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A Typical Day on the T...

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2008-12-04 05:54:20 EST
Rating: 1.43 on 45 ratings (45 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

A 13-year-old girl stood in front of my seat on a packed subway car and yelled over to her friend at the door.

“Oh my god, hi!”

“Awww! Hi!”

“Guess what!?!”

“What?”

“Todd gave me the key to his house”

“Todd?”

“The guy who sits behind you in World Cultures.”

“Awwwww. He’s awesome!”

“Yeah, I know!” The 13-year-old reached into her shirt and withdrew a lanyard wrapped around her neck. At the end was a pair of shiny keys.

“Awww!”

“Yeah. He just gave them to me. His parents are away for the weekend. He said, ‘you can just give it back to me tomorrow or whatever.’ Can you believe it! We weren’t even going together before this.”

“That’s so cool!”

“I know! Wait…I forget your name?”

“Janey.”

“Right, sorry. I’m Alex if you forgot…”

“I didn’t.”

“It’s short for Alexia! Sometimes people call me Lexi or Bubbles.”

Bubbles’ hand grabbed the bar next to my head. A crude star (in blue ink) was drawn on the back.

“Anyway, yeah, so, I didn’t even tell you the best part!”

“Awww. What!?!”

“When school ended today he walked up to me and was like, “Do you want to go to Semi?!”

“Awwww!”

“And I was like, sure I’d love to go to Semi!”

“Wow, Semi!”

“I’m so excited! I’m going to Semi with Todd!!”

“Oh crap!”

“What?”

“I didn’t even tell you how we started talking.”

“How?”

“Well, I tore my shirt one day and every time I got bored I’d tear a little more. I figured, what the heck, it’s ruined anyway.”

“Yeah, sure”

“So I did this like forever, then I tore it on the other side so it would match. By the end of school it was all the way up to here.” She pointed at her armpits and giggled. “So, anyway, it was barely hanging on and we were all waiting on the subway platform when this creep ran by and tugged it so it completely ripped off!”

“No way!”

“Yeah! So Todd was there, and he saw this so he put his arm around my shoulders to protect me.”

“He protected you! Awww! That’s so sweet!”

“Yeah! He’s always doing stuff like that!”

“Wow!”

“He even…

I coughed politely

Bubbles paused and gave me a look.

I shook my head. “Not for nothing, but he’s probably just making a play at your yum yum.

Bubbles’ eyes widened. Everyone else within earshot pretended to be deaf. “Are you talking to me?”

“Five bucks says that the next time you guys are alone, he’ll try to protect your vagina by sticking his dick in it.”

Looking slightly flustered “We’re having a private conversation.”

“Sorry but I’ve been there. First he puts an arm around your shoulders, then he’ll turn down the lights and play some Dave Matthews…I guess today’s equivalent would be the Jonas Brothers. Or maybe Timberlake. ”

“We’re getting off on the next stop..so”

“Did you know their saxophonist died? I lost my cherry during one of his solos.”

An older man sitting to my right: “You really shouldn’t…”

I ignored him “What a sad day that was…when he died, I mean. I lit a candle.”

Bubbles was now drifting toward her acquaintance/friend making faces express how insane I was.

As we approached the stop, I yelled. “Whatever you do, don’t go all Juno after he knocks you up. You kill that baby!” I turned back to the older gentleman. “I was 12 and I kept mine. He’s 15 now.” I sighed. “He must think I’m an asshole or something. He jerks off with my Victoria Secret and wipes his hand on the cover.

“Who needs that shit, right?”

Bubbles and Janey left in giggles and I unruffled my copy of the Metro. “Pfft. No one needs that.

"Fuckin’ shit.”









stars are nice but horsies are hardcore.jpg
stars are nice but horsies are hardcore.jpg


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Reviews


Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2015-01-23 15:44:51 EST (#)
Rating: -2

fag below

Submitted by JonnyX at 2015-01-23 14:00:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

man you write good shit

Submitted by Loren at 2015-01-23 13:46:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Submitted by Desidiosuss at 2008-12-10 23:38:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You are the reason I Uber."

--------

Me too.

Submitted by Desidiosuss at 2008-12-10 23:38:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You are the reason I Uber.

Submitted by jared.melton at 2008-12-09 03:15:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Holy shit.

Submitted by darko at 2008-12-07 04:06:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by angrydrunk86 at 2008-12-07 00:28:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

you always have the best experiences on public transportation. my favorite is the jesus freak, "good morning, Jesus loves you my brohter". then they tell you of there life before jesus ussually how they were crack whores now its jesus this jesus that. why do all the failures of life cling to jesus when there so close to the end even if they've been a sespool of sin there entire life. Jews am i right.

let me get an AMEN!!!!!!

Submitted by Kaelic at 2008-12-07 00:09:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Amazing.

Submitted by pandora at 2008-12-06 17:38:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I heart AllyJeans.






Submitted by JonnyX at 2008-12-06 13:47:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'd love to play with your yum yum

Submitted by creep_firebombing at 2008-12-05 07:09:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

he's probably just making a play at your yum yum

Submitted by Lib at 2008-12-04 16:46:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I love being the Crazy ol' lady too. Something just takes you over and you have to say whats on your mind..ehh you WERE just trying to help her.

Submitted by Cyrus at 2008-12-04 16:23:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I liked this.

Submitted by Dimenhydrinate at 2008-12-04 16:08:29 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I just spewed my seed all over my dog.

