass.JPG
looked for the nero glass but this one kicks ass.JPG


Review This Item

Rating:

Comment:




Reviews


Submitted by JonnyX at 2015-01-23 13:58:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

tasty

Submitted by Loren at 2015-01-23 13:41:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Unabonger at 2009-06-01 12:12:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It's not really that ridiculous. The old tipping point used to be lobster dinner and a movie. If a guy gets you a crustacean, ya got to give back.

But when you think about it, it is a recession. 10 bucks means a lot more now.

___________


you're funny!

Submitted by thecaes at 2009-06-01 01:01:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Every time you post, it's friggin' hilarious.

Submitted by SullyThePirate at 2009-05-31 15:59:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

cue Conan O'Brien nerd voice

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-05-27 08:00:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Next time I go on a date, I'm guaranteeing an HJ for any entertainment valued at over 10 bucks. That's just being fair.
=======================

You have my enduring respect for your hard work towards equality of the sexes.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2009-05-27 04:38:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MyNameIsTim at 2009-05-26 18:55:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

everybody loves an HJ.

Submitted by crsunlimited at 2009-05-26 14:29:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for the picture of one of the original Star Trek The motion Picture Glasses. My dad had the whole set of the original glasses 20 some odd years ago, but sadly they are gone now.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-05-26 09:21:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Weird, Sam Kinison died on my birthday. Not sure if that means anything, but I'm going to assume when his soul left his body, it entered me. And I was only 8 years old. The pervert.

I'm going to sue his wife for posthumous sexual harrassment of a minor.

Also, the approach with the ice cream is excellent.

You should also do it to fat people. It's the best way to make friends with them.

Plus, next time, don't use the last comma. I think you could market the Ice Cream Cone Cunt

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2009-05-26 09:10:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Oh, you're sneaky angry. You start off all "do dee do dee do" and then throw some Sam Kinison in there.

I think a big triple XL shirt that read "I'm fat" would be perfect. It would elicit a chuckle from me every time, guaranteed.

Unless some thin bitch wore it as a joke, then I'd fucking smash an ice cream in her face and say "Here! take it you fat fuck! You're fat so, you must be hungry. HERE. YUMMY YUMMY. EAT YOUR ICE CREAM CONE, CUNT!"

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-05-26 09:00:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Tough crowd.

But I'm sure there is an entertaining enough t-shirt out there that someone could wear.

Not me, because the only t-shirts that fit me tend to be oversized ones that fat people give to charity shops once they lose weight. And fat people tend to draw attention away from their guts, not use it to publish a punchline.

Unless they're one of those weird people who's proud to be a health risk. In which case it's normally something really funny like "I'm a super fat fuck, but still hot" or they spell fat like 'phat', which just makes them such a complete assfuck that I want to kill them.

I fucking hate people who spell it phat. What sort of cunt thinks that's cool? A stupid one.

Pricks.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2009-05-26 08:37:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-05-26 03:36:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Deep Space 9 was the best. There was intruige, political rivalry, betrayal and a variety of charachters.

Saying you don't like DS9 is the equivilant of saying "I don't like mainlining heroin because it just feels too awesome".

==========================

It's a show about a galactic gas station. It's like, instead of making a show about a submarine crew in the navy, they make one about a buoy out in middle of the harbor. "Which way will it bob this week?!"

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2009-05-26 08:29:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-05-26 04:20:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

What if it was a $10 t-shirt with something really funny on it? That must surely count as entertainment.

===============================================
I'm hazy on something. Are you wearing it to the date, or are you gifting it to me?

If you were wearing it, the only thing funny enough to qualify would be a shirt that said, "I got an HJ because I wore this shirt," but then I couldn't give you the HJ because I wouldn't want to be the sort that gives ironic HJ's.

Submitted by YourNameHere at 2009-05-26 04:50:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-05-26 04:20:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

What if it was a $10 t-shirt with something really funny on it? That must surely count as entertainment.

Submitted by Berty at 2009-05-26 03:36:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Deep Space 9 was the best. There was intruige, political rivalry, betrayal and a variety of charachters.

