The Rising (159 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (View user info) at 2006-09-25 04:21:19 EDT
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Ross: "Hello everyone, I'm Craig Ross and welcome to Hero Talk. My guests today are the founding members of The Rising. Directly to my right is Helminth, the team's leader, next to him is the very lovely Nexus, and on the far end we have Quaff. Let's not waste any time, tell me how you all met."
Helminth: "Well, I've known Nexus since high school, and we met Quaff in college. Nexus and I have known about each other's powers since the beginning, but it wasn't until I saw Quaff fighting with some drunken frat guys that I realized he was also a super."
Quaff: "I made a bet that I could out-drink them all. After losing, they refused to pay me."
Ross: "What exactly is your power, Quaff?"
Quaff: "I can drink large amounts, and I mean very large amounts, and then use that as fuel for my adrenal system."
Ross: "So wouldn't a name like "The Drunken Avenger" better suit you?"
Quaff: "I considered it, but Helminth didn't think it sent a good message to kids."
Ross: "I see. And what are the rest of your powers?"
Helminth: "I have super strength and heightened reflexes."
Ross: "And you Nexus?"
Nexus: "I can control the hardness of my body and my legs get sticky when I'm excited."
Ross: "For the sake of my censors I hope you mean you can stick to walls. So what can you tell me about the group itself?"
Helminth: "We're good. It's just that most people haven't heard of us. I'm not trying to say we've got The Fantastic Four or The X-Men beat, but those guys have been around for years. We only got started in March."
Quaff: "Plus, they're both stationed out of New York. Do you have any idea how much shit goes down in that state? Meanwhile, we're stuck in bumblefuck Ohio. My dead grandmother can beat the kinds of things we've gone up against."
Helminth: "Quaff, could you please watch your mouth?"
Quaff: "What?"
Helminth: "This is a family show; you can't say things like that."
Quaff: "...Ohio?"
Ross: "Helminth is right Quaff; I need you to tone down your language."
Nexus: "We apologize for Quaff. He can be irrational at times."
Quaff: "I what?"
Helminth: "Please continue Mr. Ross."
Ross: "Umm... let's see, where was I? Oh, here we go. What's the reasoning behind naming the group The Rising? Is it a metaphor for something?"
Helminth: "Well actually, we--"
Quaff: "It started out as a penis joke but we liked it too much."
Ross: "Helminth, would you like to tell us the real story?"
Helminth: "Actually he's telling the truth about that one."
Ross: "Oh. Well I guess all stories can't be winners. What was your initial reason for starting this group?"
Quaff: "Well we--"
Helminth: "To be honest, it was that day we saw Quaff fighting the frat guys. Like he said before, his power is a result of drinking. So after he won the fight, he got in a car and tried to drive away. He was on the verge of crashing into a couple of freshmen before I stopped the car."
Quaff: "It's not entirely my fault, the kids jumped right out--"
Helminth: "As you may have guessed, when Quaff uses his powers, his reflexes and judgment get fairly skewed. I'm not even sure if he can handle fighting crime two days in a row."
Ross: (laughing) "I was wondering that very thing."
Quaff: "Actually, the alcohol is worked out of my system faster than--"
Helminth: "Carry on Mr. Ross."
Ross: "What do your families think of your crime fighting?"
Quaff: "Well, my father has told me that--"
Helminth: "Quaff, why don't you let me field the rest of these questions. You know, so you don't get embarrassed."
Quaff: "What is that supposed to mea--"
Nexus: "Please Quaff; don't interrupt Helminth."
Quaff: "That's it. You little shits have done it now, someone get me a drink so I can kick their asses!"
Helminth: "Quaff, your drinking is the most inappropriate thing about this team. You need to--"
Quaff: "No, you know what Helminth? You need to shut the fuck up! You want to talk about inappropriate? What about you sleeping with Nexus? Sure, we all want to hit that, but I can hear you guys from two doors down! And you both make the exact same noises, what's up with that?"
Helminth: "I..uh..I don't..."
Quaff: "And you want to talk about sending a good message to kids? I know what a Helminth really is. It's an intestinal worm! Look it up Ross, it's in the fucking dictionary! Why the hell would you name yourself after an intestinal worm? I know that just about anything is better than your real name, Meredith, but just shut the fuck-- Oh come on, you're crying again? I've walked in on you crying almost every-fucking-day. Are you sure that isn't your superpower? Being the world's strongest and most emotionally sensitive prick? Nexus, how can you sleep with this pussy?"
Ross: "Well I think that's just about all the time we have for today. I'd like to thank my guests for--"
Quaff: "Aw Ross, just shut the fuck up. Somebody get me a beer so I can kick this guy's ass."
Ross: "Goodnight everyone."
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Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-06-04 23:25:55 EDT (#)
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