Trailer park lesbians, a midget, and a stolen car (3956 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.4 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by hidden101 <hidden101.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-01-17 05:21:34 EST
Danny....
christmas, 2002. it was a cold night in Chicago. Danny was home from his duty station to visit his family for the holidays. Danny didn't have any old friends left behind at home since he'd left for the military, so he decided to go out by himself and try to find a good time. he was supposed to go to the family christmas party the next day at 4, but until then he had nothing to do.
"this bar is as good as any, i guess..." as he looked up at the crooked Pabst Blue Ribbon sign hanging over the door of the bar.
when he walked in, he noticed there was a warm, inviting feel to the place as he looked around the room. "this should do", he said to himself.
"i'll have a PBR", he said to the bartender.
"sure, coming right up, buddy. that'll be two dollars."
Danny sat there on the bar stool and drank and drank and drank. Danny loved to drink. Danny loved to drink a little too much.
as the night went on, a girl from his high school walked in with an older woman. he immediately recognized her. it was the girl who used to have a big crush on him and would try to kiss him behind the bleacher during track practice. he approached her to say hello and ask her how she'd been. she was a bit overweight; much heavier than in her high school days, he noticed.
by this point, Danny was drunk enough to do anything. i've seen Danny get this drunk many times and you never know what's going to happen. you just sit back and enjoy the fireworks.
after a few minutes of polite conversation, Danny couldn't hold it in anymore. "do you want to make out?"
"actually... i'm a lesbian now. this is my girlfriend's mom. my girlfriend is in jail."
"oh... well, that's great that you found someone! i'm so happy for you!", Danny said as he turned his head and rolled his eyes. she must have sensed the sarcasm.
"yeah... sure. thanks. listen, i'm gonna get going."
"fine, if you don't want to make out, i'll just make out with someone else!" Danny said loudly in his drunken stupor.
"did i just hear you say you're looking for someone to make out with?", a female voice said.
Danny looked in the direction of the voice.
nothing.
"down here, big boy." said the voice.
Danny looked down. there, standing as tall as the bar stool he was sitting on was a midget, smiling up at him, holding a cigarette in one hand and a cocktail in the other. Danny couldn't believe his eyes. was he really getting hit on by a midget? he pondered the idea of making out with a midget for a minute. "well, i've never made out with a midget before and i'm pretty drunk..." he said to himself in his head. " fuck it.
he hoisted her onto the bar stool next to him and leaned in. she immediately shoved her tongue in his mouth, making him feel disgusted and slighty aroused at the same time. the made out for several minutes until the little person finally told him she had to leave. "thank you, baby", she said as smiled at him and hopped off the stool. "it's been fun!" she said, and walked out of the bar.
Danny sat there for a couple minutes until he realized that what he had just done was the most embarrassing things he had ever done while drunk and vowed to himself that he would never tell a soul about this. he would eventually get drunk and tell me the story.
feeling strange after making out with a midget and finding out the girl that was obsessed with him throughout high school had turned into a trailer park lesbian due to his rejection, he decided the time was as good as any to get drunk enough to forget about this night. so Danny kept drinking. it was starting to get late.
a man about the same age as Danny and his girlfriend approached him at the bar and put his hand in the air to give Danny a high five. "yo, that shit was AWESOME. i can't believe you made out with that midget. that's some fucked up shit, but that's funny as hell, man!"
"thanks", Danny slurred as he tried to hold his head up. Danny was in no shape to drive home. as the night went on, Danny continued to talk to the man and his girlfriend, sharing stories and laughs until he could barely sit on the barstool.
"do you need a ride home, man? you can't be driving like that, bro." the man said.
"yeah, sure. that would be cool...."
*RING RING*
*RING RING*
"god, it's cold. god, my head hurts...." Danny thought to himself as he woke to the sound of his cell phone ringing.
"hello?"
"Danny, where the hell are you? you didn't come home last night. the family party is in an hour!" said the voice of his father.
"i don't know where i am, dad... wait... uh, i'm in a parking lot. it's some laundromat."
"what the hell are you doing there?? get your ass home so you can get ready for the party!"
Danny hung up and put the phone in his jacket pocket. the car stunk of cigarettes and the keys were in the ignition.
"who the fuck was smoking in my car?!?!" he thought angrily. Danny never smoked in his car or his apartment. he hated the smell of cigarettes but liked to smoke anyway. he started the car and drove off towards his father's house, still angry about the smoke scent. halfway home, Danny started to wonder if he had ran over a curb because the car felt different. he looked around the interior. trash everywhere. empty McDonald's cups and bags, empty cigarette packs, empty bottles of Moutain Dew. then it hit him, like a kick to the stomach. this wasn't his car. where in the fuck was his car and how in the fuck did he get in this car?
then he remembered. he left his car at the bar. that's all he remembered. the rest was a blur. he drove back to the bar and found his car waiting for him in the parking lot. he still had his keys in his jacket pocket. there was a cell phone sitting on the passenger seat of the car he was in. he decided to pick a random number in it and use his own cell phone to call it in an attempt to reach the owner of the car he had pretty much just stolen. a gruff voice answered the phone and Danny explained what happened. the man that had answered was confused, but so was Danny. he told him how he had woken up in the car and didn't realize it was someone else's car until he was half way home.
Danny left the car in the parking lot of the bar with the keys in the ignition and got in his own car. as he drove down the road, his cell phone rang. the caller ID displayed an unknown number. Danny answered only to be confronted by a very angry voice. "where's my fuckin' car, man?!?!"
