A Trial for the Spider (1815 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.78 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Thomas R. Sorrell - sorrelltr.at.hotmail.com (View user info) at 2006-09-22 15:43:56 EDT
I am a man with routines. To me, I feel more in control of my life if I do things the same way every day. I wake up, walk into the kitchen, and make a pot of coffee. While the coffee is brewing I take a quick shower. By the time I am finished, the coffee is ready to drink. It's my routine, damn it, and it makes me happy. This morning, my routine was shattered.
When I got up this morning, there was an intruder in my kitchen.
A spider about the size of nickel was creeping across my kitchen counter. While the intruder was not a human and was basically harmless, I still did not appreciate the uninvited guest. I decided to hold court right then and there.
Now my kitchen is right next to the front door, it would have been very easy for me to have put the spider on a piece of paper and let him go, but then I ran the risk of him telling his little spider friends that I was a softy. If that happened my apartment would be spider central, we can't have that...the wife is scared of spiders. This is America and we're all entitled to a trial by jury...even arachnids.
With this in mind, I decided to put the spider on trial. "Home Invasion," "Breaking and Entering," and "General Mischief" were the charges. The options? Well, there were only two really:
1. banishment
2. death
Now maybe I was being a bit too harsh with possibility of the death sentence but I can't very well go building a little spider-jail. I have better things to do with my time (like write articles on Ubersite). So really, death is the only possible option.
On to the trial:
I let the spider plead his case. He told me he didn't need an attorney. "That's good," I said. "The less vermin in my apartment the better." One point for the spider (simply for being considerate).
"I can't have you crawling around my kitchen," I told it. "If my wife sees you, I have to come kill you. There is no other option. That's just more work I have to do around the house you see? Your presence alone makes my life more difficult." One point for me.
"But I'm just a little spider," he countered."I don't hurt anyone. In fact, I kill and eat other insects that violate the sanctity of your apartment. I can stay out of site and help you." Another point for the spider.
"I don't want you in my apartment," I said. "If I let you go, you'll tell other spiders. Then all the spiders in the surrounding area will know that I was nice to you. I'll be known as 'Tom Sorrell: Friend to spiders everywhere.' We can't have that so the only option available here is death." Another point for me.
At this point the spider sensed that he was fighting a losing battle. He resorted to a desperation.
"Sir," he said. "I am but a small spider. If you prick me, do I not bleed? If you tickle me, do I not laugh? If you poison me do I not die?"
BAM!! I squished him right then and there.
If there's one thing I will not tolerate it's spiders quoting "The Merchant of Venice" in my kitchen.
User Reviews
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-14 00:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-10-13 16:13:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
Posted by Method:
The reason that game doesn't have an asterick is because your coach screwed you guys over. It wasn't a game you should've won, it was a game that you already WON, but your coach played it out like a dork at the end and you LOST. Your coach decided not to have your team play, and you guys ended up losing, unsurprisingly.
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What the fuckle? Is that actually you commenting on my RealFootball column is response to the Chargers lunatics or just some joker claiming to be you?
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Not me, Tom ol' boy, I know fuck all about sports
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-09-23 11:06:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-09-22 18:00:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Your wife is afraid of spiders? Sure dude, whatever you say. You're the one making a big deal about a little spider ruining your routine. Your wife probably had to come kill it for you while you stood on a chair and screamed like a girl.
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Yea, that sounds about right. ha ha
Submitted by CaptainObvious (user info) at 2006-09-22 23:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
When I was stationed at RAF Mildenhall, there were these Giant House Spiders always getting into my little English house, before I moved into base housing. The first time we saw one, my wife and I were sitting on our couch watching t.v., having just put our infant son to bed in his room. This brown thing ran out from behind our couch, across a magazine on the floor, and then behind our rntertainment center. It's legs MADE NOISE as it ran acrss the magazine. he only light in the room was from the t.v., so that + noise of feet on magazine + 1-2" brown critter = mouse, in my mind. Well, didn't I get a shock when I turned on the light and looked behind the entertainmnet center!
I agree on the 3rd option, Chroniclysm- My wife and I used to catch them in tupperware containers and put them in the freezer. It was like Demolition Spider. Occasionally, on banner days in the Spider House, we'd get more than one at once, and put them in the same tupperware, then shake them up a bit and watch them fight to the death. The winner would get put in the freezer overnight, and dumped in the flowerbeds the next afternoon. That's the secret to great flowerbeds- Giant House Spider fertilizer. You heard it here first.
Yeah the plagiarism was funny too.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-22 23:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a kinder person than I.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-22 23:00:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
rubbish
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-09-22 18:00:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your wife is afraid of spiders? Sure dude, whatever you say. You're the one making a big deal about a little spider ruining your routine. Your wife probably had to come kill it for you while you stood on a chair and screamed like a girl.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-09-22 17:17:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good except you used site instead of sight and my right eyeball almost fell out.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-22 17:15:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha!
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-09-22 17:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2, I guess.
I feel like there should've been a third option, like imprisonment in a tupperware container for the rest of the day.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-09-22 16:27:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahha
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2006-09-22 16:20:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-22 16:16:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks like Oliver Platt and Dave Navarro had a manchild.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-09-22 16:03:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Although the tool box on the left thinks we rock....
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-09-22 16:03:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.justinhampton.com/Lemmy%20and%20me.jpg
Lemmy is not amused.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-22 16:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lemmy's real name is Chad Chamley.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-09-22 16:00:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WE'RE SORRY LEMMY!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-22 15:58:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG WE BOTH STOLE SHIT FROM MOTORHEAD
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-09-22 15:57:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know what they say, Orgaz.
"It's all about the game...and how you play it."
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-22 15:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're one to talk, Mr. I Heart Paul Michael Levesque.
Jesus and I love you, Tom.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-22 15:54:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-09-22 15:52:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And don't forget, I added an applicable picture.
In lighter news, KNIBB HIGH FOOTBALL RULES!!
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-09-22 15:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OH WHATEVER, ORGAZMO! YOU STOLE YOUR NAME FROM A TREY PARKER/MATT STONE MOVIE AND THE TRANSFORMERS, YOU WHORE!
ha ha ha ha ha
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-09-22 15:51:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha i hate spiders. you die!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-22 15:50:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH FIE! FIE! FIE!
YOU THOUGHT THAT CHANGING LITTLE DETAILS, LIKE 'HAMLET' TO 'THE MERCHANT OF VENICE' WOULD MAKE PEOPLE THINK THIS IS YOURS HUH? DIDN'T YOU?
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-09-22 15:50:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Axol, I just...wow.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-22 15:49:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THANKS FOR THE SPIDER STORY TOM THAT MAKES ME FEEL A LOT BETTER
YOU KNOW NOTHING OF WHAT I'VE GONE THROUGH WITH SPIDERS: http://www.ubersite.com/m/93224
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-22 15:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice going Chad Chamley.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/20537
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-09-22 15:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OMG, I PLAGIARIZED MYSELF!!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-22 15:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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