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My Name Is Shubert

Submitted by Replen at 2008-05-13 14:20:26 EDT
Rating: 0.65 on 15 ratings (15 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

It was a Saturday night and I had been in the pub drinking from early afternoon. I was talking to a girl and for once it was going well, I’d got past all the flirty banter crap and was kissing her outside in the beer garden. I’d taken our coats outside to indicate that it was time to move on to her place for a game of "hide the sausage". I had to say it twice for her to understand as I was drunk and slurring quite badly. I took her agreement to my uncouth proposition as validation that yes, she really was that fat, ugly and desperate, and it wasn’t just my beer vision.

Thankfully she lived rather close to the pub which was great as it gave her less time to back out and me less distance to stagger as the Guinness and vodka chasers were really starting to kick in. We paused at her front door and she told me to be quiet whilst she checked if her flatmate was in. The coast was clear and we headed straight up the stairs to her room. We discarded our clothes, jumped onto the bed and I started to enthusiastically smash the granny out of her.

I was approaching the vinegar strokes and this excitement led me to temporarily lose control of my bowels and I let rip with a wicked fart. The impact was immediate. The smell, the taste even. It was truly horrendous; a real eye-ball burner that seemed to suck all the oxygen out of the room and left us both gasping for air.

I found myself flying back as she pushed me off of her and screamed at me for being a disgusting cunt and to get out of her house immediately. She was rather intimidating with her red face and angry demeanour moving towards me so I decided to quickly grab my clothes and head down the stairs to the front door.

She didn’t follow me down and I heard her door slam so I paused to put on my clothes. However my attention was being diverted to my now throbbing dick. I was past the point of no return, I medically needed to blow my load or my balls would explode.

I can only blame alcohol for the sudden great idea I had that I should have a super quick wank before I left and that I should blurt it into her shoe that was by the door. I stood there in the hallway with my right hand performing a 5 knuckle shuffle and my left hand holding the shoe in place.

At almost the same moment I was squirting my love juice into the shoe I heard movement to the side of me and immediately looked up to see the front door open and one of the other girls from the pub (the flat mate) staring at me in a state of speechless astonishment. Making this situation even worse was the fact that my brother with whom I'd been drinking with was standing behind her in rgw door way with a look of amazement. I barged past them both and fled down the road towards the train station all the while hearing my brother laughing himself silly in the background. It was only when I approached the entrance to the station that I stopped running and realised that I still had the shoe in my hand and my cock was out. I put myself away, put the shoe in a bin and went home in state of utter devastation to hide in my room for the rest of eternity.

My brother found out the full story and needless to say told everyone. For the last 2 weeks everyone from my local newsagent to the pub landlord has been calling me “shoe-blurt” and it's showing no sign of calming off. A life time isn’t enough time to live this one down.

Damn you alcohol. Once a great friend, now a sworn enemy.



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Submitted by ridiculous at 2011-05-31 06:35:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*slow clap and shit eating grin*

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-05-31 05:03:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You should have spurted on the flat mate and thrown the shoe at your brother.

Submitted by Beano312003 at 2008-05-14 15:28:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

OMG THE SAME THING DIDN'T HAPPEN TO ME.

Submitted by Berty at 2008-05-14 04:16:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I thought this was very funny, a little perplexed by the low rating.

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2008-05-13 21:03:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-13 18:55:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

..."I live on the second floor..."
================
"My name is Luka."

Submitted by Shlongy at 2008-05-13 18:55:07 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

..."I live on the second floor..."

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2008-05-13 18:05:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Just remember: emoticons are used by teenage girls and fags.

Certain users here have told me as much. Saccy reamed me once for using them, and Caulaincourt uses them frequently. Point made.
:-/

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2008-05-13 18:02:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-05-13 16:17:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Sherbet? (pronounced "sure-bay" or "sure-bet"?

It was a FUCKING JOKE YOU FUCKING MORON.
=============================
Which is precisely why emoticons serve a purpose. :)

Submitted by Yozz at 2008-05-13 16:17:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sherbet? (pronounced "sure-bay" or "sure-bet"?

It was a FUCKING JOKE YOU FUCKING MORON.

Submitted by Hookhand at 2008-05-13 15:47:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-05-13 14:21:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

It's spelled s-h-e-r-b-e-r-t you fucking moron.
==============================

Actually, it's not. S-h-e-r-b-e-t, you fucking moron.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2008-05-13 15:32:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I loled

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2008-05-13 14:46:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-05-13 14:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Shoewhacker.

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2008-05-13 14:35:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Shoewhacker.

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2008-05-13 14:22:45 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Or Schubert.

Submitted by Yozz at 2008-05-13 14:21:50 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

It's spelled s-h-e-r-b-e-r-t you fucking moron.


Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world.

-- Homer Simpson
El Viaje Misterioso De Nuestro Jomer