"whoa, man, i am really sorry... i didn't mean to take your car. i don't even know how i got it--"
"WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CAR? IF I DON'T GET IT BACK IN 15 MINUTES, I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU! AND THERE HAD BETTER NOT BE A SINGLE SCRATCH ON IT, YOU HEAR ME?!?!"
"dude, it's in the parking lot at Tilly's. i just left it there... i swear, i didn't mean to steal your car--"
"i swear to god, man, you better be right or i am going to find you and fucking kill you!"
"whatever...". Danny was in no mood to deal with this. his head was pounding. he hung up the phone and drove home to get ready for the family party.
"maybe i better have a couple beers to get rid of this hangover..."
TRUE STORY FROM THE SAME GUY THAT WROTE ME THIS EMAIL- http://www.ubersite.com/m/54052
Danny is passed out on my couch right now after we shared a 30 pack ("well, there's 30 beers here so that means you have to drink 15 and i have to drink 15"). he told this story again tonight and i just had to share it with you because it's my favorite story out of all the fucked up shit Danny has done while drunk off his ass.
User Reviews
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-03-12 20:04:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm stealing your persona http://www.ubersite.com/m/99618
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-03-09 01:13:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, I wasn't there.
haha i am a fucking comedian.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2007-01-19 00:28:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was talking to Andrew. As in: "It was YOU who made out with a midget and stole a stranger's car, wasn't it, Andy?" Forget it.
Submitted by chicagogirl (user info) at 2007-01-18 23:18:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no sorry, i meant "danny" as in "danny". ok, that is really code. i actually meant danny as in danny.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2007-01-18 23:12:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
By "Danny" you mean "Andy," don't you?
Submitted by chicagogirl (user info) at 2007-01-18 22:31:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
danny told me this story also. its all true pals! or him and andy are in cahoots to perpetuate this story. i love the word cahoots. or is it kahoots? hmmm....
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-01-18 16:59:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
theuniter is a dick.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-01-18 00:26:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2007-01-17 21:27:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice reading. it reminds me of the good 'ole times of uber...
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-01-17 20:25:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yes. i wasn't just drunk. i was hammered drunk. i know, i'm surprised too. there was a fuckload of typos when i reread it, though.
Submitted by swimmingbirdblue (user info) at 2007-01-17 19:32:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds disturbingly familiar, like browned-out memories from Keesler.
Very well done.
=======================================================
stationed at Keesler too, huh? ah, fond memories of that base. i stayed in a coed dorm in the triangle and we were the only squadron that didn't wear our uniforms for GI parties.
i used to love hanging out with the strippers from the Lady Horseshoe. good place. good times.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-01-17 19:59:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-01-17 05:37:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
forgive the typos. i'm drunk off my ass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow, you wrote this drunk? Good job, considering.
Submitted by swimmingbirdblue (user info) at 2007-01-17 19:32:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds disturbingly familiar, like browned-out memories from Keesler.
Very well done.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-17 18:24:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think i did, I also think I stole one of thier dining chairs as well, or at least someones chair is sitting in my driveway,
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-01-17 18:04:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
it sounds like someone had a good time last night.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-17 17:40:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got drunk at my neighbours house last night and woke up on thier front lawn
Submitted by Doogsterville (user info) at 2007-01-17 17:11:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for camwhore with Bridget Powers
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-01-17 16:45:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, i just need to camwhore again.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-17 16:01:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post reminded me of this
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82652
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-17 15:30:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good shit
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-17 15:25:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-01-17 14:18:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
how come when i actually put some effort into a post, no one gives a crap?
i'm going back to pointless camwhores.
------
Welcome to Uber.
(but hey, I really did like this story)
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-01-17 14:18:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
how come when i actually put some effort into a post, no one gives a crap?
i'm going back to pointless camwhores.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-01-17 12:28:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to pretend this is made up because it's too disturbing otherwise.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-17 11:06:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-01-17 10:58:33 (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't even notice the typos. Kudos for typing that much while drunk- I'd get discouraged after a few lines.
--------
n00b. and three posts per day.
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-01-17 10:58:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't even notice the typos. Kudos for typing that much while drunk- I'd get discouraged after a few lines.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-01-17 10:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-01-17 05:37:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
forgive the typos. i'm drunk off my ass.
-----------------
probably explains a lot.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-01-17 09:42:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2007-01-17 09:40:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
that's nothing. i have a friend who spent a whole night making out with a half-tard chick in a wheelchair.
===
LOL
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2007-01-17 09:40:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that's nothing. i have a friend who spent a whole night making out with a half-tard chick in a wheelchair.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-01-17 07:55:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A good ol' drunken adventure.
The girl that used to stalk me in high school became a stripper and did some really low budget sleazy porn. No bullshit.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-17 07:39:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Even if this story was decent - and I wouldn't know - I'm sick to fucking death of reading "I'M DRUNK! ROFLCOPTER$#&^#&^*%$*)_*^%^&%$!@!!@"
So you're fucking drunk.
Congratulations?
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-17 05:58:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'bleacher' is racist. now read my amazing 'How Diana's' series beady eyes, you're in it, and it's awesome. natch.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-01-17 05:51:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice......
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-01-17 05:45:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
it's 100% true.
i'm the best speller i know, so if i misspelled anything it's just because i'm fucking hammered drunk.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-17 05:44:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 www.xnxx.com midget porn... HAHAHAAHAAHAHA
I'm sorry I don't believe in midgets :(
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-01-17 05:39:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dude
+4 for rocking so hard
-2 for spelling
seriously, man. if this is true, then i love you and will haveyour babies even though im a man.
seriously.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-01-17 05:37:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
forgive the typos. i'm drunk off my ass.