Another Horrifying Workplace Shit. (1050 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.63 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by FartSmeller (View user info) at 2007-03-14 13:10:48 EDT
I'm not certain, but I think I may have injured myself.
I worked out this morning and had three scrambled eggs and a strawberry-banana smoothie for breakfast. Now, either the strawberries were rotten, or the eggs came from a dead reptile, because the shit I just took broke my deceased grandmother's heart.
Today started fine. I arrived at the office this morning feeling fairly motivated, and got right to work putting in my two hours of productive activity before unleashing Text Twist on myself.
Sadly, two good hours never happened. First came the icepick in the chest. I'm not sure, but aren't my intestines down near the old hairy o-ring? What type of unholy shit can give you chest pains? Who knows? Then, I broke out in a cold sweat, like a stalker masturbating into his pants while watching a twelve-year-old Eskimo girl change her fur-lined underwear. A thin, reedlike gurgling noise broke from my torso.
At that moment, I thought to myself, "Great, I'm going to shit myself and then die of a heart attack." So much for wearing clean underwear this week. The funny thing is, the shit never asked to come out. Usually once the cold sweats start I have to sprint to the toilet to avoid blanketing my coworkers with a geyser of liquid dung, but not this time!
I calmly got up, patted my pants against my butt to see if any poo had snuck its way out, and walked to the bathroom. I even said a friendly "hello" to Doug on my way by his desk.
Oh, but the smiles stopped about thirty-seven seconds later with the eruption of Mt. Anus. Well, I guess it would be more like a downward-facing volcano. Of shit. I dropped my pants, again very calmly at this point. I had no reason to believe that this was going to be anything but a normal shit, despite the awkward prelude. In any event, it was the most gnarled and grizzled crap I've ever taken.
Why, you ask? Have you ever seen or read Dune? You know the sandworm thing? It was like shitting one of those out. But instead of being a lumpy tube with teeth on the inside, move the teeth to the outside and coat its body with sandpaper. Yeah. It was like shitting an inverted, 80-grit fantasy monster.
And it came out in waves, like the tidal surges of some vast, brown, awful-smelling ocean. The roar was deafening. Wether it was the worm hitting the water at Mach 1, or the friction of my turd cutter and ass hair against the turd making all that noise, I will never know, but when it was done, I felt hollow, violated. As if I'd been reverse-raped by my own stomach and large and small intestines.
What could I do? Try not to cry as I wiped, I guess. But another oddity: the shit didn't burn. I was convinced that I'd just ejected some stomach acid along with the knuckled turd. I braced my feet shoulder-width apart and held on to the handicap rail next to the toilet, setting my will against the broiler that I was certain was warming up in my rectum. No such broiler! My hole was fine. And get this: ONLY ONE WIPE! What the fuck?!
I actually turned to my anus and said, "You're telling me all that setup, the sweating, the disgusting slimy shitting, and this is a one-wipe deal?" Yes, my anus assured me. Yes.
So, I walked past Doug on my way back to write this, noticing his smirks. I tried to courtesy flush the instant the first oil-drop of shit hit the water, but I guess it was just too loud. Fuck you, Doug, like you've never crapped a Lego spaceship or whatever the hell that was. Have a little sympathy.
User Reviews
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-03-16 21:20:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have now...
let me ask you a question to which I'm sure you will have no logical answer to:
Why does it feel like fire but it's liquid?
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-03-15 13:19:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ugh
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-15 08:32:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-14 15:22:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-03-14 15:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
does that mean King Kong-Ding Dong has found a resting place in your orifices?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-15 06:34:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel for you.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-03-14 23:36:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
* * * *
outstanding.
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2007-03-14 23:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So many classic lines.
Submitted by RPharazon (user info) at 2007-03-14 23:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fuck you, Doug, like you've never crapped a Lego spaceship or whatever the hell that was."
GENIUS.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-14 22:10:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Driving back, I had to pull over and stay the night in Needles. Party town. Good times...shitting all night long in Needles. I'm gonna write a country song.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-03-14 22:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I got food poisoning in chinatown too, at hop louie, that cool pagoda place
don't get the shrimp
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-03-14 21:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i go to chinatown once a month (no more, no less) and end up, getting plugged up, for days
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-14 21:39:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I food-poisoned myself in Chinatown-L.A. once. I shat for four days. Some puking too. Good times.
