~~ Vote Third Party in 2008! (658 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 1.41 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (View user info) at 2006-11-17 14:00:57 EST
I don't mean, vote for _a_ third party candidate. I mean, vote _the_ Third Party candidate.
As the Chairman of the Third National Committee, I can tell you, we are not Democrats or Republicans. Neither will we work _for_ the Democratic or Republican Party. We won't even work for the Third Party. We will work for you.
We are not lifetime politicians, so we don't have a history of "party loyalty" or "kissing the asses of the powerful so they'll give us their nudge of approval". Our fathers aren't ex-Senators or ex-Presidents; our last name is not "Kennedy". We are the children of actual veterans, and our children don't go to private schools. We are actually in the middle class.
For too long we have silently accepted the mediocrity of the two-party system. We seem much to willing to accept half a loaf of bread when what we really want is a whole loaf. They call it "compromise", and they celebrate it. And even worse, they turn around and give their special interest groups ten loaves when they only need one.
Here at the Third Party, we have no Big Oil, Big Tobacco, Big Union or Big Hollywood. All we're big on is neutrality.
At this point you might be thinking, "Great, but what do you believe? If I knew your platform I just might vote for you instead."
I have two responses to this inquiry:
1.
We do not have a platform. Our candidates are individuals. We do not pretend as though we are a homogenous group, like the Republicrats, in thought or action. The main reason is that we are not going to LIE to you. You think that the Republican you voted for is pro-life? Not necessarily. You think that the Democrat you voted for is pro-choice? Tricked again! A political platform is a cover story. It's an illusion that divides you from your neighbor on the basis of an either-or. Red or blue? Bullshit, we are all mixtures of both. We would rather that people came together in a discussion of issues, instead of staying away from each other based upon an assumption of beliefs.
Likewise, we encourage our candidates not to reveal what they really believe. We don't want them to define themselves in that way, because it will only allow the other two parties and the media to redefine them, to pigeon-hole them. This is why recent third party efforts have failed. The Independent Green Party? Redefined as "more left than Democrats". The Constitution Party? Redefined as "more right than Republicans". The Libertarians? Redefined as "more odd than both parties". Hey, at least we're not lying to you.
All that you need to know about us, again, is that we are NOT Democrats or Republicans.
2.
If you normally go and vote, then we most likely don't want your vote. You are part of the minority. In fact, just this past mid-term election, you are one of only 40% who voted. We want votes from that 60% who didn't vote. Only they can really shake up the system. Now, don't get us wrong, we respect the fact that you vote. But if you think that you are making a difference by sending someone who is beholden to a private organization for money and resources, someone who will campaign as an individual in their local election and then enact policy as a party operative once they get to Washington, and someone who has a history of making unrealistic promises, then you are part of the problem. And we don't want your vote.
You think that since the Democrats recently won back Congress, that major changes are coming? Hardly. After the initial promise to make a difference and thwart corruption, you will only get MORE OF THE SAME, and possibly an increase in the minimum wage.
So that's what Thirds are all about: taking power away from the two conglomerate parties and putting it into the hands of individuals. We have had enough with the current plutocracy.
If you'd like to become a Third Party candidate, we have a few conditions that you must meet:
1. You must not be a Democrat or Republican. It cannot be repeated enough.
2. If you have ever run for office as a Democrat or Republican, then don't bother. We call this the "Lieberman clause". We know that you'll just caucus with your old pals.
3. You and your staff must be willing to donate at least 40% of your salaries to charities in your constituency. Basically, elected officials in the highest forms of government get paid too damn much. Exceptions apply to city and some state offices. (Inquire for details.)
4. Billionaires need not apply. If you are wealthy, and especially if you have inherited wealth, you cannot be a candidate. We are very sorry if your heart is in the right place, but we cannot be associated with you. (Inquire for details.)
5. You must be able to exhibit intelligent, independent thought. It would not be enough for us to require a bachelor's degree, or a certain level of proof in grade-point average or some other standardized test score. Everyone is different. Intelligence can be measured in a variety of ways, but we all know it when it _isn't_ there. In general, you cannot be a raging dumbass. (Determined upon interview.)
6. You must not be a disingenuous, pretentious prick. Douchebags, tools, and corrupt jackasses need not apply. (Determined upon phone interview.)
VOTE THIRD PARTY in 2008!
Coleslaw Murphy, Third National Commissioner & 2008 Presidential Candidate
P.S. For those clever ones among you who would like to start your own Fourth, Fifth, and Sixth Parties, please be patient. Partner with us for the time being and let us build a little momentum. Then, the more the merrier. I personally would love to endorse a Tenth Party candidate in forty years.
User Reviews
Submitted by thesushiking (user info) at 2006-11-17 19:01:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
really important to stress how much the two party system is balls.
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2006-11-17 17:52:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a vote for kracka is a vote for kracka. i would be an awesome vp
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-11-17 17:44:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-11-17 17:19:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
A vote for Coleslaw Murphy is a vote for Bush.
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I heart W
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-11-17 17:35:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Razor, I don't follow your comment. You think I'm a Republican?
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-11-17 17:25:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-17 17:22:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd love it if Bill Clinton became the nation's first First Man.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-11-17 17:19:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A vote for Coleslaw Murphy is a vote for Bush.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-11-17 15:56:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YES!
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-11-17 15:54:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Late +2
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-11-17 15:52:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
JonnyX,
It'd be interesting.
You can't underestimate the zealous love some people have for Bill Clinton (if they get packaged together).
I also think McCain and Guiliani are kinda squirrelly.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-17 15:44:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
y'know the Democrats might be stupid enough to run Clinton/Obama in 08...
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-17 15:03:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just Vote.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-11-17 14:51:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2006-11-17 14:44:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-11-17 14:23:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Check out my previous presidential campaign platform. http://www.ubersite.com/m/48269
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-11-17 14:22:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
got ya.
i just want marijuana legalized and welfare programs reduced (unless they lower the threshold to include me). everything else is just a bonus.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-11-17 14:16:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
beaux, I don't think that Libertarians are particularly odd. They're hard to define though, so I copped out a little. I just think some of their candidates have been.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-17 14:15:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WINNAR
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-17 14:12:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-11-17 14:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
back to reality for a moment, i have a hard time believing that anyone, once elected, would enact law as the people vote it and not as his own persuasion and beliefs would lead him to. unfortunately that is the problem with you humans: you're too damned loyal to yourselves
whats so odd about lib(ertarians)s anyway?
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-11-17 14:06:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clinton would be slaughtered if that ballot is in any way prophetic.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-11-17 14:01:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd vote for Kracka.