Saying you don't like DS9 is the equivilant of saying "I don't like mainlining heroin because it just feels too awesome".

Submitted by Cakes at 2009-05-26 01:16:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by reginajacks at 2009-05-25 23:10:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2009-05-25 23:07:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-05-25 19:30:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

What if someone just turns up and tells you they spent $10 on a new shirt for the
date? Because then the date could be over on the doorstep.

==========================

I don't think that qualifies as entertainment. That's just barter.

Submitted by sir_cowman at 2009-05-25 21:26:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Next time I go on a date, I'm guaranteeing an HJ for any entertainment valued at over 10 bucks. That's just being fair.

____________

plus two for the hopes that it might result in me being able to take you out to del taco for an all you can eat burrito fest and a HJ. i hope you're not a dude. meh. it wouldnt really matter.

Submitted by SaintGutFree at 2009-05-25 20:23:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Very witty prose. You have the ability to make an otherwise prosaic situation very interesting and funny. I'll enjoying reading more from you!

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-05-25 19:30:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

What if someone just turns up and tells you they spent $10 on a new shirt for the
date? Because then the date could be over on the doorstep.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2009-05-25 14:21:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-05-25 09:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Next time I go on a date, I'm guaranteeing an HJ for any entertainment valued at over 10 bucks. That's just being fair.
===
Way to raise the curve for all of us, Ally!

===========================

It's not really that ridiculous. The old tipping point used to be lobster dinner and a movie. If a guy gets you a crustacean, ya got to give back.

But when you think about it, it is a recession. 10 bucks means a lot more now.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2009-05-25 14:14:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by osmosianist (user info) at 2009-05-25 11:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

The awkward sentences in this post were too many to ignore. I'm sorry, but I have to give this post a -2.

===========================================

Outgrageous. I only counted, like, four. Of them. In there. *picture of a pedophile getting caught masturbating in a janitors' closet at Chucky cheese*

I JUST HAVE A HIGH METABOLISM!!!
http://thechive.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/awkward-funny-pics-sd-1.jpg


Submitted by osmosianist at 2009-05-25 11:18:30 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

The awkward sentences in this post were too many to ignore. I'm sorry, but I have to give this post a -2.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2009-05-25 10:20:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I think Eric Bana is a shitty actor. For some reason, I don't even like looking at his face. I want to punch the guy.

And that poker movie he made was fucking horrible.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2009-05-25 09:25:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Next time I go on a date, I'm guaranteeing an HJ for any entertainment valued at over 10 bucks. That's just being fair.
===
Way to raise the curve for all of us, Ally!

Submitted by bustedcompass at 2009-05-24 21:09:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I saw the movie today and it was great. I was into the original series as a kid, never really got into the later spinoffs.

I would rate the post a zero, but +1 for the retro shot of the glass from the original Star Trek flick with the bald chick.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-05-24 21:00:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've got all four collectable 'Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' glasses from the late 80's.

They lasted 20 years, until I finally live on my own, when I manage to smash Donatello and Leonardo within two weeks.

Nearly cried, and I can't bring myself to throw away the pieces.

Fuck Leonardo, but Donatello is one of my favourites.

Poor me

Submitted by MyOwnLittleWorld at 2009-05-24 15:36:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart at 2009-05-24 12:07:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That'd be the best $10.01 most of us could ever spend.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2009-05-24 08:04:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

One of the commercials for those glasses inclused a demonstration of the "Kingon Nipple Pinch". It's official: there is no reason to go to Burger King ever again.

"The ridiculousness of a utopian society where people still work even if they don't have to...". I'd make an Obama-related comment on that, but it really makes itself.

Submitted by rob_berg at 2009-05-24 05:00:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


I saw Star Trek this afternoon.

My inner nerd rejoiced.

Loved it.






"pretending" below.

Submitted by mystiamoon at 2009-05-24 00:57:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"I was tired and didn't feel like pretending I was a crazy whore."




I am NEVER too tired for that.
What else is there to do for fun in this world?


I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just go with a muumuu.

-- Homer Simpson
King-Size Homer