Gheylord of the Rank - Very Old Friends (798 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.82 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Berty (View user info) at 2006-11-07 12:21:45 EST
[Outside Bell End, Shandy stops his cart.]
Shandy: "Whoa, whoa."
[He gets down and goes through the gate which bears a sign saying: 'Armed response beyond this point']
[Shandy knocks on the door with his staff.]
Dervel: "No thank you! We don't want any more visitors, well-wishers or distant relations!"
Shandy: "And what about very old friends?"
[Dervel opens the door.]
Dervel (amazed): "Shandy?"
Shandy: "Derka Dervel!!"
Dervel: "My dear Shandy!" [gives Shandy a hug]
Shandy: "Good to see you! 33 years old — who would believe it? You haven't aged a day."
[Dervel and Shandy laugh a (rather forcedly) as Dervel bids Shandy inside.]
Dervel: "Pack it up, pack it in! Why don't you come in!? You want me get you a tin? Battle me, that's a sin!" [throws complicated hand gesture]
Dervel: "I won't tear the bag up, punk you'd better back up." [Dervel pulls up a chair for Shandy and takes his hat to a hat stand, rapping all the way]
Shandy: "Tea will be fine, thank you."
[Shandy, bent double, backs into the chandelier. He steadies it, but then bumps his head onto the beam and utters an "Ooooff". Nursing the pain he enters Bilbo's study and sees the map of the Lonely Mountain mounted on a frame. He picks it up to examine it.]
[Meanwhile, Dervel is pottering around in the kitchen.]
Dervel: "I was expecting you sometime last week! Not that it matters, you come and go as you please. Always have done and always will. You caught me a bit unprepared, I'm afraid. One could almost say you've caught me with my trousers down... Of course the Seppo's say pants — oh no, that would mean I'd be naked from the waist down! Err, which I'm not of course... Still wearing trousers of course. Oh, no — we're all right! I've found some sponge-cake! I could make you some bacon if you like — oh. Shandy?"
Shandy: "Just tea, thank you."
Dervel: "Oh, right!" [with mouthful of sponge-cake] "You don't mind if I eat, do you?"
Shandy: "Oh no, not at all."
[Shandy sits down on a chair just inside the kitchen entrance. There is a knocking on the door and a woman shouting: "Derka! Derka Dervel!"]
Dervel: [whispers] "I'm not at home!"
[He tiptoes up to the front window and peers out to identify the unwanted visitor.]
Dervel: "It's the Sacrilicious-Bagginess!"
Sacrilicious-Bagginess (outside): "I know you're in there!"
Dervel: "They're after the house. They've never forgiven me for living this long!"
[Still with his sponge-cake, Dervel disappears into the kitchen.]
Dervel: "I've got to get away from these confounded relatives hanging on the bell all day, never giving me a moment's peace!"
[Dervel puts down his cake and stares out his window while Shandy tries to make himself comfortable at Dervel's pitifully small table.]
Dervel: "I want to see mountains again, mountains Shandy! And then find somewhere quiet where I can finish my book. Oh, tea!" (He hurries to prepare the tea.)
Shandy: "So, you mean to go through with your plan, then."
Dervel: "Yes, yes. It's all in hand. All the arrangements are made."
[Shandy lifts up the lid of a tea pot, Dervel starts to pour water into it.]
Dervel: "Oh, thank you."
Shandy: "Nath suspects something."
Dervel: "'Course he does. He's a Derka Derka! Not some block-headed minority from Wogland."
Shandy: "You will tell him, won't you?"
Dervel: "Yes, yes."
Shandy: "He's very fond of you."
Dervel: "I know. He'd probably come with me if I asked him." (chuckles) "I think, in his heart, Nath's still in love with Hertfordshire: Watford, the M1... Watford."
Dervel: "I'm old, Shandy. I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart."
[Shandy's gaze is drawn downwards to Bilbo's trouser pocket as the scabby man's fingers begin to fidget with something inside it. Shandy frowns.]