Submitted by eric_the_bread (user info) at 2007-03-14 21:19:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking amazing
Submitted by ritzcrackerjax (user info) at 2007-03-14 19:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed outloud. The story was ok but it had really funny similes and metaphors.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-14 18:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nochitlins (user info) at 2007-03-14 16:55:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh...I'm sorry. Were you under the impression that Ubersite posters can enjoy some status other than obscurity? Perhaps you thought that perfecting your defecation comentary would earn you a columnist job at the Washington Post.
Submitted by mossimo1213 (user info) at 2007-03-14 16:52:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-03-14 16:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2007-03-14 16:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by nochitlins (user info) at 2007-03-14 16:41:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
so this is who "we" is...ah...
Continue, as you feel obligated, to -2 me. It does make for a good giggle. As does shit - when described by most people.
Please continue - I need something to do for the next hour or so
-------------
:(
For someone who giggles at -2's, you sure are a mad little fella. Awww. Don't worry, you'll soon fade into uber obscurity like the rest of the trolls...
Submitted by nochitlins (user info) at 2007-03-14 16:41:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
so this is who "we" is...ah...
Continue, as you feel obligated, to -2 me. It does make for a good giggle. As does shit - when described by most people.
Please continue - I need something to do for the next hour or so
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2007-03-14 16:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-14 16:40:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Wether it was the worm hitting the water at Mach 1, or the friction of my turd cutter and ass hair against the turd making all that noise, I will never know..."
Hilarious. Although I do think you meant whether, not wether.
-----------
Fucking whether. Gets me everytime. I can never decide wheather to use one or the other.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-14 16:40:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Wether it was the worm hitting the water at Mach 1, or the friction of my turd cutter and ass hair against the turd making all that noise, I will never know..."
Hilarious. Although I do think you meant whether, not wether.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2007-03-14 16:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by nochitlins (user info) at 2007-03-14 16:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shit makes funny subjectmatter. You, however, manage to make it lame. I feel better knowing the caliber of poster critiquing my own stupidity
---------
Sniff sniff. Smeeeeeeeeeeell the retaliation. Is hims mad that we -2'ed his wittle postie?
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-03-14 16:27:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I calmly got up, patted my pants against my butt to see if any poo had snuck its way out..."
------
Glad I'm not the only one.
Submitted by nochitlins (user info) at 2007-03-14 16:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shit makes funny subjectmatter. You, however, manage to make it lame. I feel better knowing the caliber of poster critiquing my own stupidity.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2007-03-14 16:20:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-03-14 16:16:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.poopreport.com called; they're worried about you and want you to just call to let them know you're safe.
-----
haha, thanks skrap. I'll give them a call on the Scatphone.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-03-14 16:16:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.poopreport.com called; they're worried about you and want you to just call to let them know you're safe.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-14 15:22:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-03-14 15:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
does that mean King Kong-Ding Dong has found a resting place in your orifices?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2007-03-14 15:08:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-03-14 14:59:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What is 'underware'?
------------
Proof that you mistakenly thought that I, the master of all things feces-related, would make a typo in a post about shit.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-03-14 14:59:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What is 'underware'?
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-03-14 14:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I felt hollow, violated. As if I'd been reverse-raped by my own stomach and large and small intestines."
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-03-14 14:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-14 14:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CURRY POWER
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-14 14:07:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Which long time Uber-fag(s) was crying about Uber no longer being a "serious writer's forum"?
Was it Razor? Snark? JackMcDillhole? Method? Stok? Kristy Swan? Jgreening? WTH?
Show 'em this little gem. Better yet, email it to their work email addresses.
Poop!
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-14 14:07:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-14 14:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-03-14 14:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ultra, whateva!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:53:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THIS is what Uber is supposed to be about.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:53:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did it smell like you microwaved a Hindu?
-----
It smelled like I microwaved a Hindu's shit.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did it smell like you microwaved a Hindu?
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit.
Submitted by ChalupaTres (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:36:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So much made me larf.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:35:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It was like shitting an inverted, 80-grit fantasy monster."
Thats pure fucking gold.
Submitted by Grownasskid (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:33:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
heh, poop
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THIS is what Uber is supposed to be about.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:26:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THIS is what Uber is supposed to be about.
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:23:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
post more often, please
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:22:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:21:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
and why do I need to know?
-----
Awww, someone's mad.
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:21:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
and why do I need to know?
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:20:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I must be bored cuz I read the whole thing
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:19:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's weird. It's like something out of that twilighty show about
that zone.
-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror VI
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-14 13:14:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Truly an epic soon to be ode.