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Worthless Story + camwhore

Submitted by Unabonger at 2007-03-26 21:42:16 EDT
Rating: 0.83 on 34 ratings (34 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

in relation to: http://www.ubersite.com/m/100065


Liz was probably a very ugly child. She didn't quite make my cut. Not like I'm too picky, mind you, but I do have standards. She was just below them. Sub-par if you will. She had a nice body, in her defense, and her face wasn't really too terrible but there was something about her. And, through the drunken haze of that night, I can't today put my thumb on exactly what it was, more of a combination of things probably. But something about this girl was fugly. She had huge funbags but they were super droopy and big-nippled and she wore a sports bra cause a regular bra (you know, the kind you wear when you want to go out and get laid) "hurts my sides!! boo hoo?". She wore too much makeup and had big Texas hair. And she acted...well...

I was introduced to her by the red head in my uberdirectory camwhore. I really wanted to bang the redhead at the time but she had a boyfriend and she decided to hook me up with snaggletooth. Anyway, I'm spending my time flirting with Red and I have some friends over and we're drinking and having a good time and all. One thing leads to another and we're playing highschool bullshit like strip poker. Red and her friend Liz lost. Someone around then suggested a wrestling match and Liz, very drunk and Red, always up for giving the men around her a boner, agreed.

Naked girly wrestling night at Unabonger's pad! YAY! I remember my next door neighboor coming over breifly. I always invited him over during a shindig up to that point but he always refused. He came over that night and, since then, knocked on my door every night to see what was up. Sadly, naked girly wrestling night never occured but whatever. Back to Liz.

Liz was super drunk. She's saying outlandish shit like a bitch in heat trying to get any guy in the place to shag her. Nobody's biting. Red and I start making out. Her boyfriend gets off work and comes over. Everyone leaves and I'm left with damaged pride and a slightly sore set of testicles. Liz calls me.

Liz: You want I should (hic) come back over??

Unabonger: ummm...

Unabonger's brain: I'll never forgive you.

Unabonger's cack: What the hell, it's pussy.

Unabonger's brain: No. Absolutely not. There is no way.

Unabonger's eyes: Hey guys, thought I'd let you know, Dave left half a bottle of Makers Mark on the counter. Just some FYI there.

Unabonger's brain: I suppose I can make an exception.

Unabonger: Sure come over.

Unabonger's cack: Right on!


She comes over and I start drinking like it's going illegal tomorrow. I get completely shnockered on whiskey and we start shagging. I can't get off. It sucks. I'm doing what I can, she's moaning like a stuck sea lion, I'm not soft but I'm laying pipe with a semi if you get me. I get bored. After sweating out more of the liquor, boredom starts to turn into disgust...then to humiliation. I pulled my dick out of her, got up, threw my robe on and, I'll never forget my words, I said:

"I'm getting in the shower, why don't you get the fuck out of here?"

I didn't wait for a response, walked into the bathroom, locked the door, and turned on the shower. She knocked on the door a couple times but I was busy finishing myself off and didn't say anything. She called me for about a week or two but I never answered or returned her calls.

This story is 100% true (which is why it's not more entertaining). I'm a bad person (or I was then) and Liz, if you're out there, I'm sorry for being so coarse.

Don't act like a drunk whore and maybe you'll get more respect but that doesn't excuse my choice of words.

I fucked an ugly chick but shut up so have you.JPG
I fucked an ugly chick but shut up so have you.JPG


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Submitted by The-Armed-Samurai at 2008-07-05 14:44:53 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by mr-bee (user info) at 2007-03-28 09:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

i think you are a unfunny cunt.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2007-03-28 18:27:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you probably should not have said the word 'fuck' to her

Submitted by Unabonger at 2007-03-28 15:09:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

yeah?

okay. fuck yourself then.

Submitted by mr-bee at 2007-03-28 09:25:06 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

i think you are a unfunny cunt.

Submitted by coley at 2007-03-27 15:09:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-03-27 10:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1

wow, you're a dick. but i still kinda laughed so i feel like a cunt.
----------
dick and a cunt?
you two should get together.

Submitted by Unabonger at 2007-03-27 14:58:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-03-27 10:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

You know the German terrorists from the Die Hard movies...are you one of them?

No, honestly...you are, arent you?

____

yes. I'm the Nazi from Raiders too.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2007-03-27 10:29:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

wow, you're a dick. but i still kinda laughed so i feel like a cunt.

