Apparently, I Hassle the Hoff (3037 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.87 on 60 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JMG114 (View user info) at 2006-11-14 11:39:33 EST
When my cousin bought me a "Don't Hassle the Hoff" shirt some weeks back, I ejaculated with glee (in private. I don't do such things in front of my cousin anymore). I haven't worn t-shirts with graphics on them since early college, but something about this piece of apparel sang to me. It sang the Knight Rider theme. It sang Baywatch. It sang, "I'm wearing a shirt of a guy who has nude pics up on the Internet, but I don't care."
With its trademark phrase written in white letters, there was an accompanying graphic of none other than the Hoff, standing next to the text as if a God himself.
Plainly, the shirt rocks.
Since I've started wearing it, I've seen people point, mouths agape, as I stride down the street.
"Wow! Don't Hassle the Hoff!" some say.
"What an amazing shirt!" say others.
"I was going to hassle you but now I won't. Mmm, drugs," said some junkie.
I was in Boston a few weeks back for a Massive Attack concert when the first incident happened. There was a Dunkin' Donuts right by the Orpheum, and I ordered me up some coffee. I thought about trying one of those new French Toast whirls but they were sold out. No matter. As the clerk handed me my coffee, she pointed to the graphic on the shirt.
"Is that you?" she asked.
Now friends, I've been greeted, lauded, and seduced while wearing this shirt. Never, NEVER had I been asked if the gentleman in the graphic on my shirt was me. I? I, the Hoff?
So I said what anyone else in my position would have said.
"Yes. It's a picture of me. On my shirt. I am the Hoff."
"Whoa," she replied, then said, "Your coffee's on the house."
"It—what?"
"No charge for your coffee, Hoff. Have a nice one."
This shirt of shirts has granted me super powers, my friends . . .however, the magic does not end there. Lord in Heaven, no.
I was driving through Connecticut a week or so later when I stopped for gas. When I went inside to pay, the gentleman behind the Sunoco desk pointed and asked, "Hey, is that you?"
I looked down to find that I was wearing the one and only Hoff shirt. Don't Hassle the Hoff.
"Yes. That's me."
He waved away my cash. "Don't worry about the gas," he said, "Damned if I'm gonna hassle the Hoff."
So I walked out of there with a full tank and a full wallet. WTF?
The thing is, I don't look a thing like the Hoff, nor do I claim to. I think that when people see the graphic and then see my HAIR, their brains do some sort of electrical thing that equates the guy on the shirt with myself.
Is the story over? Oh, far from it.
I found myself in New Hampshire some days later, yet again at a Dunkin' Donuts. I ordered coffee and found, again, that they were out of those French Toast burritos that I really wanted to try. No matter. Then . . .
"Is that you?"
"Yes. Don't hassle the Hoff."
They handed me my coffee and a free box of munchkins. "Here you go, sir. Have a nice day. Don't worry about it."
I'm not making this up. Is it a Dunkin' Donuts corporate policy to give celebrities free stuff? I'm beginning to realize the awesome power of the Hoff, and, as Spider-man taught me, with great power comes with great responsibility.
However, as I taught myself, with great power comes great abuse.
I strode into my local Dunkin' Donuts the next day, looking again for one of those tasty-looking French Toast sticks. They were sold out. Fuck!
"Can I help you, sir?"
"Hi. I'd like a coffee," I pointed to the shirt, "And don't hassle the Hoff."
The clerk's eyes lit up. "Just a coffee, sir? Can I get you anything else?"
"I don't know. What else can you give me? Do you have any of those French Toast bars in a back room or something?"
"Sir, we bake our goods fresh each day. I'd be happy to make you as many French Toast logs as you'd like."
Score.
When she handed me my order, she asked, "Oh, can I have an autograph?"
"Of course!"
She handed me a Dunkin' Donuts napkin and a pen. I signed my own name (which is not David Hasselhoff, by the way) and left with half a dozen French Toast buns and a coffee, all free.
There's a Be Your Own Pet show up in Boston later this month. I went up to the ticket window, pointed to the shirt, and said, "Four tickets to Be Your Own Pet. Don't hassle the Hoff."
The girl at the ticket window said, "Could you hold on for just a minute, sir?" and disappeared into a back room.
She returned with her manager. The manager said, "I'll put in my override code to give you a discount. Thanks for stopping by!"
Free coffee. Free French Toast doodles. Free gas. Discounted tickets. All because I apparently have Hoff hair.
But is the story over?
Hell no.
Part II: Challenges Ahead!
Part III: The Real Hoff Finds Out and Resolution
User Reviews
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a similar shirt. Only The Hoff's face sits big across my tummy with his hands resting on my breasts. The text reads: "Shake the hand of the man." I, too, get free crap when I wear it!
The Hoff has mighty powers.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:06:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When do you plan on finishing this? I really enjoyed it.
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2007-01-09 14:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So this is what it means to be in the presence of greatness. I will never be as good as you. I understand this now.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2007-01-05 22:03:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
/hassle
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-03 17:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by _God (user info) at 2006-12-03 16:51:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 on the house. No, really sir, you earned it!
Can't wait for the sequals.
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2006-11-18 04:56:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved this on more than one level.
Submitted by beauxjizzle (user info) at 2006-11-17 14:28:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
is this shirt gonna bring about a return to J-date?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-11-16 01:54:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow,
I love you more.
