Pep Rally Bloodbath At Cannibal Camp! (755 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.87 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Barny (Because I can) Meinhoff (View user info) at 2007-01-23 02:37:49 EST
Pep Rally Bloodbath at Cannibal Camp!
A Sho Nuff Sequel - Sho Nuff Pt 1 = http://www.ubersite.com/m/74342
Chapter one - The world according to Rosie O'Donnell
Madonna smirked as she leaned in toward the long bathroom mirror and applied a thick stroke of eyeliner to an already heavily made up face. There was a banging in the background that died to a quiet sobbing as Rosie O'Donnell pleaded with her tormentors to let her out of the toilet cubical where she had been imprisoned.
Madonna turned to Tiffany and Shakira and the three of them laughed as they strolled out of the bathroom and back towards the camps main hall making sure that all intervening doors were closed.
"With any luck no one will find that fat bitch until after the party." Gushed Tiffany,
As usual seeking Madonna's approval.
Madonna ignored her, she had seen the camps hottest mail councillor Robert Plant across the hall setting up the bunting and with a quickening heartbeat she fixed him with her best "fuck me" eyes.
Rosie sat back on the can and sobbed.
She had pleaded with her mother not to send her to camp, it was bad enough that she had to put up with the constant bullying at school but at least there she could go home every night and hide amongst her beloved collection of bears.
Here at Camp Lazarus deep in the pine barons there was no where to hide and Madonna and her cronies had singled her out from the moment she had stepped onto the camp bus.
"This seat's taken lard ass."
The same old story. The words hit home like cancer bullets, the world turns into a pinprick of blurred light as she fights back hot tears.
Long journeys always played merry hell with her irritable bowl and she had made a bee line for the john as soon as the dilapidated yellow bus had pulled into the camp drive.
Distracted by the commotion in her scats she hadn't noticed the chart topping trio peel away from the induction talk and follow her into the washroom.
She had lowered herself onto the cool plastic of the toilet seat and was past the point of no return when she heard a giggle directly on the other side of the door. As her weighty shit hit the surface of the water with a muted plop the giggles turned to howls of delight as persistent jackal fists beat on the door.
She jumped up without wiping herself and scrabbled at the door lock, she had been in this position before, and she knew what was coming next but they were too quick for her.
Madge leant with all her weight against the door as Shakira and Tiffany manhandled the bin across the tiled floor and wedged it between the external latch and the wall.
Rosie pushed at the door in vane banging and pleading with her captors who in turn drowned her out with joyless laughter and obscene threats.
"Like a pig in a poke." Shakira snarled.
"No one would poke that pig."Tiffany giggled as Madonna snorted back a mouth full of snot and to the delight of her audience spat it in a faultless arc over the top of the door it fell, hot and wet on Rosie's arm.
Rosie beat feebly on the door, the drying shit on her anus started to itch.
Reaching into her Berkin for a cigarette Madonna sauntered over to the mirror where Shakira was already applying foundation to Tiffany's alarmingly orange face.
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Chapter two - Bill takes a spill.
Bill Cosby stood upright and wiped the sweat from his eyes with the back of his garden gloved hand. Grunting he swung the axe over his head and cleanly split what he had decided was to be the last log of the day.
his physician Dr Phil would have berated him for over exerting himself in the heat of what was turning into the longest summer of his seventy one years but Dr Phil didn't live in the woods, Dr Phil didn't have to get the winter wood in before winter brought his arthritis on and As an after thought Bill Muttered Dr Phil could "go fuck himself."
It felt good to cuss Bill decided, All his life he had played up to a family orientated image that had always felt to him like he was wearing someone else's shoes, Even when that cunt Malcolm-Jamal Warner had fucked up his lines during the live studio recordings of Bills show (which was pretty much every week) Bill had just smiled encouragingly and waited for the laughter to die down.
Well, Bill thought to himself as he lined up another log, He wouldn't be laughing if he was here now. As he swung the axe he felt an agonizing jolt run down his arm at the same time as something in his head made a wet popping sound, a log too far he thought as he fell to his knees.
He knew what was happening; this was the heart attack that quack Phil had been promising him for all these years. Bill decided if for no other reason than to stop that pious bald cunt from being right he would live.
He staggered towards the edge of the lake, If he could get to his boat then maybe he could make it to the camp on the other side, there was a phone there and at the very least a first aider, It was his only hope.
Staggering down the rickety jetty Bill managed to untie his mooring line, as he stepped down into the boat another searing jolt of pain spat through his chest, knocking him forward, the boat slipped out from underneath him and he pitched head first into the lake.
The boat floated free slowly detaching itself from the shadow of the jetty, a birdsong cut through the humid lakeside afternoon as the last of the ripples caused by Bill Cosby's fall lapped against the mud bank.