Nice hand.

Thank you.

Submitted by Dimenhydrinate at 2008-12-04 16:04:00 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I just spewed my seed all over my dog's back.

Nice hand.

Thank you.

Submitted by beeltea at 2008-12-04 15:20:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

super

Submitted by Plus2 at 2008-12-04 14:31:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-12-04 10:49:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I've fancied you ever since I read that thing about the banana-willy.

Submitted by Sage at 2008-12-04 13:24:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by retrospect at 2008-12-04 12:26:05 EST (#)
Rating: 0

just read the reviews.. not the green line :(

Submitted by retrospect at 2008-12-04 12:23:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

greenline i bet

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2008-12-04 11:12:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Brava

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2008-12-04 10:49:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I've fancied you ever since I read that thing about the banana-willy.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2008-12-04 10:41:59 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by kovalevmk (user info) at 2008-12-04 10:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

Ally, did you ever play a game called TA?

=================

Never heard of it.

Submitted by simple_catalyst at 2008-12-04 10:26:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

noise.

Submitted by kovalevmk at 2008-12-04 10:00:23 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Ally, did you ever play a game called TA?

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2008-12-04 09:35:17 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-12-04 07:23:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
...

I was in a bus crash on Wednesday, Driver went into a tree. It was quite surreal. Some people were abit hurt. just a few bloody noses. I just walked off the bus, had a smoke and jumped on the next one that came by.
-----
In America it is highly likely that, nosebleeds or no, every single passenger on that bus would be suing the driver, the company that operates the busses, and the city that bought them for just stupid amounts of money.

Submitted by congo at 2008-12-04 09:18:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Doodles at 2008-12-04 09:16:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

that poor kid is gonig to have heart attack before she is 20.

the one in the picture.

jesus.

Submitted by kaos-king at 2008-12-04 08:57:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2008-12-04 08:53:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ally out of respect for your track record you'll ALWAYS get +2's from me!

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2008-12-04 08:47:08 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2008-12-04 08:36:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I'm going to guess the orange line, these sound like some Jamacia Plain peoples.

========================================

Nope, red line outbound. They departed at Quincy Center the little darlings.




Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-12-04 08:04:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Ally's lowest rated post ever?

hmmmmmmm Alterriffic

==================

Sometimes you pull the pin and the grenade doesn't go off. I'll grow from this experience and hopefully become a better person.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-12-04 08:37:09 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Adamdidit2u at 2008-12-04 08:36:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm going to guess the orange line, these sound like some Jamacia Plain peoples.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2008-12-04 08:24:50 EST (#)
Rating: 0

holy I've taken over the Ally account...

neener neener.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-12-04 08:18:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

If I had no self control I would have lol-ed

Submitted by ASO at 2008-12-04 08:09:24 EST (#)
Rating: 0

who's the alter, Sarge? Anybody who rated this less than a 1 has been here for years.

I just DID NOT READ THIS because I was distracted by that giant hand.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2008-12-04 08:04:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ally's lowest rated post ever?

hmmmmmmm Alterriffic

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2008-12-04 07:50:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I liked this. It reminds me of the time I had a discussion with two 14 year old Wigger boys about their trousers.

See, both boys had trousers on that were 10 sizes too big for them and impeded their movement. I began asking various questions.

First they tried to ignore me but after a few minutes, it became obvious to them that I wasn't going to go away. They had that uncomfortable facial expression that people get when talking to a crazy person. Finally they just made a break for it and scooted off.

Old age has its priviledges.



Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2008-12-04 07:23:09 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-12-04 06:59:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

It is the possibility of having to listen to conversations like that which keeps me off public transportation

---

I was in a bus crash on Wednesday, Driver went into a tree. It was quite surreal. Some people were abit hurt. just a few bloody noses. I just walked off the bus, had a smoke and jumped on the next one that came by.

I feel now that it was selfish of me.

Whatever, public transportation sucks. I hate everything about it. Why is it always the smelly people that sit next to you? Or when you're dying to pee and it stops at every single busstop.

and then there's the indian girl who sits behind you and chews her gum open mouthed so all you smell is mint flavoured curry, and the smacking noise of her chewing makes you realise that maybe you ARE capable of killing someone without remorse.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-12-04 07:00:51 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2008-12-04 06:59:53 EST (#)
Rating: 1

It is the possibility of having to listen to conversations like that which keeps me off public transportation.

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2008-12-04 06:49:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i'm quite drunk. i liked it.

quite.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2008-12-04 06:41:26 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2008-12-04 06:34:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2

-1 for freaky thick wrist
-1 for a symbol I'm pretty sure is being used for witchcraft

==================================

Haha, wow, tough room this AM. I'll have to be more careful with my picture selection in the future.

Anyway, forgot to add this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSUJwQSiAGc

Submitted by whiskey_jack at 2008-12-04 06:34:49 EST (#)
Rating: -2

-1 for freaky thick wrist
-1 for a symbol I'm pretty sure is being used for witchcraft

Submitted by ASO at 2008-12-04 06:06:45 EST (#)
Rating: 0

that hand contains more fat than jgreening's entire body.


I'll work from midnight to eight, come home, sleep for five minutes, eat
breakfast, sleep six more minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to bask
in Lisa's love, then I'm off to the power plant fresh as a daisy.

-- Homer Simpson
Lisa's Pony