Dervel: "I feel thin — sort of stretched, like plastic scraped over too much Michael Jackson."
[Dervel sits down wearily at the table.]
Dervel: "I need a holiday — a very long holiday — and I don't expect I shall return. In fact, I mean not to!"
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-08-01 09:09:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Get a move on.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-11-08 19:40:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-11-08 07:58:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job, Bertrude.
Can I regurgitate De La Soul lyics next?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-08 00:10:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I shall be the token semi-expat Manc who delights in talking about 1999 and grumbles if you point out that it's 2006.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-11-07 23:54:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What'd you edit this with, a rake? I'm the swarthy ranger woodsman type - don't you forget it. And I'm not a homo.
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-11-07 23:27:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I call dibs on Boromir. I have experience dying on stage. I was in drama club back in high school.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-11-07 17:53:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-11-07 17:50:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed. And I would make a good hobbit - I'm short and round, after all.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-07 17:01:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice - love the plastic jackson line
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-07 16:50:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes! exactly! anansie is already a spider.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-11-07 16:31:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I volunteer to be Shelob, if she doesn't want it.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-07 16:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I DON'T WANNA BE A MONSTER!!!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-07 15:52:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MAKE NOONIE SHELOB
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-11-07 15:51:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-11-07 15:44:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-07 14:29:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so what do i get to be? please don't say hobbit wench.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-11-07 14:24:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-11-07 13:56:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
You didn't mind the rapping?
I may do more of that then, as Mr Jackson got rid of much of Mr Tolkiens songs, psalms and poems as they were bollocks. Thus I will manage to capture some of the original spirit of the books.
---
Awesome. He also got rid of Tom Bombadil. Are you going to include him (Or an uber version)?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-11-07 13:56:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You didn't mind the rapping?
I may do more of that then, as Mr Jackson got rid of much of Mr Tolkiens songs, psalms and poems as they were bollocks. Thus I will manage to capture some of the original spirit of the books.
I like to think that this, in many ways, will make my version superior to Peter "Put all the bits of brain in a bag, Barry" Jackson's.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-07 13:48:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i like the rapping.
although Dervel is a bit too retarded to remember that many words in Real Life.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-11-07 13:47:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just know coley is going to be an orc. She is, isn't she?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-07 13:26:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:39:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:31:16 (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll be awaiting my cameo.
------------
I think I have just the role for you. You'll like it.
=-=-=-=
Something tells me that you said this with a Cameron Diaz size grin.
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:57:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to be an elf, make me an elf wonderful berty, pretty please, with sugar on top?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:45:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another for good measure.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:39:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
even though i'm not in it.
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You will be.
I should really draw up a character list rather than just assigning characters on a whim.
Anyway, this is the worst bit in all three films. It all gets better from here in terms of action, dialouge and my perverting of the story.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:39:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:31:16 (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll be awaiting my cameo.
------------
I think I have just the role for you. You'll like it.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:39:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
even though i'm not in it.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:36:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty knows I'm too curiously hairless to be a hobbit-type person.
But I'm still happy to be knocked up. Er..knockimg up.
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Sacrilicious-Bagginess will be different to your orcish (or possibly Uruk-Hai) character.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:37:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
FUCK YOU SPAM! I BEGGED YOU FOR INFORMATION ABOUT FUCKING HERTFORDSHIRE BUT YOU KEPT YOUR LIPS TIGHTER THAN A SCOTTISH ARSEHOLE!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty knows I'm too curiously hairless to be a hobbit-type person.
But I'm still happy to be knocked up. Er..knockimg up.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:31:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Watford, the M1, Watford.
What about the fucking Watermill??
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll be awaiting my cameo.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:29:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bizarre
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok - for the MJ line
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:26:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Make the pie higher.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:26:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Worst scene in teh film.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:23:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So, I didn't really read all of this but I'm assuming you all lathered up and licked each other's anuses at the end.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:22:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I would like to apologise for how tedious and horrible this part of the story is. Hopefully the next installments will have more passion in them and allow me to do more with the characters.