A neat pile of kindling stacked up by the side of a shack and a back catalogue of pedestrian comedy was the only indication that Bill had ever lived at all.
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Chapter three - Bono you selfish cunt! What in gods name were you thinking?
Bono dragged his booted feet across the dry dusty ground of the forecourt towards the white sided truck he had been elected to drive.
He shouldn't even be there, it was the Edge's turn to work the Black run but the Edge had called in sick that morning and it was Bono who had got the call.
He had a hangover that you could have painted a fence with and in all honesty he figured that he wouldn't pass a breath test if he was stopped, but then where he was going there were no cops and even if there was they wouldn't dare pull one of Jaggers waist management vans over.
Mayor Jagger was quite the big cheese in the Barons, a made guy who if rumors were to be believed he had the local law in his pocket. Either way Bono didn't give a blue assed fuck, He felt like shit and was far from impressed to have to be pulling a shift for the Edge again.
He sought solace in the memory that he had pushed a grubby finger into the vagina of The Edges girlfriend Belinda Carlisle at a drinks party the other week whilst The Edge had been passed out on the couch next to them.
Spurred on by this sordid thought Bono slipped his "ridiculous even on young people" wrap around sun glasses on and climbed into the cab of the van.
It was a five hour drive to the chemical waste handling facility and five hours back.
Bono however had different ideas.
Twenty minutes later the van pulled up with a crunch in front of a dilapidated chain link security fence, barely held closed by a rusting padlock.
Bono had first found the old mine whilst out hunting with David Grey, that was before Grey got married and tuned all pussy.
It was whilst watching old man Sinatra at the waste facility greedily handling the bundle of notes that Jagger had given him just to bury the waste in concrete that Bono had come up with his master plan.
He would take the money himself, dump the waste in the old mine and spend the next nine hours at home watching TV, jacking off and getting paid for a full day's work.
He couldn't help smiling to himself as his bolt cutters made short work of the padlock.
He was he reasoned one smart motherfucker.
He pulled the truck up next to the entrance of the mine, got out and pulled the tarp off the flat back.
There were seven barrels in total, each one bearing the legend Toxic Waste.
He lugged the first one off the back and heaved it down into the dark void below jumping at the noise it made as it bounced off the walls of the shaft. He finished dumping the rest before rolling up a single skinner and getting back into the van,
A job well done.
Down in the dark the barrels bobbed about in the black.
The fall had been sufficient that the walls of the shaft had torn through their metal skin like paper and now they slowly seeped their filthy contents into the dark floodwater at the bottom of the pit,
The flood water in turn seeped into the water table.
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Chapter four - We Interrupt this broadcast.
Oprah Winfrey sniffed the cooling air of afternoon and caught the unmistakable scent of young girls, Young girls trying to be old girls, Young girls smoking.
"Stupid cunts." She muttered as she stepped round the back of the kitchen block in time to see two thirds of a burning cigarette flip out of Tiffany's hand and into the undergrowth.
Tiffany turned white, Shakira appeared to turn green and Madonna simply stared at her with the self important smirk of the badly brought up.
"And just what do you ladies think you are doing!" Oprah exclaimed as she stooped down towards a bush and retrieved the cigarette.
Madonna just shrugged as the other two made wild claims as to their innocence, and even wilder accusations as to the guilt of the each other.
Oprah just ignored them; she blew the loose ash off the end of the cigarette before taking a noisy draw on it and exhaling.
"Ladies, I cannot be fucked with any of your wild assed bullshit this week."
"I have spent the last seven days tirelessly promoting books on my TV show and bringing down the beef industry, the last thing I need is to play inspector Cluso to three has been screachers who only have jobs because they let bald muso's ejaculate inside them in exchange for a record deal."
"Now, I am going in to start the pep rally and you three are going to go and clean out the boathouse. And if your shit aint straight by the time the rally's done Ima gonna fuck all three of you with a broken bottle, we clear?"
The three girls nodded silently all of them now visibly shaken as they traipsed across the lawn towards the boathouse.
Oprah grinned, spat against the wall and extinguished her tab in the goo with a satisfying hiss.
End Of Pt 1.
User Reviews
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:58:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by swimmingbirdblue (user info) at 2007-01-23 18:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Better than the last.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-23 18:16:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
stupidly halarious
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:42:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-01-23 08:59:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-01-23 08:04:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Today , i'm in a sheepish mood ...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/15252
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-01-23 07:51:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-23 07:48:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is just too fucking awesome... I'm gonna go add this to my favorites.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-23 07:46:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How the fucking hell can a post with such a title go unreviewed for so long? It's just not fair, dammit!