Submitted by scourge at 2007-03-27 10:22:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

YOU ARE ONE UGLY SON OF A BITCH. SHAVE THAT GROTESQUE MESS OFF YOUR FACE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTIklFsMjjU

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys at 2007-03-27 10:08:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You know the German terrorists from the Die Hard movies...are you one of them?

No, honestly...you are, arent you?

Submitted by SPECIALk at 2007-03-27 08:51:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

hahahahah...i love rorrim

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2007-03-27 07:46:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You and frankthebear look like twins.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Submitted by rorrim at 2007-03-27 06:00:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

You're an ugly asshole... But you already knew, huh?

Send the bitch your apologies...dickhead.

Submitted by Hookhand at 2007-03-26 23:52:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I don't know how to feel about this. It was kind of funny, yet sufficiently mean. The real question is, how are you getting above 0 with this? I find it hard to get behind a protagonist who was that mean to someone who really didn't deserve it, no matter how hilarious a quip he used.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-26 23:30:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've never done it before, but if a man said that to me I'd probably kick him in the dick.

+2 picz plz

Submitted by ih8u2man at 2007-03-26 23:27:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"I'm getting in the shower, why don't you get the fuck out of here?"


000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


very Bukowski of you.

Submitted by Axolotl at 2007-03-26 23:23:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-03-26 22:52:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

shut the fuck up, maltese.

man i have a million of these tales.

once I fucked a retard by accident.

true story.



-------

sweet jesus

Submitted by coley at 2007-03-26 23:16:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Jesus christ.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2007-03-26 22:52:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

shut the fuck up, maltese.

man i have a million of these tales.

once I fucked a retard by accident.

true story.


Submitted by Axolotl at 2007-03-26 22:44:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Unfunniest reply ever below.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-03-26 22:41:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

The only "crush" you'll be having is a horse crush you in your futile attempts to compulate with it, à la Catherine the Great.

Submitted by Unabonger at 2007-03-26 22:40:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Maltese has a cruch on me. All you have to do is tell them to shut up and the bitches are all over you.

by bitches I meant Maltese.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-03-26 22:39:33 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

It's only irony if there's iron in it.

Like coppery or nickely.

DONT YOU READ TEH DICKTIONARY LOLZ

Submitted by Unabonger at 2007-03-26 22:39:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

for sure.

Submitted by Zebra at 2007-03-26 22:38:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Don't fucking bring Sandy into this.

On a side note, I think it's funny that Maltese showed up right behing me here.

At least we can agree on the irony there.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-03-26 22:38:01 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

wat r u mad just cuz u tk him 2da bar|?

Submitted by Unabonger at 2007-03-26 22:37:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Shut the fuck up Maltese. Go fuck your mail order.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-03-26 22:33:58 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

lol u tk him 2da bar|?

Submitted by Unabonger at 2007-03-26 22:21:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Really, Zebra? I thought it was a character study possibly involving a Sandra Bullock type as the your girl who brings my shamelessness out and makes me realize there's more to life than this promiscuity and apathy towards direction in my professional career.

But whatever.

Submitted by Director at 2007-03-26 22:19:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

When I was 18 I banged a big fat ugly 40 year old chick that was a friend of my step-mother's.

I accidentally left my necktie at her house and she called me for a week suggesting I come and get it.

Naturally I never saw that necktie again.

My step-mother found out and was disgusted, with her, and, to a slightly less extent, me.

I've done some pretty stupid shit in my life.

Sometimes gotta wonder how I've made it this friggin far.

Submitted by Zebra at 2007-03-26 22:15:06 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

This is a stupid, boring post.

If it's really true, perhaps you should apologize to the girl personally instead of ridiculing her on the internet.

Exaggerate and fictionalize your life experiences if you expect them to be an interesting read.

This was like JoeyG without humor, wit, or style.

Submitted by Habeeb Thomas PhD at 2007-03-26 22:13:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

u looka like jeffrey dahmer

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2007-03-26 22:00:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-26 21:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1

I don't think you did anything wrong.

I've used the same line on Mrs. Shlongy.
---------------
<generic "who hasn't" type comment>

Submitted by Shlongy at 2007-03-26 21:56:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I don't think you did anything wrong.

I've used the same line on Mrs. Shlongy.

Submitted by lungfish at 2007-03-26 21:47:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Haha you're an asshole! (Or you were then.)


Come on, honey. You work yourself stupid for this family. If anyone
deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it's you.

-- Homer Simpson
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