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-11-15 16:51:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow thats an awesome super power. getting things for free is like being a millionaire.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-11-15 15:36:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2006-11-15 13:28:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
woo for Hoff
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-11-15 13:17:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good, but you've set a pretty high standard for yourself.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-11-15 12:19:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-11-15 09:39:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never known "some weeks back" to mean 3-4 months ago, but hey--I'm not about to hassle the J-Hoff.
(P.S. Housewarming party at my new place 2nd Saturday in December)
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-11-15 00:36:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You gonna wash that thing soon?
It must be rank by now.
Anybody know where I can get a Jesse Ventura shirt?
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-11-15 00:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't care if it's real. It makes me laugh on the inside and the out!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-11-14 22:31:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your Jewfro IS a reasonable facsimile of the Hoff's, but you have no pics of you fucking a scrunchy dog...
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2006-11-14 22:30:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need you, buddy!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-14 22:10:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-11-14 21:10:59 (#)
Ranking: 1
nice. im having a tshirt made that will have a pitcure of a local muslim cleric that outraged the nation with his comments about female blame in regards to being raped. he's smiling like an angel in it.
basically, ive given up on being able to become a millionaire, so im looking to get punched enough so i can litigate my way to being comfortably well off.
-----------
ahahahaha
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-11-14 21:10:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
nice. im having a tshirt made that will have a pitcure of a local muslim cleric that outraged the nation with his comments about female blame in regards to being raped. he's smiling like an angel in it.
basically, ive given up on being able to become a millionaire, so im looking to get punched enough so i can litigate my way to being comfortably well off.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-11-14 16:55:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-11-14 16:48:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-11-14 15:35:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed myself, bút....
SHEEEEEEEEEEE NANIGANEEOOH!
which is Japaese schoolgirl for shenanigans.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-11-14 15:23:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This has a strange ring of awesomeness to it, but it's an awesomeess I can't explain. The post itself was a solid +1, but dammit, There's just something about it.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-14 15:19:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would SO DO KITT!!
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Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-11-14 13:27:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
So where's KITT parked?
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2006-11-14 15:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Massive Attack = +2.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2006-11-14 15:05:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-14 15:05:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've said it before - I'll say it again
I have sat in KITT - and the Hoff's buttock crevice is huge.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:59:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh but you must hassle the Hoff, you MUST!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:55:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Once here in SF Sean Penn came up and asked me if I could break a buck so he could throw some change in the parking meter.
I said, "Sorry man, I can't."
He said, "But I'm Sean Penn."
I said, "Oh sorry man, I didn't recognize you. GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU TREASONOUS PINKO SHITBAG!"
He was kind of pissed after that.
Submitted by canarydozen (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:46:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yay for the free shiz, booooooo for the hoff.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-11-14 13:46:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
forgot to rate
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-11-14 13:46:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i collected $20 once because a guy thought i was a guy he was gonna pay back...
it wasnt as cool as the free t-shirt score....
but yeah, the dunkin donuts up here in nh are full of people that either dont care or dont have the brains to distinguish hoff from anyone...
we had a friend of mine to set us up there tons of times with free breakfast andwiches and coolatas... i guess the $6 and change an hour doesnt buy enough care
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-11-14 13:27:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So where's KITT parked?
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2006-11-14 13:25:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't believe this for one minute, then... I'm not sure I'm supposed to.
You are the man that dragged me kicking and screaming into this place we call Ubersite all those years ago with your anecdotal humourings. It's been emotional. Just so you know.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-11-14 13:17:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-11-14 13:13:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This just goes to proves the old adage...
Germans (and Uberfags apparently) love David Hasselhoff.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-14 13:06:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh i am so all into this
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-11-14 12:52:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-14 12:46:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
You like men
------------------------------
Only when you're concerned.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-14 12:46:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You like men
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-11-14 12:43:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
i did not really read many of your posts until you did 'Moose Change'
i need to go back and read some of your archives
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-11-14 12:34:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that is amazing
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-11-14 12:30:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got my brother an "I dry hump" t-shirt.
And I'll be damned, the fuckin' psycho wore it to school the next day.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-11-14 12:22:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It takes something to wear that shirt in public, what I don't know but something.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-11-14 12:02:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damnit, I was hoping for the whole story...
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:57:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOFF
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:55:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Come to think, the Hoff DOES kind of have a jewfro.
JUMP IN MY CAR
I WANNA TAKE YOU HOME
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:52:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Don't Hassle the Hoff" T-shirt?! Gotta get me one of those!
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:51:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:44:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
lame, larry david is a much funnier jew than you, in fact you are the least funny jew I've ever come across
-----------
I try not to come across jews, it's a waste of perfectly good semen.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:49:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:44:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
lame, larry david is a much funnier jew than you, in fact you are the least funny jew I've ever come across ""
i came across a jew last night.
NO JOKE.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:48:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I looked like Jesus. Then any of my many religious joke t-shirts would have the same effect maybe.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:45:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:44:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jagshemesh. I don't know what I REALLY think of this so take this handout +2.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:44:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
lame, larry david is a much funnier jew than you, in fact you are the least funny jew I've ever come across
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:43:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:43:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I signed my own name (which is not David Hasselhoff, by the way"""
liar
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:43:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh lord.....
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:43:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Hoff reigns supreme!
And yeah, mousetrap was all kinds of awesome....
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:42:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment